"Are You Brave Enough To Let Me See Your Peacock?"

This is the question Katy Perry asks on her song, Peacock. And the question I am posing to myself, on this New Year's Eve.

The last couple of days, I have been writing, in advance, a few posts related to January's Dare to Bare- Be True To Myself. I am really going for it! Just yesterday morning, after writing an intensly personal entry I had to ask myself- "Did I really just write that? Am I sure I want to reveal that? That is not not something people talk about everyday- though they are definitely thinking about it. And once I put that out into the world- people will associate me with that- at least for awhile. Sooo are you certain?"

Yes. I am. I don't want to hold onto any shame, embarrassment, or fear. Those are the labels on the bricks of my wall of protection. Truth is a sledgehammer to that wall and I am ready to demolish it.

"I think vulnerability is telling the truth.It's being brave enough to reveal our true self, without doing all of those things we do to try to look good, to conceal our imperfections, to make ourselves seem like we have it all together."
~Andrea Scher from her interview with Brene Brown


Researching the Peacock, and adopting it as my totem animal for January 2012, I connected with a few things:
peacocks symbolize compassionate watchfulness and resurrection
integrity of self
the beauty that can be achieved when we endeavor to show our true colors
the reminder that by shedding the feathers of our past, we can take back the beauty of our individuality


So Happy New Year to one and all. I wish you courage, compassion, and fun in all you do. May we all be inspired to be all that we are and brave enough to let the world see our peacocks!

Dare to Bare - The List for 2012

Let's get vulnerable.
And by let's - I mean me.

Anticipation of how embarking on such an extraordinary and petrifying challenge for the next 365 days will change me, is what I think about the most.
How will who I am evolve as I allow myself to uncover the fear, that I feel, keeps me from being as open to life as I possibly can?

Thanks to readers & friends who sent me their dare suggestions (dares are identified with a *). The rest, are challenges that I thought carefully about. Don't be fooled- these may seem silly or easy but in truth I am absolutely terrified to attempt them all. Rest assured there is a story behind each one and why it gives me pause. If it resonated a sense of terror and paralyzed me with fear as well as a sense of wonder and curiosity- I added it to the list.Its interesting to me that a lot of my dares are physical activities and a theme is emerging. The theme seems to center around being physically present in my body, and embracing the form I am in. Interesting....

I have outlined the Dares of Vulnerability by designating a dare for each month. This may be subject to change if unforeseen circumstances cause me to move some dares around. I do plan to chronicle each dare, here on this blog. I hope you will stay tuned and join me on what is possibly going to be the most revolutionary year of my life to date. (That's a terribly long sentence, isn't it....LOL)I promise pictures, and as always absolute honesty.

January- Be True To Myself*
February- Ski
March- Take a dance class
April- roller skate
May- take a bus ride adventure*
June- get a tattoo*
July-nude bathing at a hot spring*
August- sky dive
September- Speed Dating*
October- volunteer
November-be open to feedback
December-wear a red dress to a party

Truthfully there a few more dares I have not listed, and they are private bonuses, if I accomplish them. If I do, you'll be sure to hear about them. I felt they were simply, yes, believe it or not, too personal to share so publicly.

In the wise words of one of my favorite Hip Hop artists, DJ Quick, " We've got to change da game."

Mmm hmm.. I KNOW that's right!

and then she remebered everything always turns out just fine.

Today is the last day of the retrograde for 2011.
I for one feel blessed (even though it felt a little rough) to have faced some stuff that surfaced.

Yeah, its sucks to have your ego bruised, but we all know I have been through muuuuccchh worse. I am not afraid to get back on the horse.


My Dare to Bare list for 2012 is coming right along, and I am immensely excited to reveal it in a few weeks. 2012 is going to be an Magical year- of this I am quite certain.

A little shout out to all of the kind words that friends have sent me over the last day or so. It feels so wonderful to have the kind of people in my life who remind me that I am loved, perfect just the way I am and that what I am deserving of does exhist and it will find me.

Mr. Obvious Called...

From a very early age, I had a sense of "do-it-all-myself". I found that depending on others was not always reliable. Oftentimes, it left me feeling disappointed. It also made me feel weak- "What do you mean I can't do it?" Whether it is lack of physical strength, or expertise, it feels like I am, in that moment where I am asking for help, admitting a secret defeat: I am not Super Woman and I can't do everything.

Mr. Obvious on line 1 - " Of course you are a super woman, but you are not Super Woman. Get over yourself".

As I am paying more attention to myself and the ways I feel vulnerable, this fiercely independent streak is noticeably challenged. It is one of the most painful, vulnerable situations for me to be in when I have to ask someone else to help me accomplish a task I cannot do all on my own. It swipes at my pride and it feels like admitting defeat when I have had to ask for assistance. Some examples:

picking plums from my tree this last Summer - I needed some tall friends, and/ or a tall ladder, but I didn't want to ask. Who wants to do that??? Plus I wanted it done rightthissecond. I didn't want to wait for anyone. Picking those plums was a silly and dangerous game of tossing a rake up in the branches and seeing how many I could knock down. I was intent on getting all of the plums I could because I was going to make jam with them. I was a virgin jam maker with no idea of what I was doing. I will admit that I certainly felt that jam tasted so sweet and awesome because I had worked so hard to procure the ingredients. It would have been so much easier and literally more fruitful, had I simply requested a helping hand from a friend.

