Fast Away the old year passes.
So long 2010 and all of your hard- learned lessons. Welcome 2011. 1.1.11!
This last week of the year, has been filled with lots of happenings: my brother in the hospital and now ok, me contracting wicked food poisoning and missing a dear friend's wedding today, due to mentioned illness. Thats just this last week and half!
Looking back over my 2010 personal plan of action, the theme was cleaning out the nooks and crannies of my life. Boy, I did not know what I was getting into! Let's recap shall we?
"Deep cleaning of the nooks and crannies of every part of my life to allow the total embrace of the greater possibilities."
my home- go through every cupboard, every corner, and let go of the things that are no longer serving me. Dust, vacuum, clean. ( As it turns out, I cleaned it out so well that I cleaned myself into a new home! Hello Magic Cottage!!! Small actions can have big, unexpected results.)
meet with Portland astrologer and enroll in private lessons (I took lessons off and on in 2010. I expect to do more of that in 2011.)
make more time for giving intuitive readings- thin about shifting my job schedule to accommodate this work. (Read for a few new people)
be creative everyday- sew something, paint something, doodle something- whatever. (was more playful, but not nearly as creative as I wanted to be. Having space to create now, will hopefully inspire an increase!)
my body- let's move more, shall we? Dance, stretch, hike, walk for 30 minutes everyday. Let's also make time for stillness in here. Let's meditate and be still in our skin.( I definately hiked more than I have before. I got lax, though. I need to get back into it. Exercise was off and on.)
my head- let's clear out some of these old beliefs that have served as blocks- holding me back from knowing and embracing what I know is possible. If I can dream it- I can do it. Let's go back to therapy and dig really deep in there- body image issues, childhood building block beliefs, parental influences, ancestral influences- all of it. Let's lighten the load and let go of feeling so stuck in this body and this life! (Whoa, whoa, whoa! This is where I did the most work. This was also the hardest. And its never done. I did make some huge dents in the iceberg though. Major progress forward- discovering key blocks and breaking them down. Going back to therapy was a huge catalyst for the emotional excavating that occurred. "
There were other things too, that I didn't make time for or that are spilling over into 2011, such as:
*making time to be creative everyday- either in a big or small way
*making exercise a part of my daily life. I am planning to join a gym in January. I don't care that it is cliche- its also symbolic for me. (I am also looking forward to purchasing a new gym bag and eventually a new ipod for my daily jaunts.)
*finishing up the payment of my debt.( I am sooooo close! This is the year I conquer it and then begin to SAVE!!!!!!!!)
*welcome a new love relationship into my life. It's time. It's been over 3 years since my last relationship. In that time, I have worked hard at letting go of beliefs that have blocked me from accepting real love into my life. I want this to be the time. It is the time. I am ready to be loved and to give love. I am excited to see who comes into my life to share in that lesson with me.
*combat my stress. walk, exercise, swim, yoga, meditation. I want to incorporate all of these methods into my life.( When I am stressed, I am snappy and unpleasant. I am tired and run-down. I want to choose to be energized in my life.)
*travel- I want to go back east, maybe to Hawaii, and up to Canada in 2011.
*try NIA dance and see how it makes me feel.
*volunteer- I have a lot to give and not enough time to give it, it seems. My time is the most precius thing I can give and I want to share it with a purpose and cause.
lots of little things to do- finish setting up my home, make art, commit to selling my work, buy a washer and dryer, Cook more. Have dinner parties with friends. And I want to hug people more often. I want to be a better hugger. Yes.
As always with new years, it feels vast and open. A blank slate waiting to be filled up with possibility, wisdom and adventure.
May it be so for you and yours.YES!
Friday, December 31, 2010
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
A light in the Dark
Last night I burned the box.
Gathered with a few others, around the fire, their own boxes to burn.
We released the things that no longer serve us, and welcomed in the light.
It was a much needed occasion, as I had spent half the day at the hospital with my brother. He had a freak bicycle accident which ended with him being rushed to the hospital. He is ok, back at home now and resting. I am so very, very grateful he is alright, sustaining few injuries.
To be in the light, of the light - that is what sustains us through the winter.
I am so excited for Christmas this year. In a few days, I will be able to take a break from the world and gather with my family for a day of rest and leisure, celebrating the magic of the season.
Because after many years of being blind to it - I see it more clearly this year than I have in a long time.
Merry Christmas to you and yours. Sending love and reminding you of your light....
Blessed Be.
Gathered with a few others, around the fire, their own boxes to burn.
We released the things that no longer serve us, and welcomed in the light.
It was a much needed occasion, as I had spent half the day at the hospital with my brother. He had a freak bicycle accident which ended with him being rushed to the hospital. He is ok, back at home now and resting. I am so very, very grateful he is alright, sustaining few injuries.
To be in the light, of the light - that is what sustains us through the winter.
I am so excited for Christmas this year. In a few days, I will be able to take a break from the world and gather with my family for a day of rest and leisure, celebrating the magic of the season.
Because after many years of being blind to it - I see it more clearly this year than I have in a long time.
Merry Christmas to you and yours. Sending love and reminding you of your light....
Blessed Be.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Ghost Town
I found myself driving through the ghost town of my heart last evening. The place I was conceived, born,broken and left behind many times.
I understand now my own mother's aversion to North Portland. It is haunted and it haunts me.
That place gives me so much anxiety. The ghosts of memories past swimming around, a knot in my stomach.
Here is the place I was left behind. Here is the place I played as a child. Here is where my family came from. Here is where he took my hand and kissed me on the street. Here is where he died. Here is where a part of me died and lingers.... and so it went.
I had to call Shauna by the time I made it through, painfully stirred up, to Janzen Beach. I needed her to talk me down from the ledge of anxiety. Someone who beleived in me- who knows this journey from her own time spent on it.
I was on my way to a family reunion of my mother's family- almost all of which I had not seen in over a decade. And I was a wreck.
Lost in my own place of origin. Does this place define me? Who I am and where I will go?
I have always preached that we cannot know who we really are until to we truly understand where we come from.
And where is that for me exactly? A lot of pain. A lot of suffering, lying dormant these many years, only to be triggered into awakness by people, places- words essentially.
I feel stuck in this place- swimming in a sea of anguish like I have not know before. Words fail me in some ways... and yet I am here typing these words out.
Scooping.
Purging.
Pouring. Begging for it to be over.
I think about making a map- a map of the places that hurt in this town. And to go to each one by myself. And feel it. Observe what comes up for me. Feel it to its maximum being. And then..... ask myself if I need to hold onto that place, that person, that feeling.
I know the answers before I will speak them. But experience makes up for where words fail.
Driving home from my cousin's last night, and a reunion of 4 generations of women, I was behind my Grandmother and her boyfriend, with my mother behind me. Driving on the freeway past the exits that lead to painful memories. And I thought to myself-" Wow. Look how loved you are in this moment. These people- your family- are supporting you and protecting you in this moment through this painful place. Look at that. Unknowingly, there presence soothes you and reminds you that you don't just come from one place- you come from many . And you will visit more in the time to come. "
this too shall pass....
I understand now my own mother's aversion to North Portland. It is haunted and it haunts me.
That place gives me so much anxiety. The ghosts of memories past swimming around, a knot in my stomach.
Here is the place I was left behind. Here is the place I played as a child. Here is where my family came from. Here is where he took my hand and kissed me on the street. Here is where he died. Here is where a part of me died and lingers.... and so it went.
I had to call Shauna by the time I made it through, painfully stirred up, to Janzen Beach. I needed her to talk me down from the ledge of anxiety. Someone who beleived in me- who knows this journey from her own time spent on it.
I was on my way to a family reunion of my mother's family- almost all of which I had not seen in over a decade. And I was a wreck.
Lost in my own place of origin. Does this place define me? Who I am and where I will go?
I have always preached that we cannot know who we really are until to we truly understand where we come from.
And where is that for me exactly? A lot of pain. A lot of suffering, lying dormant these many years, only to be triggered into awakness by people, places- words essentially.
I feel stuck in this place- swimming in a sea of anguish like I have not know before. Words fail me in some ways... and yet I am here typing these words out.
Scooping.
Purging.
Pouring. Begging for it to be over.
I think about making a map- a map of the places that hurt in this town. And to go to each one by myself. And feel it. Observe what comes up for me. Feel it to its maximum being. And then..... ask myself if I need to hold onto that place, that person, that feeling.
I know the answers before I will speak them. But experience makes up for where words fail.
Driving home from my cousin's last night, and a reunion of 4 generations of women, I was behind my Grandmother and her boyfriend, with my mother behind me. Driving on the freeway past the exits that lead to painful memories. And I thought to myself-" Wow. Look how loved you are in this moment. These people- your family- are supporting you and protecting you in this moment through this painful place. Look at that. Unknowingly, there presence soothes you and reminds you that you don't just come from one place- you come from many . And you will visit more in the time to come. "
this too shall pass....
Monday, December 13, 2010
Dear Shauna
My best friend, the lovely and Talented Shauna has started a new blog.
With my name on it.
What a tribute, right? :)
6 years ago, my BFF moved to San Diego to take up residence with her father, step-mom and their kids. She went to sort out some questions and connections for herself. In the end, she came home to where her heart could be whole and left a very difficult part of her life there. There is more to it- but that is her story to tell.
While she was there over the course of about 6 months- we wrote each other everyday. To this day, it is the most constant I have ever been in my communication. Both of us had questions to ask, while the other offered clues to the answers the other sought. Our words, heartfelt, deep, raw and beautiful connected us to times of great transition in our lives. I was still mourning the sudden death of my father that previous Feb, and by the time she came home in Nov, D. and I had just began dating only days before. Wow. That was a long time ago! And how far we have come....
In the spirit of those deep daily emails we sent one another, and also to highlight the gifts and talents of the brilliant writer Shauna is- she began a blog called "Dear Paula". The first entry was on my birthday- a sweet gorgeous gift to receive from my soul sister, so dear.
Stop by and check it out, won't you?
http://www.deartylerstracker.com
xoxoxoxoxoxo
Saturday, December 11, 2010
In honor of Mercury's retrograde
It's a time of review, re-evaluation and reflection when mercury goes retrograde. I find it especially poignant this time of year. This time around, Mercury is retrograde Dec 10-30. Some of the darkest days of the year, and at the tail end of 2010, no less.
I haven't been writing about what I have been up to lately because it's been deep work I am doing on the interior of my soul, heart, head and chakras etc. Too much information for here, maybe. But then again- I promise always to deliver the true, raw, honest truth in this space. So why not? Maybe there is something in my words for you, dear reader.
Having had a pretty significant breakthrough about my relationship patterns due to my family's patterns has been heavy to say the least. I come from, on my dad's side, on the dark side of things, a family where there has been generations of sexual abuse. I am glad to say the cycle doesn't include me, but it affects me nonetheless.
As a girl of 14, my father left me. Emotionally I was scarred, never to be the same. He left me and my brother for his own reasons. To deal with the heat of actions made past and the spotlight of crimes committed. I'd like to think he spared us. But it left a whole in my heart. It left me feeling I was unlovable. What was so wrong with me that my own father cut himself totally and completely out of my life for 6 years? I was devastated.
