I Am The Only One Who Can Do That

In the shower a bit ago, it dawned on me that I have been waiting for someone else to show up in my life and validate my worth, and allow me to discover how I would be happier.
Ouch. That is painful to admit because I know better than that.
I know the Universal Truth that happiness does not come from any external source. I just don't believe it to be true for me. That is one of the Dirty Little Secrets I have been living my life from.

This is a wake up call. Time to Wash Out those dirty old beliefs for good, because they are not bringing me anything but down.

The Real Truth is:
I am already worthy and validated just as I am. No person, job, thing, or situation has the power to determine otherwise. It is non-negotiable because it just is. Much the same way the sky is blue and water is wet, I am a valuable, outstanding, amazing human being as is.

I do not need to lose weight, dress in a certain fashion, listen to certain music, read specific books, obtain a collage degree, be in a relationship, or make buckets of money to be worthy.

I just am.

Secondly, I AM THE ONE I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR. The only difference is that by accepting this Universal Truth of myself, I will gravitate towards others who believe this about their selves too. My life will be affected by those interactions and connections- it will not be determined by them.

What a scary and liberating concept to wholeheartedly embrace.

Does this mean I remain single my whole life? Maybe. It means I wouldn't be settling for anything less than what I know I deserve, that is for certain.

Internal Affairs

Ugh.
There is a lot I haven't been saying lately, here. I have been internalizing most of it, because its quite jumbled up in my head. A fog of confusion seems to be permeating my brain cells, and I am awash with uncertainty.

I want to blame it on the moon.
My hormones.
Mercury retrograde.
Mars retrograde.
Lack of sleep.
Stagnation.
.....

And sure maybe all of that has a hand in it, or maybe I am just at a place that defies explanation. Its this strange place where I am navigating the terrain of my emotions. I am endeavoring to do so with more patience and objectivity than I ever thought possible for me. It feels like NOTHING is changing. I feel STUCK. " I worry too much over situations I know will be alright." Spring time happenings remind me other wise, and I vague notions of feeling similarly last year. Seeing the green shoots of the bluebells working their way out of the soil helps me to remember that growth happens in its own time, and even when you think it's not.

I am being stretched beyond my comfort zone- old issues are up and I am trying hard not to treat them the way I always have.
Money.
Relationships.
Work.
Future Projects.
Nourishing my body.

It all feels like a ball of wax in my head, and I worry I will never make sense of it all. I want to go into greater detail, but then I don't want to perpetuate the negatively of what I am feeling now. Plus, I don't know who actually reads this blog- so I don't want to get too personal. (I do post these on FB sometimes, and I imagine that people I know and work with read it, and then don't want to admit to reading it because they enjoy being a voyeur. Hell I do when I read other blogs, so I get it- totally. Not that anything I have to say is about any of those people- its just I don't know. .... I don't know... I just need to get it out of my head and for some clarity to announce itself.



*le sigh*

Dare to Bare- Wrap Up: Belly Dance

Q: What was the most difficult part of this month's dare, Take a Dance Class

A:
Quite a lot actually.
1.)staring at myself trying to move my body in foreign rhythms
2.)isolating muscle groups
3.)finding rhythm i.e. getting both sides of my brain to work simultaneously
4.)not beating myself up for catching on


Q: Were there any particular themes that came up, repeatedly for you?
A: Patience. I had to put it in to perspective- how could I expect myself to pick up Belly Dancing over the course of 4 introductory classes? My teacher is a natural dancer and has been doing so for most of her life( and she was awesome, BTW. If anyone is interested in taking Belly, I highly recommend Ziggy at Viscount. Her teaching style is relaxed and informative, and she is so very welcoming and engaging. Thanks Ziggy for helping to make my experience a good one!) I simply could not expect myself to master the dance in such a short time. Did I fall in love with it? No, not quite. That has more to do with the fact that I felt slightly discouraged by what I felt, was a lack of naturally inclined skill. Sure I can shake my ass and I can find the beat of a song- but choreography is a language I don't understand.


