Dare to Bare: The Unexpected

Nine months ago, when I first set out on my "Dare to Bare" Vulnerability Project, I had no idea it would take me down to a point of vulnerability such as I am in now. I passed by a few Daring Places, only to find myself somewhere completely unexpected. I did not anticipate  that my route would take me past a Ghost Town of Traumatic Memory, a destination that  I had worked hard to forget, for many years. But, the fact is that this is a necessary stop on my road. The only way around, is through.
I am doing a good job of carrying on with my life- and most people probably don't even suspect just how naked I feel at present.  I find myself feeling completely exhausted most of the time. My naturepath assures me that it is due to the fact I am processing so much, emotionally. I have been taking more naps than usual, to my delight. I have been watching many a sad movie, with the intention to dislodge long-held emotion, via tears.
And it's true, I am doing a lot of thinking, feeling, and accepting. Its draining. I have little patience or energy  for silly questions from people wanting to know where the cereal is. Don't they understand that I am dealing with some heavy shit inside my head, these days???!!!! I want a vacation...
This all goes back to my Amazing Revelation. The revelation while extremely private, is something that stems from a secretly traumatic event that occurred in my life, ten years ago. Ten years of not dealing with something that had significant emotional impact is weighty, to say the least.
While the "what" of that Amazing Revelation, matters little in the grand scheme of things- what does is the concept of dealing with events as they happen.
"Never put off today what you could do tomorrow."
I beat myself up a little- why didn't I have the courage to face this then? Maybe my life would have been different. Maybe I'd be married now with kids. Maybe I'd be living on a tropical island. Maybe I would be a travel writer....I know better than to play the what-if game. Because I also believe that everything happens when it is supposed to, for a reason.
The truth is, I wasn't ready then, as a 24 year-old young woman. I was a late bloomer, in many respects, and that meant late to the party as well.  So I repressed in multiple ways. I stayed at a job, though it has many outstanding benefits, has kept me placid and without passion in my work. I chose relationships with men who were emotionally unavailable  to me, because as long as I focused on them and their needs, wants, and feelings- I wasn't looking at my own. I put on weight to keep myself from being chosen by a man who could see the real me- another defense mechanism that made it easy to repress the emotions eating away at me inside. I choose not to save money - because I didn't believe in my own inherent worth. There are countless ways I have allowed myself to be held back from living the life I truly want. It wasn't anyone else doing  the locking down- it's been all me.
Well... I am to blame for not taking the road to Whole Heart City,  I am not to blame for the event. That I know. For certain.
Spending the last ten years in such an emotional lock down, has me wondering if being open and free of these shackles from the past is possible. The optimist in me tells me, "Absolutely! Just keep walking forward." The fearful part of me is less sure. "Wouldn't it be safer if we just stayed here? It's not so bad, is it?"

Yes, it is!!! Damn it I want to blow this pop stand!!!! I want to meltdown the walls and see what is on the other side of this place. I know there is some fantastic stuff over there. I can feel it, even if I don't know for certain what it looks like yet. I just have a hunch....

Soooo..... I keep walking.
And napping.
And writing.
And talking.
And crying.
And laughing.
And stretching beyond what I have known to be comfortable.

We should all have the courage to live openly, with whole gorgeous hearts beating out the rhythm of our footsteps on the path.
Life is far too short and beautiful, to live it half-assed.
I am just taking the long way around.

The Bigger Lewbowski

image via Amazon.com

"...it's a complicated case...Lotta ins...Lotta outs. And a lotta strands to keep in my head, man." 

~The Dude

I have been writing this post in my head for the last 2 months. The goal was to have it finished by the time I had my annual "Big Lewbowski Outdoor Movie Party", in early August. Alas, it didn't happen. The struggle was in trying to articulate the profound affinity and connection ( for example, it is a major bonding force between my brothers and I) I feel for this movie, and how it applies to my own human experience. Being quite fond of symbolism of the seemingly everyday and domestic, my eyes, heart, and brain all worked  to fuse the pieces together to no avail. 

Until last night, that is. I found myself on a random and magical evening, best summed up by this morning's Facebook status update on my page:
"Sometimes, if you're lucky, you have a randomly magical night with two of your favorite friends, 3 delicious strawberry vodka lemonades (which is a lot for this delicate flower who doesn't drink much) and they take you to a Secret Society where a lovely girl plays a beautiful guitar and a mean fiddle, twin lovelies play a happy banjo and a tambourine with melodic voices, a cellist connects you to your Chezch ancestry and inspires you to pinky swear  you'll go to Prague with your beautiful dreaded friend on a red velvet couch in the ladies' loo, and that a long talked about man named John, will win you over with his funny stories, soulful songs, and a sense of wonder at how a night like that could make my belly ache with laughter and reaffirm my belief in the awesomness of this thing called life. Thank you. now i must go have some breakfast...." ♥ 

Clarity descended on me as I watched these talented musicians bare their souls through the notes of the songs in the height of my drunken state, last night. The insight came to me because I was wide open, vulnerable and completely, totally 100% being myself. I had no expectations or attachments to where I was in that moment. I just showed up to that place and time.  I was simply being and ensconced in the present moment. 

