The Gift of Being Wrong

I just got back from seeing my doctor, who is one of my favorite people in the world. I feel fortunate to have such a wonderful realtionship with my naturpathic physicican. Today, as we met for the first time in over a month to discuss the results of a test I took in Novemeber. I was shocked by the results....
For those of you, who may not already know, I was diagnoesed with a syndorme called PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) eight years ago. There is no actual test for this syndrome, which is why it can go undetected for years. A physician basically looks at all of the symtoms, and various seperate test results to determine if that information lines up with the PCOS checklist. I had every symtom on that check list, eight years ago. Today I, was informed and saw for myself, that I no longer have any of the major symtoms that would indicate I have PCOS.

My doctor is waiting for one more test, which I may have to take over again to be sure this is the case. However, it's looking like I may have actually never had PCOS, but instead was misdiagnoesd. This is a shock to my system because for years, I identified with PCOS. This syndrome was the cause of so many malfunctions in my body. I had been told over and over that the reason my body was so prone to being over weight, was because my metabolism was greatly affected by the hormone imbalance. Now, having seen for the first time ever in my life that some of my hormones, and more specifically, my adrenals are " normal".

I wanted to cry when I saw that. I have spent countless seconds, minutes, hours of my life putting myself down, shaming, blaming, and accepting the hopelessnes that comes with having a body that works against you. I had been told for so long, that my body was making me crave the very things that were making me sicker. Every minute of my adult life, has felt like a neverending uphill battle, with the certain outcome that I can only lose.

I had to work so much harder at being mindful of what I was putting into my body. Excersing not because I found joy in it, but because that was one of my weapons against my body. I was using myself to battle against myself.

The media certainly fuled this internal war, as did the constant comparison against others, that happnes so often it doesn'[t even register.

Until now.

Be True To Myself. In the days that have followed since I launched this project of vulnerability, I have been contemplating this dare every day. The ways in which the questionand answer show up on a daily basis is surprising, difficult, rewarding, and full of insight.

What are the ways I keep myself from being my truest self? My body image is a big one. Its hard for me to talk about, most of the time, because I feel like no one really gets it. But I know they do. Because, in comparison, I am not that different from you. Or that guy sitting across from me right now, at the librabry (where I have to use the computer because my Beloved Mac finally bit the dust...). He like me, mosre than likely shares the same beleifs I have about myself. Whcih are:


I am not enough.
I don't measure up.
I am too plump.
Too outspoken.
Not clever enough.
I am ireesponsible with my money.
I am too messy and unorganized.
I curse too much.
I am not flirty enough.
I am too serious.
I tell good jokes, poorly.
The list goes on, and I am really keeping it surface level today because I am afraid to go deeper right now.

So... now that I have digressed (what else is new?)
I no longer see myself as the plump and pretty girl who has PCOS. I no longer see myself as the woman who has to work harder than my peers to accomplish the loss of the extra 50Lbs I carry.

Now, I see for the first time ever, that I am "normal". I am plump because I have been so afraid of being me- the real me- for fear I still wouldn't be enough. Shaming ourselves has become a natural part of life, and that makes my sad. I have been observing my own feelings around shame and how I do it. Just the other morning, I observed that before I even got out of bed to start my day upon waking, I had 10plus negative thoughts. Before my feet even hit the floor!!!!

My body is the number one thing my Inner Critic uses to hurt me. It is my weak point, one of my truest vulnerabilities. The Critic's negative internal chatter has been a constant. It began when I was 9 years old, I was aperfectly healthy ahppy little girl who was on the verge of adolescenes. One afternoon, I was in my paternal granmother's kitchen, waiting for her to fixz me lunch as she often did when I would visit. I sat in my favorite chair and waited patiently for the meal I knew was made with all the love in my grandmother's heart.
On this day though, she stopped what she was doing and looked at me, and poked me in the tummy and said " You're fat."
I had never, up to that point expereinced low-self esteem. I liked who I was. I enjoyed being me and the body that allowed me to run, ride bikes, and play on the playground. Until that moment, I had not once thought of myself as not being good enough.

Suddenly, with one comment, the Inner Critic set up residence in my head and has enjoyed her stay.

Thats a tough load to carry. My Inner Critic is cruel and spares no means of malice to cut me down. If my grandmother, who surely loved me the best she knew how, could hurt me, why not myself?

"I'm doing you a favor, trust me! I am taking you down so low and far, that no one else could ever come close to hurting you so proficiently. Isn't that nice and considerate of me? I am doing all of this for your own good- to PROTECT you."

Whoa.

Do you hear that crap? That is a mindfuck if I ever heard one. I am a smart cookie, and I would not tolerate that treatment from anyone else- so why have I allowed it to go on for so long?

Because the bottomline is I don't beleive I am worthy- of love, success,or abundance.

Thank God what I know and what I beleive differ.
I know that I absolutely deserve I am worthy of all of those things and more.

Having a new look at my health and my body, feels like the most amazing, precious gift anyone could have given me. Because I see now that I am just plump because I literally choose to put myself up on an island with thick walls. My body isn't working against me, and in fact is totally on my team. Its that damn Critic who has been ruling the roost for too long that has helped with the wall building.

I am over that bullshit. Being true to myself means recognizing that I can do the things I want to do. All things are possible and it is no longer necessary to continue to wage an imaginary war inside me.