And now, hereis a cat playing the piano....

I want a cat.
A kitten to be precise.
I may or may not wait until after the spring and my very possible international getaway.I would love a cat that enjoyed the piano as much as Miss Nora here.
You have to admit, it's pretty incredible.

Shout Out Loud

I have recently just discovered this musician. A fine, soul - folk singer if I ever did hear one. May I present, Mr. Amos Lee...

Random Castles

I have noticed a trend in my life lately, which speaks volumes to me. Castles have started showing up kind of randomly.
Some months back, I was given a bit of info about myself from one of my friends who shares some of the same intuitive gifts as I have. She told me she saw me living inside a fortress( figuratively speaking); the walls high and thick. Those whom were personally invited, would be the only ones allowed to come though the door. Mind you this was back in June or July - long before I dreamt the break up and betrayal, long before I found my present home and sanctuary.
On BOUNDARY Street.
A place that is somewhat hidden. One drives down a hill, through a busy/crazy intersection, past the "Psychic Reader", up a hill, over three large speed bumps, to a house with a long driveway. And supposing one makes it that far, one still has to knock and be granted permission to enter.
My home truly does feel like my fortress. I feel safe here. To cry. To dream. To heal. To plan. To make myself whole once again. And I choose who comes into my life. The world is scrutinized a bit more closely than before. I listen more to those little messages I receive; that I was so quick to dismiss before. I find myself peering out from behind the " thick, high walls" at those who may wish to enter into my life, and watch them, listening to see if they are worthy of entering my sacred space.
The castle theme started back a few entries with the Kelly Clarkson video. There's the castle with the lyrics to match. I know how she feels...
My pic on my phone is that shot of the castle at Disneyland in yesterday's entry - my constant reminder to stay inside and be strong. And to not to be afraid to dream.
Yesterday I received a post card from my friend Luke, who is currently living it up in Germany somewhere. The post card is of the Royal Castle Neuschwanstein (pictured up top there). I laughed to myself to see that castle post card with my Boundary St. address written in Luke's handwriting. I t suddenly all made sense to me yesterday, standing out at the mailbox. He has no idea even, how funny that is to me! It's completely random...
But it fits.
I feel kind of like Rapunzel. I feel myself almost waiting for some prince or un-prince, as well as friends old and new, and people who want something from me to ride up charging, asking me to let down my hair so that they may climb up and ask for my hand, time, love, or friendship. The difference is, I may not let it down, until I am very, very sure. Until then, I am quite content to sit up in my tower.

I'm Back Baby!!!

Miss me much?
Of course you did.
Cheeky Monkeys!
My laptop experienced some technical difficulties. I sent it out to be repaired. Lucky for me I wasn't charged, though my warrenty was expired. Merry Christmas a little early - to me! I am also a lucky girl to have such amazing friends and family who care about me. Thanks for all of the birthday wishes and for also just being there for me these last months.
Am I having any fun? Am I having any laughs?
Yes as a matter of fact. I returned home from LA on Sunday. The Spice Girls concert was SOOOOOOO MUCH FUN!!!!!! It was exactly what I wanted/needed.
9sorry about the crappy quality. This is from my phone. I really need to seriously think about buying a digital camera. Maybe I will buy myself a New Years present...)


Looking spicy


where the magic happened



It was such a party!



they are so hot they are glowing!




Disney all dolled up for Christmas. Is there a Prince that goes along with this castle? Still searching...HA HA

Disneyland was a half a day of rain with all the NON-OREGONIANS scurrying for cover as if they would all melt. PUH-LEESE! Athena and I were probably the only two people in the theme park wearing flip-flops. It was a warm 60 degrees. And it was fine, until the sun went down, Then my toes got a little chilly....and I almost fell on my ass walking on the very slick brick that makes up 99% of Disneyland. It made Athena laugh. Especially when she traded me flops and had to keep from falling herself. Did I mention I had some In-N-Out lovin? Oh yes. Athena and I shared a cheeseburger orgasm in West Hollywood....I can still smell the bun...
I forgot how much I love airports. Much like how one of my fav movies begins (http://www.loveactually.com/ ) I am constantly inspired by the idea of being able to just jump on a plane and land in a completely different world. The travel bug bit me and I longed to hop on a plane to a much farther destination than Portland, glad as I was to be home. This is the year, my friends - where I set the goal and make the plans to leave the country for at least a couple of weeks if not a month!
For now, I am content to stay in my cozy apartment on Boundary street. Healing. Planning. Creating. Re-inventing. Purging. Gotta lighten the load in my heart if I am going to pack my bags and see the world!
I'm Back Baby!