Q: When did you feel most vulnerable?
A: Staring back at myself in that giant mirror. It was hard not to compare myself to my teacher and other students. I had to remind myself to "Be Kind and have fun" each time my mind started to go to that place. It was not an easy task to do. Truthfully, my body image issues raged a war that I continue to wrestle with. I suppose it becomes less so, the more one is exposed to that environment. It was jarring for me.

Q:On a scale of 1- 5, rate the difficulty of this dare.
A: 6

Q: How were you inspired by what you learned?
A: Belly Dance began to reawaken the sensuality I had forgotten, lives inside me. I don't need to be in a relationship to experience that. Just my movements of walking down the street and being aware of the natural rhythm of the body is satisfying. Its a reminder that this body and the energy it makes and shares, can be done in various ways. Brushing my teeth can be a sensual experience when I am shimmying my hips. More than anything, the idea that sensuality can infuse every day actions was inspiring. It is fun to be a woman (most of the time). Accepting my body in all of its deliciousness without comparing it to others is inspiring- as well as a philosophy I am carrying with me daily.

Q; So , what's next and what are you looking forward to most about the next dare?
A: Roller skating! Its been at least 20 years since I was on skates. Those days of riding the rink at Skate World in the 80's and 90's has me feeling super nostalgic. And anxious. I am really hesitant to have any of my friends see my on skates, because I am afraid of falling, clinging to the wall, and just looking like a scardey cat all around. But god- how miss the feel of the speed, whipping around those corners with my acid washed jeans and jelly bracelets....
The plan is for me to take some private refresher lessons where I can reacquaint myself with the feeling of being on wheels, as well as gauge how comfortable I am on them. Re-learning the basics like how to stop and turn (20 years, people..I am worried I forgot it all). Then I plan to put together some skate events where any of my friends who want to go out and skate the night away with me, can. Finally, there is a Roller Derby class I also want to take. Cuz in case ya'll missed the memo, I am kind of a bad ass- that may or may not translate on skates. :)

Botulism: A Dance With The Devil

I am writing this from the comfort of my bed- one of the favorite places in my life. (with its temperpedic mattress, freshly washed jersey cotton sheets, fluffy/firm pillows and down comforter- how could it not be?). I am poised to enter Slumber Land, and before I do I felt it was important to document today, as it may very well be my last day due to the Dance.....

Today, I it was my Sunday and I spent it:
writing a budget fro the next 2 months
on the phone with the car insurance company, the rental car company, assorted utilities making payments
washing windows in the sunshine
doing laundry pt. 1 (which consists of washing everything, and putting it in a giant pile on the table in the laundry/guest room. Tomorrow post work- pt 2: sorting, folding/hanging/ putting it all away)
cleaning out and organizing cupboards in the kitchen
doing the dishes
attempting to make Carnitas Enchiladas... this is where the story gets DANGEROUS. Brace yourselves.

In the midst of all the time spent in my kitchen today, sun shining, music filling the space...I pulled out of the freezer the leftover carnitas I made via my Crock Pot Husband last week. As I was cleaning out my cupboards, I decided to use a can of slightly dented tomatoes, to thicken the sauce for the enchiladas. The sauce was made from the frozen carnitas broth, and the tomatoes, and a little tapioca starch made it perfectly viscous. I boiled the shit out of it- partly because I wanted to reduce it down to a very thick sauce, and also because in the back of my mind the possibility of the tomatoes being contaminated with Botulism was present.
I sauteed up the carnitas with mushrooms, red pepper, onion, and kale. Oh the smells were heavenly! I spooned a few table spoons of the sauce in to the pan with the meat and veggies because I wanted to spice it up a skosh. A little paranoid voice piped up and said " don't do it Paula!"
Too late. I took a few bites. Oh.my.god. It was perfection....

What my close friends and family know about me, is that I can work myself up into a panic and become drenched in anxiety if I ponder a possibility of life-threatening magnitude. And this is exactly what began to happen...

What if I had just given myself Botulism??!!! I would be dead by morning...Crikey!!!

Feeling like Bridget Jones: Overly- Dramatic Singleton, my mind raced... the Internet was too vague or too specific. The idea of posing the question to all of my Facebook friends made me feel vulnerable and stupid. But I needed to find the information that would soothe my fears of being found, days later dead with my cat circling my lifeless body wondering when dinner was being served....these are the places my mind goes as a single woman. (Bridget's fear is being found dead, as wild dogs feed on her lifeless body...)