It was not the first time he had left me. He never had it to give to me- emotional availability was something he himself had turned off long before my time- when he was still a boy enduring unspeakable things. He was wounded, and as such wounded me.
My relationships, most notably with my ex, D., mirrored these feelings of me seeking out my father's love, approval, emotional support,acceptance and admiration. D. is a lot like my dad. From his zodiac sign, to the fact he lived 2 blocks from the house I was conceived in, to a shared sexual abuse wound, anit-socialness, emotional availability, right down to how he looks. D. was my father reincarnated. I was and had been fighting, for the duration of our time together, for the attachment of my father. I wanted this man to make up for all the things I didn't get from my dad. I literally begged for him to do so, not knowing that is what I was doing.
The knowledge of my subconscious actions has shifted my perception greatly. I am in so much gratitude for this man, and how he helped see these things about myself. He is not a perfect man, and yet I will always have a deep love and respect for the parts of ourselves we grew and shared together.
He has finally moved on and met a new lady. This news was met with hurt. It's not him- truthfully we don't fit together and it is not meant to work out. Learning about him being in a new relationship, triggered in me again- those feelings of value and worth I have been working to heal.
What is so wrong with me that I am not in a relationship, and he is?
I have been working incredibly hard and diligently at healing my wounds, and yet he is with someone.
I feel like I got left behind again.
But I didn't. This has nothing to do with him. Not really. This is all on me. (And I am thankful to know he gets that.)
It echoes for me the feelings that say I am not lovable because I am not in a relationship with a man who loves and accepts me and he has found that (at least I imagine so.)
For him- I wish so much good. I love, love, love this man though I am not in love with him anymore.I know he has the same love for me - that's the beautiful part of it all, recognizing that in each other. I want for him to be happy and to be with a women who fits him and be for him what I always wanted to be, but am not destined to be. I long for the day when we can be real friends, laughing over silly things like people do when they know each other well and care. I look forward to the day when seeing him and hearing his voice does not make me react from the place of the wounded girl. I want to make peace with the hurt- to let it go. To allow the teenage girl who was abandoned by her father a chance to know real love-ablity. I look forward to the day when I am not working so hard on this dark spot in my bright soul. I long for the day when I can love my whole self with a man who does too.
So in honor of Mercury, I am digging deeper- further than I have ever gone to scoop out the broken bits. I have started to write down everything I am angry about in regards to the three men who have hurt me most in my life- D., my father, and my grandfather. I write down the things I am angry at myself for. All the hurt, frustration and agony I have allowed to grow. I write these words, and place them in a little black box. Through the ritual of ceremony, I plan to burn the box and let it all go. Up into the sky, to the heavens, to the stars for God to take into his being and hold for me. To fashion something new and lovely out of the pain I have endured. No more. I want 2011 to be a year of magic, possibility and at long last, true love.
Let it begin.
This week, I will be decorating the Magic Cottage for Christmas. I am really hoping to get everything photographed and have a home tour for you soon. Promise. :)
Happy reflecting, dear reader. From great change, comes great possibility.
I haven't been writing about what I have been up to lately because it's been deep work I am doing on the interior of my soul, heart, head and chakras etc. Too much information for here, maybe. But then again- I promise always to deliver the true, raw, honest truth in this space. So why not? Maybe there is something in my words for you, dear reader.
Having had a pretty significant breakthrough about my relationship patterns due to my family's patterns has been heavy to say the least. I come from, on my dad's side, on the dark side of things, a family where there has been generations of sexual abuse. I am glad to say the cycle doesn't include me, but it affects me nonetheless.
As a girl of 14, my father left me. Emotionally I was scarred, never to be the same. He left me and my brother for his own reasons. To deal with the heat of actions made past and the spotlight of crimes committed. I'd like to think he spared us. But it left a whole in my heart. It left me feeling I was unlovable. What was so wrong with me that my own father cut himself totally and completely out of my life for 6 years? I was devastated.
It was not the first time he had left me. He never had it to give to me- emotional availability was something he himself had turned off long before my time- when he was still a boy enduring unspeakable things. He was wounded, and as such wounded me.
My relationships, most notably with my ex, D., mirrored these feelings of me seeking out my father's love, approval, emotional support,acceptance and admiration. D. is a lot like my dad. From his zodiac sign, to the fact he lived 2 blocks from the house I was conceived in, to a shared sexual abuse wound, anit-socialness, emotional availability, right down to how he looks. D. was my father reincarnated. I was and had been fighting, for the duration of our time together, for the attachment of my father. I wanted this man to make up for all the things I didn't get from my dad. I literally begged for him to do so, not knowing that is what I was doing.
The knowledge of my subconscious actions has shifted my perception greatly. I am in so much gratitude for this man, and how he helped see these things about myself. He is not a perfect man, and yet I will always have a deep love and respect for the parts of ourselves we grew and shared together.
He has finally moved on and met a new lady. This news was met with hurt. It's not him- truthfully we don't fit together and it is not meant to work out. Learning about him being in a new relationship, triggered in me again- those feelings of value and worth I have been working to heal.
What is so wrong with me that I am not in a relationship, and he is?
I have been working incredibly hard and diligently at healing my wounds, and yet he is with someone.
I feel like I got left behind again.
But I didn't. This has nothing to do with him. Not really. This is all on me. (And I am thankful to know he gets that.)
It echoes for me the feelings that say I am not lovable because I am not in a relationship with a man who loves and accepts me and he has found that (at least I imagine so.)
For him- I wish so much good. I love, love, love this man though I am not in love with him anymore.I know he has the same love for me - that's the beautiful part of it all, recognizing that in each other. I want for him to be happy and to be with a women who fits him and be for him what I always wanted to be, but am not destined to be. I long for the day when we can be real friends, laughing over silly things like people do when they know each other well and care. I look forward to the day when seeing him and hearing his voice does not make me react from the place of the wounded girl. I want to make peace with the hurt- to let it go. To allow the teenage girl who was abandoned by her father a chance to know real love-ablity. I look forward to the day when I am not working so hard on this dark spot in my bright soul. I long for the day when I can love my whole self with a man who does too.
So in honor of Mercury, I am digging deeper- further than I have ever gone to scoop out the broken bits. I have started to write down everything I am angry about in regards to the three men who have hurt me most in my life- D., my father, and my grandfather. I write down the things I am angry at myself for. All the hurt, frustration and agony I have allowed to grow. I write these words, and place them in a little black box. Through the ritual of ceremony, I plan to burn the box and let it all go. Up into the sky, to the heavens, to the stars for God to take into his being and hold for me. To fashion something new and lovely out of the pain I have endured. No more. I want 2011 to be a year of magic, possibility and at long last, true love.
Let it begin.
This week, I will be decorating the Magic Cottage for Christmas. I am really hoping to get everything photographed and have a home tour for you soon. Promise. :)
Happy reflecting, dear reader. From great change, comes great possibility.
Friday, November 5, 2010
Cozy Enchantment
I Am so happy here.
Even when I am sick, this magical place somehow makes even that seem just fine.
There aren't any sources of light in the living room or loft, aside from lamps and the kitchen light. So I have put up white twinkle lights around the dining area, the fireplace mantle and along the loft railing. It lends its own kind of enchantment....
If you look closely, you will see Ellie snuggled up in the purple afghan on the sofa.
Sorry about the grainy pic- but it's faster these days if I upload from my phone....
Thursday, October 14, 2010
The Magic Cottage
It was late, on a Weds night that I found the ad.
I had been up again, combing through Craiglist in search of my next home. There was a desperate force driving me- feeding on the hope of sleeping in my own bed again soon (Derrick's couch was not a great long term solution for my back!).
"It has to be here somewhere!", I kept saying to myself.
"It has to!"
Friends had offered many tips on how to effectively apartment hunt on CL. Using different search words, and not limiting ads to just ones with pictures were the tips I adopted.
There I was again.... searching.
I typed in the word "cottage", again. Usually it showed homes waaaaayyy out of my price range. There at the bottom of the search results was an ad for a cottage that met all of my criteria.Yikes. It was $75. more than I wanted to pay. It is definately doable. If I really loved it, and felt it was worth the extra money.
There weren't any pictures in the ad. Hmmmm... this could be good...or this could be bad....I emailed the ad poster.
Friday, mid-morning I got a call from the owner of the cottage. I made an appointment to go out and see it, immediately after work, after hearing her give me more of a description. I had to jump on this before someone else did.
Driving over there, I was thinking of my list, the one I made with all of my desires for my next home. I hadn't held back- I asked for everything I could think I would want in my next home sweet home. I was feeling something on my drive there- was it the energies of what I wanted and what the Universe was opening up to give me, lining up???
This felt good. This felt like it might go somewhere....
I pulled up and the landlady met me at the end of the driveway. I liked her immediately. She seemed smart, kind, and soft of heart in all the right ways. She had kind eyes.
We chatted as we walked down to the end of the property, which is a 1/2 acre on the West Slope that is shared with her (in her house, built in the 40's), and J. the arborist (in his house built in the 60's or 70's) , between her house and the cottage (built in the 40's or 50's). As we approached the little blue cottage, I noted that it didn't look special. But seeing it's cheerful red door set my heart racing and my head buzzing. "Don't be so sure this ISN'T special!", I suddenly heard a voice inside me say. This feels so right....
We walked in and C. was chatting about what needed to be fixed, etc. I was only half listening as I took in the vaulted ceiling with its exposed dark wooden beams; the Pergo wood floors, the windows and the light, the fireplace* with its white brick; the sweet little kitchen with a dishwasher*; the stairs that led up to the loft. 60 seconds after walking in, I made a declaration.
"I want it." I said firmly.
This is my home. This is what I have been waiting for. This is it. I knew it as surely as I knew my own name. It was worth way more than the extra $75 bucks.This was SPECIAL.
"But you haven't seen the rest of it yet!" C. countered back.
"I don't care. I want it." I said with absolute certainty.
"OK." she said. "Let's look at the rest of it then."
I could tell she was not totally convinced about me just yet. She was cautious and intrigued all at once. She hadn't known me but 5 minutes; I understood her uncertainty and remained confident in my own commitment.
She took me up to the loft**. There is a closet*, a wonderful window, and a half bathroom**.
Then we went downstairs to the cute full bathroom*, the hall, the linen closet*, the master bedroom with door leading out to the courtyard** and closet*. To the 2nd(guest)room, with it's closets* one for storage, one for the washer & dryer hook ups*, and one with the new water heater and new gas furnace).Then came the beautiful big backyard. It had a rustic fire pit dug but the previous tenants**, so much space for a garden and a hammock and possibilities galore. Beautiful trees and shrubs everywhere.
While she was showing me the backyard, I met J. the arborist. As it happened he came home on a rare night ( C. said he was there at his place when not at his girlfriend's). We all chatted for a few minutes, and it felt nice. It felt easy and comfortable and strangely familiar. We would all get along very well together, I decided.
C. told me that there was 1,200 square feet in that cottage. That is literally 5 times the size of the Boundary Street place. Holy Crap. It's like living in a mansion compared to the happy shoebox I lived in for 3 years!