Lazy Tuesday

Thats the view from my bedroom window. It's misty and foggy and yummy fall out today. I always forget how much I love this time of year. I slept in this morning and it felt delicious!! Till 8:30! That doesn't seem nearly as indulgent as it sounds, but keep in mind I am still adjusting to the time change...
What's on the list of very interesting things to do today?
1.) Breakfast - scrambled eggs with green onion, spelt toast, and fried yams. Delish!
2.) Laundry - always a good time
3.) work out at Bally's
4.) Meeting up with Derrick today to help clean up the moving mess I left in his garage. And then hopefully just some good hang out time.
5.) Go to the chiropractor. It's a good thing I scheduled an appointment a couple of weeks ago, because yesterday at work I totally tweaked my neck.
6.) Stop at Goodwill to drop of the latest round of unwanted items.
7.) working on getting the last few boxes unpacked

Look at the progress I have made! You can actually see through the piles of stuff and carpet is actually visual!

obviously, he's not a blog reader

The asshole wrote me. Wants to know how I am.
I am great. I am still angry, and I am great.
But he doesn't get to know that. He doesn't get a response from me.
But you all do!



I will say I find it extremely satisfying to know that his last thoughts last night, were of me. And also that now, he is anticipating a response I won't be delivering.

It's over. He should take a cue from his own behavior and move on. Go ask his new girlfriend how she's doing.

I don't have room in my life for people who lie to me. It's a waste of my time.

Punkin' Delights & Autum Anger

I love pumpkin. I love the smell, the taste, the texture.Mmmmmm....I love Halloween too, though it's been years since I have had any fun with it. I fear this year will be no exception.
But the lovely fall day called for some pumpkin muffins. It's been awhile too, since I've baked. Those muffins are proof that indeed I am a bit rusty. I used spelt flour and cornbread mix..( I ran out of flour!) and stevia to sweeten. They're just ok. They smell good though.


Check out the little stress reduction device I found when I wandered into the dollar store today ( I was looking for a dish drying rack). I especially love the part where it says on the back of the package that reads " squeeze his chest - he's heartless so it won't hurt him but it will make you feel better." Oh how I laughed! I have to admit that I am now almost fully immersed in the bitter, angry phase of my break-up.
*sigh* Oh yes, my friends. There is a rage burning inside me over the happenings in my relationship. And it's focused on both "the asshole" and myself. I am angry at him for reasons to numerous to count right now. And he better hope to God he doesn't ever run into me in the near future. Especially if he's with HER. Asshole. I have the urge to just stand in a room and scream at him, reducing him to the puddle of weakness he is right now. A weak man who makes weak choices.
Ok so that's not ever really going to happen. Because I will take the high road. Because I will rise above the childishness and martyrdom I happen to feel currently. I will carry on! I will survive! "I will not be beat by a bad man and his stick insect girlfriend." I will go to the gym and run out the anger. And continue to squeeze his little chest - heartless bastard who is afraid to grow up and be a fucking man. Hope he's happy with his twig of a girl- friend. Pixie ho.
To the gym!!!!!

*insert long sigh here*

I am home.
Surrounded by piles of crap.
I have way too much shit.
I have been purging mass quantities of my stuff. I have only ONE closet. That translates to almost ZERO storage space.
It is however, a splendid opportunity to simplify my life.
I 'll be making another trip to the goodwill today.

Speaking of simplifying my life - I bet you are wondering how I am doing.
Well, pretty great actually. The break-up with the ex was really, really, really hard.
I know you all are wondering what happened and I don't really want to go into details other than to say this:
He met someone else who he fell in love with and cheated on me with.
He loved me, but wasn't in love with me.
We should not have ever gotten back together.

I am doing so well now, because I made a firm choice to LET GO AND RELEASE HIM.
It has been amazing how it has set me free. I have some last little bits of anger and resentment, and those are fading quickly, as is the hurt. I am so very aware of the fact that this experience does not mean the end of anything for me, but rather it is the start of something new and delicious. I am really enjoying just being me again. Making a home for myself and getting settled in my job too. Looking forward to getting into a routine- going to the gym , cooking again, seeing my friends, going out, relaxing...all of the stuff that I have been in too much turmoil to do. And it's mercury retrograde until Nov 1. Knowing that until that's over it isn't a good time to start anything new, has allowed me to really soak of this whole introspective time now.

Thats all I got today. I finally got my internet up and working at home. The only drawback is that I cannot get my wireless hub to work. I called Apple today, and it's going to cost me another $50.00 to get that issue straightened out.
Fuck.
Loving the mercury retrograde!!!

