Dare to Bare #3- Take A Dance Class:Leapin' into The Belly

It's Leap Year Day today!
Whoo Hoo!
...I don't really know why I got excited there....


Tonight was my first Belly Dance Class. My teacher is really a groovy lady. She encourages a safe space to explore and learn. I dig her style.
I did not dig my style. Thoughts running through my head:

"These mirrors are not my friend".
"I am the only plump girl here."
"There are only 2 other students besides me..."
"I am not wearing a tank top for this class again".
"Wow. I did not know it could burn there".
"Wow. Is that a muscle under there? What a miracle".
"I am so stiff. I feel like a plastic plumpy doll."
"My boobs are huge."
"I can't tell if I am lifting my chest or not."
"jiggling is not always flattering"
"I am never going to get my brain to grasp this dance."
"I will definitely need to practice at home."
"I wish I could relax like a spaghetti noodle."
"be kind to yourself Paula. Never mind what you aren't liking. Close your eyes and feel the muscle isolation."

Its all a totally new way to experience and be aware of my body. I don't think 4 classes will be enough. Maybe I ought to increase my yoga and stretch.....

This is just what I needed, though I am not completely sure what exactly I am getting yet. Maybe it is that it is requiring me to focus attention on parts of my body I don't think about much, or too much. I am getting to know them intimately. What do they feel like when I move them. Isolating is hard for me because it requires so much concentration. Also, doing two physical actions at once is terribly disorienting.

If I could perfectly master just one of the dance moves, I would consider it a success...

I'm Not Falling For That Again

well hello 2:30am....
I woke with a start, a few minutes ago. Before I had fallen asleep, I had been meditating and asking for guidance around a situation to be given to me in my dreams.
I think I got it.
I don't like it.

Being psychic is not always easy. When it comes to my own life, I confuse my imagination with my intuition. They are closely linked generally speaking. Sometimes I read into the actions of others too much, and see what I want to see. I think I am intuiting information, when actually I am imagining it. Then I become defensive, and go out of my way to be non-reactive around that person/situation. That takes way more energy than it needs to and I don't want to be that way. Why can't it just be easier?


Is it this or that?
yes or no?
stop or go?
fast or slow?

You should know that I cannot read you as well as I can read others. So I haven't got a clue. If you want me to pick it up, you will have to spell it out for me. Because I am not falling for that again.

A Rabbit in My Throat

A reiki practitioner made me aware recently, of the bunny rabbit that resides in my throat chakra. Rabbit is about fear, and I found this intruguing because my first inclination was to defend myself, " I have fear around communicating? Have you read my blog??!! Hello? I lay it all out on the table for the world to see!"
But, Awwww.... Bunny Rabbit has defensive communication energy. Bingo.
Once I made that connection, I began to notice the ways in which I did communicate in a defensive manner. I have been doing it so long, that I wasn't even aware of it.

The story I tell myself, is one in which I make myself the hero by acknowledging my mistakes/flaws/shortcomings/mistakes first- quickly- before anyone else can do it. Then I can I also be the first to judge and criticize myself too- at lightening quick speed before anyone else has the chance to get a critical zinger in. Then in that space, I control the judgement- and no one, and I mean NO ONE, can judge me as harshly as I do! It's self-preservation, my Rabbit might argue. To never let anyone else criticize me as badly as I do assures that the outside world can't get in to hurt me. I am safe in my own hurt.


When I am in this space of defensive communication, running on fearful stories I tell myself, there is physical sensation in my body. Today, for instance, there is a heaviness around my heart, my brain feels like it is scrambling towards shame and then away from it and back again. It is hard to be clear- I want to have my "story straight". Captain Worry Wart is steering the ship and I feel helpless to change course.

All of this seems contradictory to the amplified energy I was feeling yesterday. I know better though. For me, when I am riding high- there is a low that is also present. They need each other to bring balance to my experience. I need to understand the fear that can sometimes accompany my joy, so that I can lesson its hold on me and invite more joy in. It is tempting to to mask and numb the fear, because it is painful. I am aware that the real key to letting it go, is to face it with compassion.