"You are gonna need more furniture!" C. exclaimed. "I have a lot of furniture just sitting in my basement you may want to use. Would you like to take a look at it?"
Dumbfounded, I replied, "Yes. Yes I would!!!"
I figured saying yes is something I should get used to because I have a feeling things are going to be going the way I want them too, in this next chapter. I will be saying yes a lot more often. Yes =things opening up positively.
Later that night, I emailed C. my application ,and was approved a few days later. Now, all that is left to do is to sign my lease this weekend, pick out furniture from her basement, and move in on Monday.
This is what I have been waiting for. I am beyond excited. And soooooooo grateful.
This cottage was made out of magic for me.
My list came true. My intentions were pure.
And as much as I wanted to settle down, I didn't settle.
And you know what?
I got way more than I ever thought possible for myself.
Believing in the possibilities, staying true to my deepest desires helped this cottage open up for me. I have seen what is possible and I have experienced first hand practical magic.
Magic is not just a thing of fairytales, friends.
It is real. When perfect timing,faith, and creativity line up- that's when it happens.
That's magic, my friends.
Pictures coming very soon!
*=item on my wishlist **=bonus (not on my list and welcomed)
I had been up again, combing through Craiglist in search of my next home. There was a desperate force driving me- feeding on the hope of sleeping in my own bed again soon (Derrick's couch was not a great long term solution for my back!).
"It has to be here somewhere!", I kept saying to myself.
"It has to!"
Friends had offered many tips on how to effectively apartment hunt on CL. Using different search words, and not limiting ads to just ones with pictures were the tips I adopted.
There I was again.... searching.
I typed in the word "cottage", again. Usually it showed homes waaaaayyy out of my price range. There at the bottom of the search results was an ad for a cottage that met all of my criteria.Yikes. It was $75. more than I wanted to pay. It is definately doable. If I really loved it, and felt it was worth the extra money.
There weren't any pictures in the ad. Hmmmm... this could be good...or this could be bad....I emailed the ad poster.
Friday, mid-morning I got a call from the owner of the cottage. I made an appointment to go out and see it, immediately after work, after hearing her give me more of a description. I had to jump on this before someone else did.
Driving over there, I was thinking of my list, the one I made with all of my desires for my next home. I hadn't held back- I asked for everything I could think I would want in my next home sweet home. I was feeling something on my drive there- was it the energies of what I wanted and what the Universe was opening up to give me, lining up???
This felt good. This felt like it might go somewhere....
I pulled up and the landlady met me at the end of the driveway. I liked her immediately. She seemed smart, kind, and soft of heart in all the right ways. She had kind eyes.
We chatted as we walked down to the end of the property, which is a 1/2 acre on the West Slope that is shared with her (in her house, built in the 40's), and J. the arborist (in his house built in the 60's or 70's) , between her house and the cottage (built in the 40's or 50's). As we approached the little blue cottage, I noted that it didn't look special. But seeing it's cheerful red door set my heart racing and my head buzzing. "Don't be so sure this ISN'T special!", I suddenly heard a voice inside me say. This feels so right....
We walked in and C. was chatting about what needed to be fixed, etc. I was only half listening as I took in the vaulted ceiling with its exposed dark wooden beams; the Pergo wood floors, the windows and the light, the fireplace* with its white brick; the sweet little kitchen with a dishwasher*; the stairs that led up to the loft. 60 seconds after walking in, I made a declaration.
"I want it." I said firmly.
This is my home. This is what I have been waiting for. This is it. I knew it as surely as I knew my own name. It was worth way more than the extra $75 bucks.This was SPECIAL.
"But you haven't seen the rest of it yet!" C. countered back.
"I don't care. I want it." I said with absolute certainty.
"OK." she said. "Let's look at the rest of it then."
I could tell she was not totally convinced about me just yet. She was cautious and intrigued all at once. She hadn't known me but 5 minutes; I understood her uncertainty and remained confident in my own commitment.
She took me up to the loft**. There is a closet*, a wonderful window, and a half bathroom**.
Then we went downstairs to the cute full bathroom*, the hall, the linen closet*, the master bedroom with door leading out to the courtyard** and closet*. To the 2nd(guest)room, with it's closets* one for storage, one for the washer & dryer hook ups*, and one with the new water heater and new gas furnace).Then came the beautiful big backyard. It had a rustic fire pit dug but the previous tenants**, so much space for a garden and a hammock and possibilities galore. Beautiful trees and shrubs everywhere.
While she was showing me the backyard, I met J. the arborist. As it happened he came home on a rare night ( C. said he was there at his place when not at his girlfriend's). We all chatted for a few minutes, and it felt nice. It felt easy and comfortable and strangely familiar. We would all get along very well together, I decided.
C. told me that there was 1,200 square feet in that cottage. That is literally 5 times the size of the Boundary Street place. Holy Crap. It's like living in a mansion compared to the happy shoebox I lived in for 3 years!
"You are gonna need more furniture!" C. exclaimed. "I have a lot of furniture just sitting in my basement you may want to use. Would you like to take a look at it?"
Dumbfounded, I replied, "Yes. Yes I would!!!"
I figured saying yes is something I should get used to because I have a feeling things are going to be going the way I want them too, in this next chapter. I will be saying yes a lot more often. Yes =things opening up positively.
Later that night, I emailed C. my application ,and was approved a few days later. Now, all that is left to do is to sign my lease this weekend, pick out furniture from her basement, and move in on Monday.
This is what I have been waiting for. I am beyond excited. And soooooooo grateful.
This cottage was made out of magic for me.
My list came true. My intentions were pure.
And as much as I wanted to settle down, I didn't settle.
And you know what?
I got way more than I ever thought possible for myself.
Believing in the possibilities, staying true to my deepest desires helped this cottage open up for me. I have seen what is possible and I have experienced first hand practical magic.
Magic is not just a thing of fairytales, friends.
It is real. When perfect timing,faith, and creativity line up- that's when it happens.
That's magic, my friends.
Pictures coming very soon!
*=item on my wishlist **=bonus (not on my list and welcomed)
Seven and counting
Seven weeks have passed since I moved from Boundary Street. In that time I have:
spent hundreds of hours on Craiglist, searching for a new home
watched over a dozen movies
caught up on the Jersey Shore season 1 (I'll explain that one later. Trust me I am justified)
read 5 books
completed two hikes
cooked 5 new dishes (Morrocan Meatball, Squash, Chard Stew; Italian Meatsauce with GF noodles and Zucchini noodles, chicken meatball veggie soup; chicken veggie chili, GF pumpkin coconut pancakes; GF banana poppyseed macadamia nut bread )
attended thereapy to suss out the reason behind my relationship patterns
figured out above reasoning; reconciling and learning about family paradigms
bought 3 pairs of boots, 2 coats, 2 pairs of socks and 1 rug
paid of 90% of my debt
found my new home!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I will tell you the story of how it came to be in my next post. Stay tuned!
spent hundreds of hours on Craiglist, searching for a new home
watched over a dozen movies
caught up on the Jersey Shore season 1 (I'll explain that one later. Trust me I am justified)
read 5 books
completed two hikes
cooked 5 new dishes (Morrocan Meatball, Squash, Chard Stew; Italian Meatsauce with GF noodles and Zucchini noodles, chicken meatball veggie soup; chicken veggie chili, GF pumpkin coconut pancakes; GF banana poppyseed macadamia nut bread )
attended thereapy to suss out the reason behind my relationship patterns
figured out above reasoning; reconciling and learning about family paradigms
bought 3 pairs of boots, 2 coats, 2 pairs of socks and 1 rug
paid of 90% of my debt
found my new home!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I will tell you the story of how it came to be in my next post. Stay tuned!
Friday, September 24, 2010
Forgotten
"There is nothing worse, is there," she said, "than a past that has never been fully dealt with. One can convince oneself that it is all safely in the past and forgotten about, but the very fact we can tell ourselves it is forgotten proves that it is not."
Mary Balogh from "Simply Magic"
Mary Balogh from "Simply Magic"
Monday, September 20, 2010
for reference later on....
"Trust In Yourself"
I believe all of us have a built-in compass to help us get to whatever we desire to go. Don't forget to trust that compass, and refer to it often, for with that trusting will come the strength to bear whatever life deals you.
Don't get led astray. Ask your heart for the truth, and it will come with the answer and the good judgment to make the decisions you need to make. Love everyone, and don't question Love's reception. Do the best you can. Live each day as it comes.We can't get ahead of ourselves anyway.
Remember: just as you have questions now, somewhere inside you, and down the road, there will be better answers and workable solutions. It takes patience and trust to get through life's changes when you are trying to reach goals, solve problems, and make dreams come true. Though at times it may seem more than you can take, I know you are strong, and you can handle whatever comes your way. Trust in yourself.
-Donna Fargo
I believe all of us have a built-in compass to help us get to whatever we desire to go. Don't forget to trust that compass, and refer to it often, for with that trusting will come the strength to bear whatever life deals you.
Don't get led astray. Ask your heart for the truth, and it will come with the answer and the good judgment to make the decisions you need to make. Love everyone, and don't question Love's reception. Do the best you can. Live each day as it comes.We can't get ahead of ourselves anyway.
Remember: just as you have questions now, somewhere inside you, and down the road, there will be better answers and workable solutions. It takes patience and trust to get through life's changes when you are trying to reach goals, solve problems, and make dreams come true. Though at times it may seem more than you can take, I know you are strong, and you can handle whatever comes your way. Trust in yourself.
-Donna Fargo
Friday, September 17, 2010
Stirred up
Yesterday was one of the worst days I have had in a really long time.
I decided to see my ex, and in fact over the last two weeks we had dinner together.
I went and saw his new (old) house the other night. (no funny business)
I left incredibly sad.
It is the perfect house for him- so much potential. I am sad to know I won't ever get to see how it turns out.
We love each other, we miss each other, but there are still barriers that keep us a part.
My faith has been tested again, and I am even a little angry with the Guy Upstairs- why bring him back into my life, only to show me all that I cannot have? Why taunt me?
Why stir up all those feelings again?
Why after 3 years, after all the work I have done to move on, am I still in love with this man who is so wrapped up in fear he's scared to be with me again?
Why couldn't we do the work together to move forward into something new and joy-based?
I know- you all out there have your opinions:
He's not good enough for you.
He's just a fuck up who will never get his shit together.
He is a fool.
He's a nice guy who is just really screwed up in his heart and head.
You deserve better.
Blah, blah, blah.
Tell it to my heart- it doesn't hear those opinions when we look at each other and that deep connection zings through us. Those opinions do not comfort me, because no one knows us the way we do. He is the only guy who has ever GOTTEN me. He gets me and I get him. That is a rarity- and that is the thing I mourn. When you meet someone you fall in love with who gets you- its hard to let that go.
I don't know how to turn off the love, the connection or the hope. I am fighting an internal battle with myself about what to do. Therapy is scheduled for next week. Until then everything is hanging in limbo- my heart, my head, my home even.
This is a really shitty time in my life and I am not having fun.
