Home Sweet Home

I made it!
My plane touched down from LAX this morning to PDX at 8am. My good friend Malinda picked me up. I mentally kissed the ground when I stepped onto the tarmac.

It seems that no matter where I go or how long I am gone, I am always so very, very happy to be home. My eyes never fail to get misty as my plane gets closer to landing. I make out familiar land marks- the st. john's bridge, Rocky Butte, the river.

My heart swells with pride and gratitude as the pilot engages the brakes on the runway. I made it home again.

Malinda and I went to breakfast and then to Ikea because she needed a few things. Then I came home and was greeted by Ellie. We have then spent the whole day on the couch snuggling, watching 4 different movies. She missed me and won't let me out of her sight. I missed her too. Its wonderful to have someone to come home to who missed me as much as I missed them.

Off to bed soon. I have been up since 3:45am this morning. Oh vay!

I am going to lay low the next couple of days, keeping to myself. Unpacking, sleeping, relaxing and soaking up the last bits of my vacation time. I know some of you are anxious to hear from me, and I ask that you let me get acclimated back into the world at my own pace. I will be in touch.( If there is an emergency, do definitely let me know.)
Sending you all my love!

Adios, Mexico!

It's Tuesday.
I am the last one of our party to leave. Everyone else left yesterday.

I am feeling slightly vulnerable, all alone. Without a workign cell phone or computer.

This is where I get anxious. Before the flight. Once I step foot into the airport, I am golden. No worries. Its' the anticipation leading up to it.

I feel anxious. I want to leave. While I have a had a wonderful week here, I am so very much looking forward to home.
To my own bed.
To snuggling with my cat.
Driving my car.
Eating food that doesn't make me sick.
Hot water with decent water pressure in the shower.


I am also really thankful for this whole experience. Meeting new people, learning so much about myself and another place and culture.
Flexing my independence.
Relaxing.
Finding bits of myself that had gotten lost along the way.

I feel really good.

Just want to get on the plane and be home.
Because there is no place like home.

Adios Mexico.
Via con Dios!

In-N-Out LAX

cab fare from Radisson LAX to In-N-Out Burger $17.85
In-N-Out cheeseburger(Animal Style) with fries & chocolate milkshake-$5.87
sleeping in a Sleep number bed at the Radisson LAX $89.00 = tax

Showering with American, albeit LA water and watching some bad tv before my 4:30 am shuttle ride to catch the last flight home=priceless. F'ing priceless.


There is no place like home.

To be continued.

Found

I found something in Mexico.
It's something that I have ben wanting for a long time, and has illuded me since the tender age of 10.

Drum roll please......

Can you see it?

My new and improved body confidence!!!
Yep.
I have been walking all over town in my tankini and cover up. Swimming in the ocean.
Body boarding.
Horse back riding.
Tan (uh.. sunburnt lightly. Those are aloe leaves on my skin in the above picture.)

Walking to the village to restaurants and various villas and hotels in the village everyday. Thats 2 - 3 miles EVERY day.


And my legs feel strong and I love to look at them. I am turned on by my own legs! Is that weird? Shorty loves her legs!!!!!!! Yay!!!!!


Sexy.
I feel good in this body.
I haven't been eating too much, cause I am just not that hungry- the heat has shrunk my appetite.
I feel whole and a comfort that I have not known since i was a kid.

I feel dead sexy, ya'll.

I also haven't worn a bra in almost two weeks and I am in no hurry to put one back on. I feel free and easy and so.....fluid....

Considering that it seems like there has been an endless sea of beautiful, toned, fit, goddess like women in my presence, it speaks volumes to my soul that I feel this way here, in this place. I feel like a goddess too.

It was exactly what I needed. I can't wait to take that home. Go shopping. Get dressed up. Go for a run. Sun salutations. Smile. work it.





Thank you Mexico.

Faith

Currently, I find myself in the open living room here at Casa Delfin. It's close to sunset. I have spent the day after meeting up with Kelly, Todd & company at Mi Casa for brunch (and finally a pina colada!), doing exactly what I want: nothing.

