The Rule of Quest Physics

"...in the end I have come to believe in something I call The Physics of The Quest. A force in Nature, governed by laws as real as the laws of gravity. The rule of Quest Physics goes something like this:

If, ... you are brave enough to leave behind everything that is familiar and comforting, which can be anything from your house to bitter, old, resentments, and set out on a truth seeking journey, either externally or internally, and if you are truly willing to regard everything on that journey as a clue, and if you accept everyone you meet along the way as a teacher, and if you are prepared, most of all, to face and forgive some very difficult realities about yourself, then the truth will not be withheld from you.

I can't help but believe it, given my experience."

~Liz Gilbert, "Eat, Love, Pray"

One week from  today, is my 34th birthday. And my, oh my.. what  a year it has been. I thought I would take some time to reflect on that now- nip in the bud any Birthday Depression that might try to sneak in, and put forth my intentions for my Personal New Year.

November 30, 2011, I wrote a letter to myself here, and declared that 33 would be the Year of Magical Thinking.

I had no idea what I was setting into motion at the time- except that it would have a huge effect on me.

Over the course of the last twelve months, I have indeed embarked on an internal truth-seeking journey. My intention was to get to down to the nitty-gritty of all that was holding me back from living the life I had envisioned. Staring down hard, the "difficult realities about myself", to forgive and let go of. I have done just that.  I have called in some significant "teachers" as well. Most of them have little knowledge about just how much their interactions, be it brief or consistant, have had on my thought reform.

The first thing I had to face, was the ownership of allowing the Fear inside me, to  drive me. Where did it come from? How does it affect my steering? What am I running from?

A lot it turns out.

Fear is a funny thing. It is never rational, as I have stated many times before, and yet we give it such power. I have worked diligently at facing and making peace with the fear inside me. Especially here in the last couple of months. My Past Trauma had been holding me down for so long and so hard, I wasn't even aware of how heavy and in the dark I was.

Now, having reframed a lot of my thought patterns, and recognizing more quickly when I revert- I feel a lightness and sense of free-being that didn't previously exist.

I feel grounded, present, and more confident. I am not as easily swayed into buying into the anxiety. There is a calm in my heart and a peace in my soul.

My intuitive abilities have taken off, and continue to amaze even me, every single day.

I am open.

I pay attention.

I breathe more.

I am trusting myself- my intuition, my feelings, and my instincts to guide more often than not. Whether  situations pan out according to my expectations, is mattering less and less. Because its about the feeling of trusting in my own sense of self. I do know how to do this. I can make this leap. I can jump of the precipice and fucking let go. I will land on my feet, with abundant possibilities surrounding me. Its all about the eyes and what we choose to focus on. Everything I have been seeking on my quest, has been inside me all along. Cliche' and true, I realize. Depending on the outside world to help me determine my worth, desirability and/ authenticity no longer feels like an appealing route. It is in me. No one else has the ability to tell me what is true for me.  I decide what lines up. I look into my eyes now, and see more of my whole self. I see past the ever-present fear. I see into the sureness and sweetness of being right here right now.

Did I fall?

Or am I flying?

Does one lead to another?

Or is it all the same.

Hmmm......

Novemeber 30, 2012 will start The Year of Magical Doing. Having taken the time to sort out and redirect my thoughts from fear and more into love, means that I am ready to take action. I have goals and intentions...

To soar and to land.

To have my feet on the ground and my head in the stars.

The work has been hard and emotional. And rewarding as fuck.

Daddy's Girl

My father has been dead for 8 years, 9 months, and 22 days.
Not that I am keeping track.
I lost and grieved my father twice in my life- the first time when I was 14. There was a six year period where he cut off all contact with me and my brother. He and I came close to discussing that hurtful hiatus shortly before he died, but never to the degree I wanted. Or that I needed.  I have theories and I speculate as to why he did that, but he took the truth to the grave. I lost him permantley when I was 25. He died suddenly, in the middle of the night. His heart exploded and he died on the hardwood floor of the living room, in the home he shared with his other family. It is a strange feeling  to mourn the loss of a father more than once in a lifetime. Another layer of numbness added to the the other.

To say my relationship with my father was complicated, is an understatement. The importance of that connection, has always been known as significant and far-reaching to me. My hard-wiring has been greatly compromised because of the lack of connection, affection, acceptance, support and solidarity from my dad. That translates into some fundamental aspects of my life, as an adult woman. This is not news to me- rather it is a new perspective that has been born, in the midst of my awakening. My brain knows the facts, and my heart feels the wounds inflicted from the man who gave me half of my DNA. Lately, it has led me to connect the dysfunctional relationship to a traumatic event, from over a decade ago. The resurfacing has led me to face and work through some extremely heavy issues. The two things- my relationship with my  dad and the past trauma,  are indirectly related. I wonder, if Dad had been more present, more whole, more emotionally present and authentic- would I have made different choices in my life? It is indubitable  that I would have. Traumatic events in my life could have been prevented if only my relationship with my father was more instead of less.

"When you are frozen relationally, it is difficult to know your place and how to develop a healthy relationship because you are working from a place of need instead of working out of a position of co-equal." ~Dr. Ken Canfield

The influence Dad had on me, was a direct result of his own parent's relationship with him. And that was seriously fucked up. That whole side of the family was pretty messed up. I am talking generations of dysfucntion, cycling through in secret. Thankfully, my brother Derrick and I did not experience much of what others in my family have. We were deeply affected, nonetheless. Paradigms are shifting, and patterns are being broken. Middle fingers are being extended to those who made victims of their kin.

image via listverse.com

Having long envied father/daughter relationships that were healthy, it makes me glad I haven't yet procreated.  As a walking wounded daughter, I only know how to choose the wounded. Out of fear of repeating history, subconsciously I have been smart enough not to have created any descendants of my own. There is the sense that my biology has been a helping hand in the prevention of the familial dysfunction.  The brain and the heart have been working together all this time, in an effort to not be fucked over by the generational paradigm that ruled my father's family. Yes, it is not a stretch to lay partial, if not all blame for my  relational issues and resulting singledom on Dad. Thanks for that, by the way.

"I could not have parted with you, my Lizzie, for anyone less worthy.” ~Mr. Bennet, Pride and Prejudice

All of this introspection, prompts me to consider parenting as a whole,  from an emotionally aware place. If I am meant to have kids,  I want my own future daughter to not only be the apple of her father's eye- but to know that as a fact she never has to question. All because  her mommy was determined to heal herself and create only from a place of wholeness in her heart.