I decided to see my ex, and in fact over the last two weeks we had dinner together.
I went and saw his new (old) house the other night. (no funny business)
I left incredibly sad.
It is the perfect house for him- so much potential. I am sad to know I won't ever get to see how it turns out.
We love each other, we miss each other, but there are still barriers that keep us a part.
My faith has been tested again, and I am even a little angry with the Guy Upstairs- why bring him back into my life, only to show me all that I cannot have? Why taunt me?
Why stir up all those feelings again?
Why after 3 years, after all the work I have done to move on, am I still in love with this man who is so wrapped up in fear he's scared to be with me again?
Why couldn't we do the work together to move forward into something new and joy-based?
I know- you all out there have your opinions:
He's not good enough for you.
He's just a fuck up who will never get his shit together.
He is a fool.
He's a nice guy who is just really screwed up in his heart and head.
You deserve better.
Blah, blah, blah.
Tell it to my heart- it doesn't hear those opinions when we look at each other and that deep connection zings through us. Those opinions do not comfort me, because no one knows us the way we do. He is the only guy who has ever GOTTEN me. He gets me and I get him. That is a rarity- and that is the thing I mourn. When you meet someone you fall in love with who gets you- its hard to let that go.
I don't know how to turn off the love, the connection or the hope. I am fighting an internal battle with myself about what to do. Therapy is scheduled for next week. Until then everything is hanging in limbo- my heart, my head, my home even.
This is a really shitty time in my life and I am not having fun.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Couch Surfing Through the Static
All moved out.
Thank God.
It's liberating and disorienting to not be in my own space. I am so very thankful for my brother's generosity.
Ellie is holding up well- she's definitely jarred by all of the change. She deals with it by sleeping.
A lot.
One foot in front of the other, I am content just to show up for the day's work- and all that that may be.
Sometimes it take us back to places, only to move forward.
I am currently lost in translation. I am trying to read the pictures through the static. That sometimes requires extra strength vision.
And in the end, we choose what we choose. We see what we see. We do what we do.
And this is it- this is my life. I make it all that it will be by the choices I make.
I trust in that. Don't you?
For me at present, the process consists of sorting through all of the emotions bubbling up after uprooting myself. It's real funny the things that life brings. Real funny. Ha ha...
I am excited to be here right now. *smile* I often state that I am a believer of greater possibilities. It feels so delicious to be living that statement out loud- louder than I ever have before.
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Giving Up The Ghost
2 more days and I will be moved out.
There have been some miraculous happenings in the last couple of weeks.
Working on giving up the ghosts that live in my apartment (literally), in my head, and in my heart.
The ex boyfriend did write me, today actually.
I wasn't all that surprised, and then I was surprised. I don't know if that makes enough sense.
It wasn't the letter I had been waiting for, but then it was I suppose. One last push, confirming to the Universe that yes, I am really ready to move on into something different.
Whatever that looks like.
Saying that, to the ghosts, isn't always easy.
And you never are totally 100% sure that they get the message.
But they must.
Love lives on in the spaces we work in, long after we have left them.
Little points of light to remind us where we have been, and compel us forward into the unknown.
About a week ago, I found the perfect apartment. The one I said I wanted, where I wanted, with everything I wanted. 2 hours before I was to meet the landlady to see it, she called me. " I just rented it.", she told me.
Damn.
I guess it wasn't the right one.
I wasn't upset, because I know a miracle had just happened.
What I asked for exists.
It just wasn't the right time.
Knowing that, shifted something in me. It opened me up the the possibility that I could have what I deeply desire. It means I don't have to settle.
It means that as usual, it comes down to timing.
And faith.
There have been some miraculous happenings in the last couple of weeks.
Working on giving up the ghosts that live in my apartment (literally), in my head, and in my heart.
The ex boyfriend did write me, today actually.
I wasn't all that surprised, and then I was surprised. I don't know if that makes enough sense.
It wasn't the letter I had been waiting for, but then it was I suppose. One last push, confirming to the Universe that yes, I am really ready to move on into something different.
Whatever that looks like.
Saying that, to the ghosts, isn't always easy.
And you never are totally 100% sure that they get the message.
But they must.
Love lives on in the spaces we work in, long after we have left them.
Little points of light to remind us where we have been, and compel us forward into the unknown.
About a week ago, I found the perfect apartment. The one I said I wanted, where I wanted, with everything I wanted. 2 hours before I was to meet the landlady to see it, she called me. " I just rented it.", she told me.
Damn.
I guess it wasn't the right one.
I wasn't upset, because I know a miracle had just happened.
What I asked for exists.
It just wasn't the right time.
Knowing that, shifted something in me. It opened me up the the possibility that I could have what I deeply desire. It means I don't have to settle.
It means that as usual, it comes down to timing.
And faith.
Sunday, August 15, 2010
I'm Just Going to Say It
Sometimes I miss him.
Its this sad, gripping ache that shows up every now and again. It catches me at vulnerable times in my life now.
In dreams, where his eyes bore deep into mine- the place we can only be connected now- we say the things we feel without words.
Haunting each other as we move through the world.
It's a point of frustration for me.
Obviously, if we had fit together as well as is required of a committed relationship, we'd be together now.
While many things clicked and felt so right, the few things that didn't were/ are important enough to keep me from calling him now.
A phone number that only lives inside my head.
No letters to send him, because words fall short and empty now. They get me nowhere.
Sometimes I hate myself for thinking about him everyday. I do though. I miss him and parts of us, every single day. I work extra hard to remind myself then, of all of the things I don't miss. The struggles, the tears, the supreme frustration of losing myself and him.
I wonder if it will always be this way.
Will I ever meet another who affects me as deeply- someone who pales his memory in comparison?
It will be 3 years in next month, since we broke up so tragically. We tried again last year and it didn't get very far, much to my dismay, even going at a slower, wiser pace. I broke things off for good last August.
Haven't seen or heard from him since then.
I told him I did not want to stay in contact with him.
I felt that if he wasn't able to man up and choose me, then he didn't deserve me in any capacity.
I know that's right.
But you know what?
There is a part of me that waits for him...
to write the letter, to make the call.
But a broken man who struggles to make himself whole won't be writing or calling me anytime soon.
I know that.
I wait for him and the man who might come along to pick up where he left off.
*sigh*
Not sure which train will come first, if at all.
Its this sad, gripping ache that shows up every now and again. It catches me at vulnerable times in my life now.
In dreams, where his eyes bore deep into mine- the place we can only be connected now- we say the things we feel without words.
Haunting each other as we move through the world.
It's a point of frustration for me.
Obviously, if we had fit together as well as is required of a committed relationship, we'd be together now.
While many things clicked and felt so right, the few things that didn't were/ are important enough to keep me from calling him now.
A phone number that only lives inside my head.
No letters to send him, because words fall short and empty now. They get me nowhere.
Sometimes I hate myself for thinking about him everyday. I do though. I miss him and parts of us, every single day. I work extra hard to remind myself then, of all of the things I don't miss. The struggles, the tears, the supreme frustration of losing myself and him.
I wonder if it will always be this way.
Will I ever meet another who affects me as deeply- someone who pales his memory in comparison?
It will be 3 years in next month, since we broke up so tragically. We tried again last year and it didn't get very far, much to my dismay, even going at a slower, wiser pace. I broke things off for good last August.
Haven't seen or heard from him since then.
I told him I did not want to stay in contact with him.
I felt that if he wasn't able to man up and choose me, then he didn't deserve me in any capacity.
I know that's right.
But you know what?
There is a part of me that waits for him...
to write the letter, to make the call.
But a broken man who struggles to make himself whole won't be writing or calling me anytime soon.
I know that.
I wait for him and the man who might come along to pick up where he left off.
*sigh*
Not sure which train will come first, if at all.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Moving On
Well, after almost 3 years, I am leaving the Boundary behind.
My cozy little home on Boundary Street is now filled with boxes of my belongings. The walls hold my memories.
Thinking back to who I was when I moved in here, October 15, 2007 astonishes me now. I had just literally gone through the most devastating break-up of my life, a mere week before. I had permanently taken the job at the Cedar Hills Store. And I was on my own for the first time in 8 years. I was lonely, depressed, heartbroken and so unsure of who I was in those moments, feeling like a sad shell of a once vibrant person. I hunkered down in my little place, slowly putting myself back together.
My eyes get a little misty when I think about my impending last day here,(Aug. 31). I feel so different. I feel evolved. I am grateful for this place, and what it allowed me to discover and do for myself. There was so much fun had here! Cozy nights in, chatting over dinner with friends, a few Girl's Nights. Many BBQ's- the Summers were properly Seized! And of course, the final hurrah last month- the outdoor viewing of the Big Lewboski with 25 of my awesome friends!
Memories like these are forever in my heart, and warm it with joy.
snowstorm hell Dec 2008
Where I am moving on to from here, I haven't a clue. I will be putting all of my things in storage for the better part of Sept, and staying with my brother on his couch. Yes- Ellie is coming too. Then we will be house sitting for a friend until mid-September when it is my wish, we shall then move into our perfect apartment! Trusting in the Universe is what I am doing- with a easy faith. I found this place, didn't I, just hours after splitting with my ex. I am confident that when the time is right- my new home will find me.
Until then, I am packing things up, cleaning up, and happily preparing to move on. I am ready to choose a new boundary- widening the scope and expanding my view. Time to let some new people, places and things into my life. Hold on Ellie- things are going to speed up pretty fast now.....Another exciting adventure awaits just around the bend....
Thursday, July 1, 2010
What if there isn't?
It's a slump.
A dumpy slump I am in.
I'm stuck.
Restless.
Hopeless.
UGH.
To the outside world, I know I mostly come off as the optimistic princess of all situations. And yeah- it's true I am naturally a "half-full type.
But lately I am beginning to question things that I have always believed to be true....
Now before I go any further, let me say this: I get that this thing called life is like a big play- a personal production for each of us. I get that beliefs= illusion. I get that there is no one person will complete me or my life. I know that I iwll never find happiness outside of myself. I know that we come into this world alone, and we leave it as such. I know that we create relationships to better know who we are. I know that at the heart of every question, love is the answer.
All of that knowledge has still not blocked out the few tiny, fear-based thoughts I have been processing the last couple of weeks.
I say all the time, that there is a lid for every pot. I say it to other people, mostly to comfort them as well as myself. How do I know that is true? I certainly haven't met my lid yet. What if it never happens for me? And yet I still tell people not to give up, to continue to put yourself out there. That love will find you (and me). That we don't have to be alone. That we don't have to settle for relationships that do not fit who we are. What if some of us are only meant to be single for the rest of our lives???
I am in my thirties now, and wow. I got to say, the pressure is beginning to be felt. All of my friends are coupling off and having babies and making their own little countries of twos and threes... More and more I think, yeah- I want to build that with a partner! I would like ot share my life with someone. " But how? Where does a 30 something year old woman meet her lid? The bar scene is stale and very undesirable. All of my friends don't have any single guy friends they would fix me up with. I have had little luck with online dating. And don't even get me started on how challenging it is to date and be psychic....I feel like the odds are stacked against me. That my 40 extra pounds are keeping me from meeting "him". Yes- I admit it- there is a part of my brain that thinks that if my body looked differently, then the kind of man I would want to date, would be beating down the door to take me out.