Well, not nothing, exactly.

Nothing consisted of this:


Beach time




yes, in the Magic Hammock. Again. Seriously. I could be quite happy here.


I have been surrounded this week by loving couples, made up of awesome men and the strong, beautiful women they cherish. It is refreshing to see that. And dear reader, I needed to see that. Because I will confess that I have moments of doubt. Yes, I have faith that there is a lid for every pot. Truly I do....and sometimes doubt creeps in and I wonder if I'll ever really find mine.

Could he really be out there. Could we be, as Kelly and Todd so aptly spoke in their ceremony,
"...apart, yet connected in our ignorance of each other, like two apples sharing a common tree"?

I am, oddly enough, in this hammock I am reading books that all have the topic of marriage in them in some way or another. That wasn't totally planned, and has none the less set me thinking intensely on the subject.

Today, I have been reading "Mr. and Mrs. Fitzwilliam Darcy". You'll have to forgive me here, as I developed a very dear love for Jane Austen in high school, and subsequently, Bridget Jones, and Colin Firth in well... anything, but especially as either Fitzwilliam Darcy or Mark Darcy. Mr. Darcy has long symbolized for me, the sort of man I most wanted to be in partnership with. The struggles of coming together, having to be overcome by the pride and prejudices we each feel. Ultimately, ending in the perfect match for each.

Yes, I realize its just a story. I am a hopeless romantic with a teenaged girl's dreams secreted inside. Once upon a time, I even thought I had most certainly glimpsed my own Mr. Darcy. But alas, I was wrong. Because if I had, he would have let me know. Instead, there is only silence which I interpreted as a buzzer answering "WRONG!!!!!". *sigh*

So, I sit here, on this sofa, listening to the kids splash in the pool, and Sting sing on the radio about losing his faith, and wonder....

Is HE really out there? Seeing my friends together in this incredible relationships brings some hope. It must be possible. It must be. These women are so fantastic and the men see it- they see all of it. They love them with so much conviction, and as a result, though I am sure these relationships are not perfect, I am so inspired by observing the way these people love each other. Unconditionally, with total acceptance. Wow. Nice to finally see that in action.

too much time in the hammock today, friends.....tooo much....

Bad Poetry in Mexico

"Writing Bad Poetry in Mexico"

not quite heartbroken
wasn't quite in love
but somewhere between wistful longing and
self-assured faith
enough for me too,

is me, in Mexico, writing bad poetry

Someday
I'd like to write great poetry in my own backyard

Wedding Day

My day began leisurely. I wanted some time to myself, to heal (as Montezuma had had his is revenge a bit the previous day) before I was "on" wedding planner/ officiant mode. So I woke and showered around 8am and layed out in my Magic Hammock for an hour or two, reading all about Lizzy and her William. I sighed heavily, pulled myself out of the hammock, and went in to spend some time fixin' myself up pretty.

I had no sooner, run a comb through my hair, when I heard the bride's mom and sister calling for me in the courtyard. It was only noon, and I wasn't due at the villa until 2pm. They had come on behalf of the bride, who was summoning me early.

I gathered my outfit, make-up and all the necessities and we went. I know my presence on site was probably a soothing balm, and what was most needed. There wasn't much for me to do on arrival, so I painted my toenails a sparkly light blue by the pool, as the men worked to set up the wedding. It was the most calm and serene atmosphere. Usually it's a frenzy of activity and I am caught up in the middle of it, day of the event. And while I was plenty busy when it was time, the pace was slowed immensely. I enjoyed that slow build up very much.




It was during this time that an iguana was found swimming in the pool and had to be plucked out. That's Mexico....

It was warm. Everyone glistened in excitement for sunset. Pictures were taken.



Rueban on spanish guitar. Yours truly at the altar, ceremony in hand.


Bridesmaids, groomsman, family, sunset. Ocean as witness.


Here comes the bride!