A song to myself

Moving the mountain

A mountain of freight is overwhelming me at work.
I have been by myself the last two days as the onslaught of holiday freight has begun to show up. Upon my arrival this morning, my receiver looked at me and said, " Hey you see these two PALLETS of boxes? Yeah - they are yours." I had been crying in the car on the way to work this morning after hearing a John Mayer song, ( see the clip below...so much for break-up moving on process...) and had to sit in the car a few extra minutes to collect myself before I went in to the store. After hearing Josh's freight news, I wanted to burst into tears again.
Because God dammit this is hard!!!! A hard week, a hard summer, a sad and lonely fall, without him.
I stood in my back stock aisle this afternoon, surrounded by all of these boxes of stuff that needed to be processed and put out. I felt I was in so deep that I might never get out. But then it occurred to me that the only way through it was to dig in and get to work. That each box I unpacked would put me that much closer to the other side of the mountain.
That truth correlates to my heartbreak.
That I just have to get inside my heart, do the work of letting it all go..letting it sail away to somewhere where heartaches and disappointments go...they don not have to live inside me for always, neatly packed up in boxes...
And though I cannot see it right now, there is another side to this mountain, and I will get there...
But it won't be today.
Probably not next week.
Hopefully by New Years.
But maybe not even until next fall...

Cause like my real boyfriend, John Mayer says...When you're dreaming with a broken heart, waking up is the hardest part...


When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The waking up is the hardest part

You roll out of bed and down on your knees
and for a moment you can hardly breathe
Wondering was she really here
Is she standing in my room?

No, she's not
cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone.

When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The giving up is the hardest part

She takes you in with her crying eyes
then all at once you have to say goodbye
wondering could you stay my love

will you wake up by my side?

No, she can't
cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone.

Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?
Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?
Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?
Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my, roses in my hands?
Would you get them if I did?

No, you won't
Cause you're gone, gone, gone, gone, gone.

When you're dreaming with a broken heart
the waking up is the hardest part.

" You Gotta Believe!"

I must be making progress in my break-up process.
I heard this song today on my way to work, I didn't shed one tear.

Instead all I could think about was how I hope that someday, I get to be with a man who feels that way about me.
I have yet to experience that fully.
Which led me to examine what I must be doing to not have attracted a man who wants to feel that way about being together.
What is it?
If we get what we put out into the world, why have not yet attracted a partner who is my equal, or mostly my equal?
Aaaahhh yes thats right.
Because I want to challenge myself and all that I am.
Too bad it has to hurt like a bitch.
And....
....I miss him.
But it went as far as it could go. I learned a lot about myself. And have started making a new "list". Ya'll know the list I am talking about.
It's the list you compile after you have made it through yet another failed and unfullfilling relationship (ok I guess that's a "glass half empty perception, and not totally in line with my natural disposition- but I am going through thte bitter and resentful phase...)
It's the list of all of the things you will not allow in your next relationship.
Whenever THAT might be.( Not that I am in any hurry...)
And that list starts to turn into the things you would really like to experience in a person and in a relationship.
What's on my list?
Not as many things as you might expect - I got pretty close this last time.

And like Derrick's Dyon Sanders do rag he wore on moving day, that read " You gotta believe!",
I recognize that I too have to foster a belief that whatever I need to experience will be brought to me.
Oh and Miss Kyra and Miss Malinda - thanks for your kind words and don'tcha know that you two will be at the top of my list for girly get-togethers at my new home! Love to you both :)

Living on Boundary Street

The search is over!!! I found an apartment! It's perfect for me right now!! It's a mother-in-law apartment in SW Portland, on Boundary Street.
What an appropriate address! A place that is my sanctuary where the boundaries for myself can be re-evaluated and redefined. And I can have a cat! I am thinking about getting two kittens - a boy and a girl. I can see it now - cozy, rainy afternoons knitting on the couch, with my aunt Kyra's lentil soup on the stove. Mugs of tea and Coldplay in the background. Candles lit, kittens scurrying and purring about. My art projects covering the table.
The first thiing I want to do, and I am hoping the very nice, sweet people who own it will let me, is paint! As it is now the walls throughout are all painted a soft, buttery yellow. I am so not feeling that yellow. This place needs to be my home where I put myself back together, and I cannot do it with yellow walls.

This is the main house, my apartment is not pictured, but it is to the left, at the end of the driveway. There are two women who rent the main house. Yeah - girl power!!

This is the tiny bathroom. There is a full tub, on the left of the toilet. Perfect for soaking in! Check out the countertop- yep that's red!

Here's a shot of the living room. The bedroom looks very simialar. Notice the yellow. I am thinking a soft blue in here - somewhere between a robin's egg blue and a sky blue. In the bedroom, a nice, soft green.