But maybe not.
Maybe the extra weight I carry, my intuitive abilities, and my optimism are the things that will help me know the man when I see him. I don't know. I feel so damn stuck. Like my whole f'n life has been like "Ground Hog Day". Every day its the same thing. Get up. Go to work. Come home. Go to bed. I have spent so much time alone in my life, that I am bored of it. Stuck in this body that never feels like it will change no matter how many times I go running or carbs I avoid. Fuck it. Just fuck it.
I also know that I am in charge of my own life. I make things happen. I make it what I want to be (and somewhere a long the way I got the message that this was the life I wanted for myself...) But what if I continue to make shifts and choices and still nothing changes? What if I stay stuck for always? Working a job I am bored with, too scared and overwhelmed to live creatively? Never meeting a man I could really let myself open up to possibilities with???? That is a sad, scary thought.
Ugh......
Maybe I should just get over it and take myself to breakfast. It's just the PMS talking.....
A dumpy slump I am in.
I'm stuck.
Restless.
Hopeless.
UGH.
To the outside world, I know I mostly come off as the optimistic princess of all situations. And yeah- it's true I am naturally a "half-full type.
But lately I am beginning to question things that I have always believed to be true....
Now before I go any further, let me say this: I get that this thing called life is like a big play- a personal production for each of us. I get that beliefs= illusion. I get that there is no one person will complete me or my life. I know that I iwll never find happiness outside of myself. I know that we come into this world alone, and we leave it as such. I know that we create relationships to better know who we are. I know that at the heart of every question, love is the answer.
All of that knowledge has still not blocked out the few tiny, fear-based thoughts I have been processing the last couple of weeks.
I say all the time, that there is a lid for every pot. I say it to other people, mostly to comfort them as well as myself. How do I know that is true? I certainly haven't met my lid yet. What if it never happens for me? And yet I still tell people not to give up, to continue to put yourself out there. That love will find you (and me). That we don't have to be alone. That we don't have to settle for relationships that do not fit who we are. What if some of us are only meant to be single for the rest of our lives???
I am in my thirties now, and wow. I got to say, the pressure is beginning to be felt. All of my friends are coupling off and having babies and making their own little countries of twos and threes... More and more I think, yeah- I want to build that with a partner! I would like ot share my life with someone. " But how? Where does a 30 something year old woman meet her lid? The bar scene is stale and very undesirable. All of my friends don't have any single guy friends they would fix me up with. I have had little luck with online dating. And don't even get me started on how challenging it is to date and be psychic....I feel like the odds are stacked against me. That my 40 extra pounds are keeping me from meeting "him". Yes- I admit it- there is a part of my brain that thinks that if my body looked differently, then the kind of man I would want to date, would be beating down the door to take me out.
But maybe not.
Maybe the extra weight I carry, my intuitive abilities, and my optimism are the things that will help me know the man when I see him. I don't know. I feel so damn stuck. Like my whole f'n life has been like "Ground Hog Day". Every day its the same thing. Get up. Go to work. Come home. Go to bed. I have spent so much time alone in my life, that I am bored of it. Stuck in this body that never feels like it will change no matter how many times I go running or carbs I avoid. Fuck it. Just fuck it.
I also know that I am in charge of my own life. I make things happen. I make it what I want to be (and somewhere a long the way I got the message that this was the life I wanted for myself...) But what if I continue to make shifts and choices and still nothing changes? What if I stay stuck for always? Working a job I am bored with, too scared and overwhelmed to live creatively? Never meeting a man I could really let myself open up to possibilities with???? That is a sad, scary thought.
Ugh......
Maybe I should just get over it and take myself to breakfast. It's just the PMS talking.....
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Quasi- Insomnia
It's 12:40am.
I went to bed at 11.
Tossed and turned.
Damn full moon coming always messes with my sleep patterns the week of.
ANd this one promises to be a doozy on Saturday night, as its also a lunar eclipse.....
Here are some random thoughts in my head at present:
Cramps.
Lovely.
My skin is sticky form bug spray. After my walk tonight, I laid ou tin the back yard with Ellie- reading and enjoying this space. Mosquito bites on my back, feet...feels like I was ambushed out there!
The house is selling.
I met the new owners on Tuesday. I have until July 18 to enjoy my home as my own. I have decided to move as early as August or as late as the end of September.
On Memorial day weekend, I started "Seize the Summer BBQ series- you remember- my weekly BBQ's to enabling the maximizing of summer moments to be seized in my awesome yard.( It has been so much fun!)
Before my new landlords take possession.
Its the end of an era. Kinda sad.
And at the same time, I am reflecting on and recognizing all of the growth that has taken place since my move here. When I arrived on Boundary Street, my intentions were to hunker down and heal after the epic break-up with the ex. And I have done that. I feel ready to move on and expand into a new adventure.
Feels like something is cookin, something new and different is about to make impact on my world. But really it's so hard to know if the intuitions I get about my own life are solid.
Time will tell.
Until then- I am up watching Chelsea Lately, while Ellie the wonder cat, snores away blissfully in bed.
Oh look- Chelsea is talking about giant "special" cupcakes....right up my alley....;)
I went to bed at 11.
Tossed and turned.
Damn full moon coming always messes with my sleep patterns the week of.
ANd this one promises to be a doozy on Saturday night, as its also a lunar eclipse.....
Here are some random thoughts in my head at present:
Cramps.
Lovely.
My skin is sticky form bug spray. After my walk tonight, I laid ou tin the back yard with Ellie- reading and enjoying this space. Mosquito bites on my back, feet...feels like I was ambushed out there!
The house is selling.
I met the new owners on Tuesday. I have until July 18 to enjoy my home as my own. I have decided to move as early as August or as late as the end of September.
On Memorial day weekend, I started "Seize the Summer BBQ series- you remember- my weekly BBQ's to enabling the maximizing of summer moments to be seized in my awesome yard.( It has been so much fun!)
Before my new landlords take possession.
Its the end of an era. Kinda sad.
And at the same time, I am reflecting on and recognizing all of the growth that has taken place since my move here. When I arrived on Boundary Street, my intentions were to hunker down and heal after the epic break-up with the ex. And I have done that. I feel ready to move on and expand into a new adventure.
Feels like something is cookin, something new and different is about to make impact on my world. But really it's so hard to know if the intuitions I get about my own life are solid.
Time will tell.
Until then- I am up watching Chelsea Lately, while Ellie the wonder cat, snores away blissfully in bed.
Oh look- Chelsea is talking about giant "special" cupcakes....right up my alley....;)
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Strawberry Shortcake
Oh Hello!
I am so sorry it's been too long since my last post.
Lost of crafty-ness going on between wedding meetings, work,bbq's and cleaning up after myself.
And also the making of Strawberry costumes.
At my place of employment, we had our first annual Strawberry Festival, to herald the arrival of our much coveted Oregon Hood berries. These berries are amazing. Unlike what the world is used to in regards to strawberry normalcy. They are small and powerful. Dense and sweet.
Hey.. kinda like me!
Costumes were encouraged and you know I was all to happy to oblige!
In 48 hours I whipped this up, using components from the famous cupcake costume and creating some new pieces. All berries were handmade. And yes, even that awesome head piece.
Our next festival is for the celebration of stone fruit, July. You know- peaches, plums, cherries.. etc. And yes- my costume is already in the works!
Sunday, May 9, 2010
This is It.
Michael Jackson showed up in my mailbox this week.
Next month marks a year since he crossed over into the Great Mysterious Other Side.
And as I sat there watching, listening, soaking it all in, I was overwhelmed by it all.
This was a great man- personal demons and quirks aside- Michael was plugged in.
His creativity inspires me. His capacity for love is humbling and contagious.
I feel like I know him better for the journey I have now shared with him. I feel sad that he is no longer in the human world. The music seems bittersweet- so beautiful and whistful. He gave so much and I long for more.
Michael- thank you for sharing your creative gifts and love with this world. I admire and deeply respect your vision, your drive to be true to who you were, and the joy from which you created and shared. We are all better people for it. Your art marches on in the hearts of all those who have felt the magic of you.
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Obsessed
...with aprartment hunting.
Now that I have fully embraced the idea of leaving my current place of residence for another upgraded space, I cannot stop trolling the apartment listings on Craig's List. I am not quite ready to move- I may not move as early as July or into the fall. Fortunately for me, at this point in time, I do have the luxury of time. Now is the time to research what is possible for me.
And there have been a few close hits.
Based on what I now know about living on my own, here are the list of requirements for my next home:
dishwasher
washer and dryer
more than one closet
abundant storage and cabinet space
private patio/ yard area, with the ability to host BBQ consistently and without much disruption to my neighbors
cat friendly
in SW Portland, preferably in Multnomah county
quiet neighborhood
park-like setting
separate dining area
plenty of counter space in bathroom and kitchen
lots of windows to allow natural lighting
energy efficient
Bonus* painting of walls allowed*
bed is acessible on all sides in master bedroom
bonus*extra room to be used as studio/office/guest room*
bonus* owner pays water, sewer, garbage*
cable/ high speed internet ready
All for the great price of $600 - $750.
There ya go Universe. I am not asking for the world, only exactly what I want. I will now take my number, and wait patiently in line to be served.
Thank you.
Now that I have fully embraced the idea of leaving my current place of residence for another upgraded space, I cannot stop trolling the apartment listings on Craig's List. I am not quite ready to move- I may not move as early as July or into the fall. Fortunately for me, at this point in time, I do have the luxury of time. Now is the time to research what is possible for me.
And there have been a few close hits.
Based on what I now know about living on my own, here are the list of requirements for my next home:
dishwasher
washer and dryer
more than one closet
abundant storage and cabinet space
private patio/ yard area, with the ability to host BBQ consistently and without much disruption to my neighbors
cat friendly
in SW Portland, preferably in Multnomah county
quiet neighborhood
park-like setting
separate dining area
plenty of counter space in bathroom and kitchen
lots of windows to allow natural lighting
energy efficient
Bonus* painting of walls allowed*
bed is acessible on all sides in master bedroom
bonus*extra room to be used as studio/office/guest room*
bonus* owner pays water, sewer, garbage*
cable/ high speed internet ready
All for the great price of $600 - $750.
There ya go Universe. I am not asking for the world, only exactly what I want. I will now take my number, and wait patiently in line to be served.
Thank you.