The bride looked "amazeeen". So did the groom. In the most heartfelt ceremony I have ever had the honor of officiating, we were all moved to tears. I stood between the two of them as they spoke their promises and proclaimed their love to one another. I felt so unbelievable privileged. This is what love is. It moves us to want to commit in the sharing of all that we were, are and will be to one another and make a life of our separate parts, together. I was beyond moved and had to remind myself to keep my composure, being the officiant and all.



Once the kiss sealed the deal, they took the newlywed glow to the reception. There was toasting of such deep and genuine felicity by most and love from all. The food was delish, the stars aligned, and the moon shone it's blessing to the lovers now wed.

*sigh*

What a lovely wedding day. I walked home by myself, the moon and ocean my companions, falling into bed thoroughly exhausted.

Dancing in the Moonlight

Last night was the bachelorette's last night as a single girl.
All of the women in our group celebrated this gorgeous woman by dancing into the night at the Burro Baracho here in Troncones.


Mothers, grandmothers, aunts, cousins, sister, and friends shook their groove thangs in the hot humid night. And that included me. When I woke up this morning, my feet were swollen from dancing barefoot on the bare concrete floor. Ay carrumba!










OH Joe! Work it!

During the evening, I took a time out and walked down to the water. I wanted to cool my body with the smell and sensation of the sea. And ease the pain of that obscure blisters my Chaco's had left me from walking the village road. Under a bright moon, I danced a duet with the Ocean to Madonna's "Holiday". I could almost feel my Dad there with me too, smiling at his lovely, independent, laughing eldest daughter to the artist that began it all for her, so many years ago. I could feel how proud he is of me, "brave girl I am to be traipsing off in the world". I felt really connected to everything in those moments.


I wasn't drunk off alcohol, and yet I was definitely feeling the effects of intoxication. With life that is.

Message on the Breeze, just for me.....

"Go forward with an open heart, knowing that you are always supported.
Trust that you are already taken care of.
Fear less.
Do not let fear keep you from joy."

Magic Hammock

Here I am.
In a hammock.
on the beach.
in Mexico.
by myself.




I really do love traveling solo. It's the only way I know how, really.
the delicious luxury of doing what I want when I want.
Beholden to no one.
Makes me feel fearless.
Welcomed by the world.
Embracing my singleness, and being totally 100% myself.



I have finally given in to the fact that I will have no communication to the outside world, while i am here. I am a little miffed at TMobile, because I paid for the service to work here, and was told it would. And it's not. I will be calling them with some strong words when I get home. My laptop just isn't picking up the wifi signal here. I am surrendering and taking it as a sign that I need to totally disconnect fro my greatest good. *sigh*

so ....here I am.

What brings me to Mexico?
Kelly & Todd do.
So that I can marry them and they can say their I do's.
Today is Weds. The wedding is Friday.
There are 38 of us gathered from far and wide for this big event.
We have descended upon this little village of Troncones for the week.

Troncones is the real deal- the real Mexico. A village snuggled on the beach.
I am staying at the Casa Delfin Sonreinte. It's lovely here. One of the owners, Glen is up from California for the week. The inn keepers, Alrberto & Maria are so welcoming and warm. The hospitality is so wonderful.


There is a pool and a horse shoe pit.


And my most favorite place, the shaded hammock area, on the beach.

It's quiet with the roar of the ocean to soothe, and the swing of the hammock to lull me into a relaxed state as I read and write.

It's heaven, here in this hammock. Magical.



There goes an iguana on the beach.



So glad I came.

mexico madness

Well.. I am here.
And nothing works.
I am typing now on another guests MAC. She is from Seattle and oddly enough it seems there are a lot of people in this tiny village visiting form there.

My phone doesn't work...it just says "searching"... how ironic. As it seems to be what I have been doing my whole life....
Anyhoo, so no signal on my MAC. But on this one! Why!!!! Maybe it's finally time ot seriously consider getting a new laptop. Going to take it down to kelly and todd's villa in a bit and try there. perhaps there will be some tech savvy folks there to help me figure it out.

