Fast Away the old year passes.
So long 2010 and all of your hard- learned lessons. Welcome 2011. 1.1.11!
This last week of the year, has been filled with lots of happenings: my brother in the hospital and now ok, me contracting wicked food poisoning and missing a dear friend's wedding today, due to mentioned illness. Thats just this last week and half!
Looking back over my 2010 personal plan of action, the theme was cleaning out the nooks and crannies of my life. Boy, I did not know what I was getting into! Let's recap shall we?
"Deep cleaning of the nooks and crannies of every part of my life to allow the total embrace of the greater possibilities."
my home- go through every cupboard, every corner, and let go of the things that are no longer serving me. Dust, vacuum, clean. ( As it turns out, I cleaned it out so well that I cleaned myself into a new home! Hello Magic Cottage!!! Small actions can have big, unexpected results.)
meet with Portland astrologer and enroll in private lessons (I took lessons off and on in 2010. I expect to do more of that in 2011.)
make more time for giving intuitive readings- thin about shifting my job schedule to accommodate this work. (Read for a few new people)
be creative everyday- sew something, paint something, doodle something- whatever. (was more playful, but not nearly as creative as I wanted to be. Having space to create now, will hopefully inspire an increase!)
my body- let's move more, shall we? Dance, stretch, hike, walk for 30 minutes everyday. Let's also make time for stillness in here. Let's meditate and be still in our skin.( I definately hiked more than I have before. I got lax, though. I need to get back into it. Exercise was off and on.)
my head- let's clear out some of these old beliefs that have served as blocks- holding me back from knowing and embracing what I know is possible. If I can dream it- I can do it. Let's go back to therapy and dig really deep in there- body image issues, childhood building block beliefs, parental influences, ancestral influences- all of it. Let's lighten the load and let go of feeling so stuck in this body and this life! (Whoa, whoa, whoa! This is where I did the most work. This was also the hardest. And its never done. I did make some huge dents in the iceberg though. Major progress forward- discovering key blocks and breaking them down. Going back to therapy was a huge catalyst for the emotional excavating that occurred. "
There were other things too, that I didn't make time for or that are spilling over into 2011, such as:
*making time to be creative everyday- either in a big or small way
*making exercise a part of my daily life. I am planning to join a gym in January. I don't care that it is cliche- its also symbolic for me. (I am also looking forward to purchasing a new gym bag and eventually a new ipod for my daily jaunts.)
*finishing up the payment of my debt.( I am sooooo close! This is the year I conquer it and then begin to SAVE!!!!!!!!)
*welcome a new love relationship into my life. It's time. It's been over 3 years since my last relationship. In that time, I have worked hard at letting go of beliefs that have blocked me from accepting real love into my life. I want this to be the time. It is the time. I am ready to be loved and to give love. I am excited to see who comes into my life to share in that lesson with me.
*combat my stress. walk, exercise, swim, yoga, meditation. I want to incorporate all of these methods into my life.( When I am stressed, I am snappy and unpleasant. I am tired and run-down. I want to choose to be energized in my life.)
*travel- I want to go back east, maybe to Hawaii, and up to Canada in 2011.
*try NIA dance and see how it makes me feel.
*volunteer- I have a lot to give and not enough time to give it, it seems. My time is the most precius thing I can give and I want to share it with a purpose and cause.
lots of little things to do- finish setting up my home, make art, commit to selling my work, buy a washer and dryer, Cook more. Have dinner parties with friends. And I want to hug people more often. I want to be a better hugger. Yes.
As always with new years, it feels vast and open. A blank slate waiting to be filled up with possibility, wisdom and adventure.
May it be so for you and yours.YES!
Friday, December 31, 2010
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
A light in the Dark
Last night I burned the box.
Gathered with a few others, around the fire, their own boxes to burn.
We released the things that no longer serve us, and welcomed in the light.
It was a much needed occasion, as I had spent half the day at the hospital with my brother. He had a freak bicycle accident which ended with him being rushed to the hospital. He is ok, back at home now and resting. I am so very, very grateful he is alright, sustaining few injuries.
To be in the light, of the light - that is what sustains us through the winter.
I am so excited for Christmas this year. In a few days, I will be able to take a break from the world and gather with my family for a day of rest and leisure, celebrating the magic of the season.
Because after many years of being blind to it - I see it more clearly this year than I have in a long time.
Merry Christmas to you and yours. Sending love and reminding you of your light....
Blessed Be.
Gathered with a few others, around the fire, their own boxes to burn.
We released the things that no longer serve us, and welcomed in the light.