Friday, April 16, 2010
comfort food
When I am not feeling well I want few things, and those few things consist of the following:
tea
hot chocolate with whipped cream
chocolate pudding and jello with Cool Whip (from when my friend Athena brought me a weeks worth of pudding and jello to live on, the week I had my wisdom teeth out, 11 years ago. I especially love chocolate pudding topped and jello topped with Cool Whip. Of course, now, I never eat this. And when I do, its organic dairy free chocolate pudding or vegetarian jello with real whipped cream. I know- it makes no sense. But there ya go. )
macaroni and cheese (gourmet or boxed. When I first moved out, my then roommate and friend Malinda and I uses to have "Mac-n-Cheese Parties late at night. We'd buy a couple of different types- cartoon charcters, spiral, elbow and mix them together. Also, when I baby sat my brothers during summer vacation, in my teenage years, I would make a daily meal of mac-n-cheese and kool aid. Those things just go together. Processed crap at it's finest!)
eggs on toast ( this consists of 2 eggs and two pieces of spelt bread. Fry the eggs, butter the toast salt and pepper to taste. Add a cup of coffee and it makes it better. my first love used to make this for me, for breakfast often. I equate it with love. So I make it for myself when I am needing to feel a little love for myself.)
oranges (in my childhood, my brother and I had a particularily bad bout of the flu. My mom had brought home a big bag of oranges and we devoured them all. Guess we needed the vitamin C and the liquid...)
homeade chocolate chip cookies (I prefer warm from the oven, lots of brown sugar, butter and vanilla, milk chocolate chips and walnuts and big glass of milk. I used to make an amazing Chocolate chip cookie once upon a time. But I have since stopped making them years ago, because if I make them- I will eat them all! I also really love a warm Mrs. Field's cookie with macadamia nuts, from the mall. Actually I think they only have one location left at Clackamas town center...though it might be gone now...)
Since I stayed home today, not feeling well, I watched movies, made eggs on toast, had an orange. It made me feel a little better, but damn, I am craving a chocolate chip cookie something fierce. Hmmmmm......
tea
hot chocolate with whipped cream
chocolate pudding and jello with Cool Whip (from when my friend Athena brought me a weeks worth of pudding and jello to live on, the week I had my wisdom teeth out, 11 years ago. I especially love chocolate pudding topped and jello topped with Cool Whip. Of course, now, I never eat this. And when I do, its organic dairy free chocolate pudding or vegetarian jello with real whipped cream. I know- it makes no sense. But there ya go. )
macaroni and cheese (gourmet or boxed. When I first moved out, my then roommate and friend Malinda and I uses to have "Mac-n-Cheese Parties late at night. We'd buy a couple of different types- cartoon charcters, spiral, elbow and mix them together. Also, when I baby sat my brothers during summer vacation, in my teenage years, I would make a daily meal of mac-n-cheese and kool aid. Those things just go together. Processed crap at it's finest!)
eggs on toast ( this consists of 2 eggs and two pieces of spelt bread. Fry the eggs, butter the toast salt and pepper to taste. Add a cup of coffee and it makes it better. my first love used to make this for me, for breakfast often. I equate it with love. So I make it for myself when I am needing to feel a little love for myself.)
oranges (in my childhood, my brother and I had a particularily bad bout of the flu. My mom had brought home a big bag of oranges and we devoured them all. Guess we needed the vitamin C and the liquid...)
homeade chocolate chip cookies (I prefer warm from the oven, lots of brown sugar, butter and vanilla, milk chocolate chips and walnuts and big glass of milk. I used to make an amazing Chocolate chip cookie once upon a time. But I have since stopped making them years ago, because if I make them- I will eat them all! I also really love a warm Mrs. Field's cookie with macadamia nuts, from the mall. Actually I think they only have one location left at Clackamas town center...though it might be gone now...)
Since I stayed home today, not feeling well, I watched movies, made eggs on toast, had an orange. It made me feel a little better, but damn, I am craving a chocolate chip cookie something fierce. Hmmmmm......
From Joy
“Women are the harshest critics of other women. There needs to be a greater acceptance individually and collectively or nothing’s ever going to change. You’ll never be thin enough, blonde enough, black enough. So enough is enough.” ~ Joy Bryant
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
more than meets the eye, like transformers, except not
there is more to me than meets the eye.
more than meets my eye.
I am consistently, and pleasantly pleased at the discoveries I make about myself.
My perception is shifting and expanding and moving into unknown territory.
That is exciting.
more than meets my eye.
I am consistently, and pleasantly pleased at the discoveries I make about myself.
My perception is shifting and expanding and moving into unknown territory.
That is exciting.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
inspiration peeking through, in slivers
Yes, it is.
Just had lunch here at my job". i brought homeade chicken soup and paired it with 2 pieces of spelt/millet bread.
Delish.
As I was slurping up my soup, I was reading some entries from other blogs, on my Google Reader. I had a sliver of a thought creep in...
What am I most looking forward to? I am looking forward to Summer! Last Summer, I started a series of random BBQ's, called " Sieze the Summer!" What this meant for me, was sharing my beautiful back yard with random friends every week. I choose a different day every week so that everyone invited could make it to at least one gathering. It was a successful sensation. People have already started asking me when I am starting this year.
As excited as I am to begin the planning of my Summer celebrations, I am blocked my the uncertainty of whether or not I will still be in my current residence then. The landlords are divorcing and subsequently, selling the property. They have promised me that if it doesn't sell by June, they will take it off the market and keep it. Ideally, we all want the new owner to want to keep me on as the happy renter I am. That being said, I am also embracing the possibility of being open to a move that is for my highest good. Maybe I move to a place, dare I say it and work to imagine it, but BETTER
So as I meditate on that, I am also excited about:
painting all of my outdoor furniture in bright, fun colors.
Sewing cloth napkins, and stamping them with fun summer sayings.
Sewing cute banners.
Stringing twinkling white icicle lights around the parameter of the patio roof. Procuring colorful lanterns for the tables.
Finding a couple of large easels to hold dry erase boards for Pictionary.
Loading up my ipod with more fun, relaxed BBQ mood music.
making a different Gluten Free cupcake every week. (Yum!)
Researching summer salads and side dishes.
Stalking up on flatware.
Cruising the ads for more chairs on Craig's list.
June can't get here fast enough....
Just had lunch here at my job". i brought homeade chicken soup and paired it with 2 pieces of spelt/millet bread.
Delish.
As I was slurping up my soup, I was reading some entries from other blogs, on my Google Reader. I had a sliver of a thought creep in...
What am I most looking forward to? I am looking forward to Summer! Last Summer, I started a series of random BBQ's, called " Sieze the Summer!" What this meant for me, was sharing my beautiful back yard with random friends every week. I choose a different day every week so that everyone invited could make it to at least one gathering. It was a successful sensation. People have already started asking me when I am starting this year.
As excited as I am to begin the planning of my Summer celebrations, I am blocked my the uncertainty of whether or not I will still be in my current residence then. The landlords are divorcing and subsequently, selling the property. They have promised me that if it doesn't sell by June, they will take it off the market and keep it. Ideally, we all want the new owner to want to keep me on as the happy renter I am. That being said, I am also embracing the possibility of being open to a move that is for my highest good. Maybe I move to a place, dare I say it and work to imagine it, but BETTER
So as I meditate on that, I am also excited about:
painting all of my outdoor furniture in bright, fun colors.
Sewing cloth napkins, and stamping them with fun summer sayings.
Sewing cute banners.
Stringing twinkling white icicle lights around the parameter of the patio roof. Procuring colorful lanterns for the tables.
Finding a couple of large easels to hold dry erase boards for Pictionary.
Loading up my ipod with more fun, relaxed BBQ mood music.
making a different Gluten Free cupcake every week. (Yum!)
Researching summer salads and side dishes.
Stalking up on flatware.
Cruising the ads for more chairs on Craig's list.
June can't get here fast enough....
Saturday, April 10, 2010
stuck in the doldrums
I feel stuck in the doldrums of my life.
Where do I shoot my arrows of intention?
Crap.
Want a new job, and I want to work for myself. In a warm, sunny, perhaps tropical locale.
Want to drop this 45 pounds.
Want to get IT together.
Be debt free.
Travel the world.
Not work for the man.
Be with THE man.
Hmph.
*sigh*..................
Where do I shoot my arrows of intention?
Crap.
Want a new job, and I want to work for myself. In a warm, sunny, perhaps tropical locale.
Want to drop this 45 pounds.
Want to get IT together.
Be debt free.
Travel the world.
Not work for the man.
Be with THE man.
Hmph.
*sigh*..................
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
groceries on hiatus
I work in a grocery store and therefore I strongly dislike shopping for grocereies.
Someday, I'd love to know what it feels like to shop like a civilian at my place of work....
So...what's for dinner?
Well, I have suddenly taken a fancy to Indian food (is that easy to learn to cook?) and had that for lunch. I was too tired at the end of my shift to a.)think and b.)shop. So the fridge is pretty empty, since before leaving for Mexico. Every evening I swear I will go home and pour over recipes and make a menu plan and a list to shop from.
Does it happen?
Nope.
Hmmmm. Someday when I have made it big, I shall hire a cook who actually LOVES to cook. Then I won't have to cook or shop. Just enjoy.
Anyways...
Tonight, it's TJ dark chocolate with almonds (4 squares) and a TJ raspberry cream bar. And maybe some lime chili peanuts. And tea. Earl gray.
The life of a bachelorette......
Someday, I'd love to know what it feels like to shop like a civilian at my place of work....
So...what's for dinner?
Well, I have suddenly taken a fancy to Indian food (is that easy to learn to cook?) and had that for lunch. I was too tired at the end of my shift to a.)think and b.)shop. So the fridge is pretty empty, since before leaving for Mexico. Every evening I swear I will go home and pour over recipes and make a menu plan and a list to shop from.
Does it happen?
Nope.
Hmmmm. Someday when I have made it big, I shall hire a cook who actually LOVES to cook. Then I won't have to cook or shop. Just enjoy.
Anyways...
Tonight, it's TJ dark chocolate with almonds (4 squares) and a TJ raspberry cream bar. And maybe some lime chili peanuts. And tea. Earl gray.
The life of a bachelorette......
I don't Wanna
Its Wednesday.
Which means it is " Monday".
Back to work.
Unfortunately, I have almost completely re-assimilated back into my old life, thankfully with some new insight.
But...
There is a part of me that worries I will back slide into...
not loving my body again. Doing nothing.
And I am frustrated that I didn't do much of anything on my days off, though I understand that my brain needed the time to re-adjust slowly. with all of the coming and going I do, I have to remind myself how important and necessary it is for me to do nothing. I let myself take a delicious thirty minute nap with Ellie yesterday and it was lovely. I didn't do much after that, except bake for my brother. Now, with about 30 minutes to spare before I need to get ready for work, I want to:
finish putting away the laundry
go through the pile of crap that has accumulated on my desk
vacuum
do the dishes*
hem that skirt hanging on the back of my door
write a letter
read book
plan my next vacation to Bali, next March
Figures. Inspiration is elusive until there is a fire under my ass to be somewhere other than home....
Which means it is " Monday".
Back to work.
Unfortunately, I have almost completely re-assimilated back into my old life, thankfully with some new insight.
But...
There is a part of me that worries I will back slide into...
not loving my body again. Doing nothing.