Mexico is lovely. The roar of the ocean lulls me to sleep (along with the air conditioners). Mexico feels very much like I imagine my own birthplace was in its beginning- the wild wild west- tropical edition. Its in the mid 80's, pleasantly humid and gorgeous.
I am staying at a place called Casa Delfin Sonriente ( the smiling dolphin) and i'll post pictures later....its kind of like camping.

On the beach, free lovely breakfast every day and the other guests and the caretakers are all kind and welcoming.

Last night at the ol' Burro Barracho, things got a little wild. I was in no mood to participate in the madness, as I was running on 4 hours sleep and airplane food. I am sure there will be more to tell later. iT'S GOING TO BE AN INTERESTING WEEK!


Wish you all were here....

xoxoxo
Paula Lu

A whirlwind of a week

Here is my schedule for the week:
9/23/10-5:45pm meet and greet cocktail party at the Casa de la Sirena (wedding site and villa couple's family has rented out)
Late night dinner at Burro Barracho

3/25/10- 5pm- when eva..... Bachelorette party at Burro Barracho for drinks, dinner, and dancing

3/26/10- 5:30pm wedding at sunset; reception to follow

3/27/10- Farewell Brunch at Mi Casa Su Casa

3/28/10-beach/pool/hammock time

3/29/10- see above

3/30/10- depart Mexico for LA; In-N-Out burger

3/31/10- early morning flight home to Portland; relaxation; napping, movies, cuddling with Ellie

I don't go back to work until Easter Sunday, and until then, I plan to lay low, relax, maybe see a movie, celebrate my brother's birthday.

Good plan!

Little Epiphanies Everywhere

As an intuitive, I get information all of the time about people, the energy of buildings, people who have crossed over etc. It's a common misconception that because a person is psychic- they are able to see into their own lives and know exactly what is coming there way or how things will turn out. Sadly, it just doesn't work that way because my own emotional expectations and ties to situations and people can color information I "see".
But occasionally, a little morsel of insight will peek through clearly enough for me to see it. Today was one of those days.

There were little Epiphanies everywhere.

1.) Standing in line to pay for my Luna bar: I was thinking about the times in my life where I was really poor- so poor I didn't have two Chuck E. Cheese tokens to rub together. And yet, I would step forward into my day, in great faith, knowing that somehow I would be taken care of. And sure enough I would be. A reimbursement check would show up in my mailbox in the exact amount I needed to put gas in my car and buy some groceries. A friend would invite me over for dinner spontaneously. I find some money in the laundry. Or magically I would be able to create delicious meals from my pantry -(my cooking has always been self-labeled as experimental- traditional- bachelorette fare...). That is what I would call a small miracle. So what if I aimed to trust my faith on a bigger leap, as if all of the smaller miracles added up to big practice and proof ? What if I left my retail job to work for myself???!!!!! Hmmmmmm...

2.)thinking about the similarities between my brother and my relationship patterns, I suddenly became very aware of how he and I were programmed to be magnets for ill fitting relationships of one of the worst kind- unrequited love.

If they are not interested in me, I am definitely interested in them.
Emotionally unavailable? Even better.
Lacking self- confidence? That's my specialty.
Baggage still painfully and obviously unresolved from past relationship(s)? Yeah , Baby!

I will obsess, and pine and find a way to make it work, to consistantly attempt to awaken desire that has yet to be realized for me.

"Oh little, Paula. You know better. You advise people regularly on this situation. And yet, you have been so disconnected from your own behaviors, from this angle.

Stop. Drop Cupid's arrow, and run, don't walk into your therapist's office. Do not enter into a relationship until you are confident you will not relapse into choices leading to another unrequited love. I know, it's difficult when there hasn't been a model to follow in your family and you long to experience the joys and challenges being in a loving relationship brings.... Trust me when I say this is pattern worth breaking and you and your brother WILL do it. Don't look back and have gratitude for all you have learned. "

"Don't settle for a boyfriend- demand a MANfriend."

