small things

It truly is the small things in my life that help me along.

I love going for my daily run/walk at night. Just after sun has gone down. It's quiet here in my neighborhood. I love to look at all of the houses tucked in the street, with their warm lights glowing. I like to wonder about the inhabitants. Do they love their home? What are they making for dinner? Are they happy with their life choices to date? What would they do differently? What is their greatest joy?

I love the smell of the wind, as it blows on through the trees, and the tendrils of hair that come loose from my pony tail.

I love the feeling of being all by myself, accomplishing this small goal, one step at a time. It's me. Just me. No one else can do this thing I want to do.

I love walking up the drive, to see my little house, warm lights glowing in the window. And someone waiting anxiously for me to come though the front door, for cuddles.

What Happens in Wheeler, Stays in Wheeler

Back from my Girl's weekend in Wheeler and surrounding areas of Nehalem and Manzanita. It was exactly what I needed- to get out of town and not be consumed with any other thoughts except what are we going to do next?

I did a whole lot of nothing.

Highlights include:
enjoying some perfectly cooked bacon at Wanda's
Kayaking on Wheeler Bay
shopping at the eclectic stores from Wheeler to Cannon Beach
GIANT BURGER HEAVEN complete with tots at the Sand Dune Pub in Manzannita. I even had a MOnkey Face Porter to complete the experience. Orgasmic.
Buying matching mood rings with the girls, serving as a symbol of a united powerful friendship bond
tide pool exploration at Cannon Beach
sleeping. (our first night there we partied so hard, we all passed out by 9:27pm.)
pulled pork sandwiches by way of Jessica and Kristin's crock pot.
Bad Girls.
Grapefruit

There were countless inside jokes born of conversations and outright girl silliness, and new nicknames christened. Oh my girls- Jessica, Kristin (the birthday girl we were celebrating) and Belinda - what awesome friends I have.
Thanks for being my fellow 4 Way Treats, for not making fun of me for throwing up pulled pork at 1:42am, helping me to laugh myself back to who I am, and helping find my paddling rhythm, crack my back, and enable me with peanut butter ice cream on a waffle cone. You are all bright shiny stars in my sky. Love ya.

rockin' my world

My friend Christina*, the brilliant masseuse, came over last night to give me a long awaitined hot stone massage. It was so amazing. Actually that doesn't even really do it justice. It was beyond. Its such a simple thing to let our selves be vulnerable and touched, thoguh we find it hard in our busy lives, more often than not, to make time for it. This is something that needs to be ingrained in us, because it helps us to accept who are- all of it- the perfect and the imperfect. Allowing our bodies to just be the center of our attention in such a kind way.

I am finding how important it is that we do kind things for our bodies, because it does the soul so much good. I am working on being present in my skin and feeling whatever comes up for me about it. The goal is to be comfortable in this skin, even as it shifts and changes, because its the only one I have in this life. I'd like to take care of it and help it to be amazing at every level.

All around us we are bombarded with images of "how we are supposed to look". The pages in magazines glisten back at us, mocking us." Oh what, you aren't a size zero with legs up to there and a rack you could eat dinner off of? Well, then you're useless. You'll never be worth anything." That is a false belief, that sadly to many women (and guys too) take on as their mantras.

There is a perfect balance, so they say, of brains and beauty. It's not about haveing a phd and a 21 inch waist per say. I think its more about being smart enough to know, own and live our true beauty everyday. Maya Angelou had it right.

Phenomenal Woman
Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.
I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size
But when I start to tell them,
They think I'm telling lies.
I say,
It's in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please,
And to a man,
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees.
Then they swarm around me,
A hive of honey bees.
I say,
It's the fire in my eyes,
And the flash of my teeth,
The swing in my waist,
And the joy in my feet.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me.
They try so much
But they can't touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them
They say they still can't see.
I say,
It's in the arch of my back,
The sun of my smile,
The ride of my breasts,
The grace of my style.
I'm a woman

Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Now you understand
Just why my head's not bowed.
I don't shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say,
It's in the click of my heels,
The bend of my hair,
the palm of my hand,
The need of my care,
'Cause I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

My smaller self and Ganesh

From Wikipedia:
"Ganesha is widely revered as the Remover of Obstacles[10] and more generally as Lord of Beginnings and Lord of Obstacles (Vighnesha, Vighneshvara),[11] patron of arts and sciences, and the deva of intellect and wisdom."


"Ganesha is Vighneshvara or Vighnaraja, the Lord of Obstacles, both of a material and spiritual order.[82] He is popularly worshipped as a remover of obstacles, though traditionally he also places obstacles in the path of those who need to be checked. Paul Courtright says that "his task in the divine scheme of things, his dharma, is to place and remove obstacles. It is his particular territory, the reason for his creation."


My friend the masseuse, Christina, recently returned from a trip to India. With her she brought back many gifts, both tangible and unseen by the human eye. One of which was an image of Ganesh. She offered it to me randomly one day at the place we work. I picked one very similar to the picture above. I was aware that I was supposed to have this image of Ganesh and that this was not a random happening after all. I am not too familiar with this particular deity. Later in the day I asked Christina what he symbolizes. " He is the remover of obstacles" she said. Aha! Of course. 2010 is my year for doing that very thing.
Old relationship patterns, beliefs, weight, physical stuff- all the while paving the way to my highest good.