And I am frustrated that I didn't do much of anything on my days off, though I understand that my brain needed the time to re-adjust slowly. with all of the coming and going I do, I have to remind myself how important and necessary it is for me to do nothing. I let myself take a delicious thirty minute nap with Ellie yesterday and it was lovely. I didn't do much after that, except bake for my brother. Now, with about 30 minutes to spare before I need to get ready for work, I want to:
finish putting away the laundry
go through the pile of crap that has accumulated on my desk
vacuum
do the dishes*
hem that skirt hanging on the back of my door
write a letter
read book
plan my next vacation to Bali, next March
Figures. Inspiration is elusive until there is a fire under my ass to be somewhere other than home....
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Saddle Up
"So, how's yer love life? Have you found him yet?"
" Great. Nope. Not yet."
"Why do you think that is- a fabulous, sexy, beautiful, smart, single woman like you, on the slow track to getting hitched and settled?"
Well... because I haven't found me yet, totally. And when I do find me- all of me and embrace that in the beauty of deep acceptance, and fall madly crazy in love with me - I plan to get hitched to myself. And get settled into my life.
He can show up any time he likes and I ''ll be glad to saddle up and share the love. Truly, madly, deeply."
" Great. Nope. Not yet."
"Why do you think that is- a fabulous, sexy, beautiful, smart, single woman like you, on the slow track to getting hitched and settled?"
Well... because I haven't found me yet, totally. And when I do find me- all of me and embrace that in the beauty of deep acceptance, and fall madly crazy in love with me - I plan to get hitched to myself. And get settled into my life.
He can show up any time he likes and I ''ll be glad to saddle up and share the love. Truly, madly, deeply."
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Don't settle
Come on girls
Do you believe in love?
'Cause I got something to say about it
And it goes something like this
Don't go for second best baby
Put your love to the test
You know, you know, you've got to
Make him express how he feels
And maybe then you'll know your love is real
You don't need diamond rings
Or eighteen karat gold
Fancy cars that go very fast
You know they never last, no, no
What you need is a big strong hand
To lift you to your higher ground
Make you feel like a queen on a throne
Make him love you till you can't come down
(You'll never come down)
Long stem roses are the way to your heart
But he needs to start with your head
Satin sheets are very romantic
What happens when you're not in bed
You deserve the best in life
So if the time isn't right then move on
Second best is never enough
You'll do much better baby on your own
(Baby on your own)
Express yourself
(You've got to make him)
Express himself
Hey, hey, hey, hey
So if you want it right now, make him show you how
Express what he's got, oh baby ready or not
And when you're gone he might regret it
Think about the love he once had
Try to carry on, but he just won't get it
He'll be back on his knees
To express himself
(You've got to make him)
Express himself
Hey hey
What you need is a big strong hand
To lift you to your higher ground
Make you feel like a queen on a throne
Make him love you till you can't come down
(You'll never come down)
So please
Express yourself
(You've got to make him)
Express himself
Hey, hey, hey, hey
So if you want it right now, make him show you how
Express what he's got, oh baby ready or not
Express yourself
(You've got to make him)
So you can respect yourself
Hey, hey
So if you want it right now, then make him show you how
Express what he's got, oh baby ready or not
Do you believe in love?
'Cause I got something to say about it
And it goes something like this
Don't go for second best baby
Put your love to the test
You know, you know, you've got to
Make him express how he feels
And maybe then you'll know your love is real
You don't need diamond rings
Or eighteen karat gold
Fancy cars that go very fast
You know they never last, no, no
What you need is a big strong hand
To lift you to your higher ground
Make you feel like a queen on a throne
Make him love you till you can't come down
(You'll never come down)
Long stem roses are the way to your heart
But he needs to start with your head
Satin sheets are very romantic
What happens when you're not in bed
You deserve the best in life
So if the time isn't right then move on
Second best is never enough
You'll do much better baby on your own
(Baby on your own)
Express yourself
(You've got to make him)
Express himself
Hey, hey, hey, hey
So if you want it right now, make him show you how
Express what he's got, oh baby ready or not
And when you're gone he might regret it
Think about the love he once had
Try to carry on, but he just won't get it
He'll be back on his knees
To express himself
(You've got to make him)
Express himself
Hey hey
What you need is a big strong hand
To lift you to your higher ground
Make you feel like a queen on a throne
Make him love you till you can't come down
(You'll never come down)
So please
Express yourself
(You've got to make him)
Express himself
Hey, hey, hey, hey
So if you want it right now, make him show you how
Express what he's got, oh baby ready or not
Express yourself
(You've got to make him)
So you can respect yourself
Hey, hey
So if you want it right now, then make him show you how
Express what he's got, oh baby ready or not
Friday, April 2, 2010
...and then suddenly- I am pregnant!
now before my phone and email inbox blow up with questions,
let me confirm that I am not with child.
That would be what is referred to in the Bible as an immaculate conception.
Unfortunately for me, there has not been any activity to lead to such an event. My choice.
(TMI? I think not. I don't have a problem admitting its been a while since the fireworks have been lit. Not that I am not looking forward to discovering potential sparks......)
But consider with me, if you will, what it means for me to be
pregnant with possibility.
Ahhhh.. yes... now that is something else all together, isn't it?
But what does it mean, really?
Yesterday as I relayed the events of the last couple of week to Lorelynn, my intuitive therapist, I shared with her how quite unexpectedly while in Mexico, I rediscovered a love for and new level of comfort in my body. How remarkable it feels to shift- such a simple subtle shift has lifted me up to a place beyond my expectations.
Lorelynn talked about the 4 stages a woman goes through in life: Maiden, Mother, Matriarch, and Crone.
It appears that I have moved out of Maidenhood (finally!), and in my 30's , find myself ready and willing to step into Mother energy. This delicious body shape I have is luscious, curvy, voluptuous, round and juicy. My body is prepared to nurture and give birth to some new things: career, outlooks, connections, relationships, art.....Pregnant with delightful and endless possibility.
I have long admired pregnant women- they are sooooooooooo gorgeous! Sexy, full, joy dancing in their beautiful eyes. A luminous glow coming from within, born of the secret knowledge of what it feels like to carry and grow something special that will shape them and contribute to the highest good of the world.
I have been forever wrestling with the idea of having my own children someday- how can I bring a child into the world the way it is now? How could I not? The endless responsibility. Having helped raise some of my siblings and taken on the mothering role early on in my life, I am hesitant to do so again. Let me tell you this- teenagers are HARD. Babies vulnerabilities freak me out, and I feel my own imagined inadequacies targeted.
But I digress....
Me.
Pregnant.
Now.
With delicious possibility.
Yes. I want that.
I claim that for myself.
I delight in the sensuality of what my body is birthing.
I choose to nurture it in-utero, and honor its gentle growth.
And all that entails.
Congratulations, Paula.
You're pregnant!
Thursday, April 1, 2010
April Fool
Slept in today. Something very delicious about waking up in my own bed.
After not doing so in a while....
Gave myself a mani/pedi while watching "Pride & Predjudice", BBC version.
Hot pink, FYI.
Went to see my intuitive awesome therapist today. We are both pleased and surprised at the swiftness in which I am processing and working through stuff.
Cause I am a phenomenal woman. That's me.
From there I met up with some old friends who were passing through town today. Lovely to see them. My friend Mikey was there too. We live near each other and couldn't remember the last time we'd even seen each other! :)
Wanted ice cream, and since I am still on vacation, I brought a pint of B& J Cookies and Milk home.
Bad idea, my tummy says.
Aren't I April's fool tonight?
I so rarely eat real ice cream these days. Now I remember why. It ties my tummy up in knots. Ugh.
It tasted good though.
Continuing with the movie marathon. "Captain Ron" is on!
"He did it on purpose...you can see it in his eyes. Excuse me...his eye! "
After not doing so in a while....
Gave myself a mani/pedi while watching "Pride & Predjudice", BBC version.
Hot pink, FYI.
Went to see my intuitive awesome therapist today. We are both pleased and surprised at the swiftness in which I am processing and working through stuff.
Cause I am a phenomenal woman. That's me.
From there I met up with some old friends who were passing through town today. Lovely to see them. My friend Mikey was there too. We live near each other and couldn't remember the last time we'd even seen each other! :)
Wanted ice cream, and since I am still on vacation, I brought a pint of B& J Cookies and Milk home.
Bad idea, my tummy says.
Aren't I April's fool tonight?
I so rarely eat real ice cream these days. Now I remember why. It ties my tummy up in knots. Ugh.
It tasted good though.
Continuing with the movie marathon. "Captain Ron" is on!
"He did it on purpose...you can see it in his eyes. Excuse me...his eye! "
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Home Sweet Home
I made it!
My plane touched down from LAX this morning to PDX at 8am. My good friend Malinda picked me up. I mentally kissed the ground when I stepped onto the tarmac.
It seems that no matter where I go or how long I am gone, I am always so very, very happy to be home. My eyes never fail to get misty as my plane gets closer to landing. I make out familiar land marks- the st. john's bridge, Rocky Butte, the river.
My heart swells with pride and gratitude as the pilot engages the brakes on the runway. I made it home again.
Malinda and I went to breakfast and then to Ikea because she needed a few things. Then I came home and was greeted by Ellie. We have then spent the whole day on the couch snuggling, watching 4 different movies. She missed me and won't let me out of her sight. I missed her too. Its wonderful to have someone to come home to who missed me as much as I missed them.
Off to bed soon. I have been up since 3:45am this morning. Oh vay!
I am going to lay low the next couple of days, keeping to myself. Unpacking, sleeping, relaxing and soaking up the last bits of my vacation time. I know some of you are anxious to hear from me, and I ask that you let me get acclimated back into the world at my own pace. I will be in touch.( If there is an emergency, do definitely let me know.)
Sending you all my love!
My plane touched down from LAX this morning to PDX at 8am. My good friend Malinda picked me up. I mentally kissed the ground when I stepped onto the tarmac.
It seems that no matter where I go or how long I am gone, I am always so very, very happy to be home. My eyes never fail to get misty as my plane gets closer to landing. I make out familiar land marks- the st. john's bridge, Rocky Butte, the river.
My heart swells with pride and gratitude as the pilot engages the brakes on the runway. I made it home again.
Malinda and I went to breakfast and then to Ikea because she needed a few things. Then I came home and was greeted by Ellie. We have then spent the whole day on the couch snuggling, watching 4 different movies. She missed me and won't let me out of her sight. I missed her too. Its wonderful to have someone to come home to who missed me as much as I missed them.
Off to bed soon. I have been up since 3:45am this morning. Oh vay!
I am going to lay low the next couple of days, keeping to myself. Unpacking, sleeping, relaxing and soaking up the last bits of my vacation time. I know some of you are anxious to hear from me, and I ask that you let me get acclimated back into the world at my own pace. I will be in touch.( If there is an emergency, do definitely let me know.)
Sending you all my love!
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Adios, Mexico!
It's Tuesday.
I am the last one of our party to leave. Everyone else left yesterday.
I am feeling slightly vulnerable, all alone. Without a workign cell phone or computer.
This is where I get anxious. Before the flight. Once I step foot into the airport, I am golden. No worries. Its' the anticipation leading up to it.
I feel anxious. I want to leave. While I have a had a wonderful week here, I am so very much looking forward to home.
To my own bed.
To snuggling with my cat.
Driving my car.
Eating food that doesn't make me sick.
