Let's Talk About Sex

Got your attention, didn't I? Ha ha ha. Sex sells people. It always will.

But, I'm not selling anything- I'll give you my truth for free. And this truth is about sex. In keeping with this month's first Dare to Bare- " Be True To Myself", I am looking deeply, curiously, and unabashedly at all parts of myself in order to uncover where I am not being truthful. The first place on our map of destinations is my 2nd chakra, home of sexuality and creativity. These two things go hand in hand, if you think about it. Creativity will have to be a topic for another time. I said I was going balls to the wall (that actually has nothing to do with sex, btw- its an expression pilots use pertaining to flying. But ya know, if you're like me you also appreciate a good innuendo). Being vulnerable means getting down to the nitty-gritty and shining light on it, so that it no longer lives in the dark.
(Mom, Grandma- you may want to skip reading this post altogether. :) You have been warned!)



Today, I want to talk about sex.
I am about to get really vulnerable and talk about sex.
More specifically, my own sexuality and love life.
Or lack there of.

*deep breath*

So here's the first bomb- I'll just drop it and get out of the way, and into the very public and open space that is BlogLand....



I haven't had sex in two years.
Yep.
Uh-huh.
Yes.
Two years.
Count them- one, two.
no sex for dos anos.
mmmhmmm...


www.saharamet.com

The first question you must surely have is "How can you do that? I can't go (insert amount of time) without sex."

Being without sex hasn't always been easy. It hasn't always been hard either.(Insert joke here). I certainly didn't think I would be celibate for as long as I have been-it just kind of happened. After my last relationship, I was left feeling pretty gutted. 50% of the responsibility of inflicting that wound, I put on myself. The last 4 years that I have been single, I have put myself back together and done some introspective healing. The majority of my recovery time left me feeling quite vulnerable and defensive. Over the course of the last 2 years, I had offers- I just choose to pass them up. Also, along the way, though rare, where occasions where I actually felt attracted to a few guys I became acquainted with. Looking back, I am grateful it never went anywhere, because what I was attracted to was their unavailability. It was a lot easier to play it safe, when I was more likely to be rejected than accepted.



I faced the truth this week and it is this: I haven't had sex in 2 years because I am afraid of myself. More specifically- I am afraid of being vulnerable enough to let a guy in to see the more intimate parts of who I am. I am terrified that if I let a guy in close enough to have sex with me- I'll be deeply wounded again.I had to take responsibility and own that the lack of nookie in my life was mostly because I had almost completely shut down to the opposite sex. Other issues around body image & worthiness tried to creep in, but I know those root back to the main truth.

What stops me from shutting down sexually totally (and thankfully so), is the fact that I am a very sexual person. I am usually the first one to think a dirty thought when someone leaves a comment wide open for interpretation. As an intuitive, I am tuned into the Sex Channel which means that I often glimpse intimate, sexual moments of people at random. Sex is something that, in most aspects, I am very comfortable with. Except, it would seem, when it comes to getting some of it myself. That needs to change. I need to get laid. Not just for the sake of ending a dry spell in my life, but to allow myself the gift of passion. To share in those feelings that make you feel alive when you are connecting so deeply, authentically and pleasurably with a trusted lover. The fact that I am not getting any, doesn't mean I'm not human and don't have needs. Hell yeah I do! I love sex. A lot. And when I am in a relationship-I want to have it-a lot.
I'm not the kind of girl who is good at the "Wham, bam, thank you Sir" kind of interaction. Not that I haven't tried. When I have indulged in that behavior, it usually leaves me feeling less than what I went in for. The bottom line: life is too short for crappy sex. What I know about me is that in order to enjoy sex with a guy, I have to feel an intense connection to him instantly. If it's not there- I don't care how hot, funny, successful, kind, talented, or smart you are- I can't fake the kind of chemistry I require. I don't want to fake anything when it comes to sexy time.Ever. The attraction needs to be fully present, mutual and genuine. That is what turns me on the most.



In my opinion, sex only starts to get good once you know someone better. All of those little personality quirks serve as extra stimuli. Which is why one can be sitting across the table from someone one is intensely attracted too, and want to jump them because the of way they said the words "Battlestar Galactica". (Conversely, these words can also, in the right set of circumstances, be what makes one run screaming in the other direction. Just sayin.)



Human sexuality is a fascinating subject, wouldn't you agree? One might observe that we are driven by our biology as well as our emotions, when it comes to the having of sexy time. We are curious, by default, about who is having sex with whom, who isn't having it with whom,and how much sex we could/should/would have. We compare and contrast our own sex lives with people we meet, subconsciously. There is a desire to be accepted as "normal", and media and pop culture would have us believe that "normal" is getting down with the horizontal mambo like rabbits do. Biology equips us with hard wiring to think about sex, and again the media and our culture perpetuate this phenomenon (guys- don't be fooled- women think about sex just as much as you do, if not more sometimes). In fact, everything we do- is driven by the hopeful possibility to share in carnal knowledge every waking minute of the day.
Brushing your teeth- who wants to make out with someone who has bad breath? Fresh breath is attractive and conducive to sexy time.
The car you drive? Its a little neon sign that reads " Hey Look at me! I have it going on! Wanna go for a ride?" (cars can also indicate what you DON'T have going on, if there is a pronounced insecurity...Just sayin').
The shirt your wearing? Does it match your eyes, or show off parts of your physique that you want to be noticed in order to be found attractive, which will lead to bumping uglies?
Yep.
Spot-on.
Think about all of the things you do in which you are putting up your "open for business time" sign up. Yep. We all do it to do It!