It was a much needed occasion, as I had spent half the day at the hospital with my brother. He had a freak bicycle accident which ended with him being rushed to the hospital. He is ok, back at home now and resting. I am so very, very grateful he is alright, sustaining few injuries.
To be in the light, of the light - that is what sustains us through the winter.
I am so excited for Christmas this year. In a few days, I will be able to take a break from the world and gather with my family for a day of rest and leisure, celebrating the magic of the season.
Because after many years of being blind to it - I see it more clearly this year than I have in a long time.
Merry Christmas to you and yours. Sending love and reminding you of your light....
Blessed Be.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Ghost Town
I found myself driving through the ghost town of my heart last evening. The place I was conceived, born,broken and left behind many times.
I understand now my own mother's aversion to North Portland. It is haunted and it haunts me.
That place gives me so much anxiety. The ghosts of memories past swimming around, a knot in my stomach.
Here is the place I was left behind. Here is the place I played as a child. Here is where my family came from. Here is where he took my hand and kissed me on the street. Here is where he died. Here is where a part of me died and lingers.... and so it went.
I had to call Shauna by the time I made it through, painfully stirred up, to Janzen Beach. I needed her to talk me down from the ledge of anxiety. Someone who beleived in me- who knows this journey from her own time spent on it.
I was on my way to a family reunion of my mother's family- almost all of which I had not seen in over a decade. And I was a wreck.
Lost in my own place of origin. Does this place define me? Who I am and where I will go?
I have always preached that we cannot know who we really are until to we truly understand where we come from.
And where is that for me exactly? A lot of pain. A lot of suffering, lying dormant these many years, only to be triggered into awakness by people, places- words essentially.
I feel stuck in this place- swimming in a sea of anguish like I have not know before. Words fail me in some ways... and yet I am here typing these words out.
Scooping.
Purging.
Pouring. Begging for it to be over.
I think about making a map- a map of the places that hurt in this town. And to go to each one by myself. And feel it. Observe what comes up for me. Feel it to its maximum being. And then..... ask myself if I need to hold onto that place, that person, that feeling.
I know the answers before I will speak them. But experience makes up for where words fail.
Driving home from my cousin's last night, and a reunion of 4 generations of women, I was behind my Grandmother and her boyfriend, with my mother behind me. Driving on the freeway past the exits that lead to painful memories. And I thought to myself-" Wow. Look how loved you are in this moment. These people- your family- are supporting you and protecting you in this moment through this painful place. Look at that. Unknowingly, there presence soothes you and reminds you that you don't just come from one place- you come from many . And you will visit more in the time to come. "
this too shall pass....
I understand now my own mother's aversion to North Portland. It is haunted and it haunts me.
That place gives me so much anxiety. The ghosts of memories past swimming around, a knot in my stomach.
Here is the place I was left behind. Here is the place I played as a child. Here is where my family came from. Here is where he took my hand and kissed me on the street. Here is where he died. Here is where a part of me died and lingers.... and so it went.
I had to call Shauna by the time I made it through, painfully stirred up, to Janzen Beach. I needed her to talk me down from the ledge of anxiety. Someone who beleived in me- who knows this journey from her own time spent on it.
I was on my way to a family reunion of my mother's family- almost all of which I had not seen in over a decade. And I was a wreck.
Lost in my own place of origin. Does this place define me? Who I am and where I will go?
I have always preached that we cannot know who we really are until to we truly understand where we come from.
And where is that for me exactly? A lot of pain. A lot of suffering, lying dormant these many years, only to be triggered into awakness by people, places- words essentially.
I feel stuck in this place- swimming in a sea of anguish like I have not know before. Words fail me in some ways... and yet I am here typing these words out.
Scooping.
Purging.
Pouring. Begging for it to be over.
I think about making a map- a map of the places that hurt in this town. And to go to each one by myself. And feel it. Observe what comes up for me. Feel it to its maximum being. And then..... ask myself if I need to hold onto that place, that person, that feeling.
I know the answers before I will speak them. But experience makes up for where words fail.
Driving home from my cousin's last night, and a reunion of 4 generations of women, I was behind my Grandmother and her boyfriend, with my mother behind me. Driving on the freeway past the exits that lead to painful memories. And I thought to myself-" Wow. Look how loved you are in this moment. These people- your family- are supporting you and protecting you in this moment through this painful place. Look at that. Unknowingly, there presence soothes you and reminds you that you don't just come from one place- you come from many . And you will visit more in the time to come. "
this too shall pass....
Monday, December 13, 2010
Dear Shauna
My best friend, the lovely and Talented Shauna has started a new blog.
With my name on it.