Hot water with decent water pressure in the shower.
I am also really thankful for this whole experience. Meeting new people, learning so much about myself and another place and culture.
Flexing my independence.
Relaxing.
Finding bits of myself that had gotten lost along the way.
I feel really good.
Just want to get on the plane and be home.
Because there is no place like home.
Adios Mexico.
Via con Dios!
I am the last one of our party to leave. Everyone else left yesterday.
I am feeling slightly vulnerable, all alone. Without a workign cell phone or computer.
This is where I get anxious. Before the flight. Once I step foot into the airport, I am golden. No worries. Its' the anticipation leading up to it.
I feel anxious. I want to leave. While I have a had a wonderful week here, I am so very much looking forward to home.
To my own bed.
To snuggling with my cat.
Driving my car.
Eating food that doesn't make me sick.
Hot water with decent water pressure in the shower.
I am also really thankful for this whole experience. Meeting new people, learning so much about myself and another place and culture.
Flexing my independence.
Relaxing.
Finding bits of myself that had gotten lost along the way.
I feel really good.
Just want to get on the plane and be home.
Because there is no place like home.
Adios Mexico.
Via con Dios!
In-N-Out LAX
cab fare from Radisson LAX to In-N-Out Burger $17.85
In-N-Out cheeseburger(Animal Style) with fries & chocolate milkshake-$5.87
sleeping in a Sleep number bed at the Radisson LAX $89.00 = tax
Showering with American, albeit LA water and watching some bad tv before my 4:30 am shuttle ride to catch the last flight home=priceless. F'ing priceless.
There is no place like home.
To be continued.
Monday, March 29, 2010
Found
I found something in Mexico.
It's something that I have ben wanting for a long time, and has illuded me since the tender age of 10.
Drum roll please......
Can you see it?
My new and improved body confidence!!!
Yep.
I have been walking all over town in my tankini and cover up. Swimming in the ocean.
Body boarding.
Horse back riding.
Tan (uh.. sunburnt lightly. Those are aloe leaves on my skin in the above picture.)
Walking to the village to restaurants and various villas and hotels in the village everyday. Thats 2 - 3 miles EVERY day.
And my legs feel strong and I love to look at them. I am turned on by my own legs! Is that weird? Shorty loves her legs!!!!!!! Yay!!!!!
Sexy.
I feel good in this body.
I haven't been eating too much, cause I am just not that hungry- the heat has shrunk my appetite.
I feel whole and a comfort that I have not known since i was a kid.
I feel dead sexy, ya'll.
I also haven't worn a bra in almost two weeks and I am in no hurry to put one back on. I feel free and easy and so.....fluid....
Considering that it seems like there has been an endless sea of beautiful, toned, fit, goddess like women in my presence, it speaks volumes to my soul that I feel this way here, in this place. I feel like a goddess too.
It was exactly what I needed. I can't wait to take that home. Go shopping. Get dressed up. Go for a run. Sun salutations. Smile. work it.
Thank you Mexico.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Faith
Currently, I find myself in the open living room here at Casa Delfin. It's close to sunset. I have spent the day after meeting up with Kelly, Todd & company at Mi Casa for brunch (and finally a pina colada!), doing exactly what I want: nothing.
Well, not nothing, exactly.
Nothing consisted of this:
Beach time
yes, in the Magic Hammock. Again. Seriously. I could be quite happy here.
I have been surrounded this week by loving couples, made up of awesome men and the strong, beautiful women they cherish. It is refreshing to see that. And dear reader, I needed to see that. Because I will confess that I have moments of doubt. Yes, I have faith that there is a lid for every pot. Truly I do....and sometimes doubt creeps in and I wonder if I'll ever really find mine.
Could he really be out there. Could we be, as Kelly and Todd so aptly spoke in their ceremony,
"...apart, yet connected in our ignorance of each other, like two apples sharing a common tree"?
I am, oddly enough, in this hammock I am reading books that all have the topic of marriage in them in some way or another. That wasn't totally planned, and has none the less set me thinking intensely on the subject.
Today, I have been reading "Mr. and Mrs. Fitzwilliam Darcy". You'll have to forgive me here, as I developed a very dear love for Jane Austen in high school, and subsequently, Bridget Jones, and Colin Firth in well... anything, but especially as either Fitzwilliam Darcy or Mark Darcy. Mr. Darcy has long symbolized for me, the sort of man I most wanted to be in partnership with. The struggles of coming together, having to be overcome by the pride and prejudices we each feel. Ultimately, ending in the perfect match for each.
Yes, I realize its just a story. I am a hopeless romantic with a teenaged girl's dreams secreted inside. Once upon a time, I even thought I had most certainly glimpsed my own Mr. Darcy. But alas, I was wrong. Because if I had, he would have let me know. Instead, there is only silence which I interpreted as a buzzer answering "WRONG!!!!!". *sigh*
So, I sit here, on this sofa, listening to the kids splash in the pool, and Sting sing on the radio about losing his faith, and wonder....
Is HE really out there? Seeing my friends together in this incredible relationships brings some hope. It must be possible. It must be. These women are so fantastic and the men see it- they see all of it. They love them with so much conviction, and as a result, though I am sure these relationships are not perfect, I am so inspired by observing the way these people love each other. Unconditionally, with total acceptance. Wow. Nice to finally see that in action.
too much time in the hammock today, friends.....tooo much....
Well, not nothing, exactly.
Nothing consisted of this:
Beach time
yes, in the Magic Hammock. Again. Seriously. I could be quite happy here.
I have been surrounded this week by loving couples, made up of awesome men and the strong, beautiful women they cherish. It is refreshing to see that. And dear reader, I needed to see that. Because I will confess that I have moments of doubt. Yes, I have faith that there is a lid for every pot. Truly I do....and sometimes doubt creeps in and I wonder if I'll ever really find mine.
Could he really be out there. Could we be, as Kelly and Todd so aptly spoke in their ceremony,
"...apart, yet connected in our ignorance of each other, like two apples sharing a common tree"?
I am, oddly enough, in this hammock I am reading books that all have the topic of marriage in them in some way or another. That wasn't totally planned, and has none the less set me thinking intensely on the subject.
Today, I have been reading "Mr. and Mrs. Fitzwilliam Darcy". You'll have to forgive me here, as I developed a very dear love for Jane Austen in high school, and subsequently, Bridget Jones, and Colin Firth in well... anything, but especially as either Fitzwilliam Darcy or Mark Darcy. Mr. Darcy has long symbolized for me, the sort of man I most wanted to be in partnership with. The struggles of coming together, having to be overcome by the pride and prejudices we each feel. Ultimately, ending in the perfect match for each.
Yes, I realize its just a story. I am a hopeless romantic with a teenaged girl's dreams secreted inside. Once upon a time, I even thought I had most certainly glimpsed my own Mr. Darcy. But alas, I was wrong. Because if I had, he would have let me know. Instead, there is only silence which I interpreted as a buzzer answering "WRONG!!!!!". *sigh*
So, I sit here, on this sofa, listening to the kids splash in the pool, and Sting sing on the radio about losing his faith, and wonder....
Is HE really out there? Seeing my friends together in this incredible relationships brings some hope. It must be possible. It must be. These women are so fantastic and the men see it- they see all of it. They love them with so much conviction, and as a result, though I am sure these relationships are not perfect, I am so inspired by observing the way these people love each other. Unconditionally, with total acceptance. Wow. Nice to finally see that in action.
too much time in the hammock today, friends.....tooo much....
Bad Poetry in Mexico
"Writing Bad Poetry in Mexico"
not quite heartbroken
wasn't quite in love
but somewhere between wistful longing and
self-assured faith
enough for me too,
is me, in Mexico, writing bad poetry
Someday
I'd like to write great poetry in my own backyard
not quite heartbroken
wasn't quite in love
but somewhere between wistful longing and
self-assured faith
enough for me too,
is me, in Mexico, writing bad poetry
Someday
I'd like to write great poetry in my own backyard
Friday, March 26, 2010
Wedding Day
My day began leisurely. I wanted some time to myself, to heal (as Montezuma had had his is revenge a bit the previous day) before I was "on" wedding planner/ officiant mode. So I woke and showered around 8am and layed out in my Magic Hammock for an hour or two, reading all about Lizzy and her William. I sighed heavily, pulled myself out of the hammock, and went in to spend some time fixin' myself up pretty.
I had no sooner, run a comb through my hair, when I heard the bride's mom and sister calling for me in the courtyard. It was only noon, and I wasn't due at the villa until 2pm. They had come on behalf of the bride, who was summoning me early.
I gathered my outfit, make-up and all the necessities and we went. I know my presence on site was probably a soothing balm, and what was most needed. There wasn't much for me to do on arrival, so I painted my toenails a sparkly light blue by the pool, as the men worked to set up the wedding. It was the most calm and serene atmosphere. Usually it's a frenzy of activity and I am caught up in the middle of it, day of the event. And while I was plenty busy when it was time, the pace was slowed immensely. I enjoyed that slow build up very much.
It was during this time that an iguana was found swimming in the pool and had to be plucked out. That's Mexico....
It was warm. Everyone glistened in excitement for sunset. Pictures were taken.
Rueban on spanish guitar. Yours truly at the altar, ceremony in hand.
Bridesmaids, groomsman, family, sunset. Ocean as witness.
Here comes the bride!
The bride looked "amazeeen". So did the groom. In the most heartfelt ceremony I have ever had the honor of officiating, we were all moved to tears. I stood between the two of them as they spoke their promises and proclaimed their love to one another. I felt so unbelievable privileged. This is what love is. It moves us to want to commit in the sharing of all that we were, are and will be to one another and make a life of our separate parts, together. I was beyond moved and had to remind myself to keep my composure, being the officiant and all.
Once the kiss sealed the deal, they took the newlywed glow to the reception. There was toasting of such deep and genuine felicity by most and love from all. The food was delish, the stars aligned, and the moon shone it's blessing to the lovers now wed.
*sigh*
What a lovely wedding day. I walked home by myself, the moon and ocean my companions, falling into bed thoroughly exhausted.
Dancing in the Moonlight
Last night was the bachelorette's last night as a single girl.
All of the women in our group celebrated this gorgeous woman by dancing into the night at the Burro Baracho here in Troncones.
Mothers, grandmothers, aunts, cousins, sister, and friends shook their groove thangs in the hot humid night. And that included me. When I woke up this morning, my feet were swollen from dancing barefoot on the bare concrete floor. Ay carrumba!
OH Joe! Work it!
During the evening, I took a time out and walked down to the water. I wanted to cool my body with the smell and sensation of the sea. And ease the pain of that obscure blisters my Chaco's had left me from walking the village road. Under a bright moon, I danced a duet with the Ocean to Madonna's "Holiday". I could almost feel my Dad there with me too, smiling at his lovely, independent, laughing eldest daughter to the artist that began it all for her, so many years ago. I could feel how proud he is of me, "brave girl I am to be traipsing off in the world". I felt really connected to everything in those moments.
I wasn't drunk off alcohol, and yet I was definitely feeling the effects of intoxication. With life that is.
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