So I called my oldest friend Susie, who is a brilliant biologist, in Seattle.

" Hi."
" Hi. I need to ask you a question about something scientific, because I am kind of freaking out right now. I need to talk to someone smarter than I am, about this."
"Ok. What is going on?"

I explained the enchilada fiasco.

"So... do you think I am ok? Am I going to die Suz?"
Pause.
She asked a few questions about the condition of the can, and I answered.
Pause.
" I think you are going to be ok."
exhale. giggles from both of us.
" Suz, will you call me in the morning to make sure I am still alive?"
" Of course. I totally get it. I just asked a friend to do the same thing for me last week, before a night hiking expedition for work." More giggles. "Your tombstone would read, " Here lies Paula. She died from Botulism." More giggles.
We proceeded to laugh, really , really hard about the whole thing (and also the mention of this video we made in high school for our Humanities class). The humor of the situation- that this is what single people, like myself, have to resort to in odd situations such as this. It felt good to share the anxiety with someone else who not only understood my situation and could relate, but someone who knows me well and didn't make me feel stupid for freaking out. That is a great friend. (Thanks again, Suz!!!! <3)

There is nothing like a dance with the devil, to make you appreciate your life. If today was my last day, would I be ok with that? Have I done everything, said everything I want to?
No.
I haven't been in love.
I haven't seen Ireland.
I haven't written my book.
I haven't had a baby.
I haven't ... well the list is long.
My life is short, and time is fleeting....
and the laundry is not going to fold itself, no matter how much I might wish otherwise....

If I wake up tomorrow, (and its quite likely I will), I will be grateful for another day. Holy Toasted Marshmallows- there is so much life to live!!!! Its too short for eating Carnitas Enchiladas sprinkled with the possibility of Botulism!

Carpe Diem, People!!!!! Go get it!

Changing Things

"If you change the way you look at things- the things you look at will change. " ~ Wayne Dyer

I find myself dreading my next Belly Dance Class.
Because it means I have to try harder at zoning in on my body.
Being present.
Looking at at it.
Owning it.
Feeling it.
It is very difficult for me to do.
There is a reason why I dared myself to do this- without challenging myself to publicly, I might otherwise just ignore it.
The challenge of the surfacing fears and feelings, ignites my rebellious streak. Finding another perspective to look out at my body and feelings from becomes necessary in sustaining the pace.

I need to remember that I am not in competition with anyone else other than myself. It doesn't matter if I ever master Belly Dancing. What matters is my attitude, the openness of mind and heart to the experience, and the beauty of knowing that I have it in me to do my best.

My body shape will not change over night, and perhaps the way I look at my body's shape will...

Dare to Bare #2- Post Dare Wrap up: Snowboarding

Q: What was the most difficult part of this month's dare, Snowboarding.

A:A few things-
1.) Being at Mother Nature's mercy as far as weather goes. If the snow isn't optimal, or the wind or rain are happening, it's either a no-go, or damp and cold.
2.)finding my toe & heel edge's
3.) getting off the chair lift
4.)the physical pain of wearing snowboarding boots
5.) the sheer frustration of feeling like I am never going to grasp this sport

Q: Were there any particular themes that came up, repeatedly for you?
A: Acceptance, again was prominent. I had to accept that it didn't work out for me to go the first time. I had to accept that I wasn't going to be able to ride down the hill without falling. I also accepted a free pass, a lesson from one of my best friends, a ride up and back from one of her friends/ Chill volunteers, the brief moments of beautiful sunshine on Mt. Hood, and the pain of using new muscles.

Q: When did you feel most vulnerable?
A: Right after every fall. All I could do was laugh. And then my determination kicked in and I got back up, only to fall back down again. It made me think about where our determination comes from- as toddlers when we are learning to walk, I bet we go through similar thought patterns and feelings. Obviously I can walk, so it gives me hope that I can snowboard one day too.

Q:On a scale of 1- 5, rate the difficulty of this dare.
A: 6.