What a tribute, right? :)
6 years ago, my BFF moved to San Diego to take up residence with her father, step-mom and their kids. She went to sort out some questions and connections for herself. In the end, she came home to where her heart could be whole and left a very difficult part of her life there. There is more to it- but that is her story to tell.
While she was there over the course of about 6 months- we wrote each other everyday. To this day, it is the most constant I have ever been in my communication. Both of us had questions to ask, while the other offered clues to the answers the other sought. Our words, heartfelt, deep, raw and beautiful connected us to times of great transition in our lives. I was still mourning the sudden death of my father that previous Feb, and by the time she came home in Nov, D. and I had just began dating only days before. Wow. That was a long time ago! And how far we have come....
In the spirit of those deep daily emails we sent one another, and also to highlight the gifts and talents of the brilliant writer Shauna is- she began a blog called "Dear Paula". The first entry was on my birthday- a sweet gorgeous gift to receive from my soul sister, so dear.
Stop by and check it out, won't you?
http://www.deartylerstracker.com
xoxoxoxoxoxo
Saturday, December 11, 2010
In honor of Mercury's retrograde
It's a time of review, re-evaluation and reflection when mercury goes retrograde. I find it especially poignant this time of year. This time around, Mercury is retrograde Dec 10-30. Some of the darkest days of the year, and at the tail end of 2010, no less.
I haven't been writing about what I have been up to lately because it's been deep work I am doing on the interior of my soul, heart, head and chakras etc. Too much information for here, maybe. But then again- I promise always to deliver the true, raw, honest truth in this space. So why not? Maybe there is something in my words for you, dear reader.
Having had a pretty significant breakthrough about my relationship patterns due to my family's patterns has been heavy to say the least. I come from, on my dad's side, on the dark side of things, a family where there has been generations of sexual abuse. I am glad to say the cycle doesn't include me, but it affects me nonetheless.
As a girl of 14, my father left me. Emotionally I was scarred, never to be the same. He left me and my brother for his own reasons. To deal with the heat of actions made past and the spotlight of crimes committed. I'd like to think he spared us. But it left a whole in my heart. It left me feeling I was unlovable. What was so wrong with me that my own father cut himself totally and completely out of my life for 6 years? I was devastated.
It was not the first time he had left me. He never had it to give to me- emotional availability was something he himself had turned off long before my time- when he was still a boy enduring unspeakable things. He was wounded, and as such wounded me.
My relationships, most notably with my ex, D., mirrored these feelings of me seeking out my father's love, approval, emotional support,acceptance and admiration. D. is a lot like my dad. From his zodiac sign, to the fact he lived 2 blocks from the house I was conceived in, to a shared sexual abuse wound, anit-socialness, emotional availability, right down to how he looks. D. was my father reincarnated. I was and had been fighting, for the duration of our time together, for the attachment of my father. I wanted this man to make up for all the things I didn't get from my dad. I literally begged for him to do so, not knowing that is what I was doing.
The knowledge of my subconscious actions has shifted my perception greatly. I am in so much gratitude for this man, and how he helped see these things about myself. He is not a perfect man, and yet I will always have a deep love and respect for the parts of ourselves we grew and shared together.
He has finally moved on and met a new lady. This news was met with hurt. It's not him- truthfully we don't fit together and it is not meant to work out. Learning about him being in a new relationship, triggered in me again- those feelings of value and worth I have been working to heal.
What is so wrong with me that I am not in a relationship, and he is?
I have been working incredibly hard and diligently at healing my wounds, and yet he is with someone.
I feel like I got left behind again.
But I didn't. This has nothing to do with him. Not really. This is all on me. (And I am thankful to know he gets that.)
It echoes for me the feelings that say I am not lovable because I am not in a relationship with a man who loves and accepts me and he has found that (at least I imagine so.)
For him- I wish so much good. I love, love, love this man though I am not in love with him anymore.I know he has the same love for me - that's the beautiful part of it all, recognizing that in each other. I want for him to be happy and to be with a women who fits him and be for him what I always wanted to be, but am not destined to be. I long for the day when we can be real friends, laughing over silly things like people do when they know each other well and care. I look forward to the day when seeing him and hearing his voice does not make me react from the place of the wounded girl. I want to make peace with the hurt- to let it go. To allow the teenage girl who was abandoned by her father a chance to know real love-ablity. I look forward to the day when I am not working so hard on this dark spot in my bright soul. I long for the day when I can love my whole self with a man who does too.