3.) driving home tonight: less resistance; more acceptance.
There is so much I resist in my head and heart at times. I resist the idea that I can be 50 lbs lighter because I have never been a size 8. I resist the idea that I am talented.I resist the idea a man could totally and completely love me for all that I am and want me. I resist my own great power. That is exhausting, not to mention futile.

Why not try accepting more?

Accept the me I am right now. Accept my behaviors and patterns. Accept where I came from. Accept my right to choose to change. Accept others, especially when they reject you. Accept your eccentricity and mild craziness.

After all, these are the things that make up who I am. The people in my life who love and adore me accept me just the way I am, why not me too?


"Look inside your heart and I'll look inside mine."

it's my life

"this path, this road that is one perfect straight line even if it goes around the world through heat and fog and rain and snow and it's my life I keep thinking. It's my life." ~Deborah Keenan, from "Small History"

Bring Me A HIgher Love, Please...

A little sugar in my bowl.
something sweet to sweep me off my feet.
An self- generated, expanded love that spills out from my heart space and meet's his in the middle.
A love that says " I like you just as you are, even when you are wearing THAT."
one that is intoxicating and sobering all at once.
A higher love that lifts and inspires, even when it is difficult.

I choose it.


Bring it on.


Think about it
there must be higher love
Down in the heart or hidden in the stars above.
Without it life is wasted time

Look inside your heart
I'll look inside mine.

Things look so bad everywhere in this whole world

what is fair?
We walk blind and we try to see

falling behind in what could be.
Bring me a higher love
bring me a higher love

Bring me a higher love -
where's that higher love I keep thinking of?

World's are turning and we're just hanging on

Facing our fear and standing out there alone.
A yearning
and it's real to me

There must be someone who's feeling for me.

Things look so bad everywhere in this whole world

what is fair?
We walk blind and we try to see

falling behind in what could be.
Bring me a higher love
bring me a higher love

Bring me a higher love - I could rise above on a higher love !

I will wait for it
I'm not too late for it.
Until then I'll sing my song to cheer the night along.

I could light the night up with my soul on fire

I could make the sun shine from pure desire.
Let me feel that love come over me

let me feel how strong it could be !
Bring me a higher love !

I couldn't tell ya where it went

My weekend that is....

Seems like I was just celebrating my Friday night and now I am headed to bed remembering that I have an early day tomorrow.
I'd like to start with a run and some yoga.
I'd like to make breakfast, but that will be hard because I neglected grocery shopping somehow amongst all of the errands I ran. Hmmph. Must remember to pick up a few things after work tomorrow.
Highlights included:
Walk/run with my BFF at Mt. Tabor park
breakfast at Helser's with my buddy Karin
shopping for babies
lunch solo at Pho'
therapy session with my awesome intuitive therapist
a clean apartment
re-watching " I heart Huckabees"
12 hours of sleep last night
working on on a self-portrait for therapy

Crossing things off my list feels good. For once, I actually got all done. It's because I am learning not to be unrealistic about what I can actually get done in the amount of time I have to do it. And that feels good.

Ellie is getting restless. I am getting sleepy. Of to Dreamland now...

Real Women Have Curves

I love America Ferrara.
Brave and real.
Yes, women are beautiful in all shapes and sizes.
Watch this link on you tube:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JLeZ17B8o9k

One Woman Show

*Taps mic*
"Is this thing on? Hello ??!!".....
Sometimes I feel like I am talking to an empty room.
Or maybe it's an auditorium, but the stage lights prevent me from seeing who is creeping in to hear what i have to say in my one woman show.
I am, in the end, just myself.
I choose my choices.
I live this life.
I create the drama.
I manifest the happiness.
I cultivate the relationships.
I reap what I sew.
I sew sloppily.
I give it all I got.
I do the best I can.
I live with as much integrity as possible.
I stand for the freedom to be who you are- who I am.
I judge from my ego.
I let go when I think it no longer serves me.
I fuck things up sometimes.
I understand that I can't really fuck anything up because all happens as it needs to.
I am done choosing men who don't want the awesomeness that is me. If that can't see it, they don't deserve it,
I am worthy of all things beautiful and true.

How about you?