Yesterday, I went for a walk/run in my neighborhood. I love it here. The smells and sounds. The sights. Breathing in the fresh air. Halfway through my walk, I was joined my a higher version of myself- my smaller self. Suddenly out of no where she appeared to me smiling. She has dark hair, pulled back into a bouncy pony tail. Her face is leaner, though still round. Her eyes sparkly. She was petite. Couldn't have weighed more than 130. Curvy. Subtly pronounced biceps. She was wearing a tight pink sleeveless running tank top. Black cropped running pants, and arm band with our pink ipod and the same pink and gray Nike's as myself. At first I didn't realize I was looking at a future vision of myself, until she smiled. "Oh! There you are! " I said. " I wondered what you looked like." She ran alongside me the rest of my 40 minutes outside.

"You can do this. We can do this." my smaller self stated. She ran with me again today. As we were walking up the steep driveway home, she reminded me again that we are the same person. And as I walked up to my door and into the house, we united back into one body- ours.

If I believed in mistakes...

then last week I might have made one.
Rarely do I take an action I later regret.
Recently, I made a choice to do something that may have very well resulted in a backfiring. Actually, I know it did. Just because I am intuitively plugged in, I realized, does not mean that everything is as solid as I expect it to be. At the same time, I trust that everything that happens, happens the way it is supposed to, pushing us all towards our greater goods in life.

I have a policy for myself, not to do readings for people I am really close to or as this latest experience has shown me- have crushes on, as its majorly conflicting for me. How do I trust the info is totally separated from my own feelings on a situation or person? In a recent turn of events, I reconnected with a dormant crush and read for him. His guides were very insistent I do so. Looking back, maybe the guides I felt pushing me and yelling at me, weren't his, but mine. Perhaps the reading was more for my benefit, though everything I relayed to him is powerful and he needed to hear it, I am sure. Of that, I am most certain.
But maybe I needed to have this experience so that I could let go of this crush. He was the very last one, on the horizon of my Hopeful Relationship Possibilities and Fantasies. You know the beach I am talking about, right? Of course you do. We all have visited there from time to time. It feels kind of lonely when there isn't anyone on the horizon and we become far more aware of our own vulnerabilities and fears. I did say recently, that I felt like a sponge- squeezing out all traces of old relationship patterns. Boy, was this one a doozy because I was blind sided by it. Psychic Intuition be damned.
This recent backfiring of a vision, has me feeling a little lonely out here on the beach. And yet, I know it has to be clear so that when the person I truly am supposed to be with shows up- there won't be any confusion or hesitation on my part. Having cleaned up my space, it should be welcoming and comfortable.

Now I am left to sift through the ashes of what I may very well have burned with the last long-carried torch. Sending out nothing but love, good vibes, and hope for a beautiful life for my Last Crush. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little sad that the possibility I saw, isn't to be. It looked great- felt great and had the potential to go the distance. Possibilities shift and change as we make choices in life. Nothing, nothing is written in stone. I am processing him much more quickly than the others, and at least there is tangible progress evident there. And for what it's worth, well... I learned a lot. I hope he did too.

This one is for Mom

Look what I did!!!!



Mom, our coloring just got more similar.



Do I love it? Oh yes I do!! Why did I resist so long?
It's a whole new Paula. :)


Other stuff:

- Allergy meds finally kicked in today. I can be outside and breath. It is such a miracle.
-I started this thing called "Soul Coaching". Its a book a co-worker gave me, after she heard me talking about my 2010 Plan of Action. Its right in line with what i want for myself. Its digging deep to clean out the emotional clutter both in the head and mind as well as in the home. Its a 28 day program, working with the 4 different elements- Air, Water, Fire, Earth. Lots of journaling. Today- I cleaned out my car and detailed it. It feels sooooooo awesome to drive a clean car. I get so busy I forget how important that is to me. I have cleaned out my closet, given stuff away. I actually have an empty drawer in my dresser. And ya know what? I like it. Its a drawer for possibilities. I also took 5 minutes to tidy up the area in front of my house- the front flower bed. I raked up all the dead leaves and that feels nice too. Now i just need to get rid of the fire pit that isn't mine....

- I had to drive out to my chiropractor in Orenco Station and I took the very long way home, avoiding traffic on the freeway. I wound my way through old neighborhoods and streets. - places where I have lived or have a memory. The sun was shining and I even opened the sun roof. It turned out to be a really good day for a drive.

- I had 4 1/2 vials of blood drawn today. I had to fast too. Dr. B wants to retest all of my hormone levels and see how things might need to be adjusted. I feel stuck - like something needs to be tweaked. I also lost 12 lbs last month!!! Which may not seem like a lot for most people, but for me- thats huge! I can feel when my hormones turn sluggish. I am reminded that the work I am doing - lightening the load both physically and emotionally is happening. Tangible forward movement. Let's carry on with that, shall we?

- next Tuesday I am having my first therapy session in a couple of years. Part of becoming my smaller self means looking at the emotions that are connected. I feel like its at a cellular level. She is an intuitive therapist- which is what I have been looking for- someone who can help me with my own intuitive blocks as well as understand my particular gifts. That same day, I am having a hot stone massage by my friend Christina. She is soooo amazing. And she comes to my house to do it! How awesome is that? Massage is part of my body image work- allowing myself to be in my skin and experience it more joyously. It feels really divine.

All in all, I really feel like I am coming into my own- in ways that are quite unexpected and welcome.
And....well.... that's all I got right now. Time to do the dishes, dinner, and clean house for my client coming tomorrow. If I write anymore, I'll only perpetuate the procrastination. If I put on Bridget Jones Diary while I clean, I will be more concerned with Mr. Darcy than what needs to be done around here. Oh! Mr. Darcy!!!

nothing better than the real thing

allergies kicking my ass.
Stupid generic rite-aid zyrtec not working.
Going to go and get the real thing today.
Should never settle for less than the real thing, baby.

back to bed.....