"How come I don't feel this way more often?",  I contemplated,  sometime in the middle of a cello's seductive soul call. How to attain this kind  of elevated sense of clarity without vodka? Ahhhh... yes...openness of heart, in the present is the key. As so aptly stated in another of my favorite movies,  "I Heart Huckabees",  it is the place between "pure being and human drama" where this comes in to play. 

This  sudden openness in myself made it easier for me to connect to the energy of the people I was watching perform- as if there was a direct line from my heart to theirs. Now true, I am an intuitive and these abilities are already more pronounced in myself more than most.  But this was a new awareness of my situation like I have yet known.

"New shit has come to light, man." ~The Dude

image via bothteamsplayedhard.net

An hour or so before I began my adventure last night, I had posted the above quote on FB, relating  acutely to that statement, but not really sure why. I was inspired to share, more as a declaration to myself when The Dude's page was suggested via FB to "like". Naturally, I abide. But why? Why does this story and these characters hold such value...I thought about it some more. I researched other viewpoints that included spirituality and the lessons of TBL (the Coen Brothers MUST have had some idea and deliberate intention in the writing of the film in connection with a spiritual outlook...). The need to understand is for me, and the sharing of it here in this space, is my way of working it out for myself. Surely there are other's who have also pondered in a similar fashion. Dudeism, I discovered is a real religion with over 70,000 followers. Far out, Man. Far out. 

But I digress...there is a point to all of this....stay with me....no, I don't mind if you do a "j"...

New shit has indeed come to light. With my own very personal Amazing Revelation I mentioned in the post previous, and this month's astrological themes extraordinarily 

applicable to my life and what I am currently undergoing. The  highlighted themes center on  the square of Uranus (the planet of surprise) to Pluto (the "not a planet" of transformation) that happened yesterday, Sept. 18. Just today, on a whim, I brought home a copy of the sometimes, cheesy new age-y publication, "New Connections", and opened up to the astrology section to find this September's cosmic summary by Emily Trinkaus:
"Courage, Creativity, & Power
The rising tides of change reach another peak in September, signifying a choice point that tests your courage and commitment. The Uranus- Pluto square, exact for the second time on Sept. 18, challenges you to clarify and clear inner blocks that hold you back from shining your light and sharing your gifts.
While Pluto in Capricorn signals the death and rebirth of social  structures, Uranus in Aries catalyzes the creativity and power inherent in each individual, inviting everyone to participate in the transformation in your own unique way.
On Oct. 5, Saturn [the Task Master planet] will shift from Libra to Scorpio, turning attention to the deep work of intimacy, emotional healing, and letting go. If you take responsibility for uncovering what you've repressed, hidden or otherwise banished to the subconscious, you're rewarded with the Scorpio gifts of regeneration, vitality and authentic connections."

Fucking A. That is so spot on to what I am handling in my personal life (and anyone privy to the intimate details of the private happenings of me, will see the validation here). It gives me hope that the light on the other side of the tunnel is much closer than I thought. It also validates why now, after all of these years, that I am just now seeing the blocks that have prevented me from fully embracing my whole self and sharing it more authentically.

"It is man's own responsibility to solve his problems and to make sense in his own time and place." 

~David Thorsteinsson, "Unspoken Messages: Notes on Lewbowskian Theory"

http://dudespaper.com/dude-university/unspoken-messages-notes-on-lebowskian-theory/

image via dudeism.com

All of these points seem to line up to show me, that the time is NOW. The proverbial rug has been pulled out from underneath me (as I predicted it would 2 months ago), and in the present I am left to pull all of the threads together to weave a new rug that really ties the room together. Are you listening, to The Dudette's story?

The Dude just "took 'er easy" and actively enjoyed his life. He lived in the now. He was open to experience. He got dealt some uncool stuff, and through it all he worked to understand it, and in the end became more enlightened to the condition he was in. WOW. It took me writing all of the above to get to that. Sometimes, ya just gotta write shit out.

"Ah.. fuck it. Let's go bowling."