Changing the filters in my furnace- I need to ask my landlady because I cannot for the life of me figure it out. I have studied the manuals and looked intently at the furnace itself, only to be completely baffled by where the filter actually is. I have only to text her to ask, but have I done it? Nope. And it needs to be done. But I don't want to ask, because I assume I will end up looking like an idiot for not being able to figure it out. Aren't egos a pain in the ass? Uh-huh.

putting chains on my car- Initially, I was completely paralyzed with anxiety at the thought of driving on ice and snow. Due to some perceived horrific memories in my teens, I was sure I was going to end up face first in the grill of a semi, or ditch. 3 years ago we had a wicked winter here, which forced em to admit my fears to close friends. My dear and outstanding friends, K. & J. showed me how to put chains on my car. K. had me practice in the parking lot at work, and then my drive home was one of the most exhilarating drives ever. It felt a lot like the time I "rode the bull" when we went rafting on the Deschutes River. It was a bit off-putting to admit I didn't know how to do this all by myself. The way they talked to me, and showed me what I needed to know, instilled a confidence in me that I had not known before. Now driving in the snow- no problem. I feel empowered. What took me so long???!!!

asking any of the guys at work to get a pallet of product down for me- at my new store, my back stock storage requires that I keep product on pallets, on a very high shelf. To get things down, it means that the use of a pallet jack is needed. I don't know how to drive those things. So I have to find one of the guys or the one girl who know how to expertly maneuver the machine and get me down what I need. It pains me greatly that I cannot simply get it myself with the use of a ladder. I had to face the fact that I would more than likely do more damage than good if I did try to use that thing on my own. I feel so helpless, as I stand there watching one of the men lift my pallet down. I have, reluctantly, accepted that this is simply how it is. Maybe that is a good thing, because on a weekly basis, I am without any other choice but to face those feelings of vulnerability in me. Maybe one of these days, I won't even bat an eye when faced with this issue.

relationships- in general I have noticed about myself, that I have felt solely responsible for the success/failure of the relationships. If I want to feel supported/nurtured/cared for etc, then I project that but never, ever dare ask for it myself. Because admitting that I wanted more affection/direction/fun/adventure etc. meant that it wasn't there to begin with. And asking would mean admitting defeat, and in the past it felt more important to hold onto a guy because ironically enough, I didn't want to be on my own. But Hello, Paula- Mr. Obvious called and left me a message I got a little late- you should never have to ask for those things in a truly awesome relationship- they should just be a given. And you were on your own the whole time, anyways, or didn't you know that?" Yep. Because before I always picked guys who weren't capable of being in a relationship. So sneaky, is my subconcious!!!

While I am on the topic of relationships, let me also admit that I have found it incredibly frustrating that I have always done the initiating with guys I was into. And damn it- here is the one area in my life I am finally ready to say " ok. I don't want to do it all. I want to be chased, because you know why? I am fucking worth the chase, damn it. That's why." I don't need to work so hard, on my own anymore. Rejection had s shown me that, recently. Hello Mr.Obvious on line 3- :" Get over yourself, Paula! Help a guy out by letting him be the guy."
Oh. Riiigghhht.


In the words of my beloved Spice Girls, the 90's pop icons of girl power, pop music, and platform shoes:

"who do you think you are?
Trust it, use it, prove it, groove it,
show me how good you are."

Who do we think we are? Super Woman? Every woman? A human being trying to figure it out? Worth it?
Absolutely.
Trusting in that knowledge, and using it every day to prove to ourselves that can totally groove with that.
And that's how good we are.

In the end, my discovery is this: It takes a strong person to admit their weaknesses. And that makes her a bad ass.

I Dare You To Dare Me

I usually am the most intuitively plugged in the shower and when I am driving. Something about being on autopilot allows me to transcend space and time and be open to receiving information about my life or people in it.

Tonight, was one such drive home. An idea began to take shape, as I was reflecting on a conversation a friend and I had just had at work. The gist of it was that she was really encouraging me to step out of my comfort zone, where some areas of my life are concerned. And the thought of doing so makes me tremble inside, and want to run screaming in the opposite direction. I so good at acting boldly and passionately when I want something. When it means making myself vulnerable to judgment- well the fear can really kick my ass. Sometimes I do it anyway, and chide myself in hindsight. And other times I think, " That felt so awesome- why didn't I do that sooner??!!!"


What you resist persists- and so I thought why not run towards the awkward and scary? The idea being birthed, is a culmination of inspiration- from a fellow blogger who listed a resolution for every month of the year fro 2011, and another fellow blogger and little sister of one of my best friends (Yes Miss Brooke- that would be you!) to step out side of the confines of the world as I know it, and challenge myself to stretch who I am, who I think I am, and who I want to be.
The desire to be more approachable, less intimidating and to live more in the gray instead of either black or white is up on the agenda. And it scares the crap out of me. That's how I know its a good idea. The end result will hopefully find me more open, approachable, and with some new people in my life.