So in honor of Mercury, I am digging deeper- further than I have ever gone to scoop out the broken bits. I have started to write down everything I am angry about in regards to the three men who have hurt me most in my life- D., my father, and my grandfather. I write down the things I am angry at myself for. All the hurt, frustration and agony I have allowed to grow. I write these words, and place them in a little black box. Through the ritual of ceremony, I plan to burn the box and let it all go. Up into the sky, to the heavens, to the stars for God to take into his being and hold for me. To fashion something new and lovely out of the pain I have endured. No more. I want 2011 to be a year of magic, possibility and at long last, true love.
Let it begin.
This week, I will be decorating the Magic Cottage for Christmas. I am really hoping to get everything photographed and have a home tour for you soon. Promise. :)
Happy reflecting, dear reader. From great change, comes great possibility.
I haven't been writing about what I have been up to lately because it's been deep work I am doing on the interior of my soul, heart, head and chakras etc. Too much information for here, maybe. But then again- I promise always to deliver the true, raw, honest truth in this space. So why not? Maybe there is something in my words for you, dear reader.
Having had a pretty significant breakthrough about my relationship patterns due to my family's patterns has been heavy to say the least. I come from, on my dad's side, on the dark side of things, a family where there has been generations of sexual abuse. I am glad to say the cycle doesn't include me, but it affects me nonetheless.
As a girl of 14, my father left me. Emotionally I was scarred, never to be the same. He left me and my brother for his own reasons. To deal with the heat of actions made past and the spotlight of crimes committed. I'd like to think he spared us. But it left a whole in my heart. It left me feeling I was unlovable. What was so wrong with me that my own father cut himself totally and completely out of my life for 6 years? I was devastated.
It was not the first time he had left me. He never had it to give to me- emotional availability was something he himself had turned off long before my time- when he was still a boy enduring unspeakable things. He was wounded, and as such wounded me.
My relationships, most notably with my ex, D., mirrored these feelings of me seeking out my father's love, approval, emotional support,acceptance and admiration. D. is a lot like my dad. From his zodiac sign, to the fact he lived 2 blocks from the house I was conceived in, to a shared sexual abuse wound, anit-socialness, emotional availability, right down to how he looks. D. was my father reincarnated. I was and had been fighting, for the duration of our time together, for the attachment of my father. I wanted this man to make up for all the things I didn't get from my dad. I literally begged for him to do so, not knowing that is what I was doing.
The knowledge of my subconscious actions has shifted my perception greatly. I am in so much gratitude for this man, and how he helped see these things about myself. He is not a perfect man, and yet I will always have a deep love and respect for the parts of ourselves we grew and shared together.
He has finally moved on and met a new lady. This news was met with hurt. It's not him- truthfully we don't fit together and it is not meant to work out. Learning about him being in a new relationship, triggered in me again- those feelings of value and worth I have been working to heal.
What is so wrong with me that I am not in a relationship, and he is?
I have been working incredibly hard and diligently at healing my wounds, and yet he is with someone.
I feel like I got left behind again.
But I didn't. This has nothing to do with him. Not really. This is all on me. (And I am thankful to know he gets that.)
It echoes for me the feelings that say I am not lovable because I am not in a relationship with a man who loves and accepts me and he has found that (at least I imagine so.)
For him- I wish so much good. I love, love, love this man though I am not in love with him anymore.I know he has the same love for me - that's the beautiful part of it all, recognizing that in each other. I want for him to be happy and to be with a women who fits him and be for him what I always wanted to be, but am not destined to be. I long for the day when we can be real friends, laughing over silly things like people do when they know each other well and care. I look forward to the day when seeing him and hearing his voice does not make me react from the place of the wounded girl. I want to make peace with the hurt- to let it go. To allow the teenage girl who was abandoned by her father a chance to know real love-ablity. I look forward to the day when I am not working so hard on this dark spot in my bright soul. I long for the day when I can love my whole self with a man who does too.
So in honor of Mercury, I am digging deeper- further than I have ever gone to scoop out the broken bits. I have started to write down everything I am angry about in regards to the three men who have hurt me most in my life- D., my father, and my grandfather. I write down the things I am angry at myself for. All the hurt, frustration and agony I have allowed to grow. I write these words, and place them in a little black box. Through the ritual of ceremony, I plan to burn the box and let it all go. Up into the sky, to the heavens, to the stars for God to take into his being and hold for me. To fashion something new and lovely out of the pain I have endured. No more. I want 2011 to be a year of magic, possibility and at long last, true love.
Let it begin.
This week, I will be decorating the Magic Cottage for Christmas. I am really hoping to get everything photographed and have a home tour for you soon. Promise. :)
Happy reflecting, dear reader. From great change, comes great possibility.
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