~Walter Sobchak

image via cinemonkey.wordpress.com

My Own Odyssey

Holy Toasted Marshmallows! The last couple of weeks have been intense for me. Remember a few posts back, when I alluded to my intuition alerting me that something big was coming my way? That no area of my life would be unaffected?
Turns out I was spot on.
I am not, for once, going to go into detail here. Yes, even for me, there are things too private to share with the world.
However, I can't ever seem to  turn off extrovert mode, because that is my default...and  I want to say this about my Amazing Revelation:
Finally, after all of the soul searching and internal work I have dedicated myself to over the last 5 years, FINALLY, I have made contact with the piece that has been my road block to all other things- my career, money habits, ambition, relationships, body image, creativity...the list seems to go on because this obstacle has leached its way into so many areas of my life with fear and stagnation.

“If I had an hour to save the world I would spend 59 minutes defining the problem and one minute finding solutions” ~Albert Einstein

A major sense of accomplishment has been resonating through me, in the days since the Amazing Revelation. Identifying the issue has brought so much clarity, and while the road ahead of me won't be easy, it certainly will not do me in. If anything, I feel more certain of my path and the steps I know I will be making. 

Lately, I have been wanting to compartmentalize my life, so that I could have the space within in it to process all that has surfaced. And while for once I am feeling more introverted and introspective,- there is also a sense of openness and freedom like I have never known. Those two things feed my soul- how did I allow myself to be so repressed for so long? I simply did not know....we are masters of illusion.

In the end, I have reaffirmed what I have known all along- we are each doing the very best we can in every minute.
None of us are perfect. 
None of us have it completely figured out. 
Those gaps  in clarity where the unknown resides- well- those are the places that are filled with possibilities as much as they are filled with fear. The real action takes place when we choose the possibilities that lift is up out of the fear. 

So, Universe,  I say Yes to to following:

Yes, I will work to heal the fearful parts of my heart and soul that have been left in the dark for far too long. I am looking forward to it, because I know THIS is what I need to do to get to the good stuff waiting for me. I am super elated to be arriving here at last, and am not  the least turned off by a little hard work. It won't take me forever, especially since I am willing to do whatever needs doing to reach my intended destination.

 Yes, I will walk bravely and excitedly into a new direction with my career. I am trusting that you will deliver the people, places and experiences I need to keep stepping towards my True North. Gently, is the way I'd like this to unfold. No sudden moves- I'd prefer to ease into it. Its time to do what I am meant to to do, with the intention of helping others, and myself. 

Yes, I will open myself up to a solid, healthy, fun, mature, adventurous, loving, sensuous, surprising relationship with a NICE guy. I know what I deserve; I know what I want, and I will not settle for less than that. Its time, and I am ready for it so give him the green light to come on in. Please remind him that my nervousness is temporary- I'm a little rusty.

This is my Odyssey, and there isn't anything odd about it, because when you find your way back home, you realize you never actually left in the first place. 
Heart is where the home is.

Falling into place

"Dear Fall, I can in fact feel your presence stealthily seducing me. Your gently crisp mornings stir my soul...im ready for you. Come and get me ♥"

image via the travelerszone.com

The Summer is slipping away, and I am content to let it go. It was hell of a Summer- I seized as much as I possibly could. There were endless days of blue skies, working in the yard, my first veggie garden, making jam, napping under the tulip tree,  BBQs, laughs with friends, river floats, (3 concerts: The Head & The Heart, Florence & The Machine, and Steve Martin and Emmylou Harris), a family reunion, and several profound realizations that leave me inspired and motivated to move forward in my life. 

And... I am also exhausted. These first days of September find me happy to have some solitude. There is breathing room to let the days of Summer and the memories created be fully digested. There is a nagging desire to deeply clean my house. I want to hunker down for the next couple of weeks to reflect for the Next Big Things coming. I want to take long, hot baths and just soak it all in. Just a few weeks to let the pieces Fall into place.

Aww the sweet seduction of Autumn. I give of myself willingly. Taking it all in. There are loose plans  that involve a few quiet nights of coming home to my Husband, aka The Crock Pot, and fueling up with hearty, yummy meals  of veggies and roasted meat. Fires crackling, losing myself in a  good book or catching up on my netflix. The annual baking of Pumpkin Chocolate Chip bread. Pumpkin pancakes on my weekend...mmmmm.....The leaves on the tulip tree will begin to turn a brilliant yellow. The air will take on a crispness in the mornings and the evenings. Even now, its dark at 9pm, and I find myself ready to head into my cozy bed much earlier than I have been used to, succumbing to the sexiness of the season. 

Because what is really appealing to me, is the change- the shift from one thing to the next. My life has felt so very stagnant the last couple of months, that as I prepare for whatever is headed my way, it feels nice to know that I made it  to this restful place of transition. I can exhale now, and breathe in all of the delicious days with immense pleasure,  as they come.