Or, we put out mixed signals.
I think that has been my problem the last couple of years. The closed signs have been up for longer than they needed to be. Suddenly, I have realized, it is time to reawaken. Wake up sleepy libido!Time is a- wasting! That being said, I am not desperate by any means. My intention is that by being vulnerable, I will shift the kinds of relationships that I attract into my life. Its time to come out and play! Now, I just need to attract in a guy who:
a.)finds me mutually attractive
b.)is emotionally available for a relationship
c.)who wants to have sexy time on the regular
d.)likes to have fun and can bring a sense of lightness and adventure into my world

I feel the need to make a side note regarding marriage and babies- yes, I do want these things someday. I am not in a big rush. If those events are meant to happen for me, they will. I trust that. I don't want to spend my time worrying about the what-if's. I want to live deliciously in the now!

In the now, I am 33. Many of you reading this, are very aware of what it means for a woman to be in her 30's- she is at the peak of her sexuality. It's a mountain the majority of us have been trying to summit for a at least a decade, if not more.



Reaching the top of that mountain, is such a reward. And oh how we desire to be rewarded!!! For many women in our thirties, those insecurities we carried about our bodies have given way to something much richer, riper, and randier. We no longer care as much (though we do still care a little) about what we look like when we are in the throes of passion. We care less about our _____ being too big/small/pale/jiggly- whatever. We, and I speak for most of us, though keeping mind we all have days where we just don't feel our best, enjoy getting down for the sake of getting down. We enjoy making love for how connected to our partners it makes us feel. We want to get it on for the joy and aliveness the Big O's bring us. "Making sweet love down by the fire" reminds us that we feel loved, confident, and empowered. We feel lucky to have gotten to the top of the mountain.



Bomb shell # 2- I was 22, barely 22, when I lost my virginity.
Oh, it was 11 years just last week! How time flies!) Back then, I waited for numerous reasons- though basically it was because I was sexually intimidated and scared at letting a guy get close to me ( that sounds a little familiar...hello childhood wounds and Daddy issues!) The guy who took my V- Card, was someone I had known for years. We were friends who flirted, i.e. sometimes made out, in a drunken stupor in front of our mutual friends- when he wasn't with his girlfriend, or current flavor of the month. I identified myself as " The Virgin" amongst our friends, then. That was my novelty. I was the last one to do the deed. True story.



In a sense, I feel like a born again virgin 11 years later. This time around, I actually am extremely sexually confident, playful, and easy-going. I have different hang-ups and am not nearly as inhibited as in my 20's. Thank the Sweet Baby Jesus. Can I get an Amen??? I am also not interested in dating an alcoholic-womanizing cad who is old enough to know better. In fact- I'd like to date someone my age, or younger to experience something else. I am curious to experience dating a guy who is on the same frequency as I am on. That is such a departure from all of the guys I usually date- them being 9- 12 years older than me. I am not sure what that looks like, and trust me when I say I will know it when I feel it.



Someday, I hope to have to have sex again. God knows its not a good sign when your doctor is highly suggesting you get busy, for your own sanity. True story. I got a little wired and out of control about a month ago due to an amazingly powerful and unexpected attraction to a guy I hardly know. I swear, there were moments when if he just looked at me the right/wrong way, I would have imploded! It was baaaaddd and I was kind of a wreck! I had reached the point where nothing- and I do mean NOTHING- was helping. My doctor was taking my pulse and asked me to stick out my tongue before an acupuncture session one day, when she said,
"Ok what is going on with you? Your heart is beating erratically. Your tongue is funky and your chi is out of whack."
I had been trying hard to conceal the storm raging inside me- my passion had been awakened and it did not know what to do with itself. The jig was up.Time to fess up and face the truth.
" Uh...wellll... I kind of have a raging crush on someone and I am conflicted, confused, and frustrated over it. I haven't been with anyone since my ex and I tried dating again a few years ago, and well... I feel like I am going a little insane!"
She and I had a great conversation about how sex ties into our health. She also counseled me about the raging crush situation, and gave some sage advice I am still chewing on. I felt better for saying things out loud, after internalizing them for weeks. It also became apparent that this new attraction, had sparked my hormones into overdrive after being dormant for too long. My doctor had to medicate me with additional supplements just so I could think and breathe. Thankfully, I am over that hump, as it were. For now. But hey - that could change any day, hopefully.It's looooonnngg overdue now. So bring it, Universe! Bring it ONNNNN!

Vulnerability leads to openness of heart (amongst other things) and that leads to intimacy which leads to Sweet, Sweet, Sexy Time with a guy I genuinely dig. He'll need to pursue me respectfully, playfully, and honestly. He'll be the kind of guy who will bring a sweetness, sensuality, and fun into my life. He will also be honored to know I "picked" him, and see that for the awesome gift it is.

And he will be handsomely rewarded. Hee hee heee.....


So there it is. More than you probably wanted to know about me. Its frightening for me to put this information about myself out here for people to read.Talking about my own sex life so freely here is a bit unnerving. The part of me that is scared, worries that I will be judged negatively, pitied or made to feel like a freak of nature. However, the timid parts of myself are being forced out of the driver's seat, and I am taking this show on the road. The point of this months dare is to be true to myself in a vulnerable way, afterall. I have most certainly begun that dare with this post. I wonder where this will lead....

It's all part of the journey- owning the truth about why I have denied myself for as long as I have and getting comfortable with feeling a bit rusty and awkward. It's like riding a bike though- you never forget- which is what I need to remember. Sex in and of itself, is a deeply personal journey of self-discovery and intimate communion. Sex is an on-going education with a life-long learning curve. It is powerful to embrace the knowledge that comes from learning about what turns you on, what doesn't, and where your heart fits into all of that. And great sex, in my humble opinion, should include the heart.
And sometimes, fuzzy handcuffs, if they are handy.

Is it just me, or is it it getting hot in here??