I found this article incredibly insighful and helpful. And I am applying the "be kind" mantra to my inclination towards defensive communication.
http://www.drangeladams.com/2010/11/the-benefits-of-facing-our-fears-with-compassion/

Some of the useful information I got out of the following article:

1.)asking myself "What am I believing right now?''
2.)acknowledge those thoughts as the story I am telling myself and to sense feelings of vulnerability in my body
3.)to check in with the fear, and ask what it wants; give it space to be heard
4.)to stay with the fear, hold it's hand, rub it's back in the way a mother would to soothe a crying baby.
5.)set aside the feelings of shame and make room for compassion, love and kindness of self. Sometimes I have to lay it on thick. 6.)I sit in my chair, and call on some of my spirit helpers to come and sit with me. I listen to the story fear is telling, and then I pause and allow the compassionate response to also be heard. Sometimes this happens quickly, sometimes it is hard to hear it- especially when the fear, or it's brother- anger, are raging. Usually, I can feel my inner energy as it softens, warms, and releases.
The rest- ia m still figuring out....

what you might become

"The most important thing to remember is this: To be ready at any moment to give up what you are for what you might become."
- W. E. B. Du Bois

Holy Toasted Marshmallows!

Today, I find myself buzzing with the most incredible energy. I have been reset and re-activated and it is making my head spin in a delightful way. I feel "en fuego" and ready to burn this fuel, letting myself be propelled forward into something I cannot even quite articulate or put my finger on. Only the feeling of exhilaration and adrenaline can be detected certainly. Suddenly, my vision has changed- I am not seeing things the same way. There is a sadness that comes with that, because I carried expectation, hope, and the thrill of complicated possibility around some situations, people and what is available to me.. It is hard to relinquish what we think we want, because it is present and it seems so much closer to fruition than our wildest dreams. I grieve for what will not be- and I am grateful for having known that grief even for a short time.

Holding out for the Real Deal is what I am willing to do. I am willing to sacrifice short lived preoccupation and sensation for what I most deeply desire. In its place, I have hope for kindred connection and a sweetness that comes from appreciation.

It is time to step up and be what I might become. I'm ready. Let me show you....

Oh Shit, I Just Signed Up For Belly Dance Class!!!!

www.lindabellydance.com

I am panicked.
Signing up for Belly Dance class means that I am going to be dancing. In front of other people- strangers. And the focus will be on a body part of mine that I have a huge vulnerability around.
My little belly.
Ugh.

"Be Kind, Paula. Be kind. "

www.bellydancingdiva.com


My belly bothers me because it does not look the way I would like it to. I would like it to be firm, toned, and less, yes- I will say it- muffin top-y. Or perhaps I should call it my cupcake top? Ha ha ha... that seems a bit kinder and light hearted. And uber appropriate, dontcha think?


http://28.media.tumblr.com

The lady above sort of mesmerizes me. I identify with her body type and find her beautiful. She is round and luscious. That is sexy too. I wonder if this is the route my body would be happiest heading towards? Hmmm...

I focus on this aspect of my physical appearance with a negative vengeance every day. How can I hide it? Ignore it? Shame myself for having it? Lately, I am working on kindness, and simultaneously doing things to engage it, nurture it, fuel it, and appreciate it.

The belly is the space where our 3rd chakra lives. It is the chakra of personal power, intuition and forward movement and ambition. It is what drives our "gut feeling". I find it interesting that I am afraid of, ashamed of, and evasive when it comes to my own belly gut chakra. Sure, I am a powerful presence, and the truth is- I am still hiding out from the power inside me. What I share and project in the world, isn't even all of what I know I am capable and in possession of. I am deeply aware that I hold myself back.

While Belly Dance Class is part of March's Dare To Bare, (class starts on Weds Feb 29- oooohh Leap Year!) the attention to my core- my belly- is part of February's dare too. I am going snowboarding for the first time, next Saturday. I have been at the gym last week and this week-stepping up my cardio, attending yoga, and working up the courage to do some strength training as well. ( I confess I feel like such an idiot when using the weights. I have no clue what I am doing. I secretly think that everyone is watching me and thinking, " She is doing it wrong and she looks stupid. What a fraud." Oh wait that is The Voice talking. That isn't me. Note to self: be sure to flex my middle finger to it the next time that happens.) I have also been giving my belly some love, though I don't want to. I know I need these core muscles in snowboarding. Part of my fear is around the idea that I don't have any muscles there to support me, so I'll just be a failure. Everyone will laugh, and I will be sad inside. Wop, wop, wop. The Voice says " Plump girls can't snowboard!"

Fuck you, Voice. I will snowboard, and I will have an Epic Time learning how my body can do such a thing (albeit it is likely not well on the first couple of tries.) I will prove you wrong, Asshole. Yep.

Gonna face that fear and meet that mountain. (Hello Mountain! My name is Paula, it is a pleasure to meet you! Wanna play?)