This is the "kitchenette". It's got full size appliances, but not a whole lot of counter space. And that wall paper? It looks better close up, but is still a bit of an eyesore for me. I think the apartment was done in the 70's or 80's. I wonder if they would let me take it off?.....
The apartment's additional perks: a free shared washer and dryer, a huge backyard ( that I only have to appreciate and enjoy as opposed to doing the gardening and upkeep), and free cable (uh-oh!). It's in a lovely neighborhood, hidden away.
My move in date is still tenetive - it could be as soon as tomorrow or Tuesday of next week.
The boys moved out yesterday, so it's just me here until I can get moved. That's good because it has allowed me to really cry like I have needed to, and just really think and process everything that has happened over the last week.
Once I leave the house on Illahe, it will be time for a fresh start for me! Living easy on Boundary Street.

I'll Tell You What I want - What I really, Really Want

December 7th 2007 will find me and Athena at the Spice Girls reunion concert in Los Angeles. Is there a better way to celebrate my singledom, girl power, great friendship, and cheezy pop singers.
I didn't think so either.
Am super excited!!!!

I'm Tired.

Inevitably if you ask how I am doing - those are the words that rush out of my mouth before you have a chance to finish asking.
Tired, tired, tired.
Fucking tired.
Tired of not being in one store. (Currently I am managing both the Raleigh Hills & Cedar Hills stores, until my position at Raleigh Hills is filled, I cannot settle into my job at Cedar Hills. It's been a month of teeter-tottering between both stores. I am almost fucking done.)
Tired of picking fucking emotionally unavailable boyfriends. Fuck. Why are these guys so numb in their hearts and why is it always seem to be my lot in life to nurure and not be nurtured back? Fuck.
Tired of feeling stuck in my moving process. I know where I am going to end up (Dave's apartment), not quite certainly or officially yet, and I don't want to hurry the process because it means saying good-bye to Dave. At the same time I am holding onto him, I am pushing harder for him to go. Go. Go. Go. ( I love him so much that more important than us staying together - is for him to figure himself out and fight the demons. I want that more than anything for him.) And then having a space of my own will be greatly beneficial to helping me find my center again. Until then, I am teeter-tottering between seperate and together. Go and stay. Joy and sorrow. Death and re-birth.
Tired of not having time to go back to the gym. Today as soon as I finish up with this entry - I am off to go work out the troubles of my head and heart on the treadmill and eliptical machine. I was going 3 or 4 times a week back in July and felt amazing - unstoppable actually. Endorphines are like crack. But then the new job opportunity came and threw me of course a bit. At least there have been walks with Nina at Gabriel Park once a week or so. I need to find a teeter totter there at the park...
Tired of not being able to sleep through the night right now.
My dreams are strange and fitful. I wake up at 2, 3, 4, and stay awake until 5 or six with all of the thoughts running around in my head. Not sleeping well makes my world feel surreal. Where is the line between asleep and awake? - it feels blurred. Teeter-tottering between night and day, light and dark, here there, yesterday, today, and tomorrow.
Teeter-totter.

Under construction

The next phase is just begining.
Almost ready.

The First

Today is the first of June.

This is my first blog entry here.

This morning is the first time I have awoken in my own bed, in three days. I love sitting here, pondering the world and my day. What am I going to wear?What needs to get done? And damn... I wish I had thought to grind my coffee...(no grinder here for my decaf)

These last three days were the first time that my mom came to visit me and my brothers. She drove up from southern oregon, to be with the children she had not seen or spoken to, in many years. We were celebrating the fabulousness of her 50th birthday. There was much healing and laughter.
It was the first time, I more clearly, and definately to my surprise and great reluctance, noticed how much I was like my mother. And yet not. I can see what a lovely heart she has, and thats what makes her beautiful. We are opposites, she and I . On the ends of the spectrum. And yet - there is something that connects us - a common bond. I can't quite name it today.

It is the first time today, in a very, very long time, that I am going to work and feeling rather nervous. My promotion to another store was announced in my absence yesterday. And today I will go in to hear the " I am going to miss yous " and the "congratulations". All which are welcome, and strangely surreal. Spending 5 1/2 years in one place and then leaving for something new feels...exciting and a little sad. Like I am graduating from high school all over again. Which Ironically, was ten years ago this very month. Wouldn't it be weird if my last day there was the same day as my graduation? Hmmmmmm......

I can feel that this week, I have started a new chapter. But it's one of those really short chapters in a good story, that precedes a very intense chapter. I felt the Blue Moon of last night intensely - woven in to the fabric of my dreams. Here we go! Deep breathe. Don't forget to breathe.....