So- what are those things that scare me? I have to really sit and contemplate that question. I do know that I want help from the outside world, in suggesting tasks and adventures for me to embark on. I want to create 6 on my own, and I want you dear reader, to also dare me to do something that scares the crap out of me. Nothing too outrageous (I am not hitchhiking across the country), and let's keep it legal. I am dying to know what adventure you think I should take on.

I want to feel the way I did when I was on the plane at JFK, headed to Egypt ALL BY MYSELF. I knew no one where I was going and I had absolutely no idea what awaited my on the other side. That whole trip was a big, giant DARE to myself and upon its completion- I felt so connected, and open, and in love with myself. I want some more of that.

Over the next couple of weeks, it is my intention to choose six goals on my own, and 6 goals from my readers. In the first week of January 2012, I will reveal my own Scary Dare List. I was serious when I wrote about being more vulnerable in my life. I have stayed too long in the comfort of what is familiar.

So go ahead- throw out those ideas! Comment on FB, send me an email, a text whatever. I truly want to hear from you.

As I was putting the finishing touches on my head for this idea on my drive home, this song came on and just seemed so appropriate. I don't why. Something about the urgency to make a move. Yeah. I need to get out there and shake my bacon! I don't have all of my life. I am not here for a long time- I am here for a good time!

Mistletoe, Chestnuts, & A Little Snow

It's Dec 5th, and I am trying to get my Christmas Spirit on. I haven't gotten my tree yet, but I did manage to cut some Cedar, Pine, and Laurel branches and decorated the mantle.

I found my vintage plug-in Santa, but he needs a new bulb. Next week, I plan on procuring that most necessary of Yuletide decorations- the Christmas Tree. I need a few new strands of twinkle lights, a cozy fire, and lil' sumpthin' sumpthin' for my hot chocolate.

Oh and some Christmas tunes. It dawned on me, that over the many years of writing this blog, I have never really written about Christmas. So I decided I would compile a list of my favorite songs that always jingle my bells.

10.) The Bell That Couldn't Jingle - Herb Albert
My dad introduced this song to me in my childhood, and I loved it from the first.


9.) Baby It's Cold Outside- Leon Radbone & Zooey Dechanel formt eh Elf Soundtrack
I like the idea of a sweet seduction scene with a little humor on a cold, cozy night


8.)The Christmas Song- Hootie & The Blowfish
The acoustic sound along with the smoothness of lead singer, Darius Rucker's voice really does it for me


7.)Oi To The World- No Doubt
Because this doesn't sound like a traditional Christmas song- I kind of dig it.


6.) Last Christmas- Wham!
Maybe it's because I have spent many a Christmas really feeling this song, that I have such an appreciation for it. That and the sweet 80's sounds! These days, I don't identify with the feelings of the song, but its hard not to sing along


5.)Celebrate Me Home- Kenny Loggins
Another song that makes me think of my dad, because not only did he include it on every Christmas tape he made, but on the one he made me a few months before he died seemed to have more meaning for me.


4.) Sleighride- TLC
It's 90's hip -hop at its best in this TLC infused Christmas original. Love that sweet beat!


3.)St. Patrick's Day- John Mayer
It seems that somehow in Christmas Eve, I end up half- drunk on wine, wrapping presents and listening to this song on repeat. When snow first dusts the ground, the first verse of this song plays on loop.


2.) Mistletoe- Justin Bieber
Ok, so this year, I fell hard for this song. Its so sweet and romantic. And sung by a 17 year old. Its mellowness works its way into your head and heart and before you know it, you're longing for a little mistletoe action yourself....


1.) The Christmas Song- Nat King Cole
that voice, those first notes and instantly no matter where you are or what you are doing- it's Christmas. This is my favorite and its classic.

Personal New Year

Personal New Year Resolutions on this 33rd birthday:
be open- in your heart, in your mind, in your body.
be not afraid- because being open, means being vulnerable. You've been hurt before, and I guarantee you will be again. That isn't the focus. The focal point is allowing yourself to be totally, completely open. To make a fool of your self over a boy who doesn't get you, knowing that one day- another boy will. It means working through a fog, and keeping your eyes on the Light in times of uncertainty. It means being naked and letting the walls you have put up, come down. It means allowing real connection to unfold, instead of being carried away by your won passions, so hastily.

It means taking chances everyday with the words you speak, the actions you take and the thoughts you think.

It means trusting yourself.

It means loving the situations, unconditionally.
Even when you doubt yourself. Even when its hard.
Especially when it s hard.

Because I promise, dear Self, you are the only one keeping track of the failure points. To those around you, you appear to be fabulous, smart, sexy, spiritually plugged in, quirky, funny, wise, beautiful, cute, passionate, silly, and wonderful.

The world wouldn't be what it is without your energy in it- don't ever for a minute think you don't have a place in it.

Be open. Let it in and be not afraid, Little One.

Take this year to kick some ass inside your head, expand your heart space, and get back up every time you feel you have been knocked down.

I promise you that this is where your year of Magical Thinking begins.

Loving you.

Your Self <3