Killing Me With Kindness

It's a tough thing to take a place at the front of my yoga class.
Next to the awesome, nice, warm teacher.
That giant mirror both egging me on and reminding me of things.
The class of people literally behind me.. staring at my behind.

Since last month, I have been making extra efforts to be nice to myself, especially when it comes to judging my outward appearance. This isn't a new topic for me, and what is new is the tiniest of shifts that is occurring.

Now, when I am looking in the mirror at myself- whether its the rearview mirror, the bathroom mirror, or the yoga studio/gym mirror it matters not. It also doesn't matter if I am fully clothed or naked as the day I was born it goes something like this:

"Ugh. Oh my god... I look like shi...."

"Paula- stop it. Right now. Be kind to yourself."

"But have you looked at my..."

"Be kind."

"But...ugh.... *frustrated sigh"!!!"

''Be kind."

"*long exhale* " ok. I hear you. Be kind. Be kind. Be kind."

Every day, every day.

For The Love of VD

Valentine's Day has always been a kind of love/hate for me.
I love it because the heart is my favorite shape, and I enjoy all of the cheesy love stuff that is mass produced for this holiday. I am comforted by all the romantic, chintzy, love inspired merchandise- it speaks to the romantic in me (I am afterall, the girl who carried around a tattered copy of Cinderella throughout most of my childhood...). I don't however, need to own any of it.

It wasn't until about 6th grade, that I began to hate Valentine's Day. It started with a boy named Adam Bush. Adam had it bad for me- he would write me love letters and I even " went out with him" for a week, caving to the pressure of friends to do so. (I broke up with him at recess in record time, and while I knew he was hurt, I felt nothing but relief!) Our "relationship" had been short lived in October of 1990ish. That following Valentine's Day, I walked into class to find a giant box of chocolates in the shape of the letters " I <3 U" on my desk, along with another love letter stating all of the reasons he liked me and wanted to be with me. I was flattered and totally creeped out. As one who has spent time on the end of unrequited love/like feelings myself, I now have compassion for sweet Adam. He was however, a little overzealous and a bit fanatical for me, and thus I felt Valentine's Day was tainted.

Fast forward about 15 years later, in my most significant and longest relationship to date- I pretended to dislike Valentine's Day, because my boyfriend detested it. We still sort of celebrated it by making our own quirky Valentines for each other, making a romantic meal together and well...yeah you know. It was lovely in its own way, and yet I felt like I was living a lie. I was denying the part of me that craved a little more romance. A little more creativity. I was denying who I was and what I loved. Which if I think about it, kind of sums up a theme for him and I. Ha.

I have a memory of me and an my ex-boyfriend standing in his kitchen, him plating up dinner he made for me and him. I don't remember everything he had cooked that night- probably chicken- but I do remember the broccoli. He had steamed it, and added a little butter. He knew I loved broccoli, and as I watched him put more broccoli on my plate than on his, I remarked " I know you love me, because you know how much I love broccoli and you gave me most of it! Thanks, Baby!" I think I nuzzled him a bit and planted a quick kiss on his cheek... He probably thought I was being silly and girl-ish. I was simply recognizing and connecting to the idea that I knew this man loved me, even if he didn't say it often or declare so with overtly romantic gestures. He understood me, choosing to show me that in his own way.

I do think Valentine's Day is kind of a ridiculous holiday- it's built on a ridiculous amount of pressure and a sad story about a saint. I don't believe that we should only celebrate love on one day of the year or that tokens of affection should be relegated to this day, as proof of undying love and devotion. What I enjoy the most, is that at the heart of it all, it is a day that we stop and recognize the love we have in our lives. Even as a single person- I am able to see all of the places love lives for me. I have such amazing, outstanding people in my life. I know without doubt that I am loved, and that inspires me to love my friends and family back that much more.

Love isn't about a cliche dozen roses, chocolates, or a card with a funny, sizzling message- it's about all of the ways we say "I Love You" without saying the words. Its in our actions, and gestures- however small or large. Its in the intention behind the things we say and do. Its an everyday holiday, that is quietly celebrated without pomp and circumstance. It's in the broccoli. And the tires...

For years I have said to my friends, that I would fall deeply, madly in love with a man who checked the pressure in my tires or surprised me by having my car immaculately detailed. I swoon at the thought of a man so in love with me that he cares enough to make sure I am safe and thinks about the small ways to make my day and show he cares. That is just as romantic to me as a homemade candlelight dinner.

Its more than words, and all about action. Kinda like this...

Oh come on... like you don't know the words. Go on.. get your lighter and belt it out....

Happy VD to you. Get out there and spread your lovin'! <3 xoxoxoxoxo