Q: How were you inspired by what you learned?
A: Again, it just reinforced my determination and rebellious streak. Its a delicate balance and a fine line to walk somewhere between rebelling against the circumstances and accepting what is.

Q; So , what's next and what are you looking forward to most about the next dare?
A: Belly dancing and Zumba class at the gym. I started Belly Dance last week, and I liked it. Though I am finding it very difficult. I am looking forward to coming away from dancing with the knowledge that I am connected to the Grand Rhythm, and that I can find a place of acceptance with what that means for me. And also have some fun with my body- to shake it up and not take it so seriously. To enjoy the feeling of expressing joy through my body's interpretation of the beat.

And the beat goes on....

Dare to Bare #2- Snowboarding: "Oh Snow I did- in't! and then I did"

Even though I am not Catholic, I decided for Lent I would give up disappointment. That includes giving up the power that feeling of being disappointed in myself, in others, in circumstances or situations. Doing so, would mean I would need to lower my expectaions- to go with the flow and not resist what changes occur.
Today, that challenge seems hard to meet. Today, I was all set to complete my Dare To Bare for February- Snowboarding.

By 7:30am, Athena and I were on our way up to Mt. Hood. I was pumped! We stopped and got the traditional Chorizo Burritos. We pateintly waited to get by the jack-knifed Semi in the other lane, hodling up traffic. We braved the road up to Timberline (with Athena telling me the drive up today was in "The Top 5 Worst Drives Up to Timberline She Has Ever Experienced In The 12 Years She Has Been Snowboarding"

, only to be met with a freakish wind, blowing up snow in the worst way possible. White Out conditions all the way. Then, Athena's Suburu got stuck in the parking lot- if that tells you anything about what it was like at the top. That picture is the only one I got on our way out. Athena's friends from Chill (http://www.chill.org/), the volunteer program she participates in every Saturday during the Winter season, came and met us in the parking lot, to help us out of it. They too were not going to stay, and in fact that days Chill Lesson was looking like it was on the verge of being canceled. All signs pointed to me not getting on the board today. As sad as I am about that, I also trust Athena implicitly and know that if she isn't willing to go for it- I probably shouldn't either.

Which is why we are committing to trying again next Saturday.

To combat my disappointment, Athena and I decided a movie and a burger was the best antiserum. We found ourselves in Hillsboro, (which feels like being in the Twilight Zone for both of us now, since we never go out there really. I my Hometown #2, always feels a little strange now...but that is a whole other post...). We took in a viewing of "The Vow", where we were 2 out of 4 people also enjoying the lovliness that is Channing Tatum (now granted those wedding vows were kind of cheezy, but what it comes down to is this- sometimes you are just supposed to be with certain people in life, no matter how you get to them. But again, I digress). We then discussed the movie over a burger at Rachel's Classic Burgers (which is Oregon's answer to the In-N-Out Burger. No seriously.. it is. ) By that time it was only 2:30pm, and exhaustion was taking over.

UPDATE: Saturday, March 2, 2012
Well, I went and did it. Dare completed. And... I had fun! It was hard, and I am no where near mastering it. Damn, I wish someone had been there to capture all of my falls on video. That footage would be great for me to watch when I needed a good laugh.
Athena was a fantastic teacher- she left me on my own, there on the Bunny Hill (which at this point feels like Kilamanjaro), and I did a couple of runs/falling down on my ass/ all the way down the hill. I biffed it every time off the lift. We discovered that the bindings on my board need to be adjusted, and that should help in me picking up the feel off it better.
My body did hurt that day, and the day after, but not the way I had anticipated. I think because I have been doing yoga, running, and even my one belly dance class helped. Plus all of the Arnica, Ibuprofen and epsom salt baths helped, I am sure.

The discovery of liking snowboarding has me looking forward to next winter. Since my Dare, both of my brothers have expressed interest in learning too. Uh-oh. All three of us on the mountain at the same time....that's a party I won't want to miss!

Thanks again to one of my bestest friends, Athena, for teaching and hookin' a sister up with a pass for the day. You are my LOML! I had so much fun and I can't wait to do it again. Maybe someday I'll even be able to board the same runs with you!!!

*pictures to follow*