Oceanside Reflection

the town of Oceanside, Oregon

Deep in the midst of my to-do list, I need a break. I haven't emptied my head in a few weeks....

The last couple of weeks have been crazy wonderful. Filled with friends, family, and fun. (Did I really just type that??!!!) Well, its true.

And its been a bit of a frenzy. My life is flowing in ways lately that both shock and delight. I am not used to this frenzy. Universe- can we slow things down just a little bit, please? And could you speed up a few other things, please? Thanks!


Last Tuesday, my friend, the marvelous Miss Amy and I went to the beach for the day. I needed to get out of town badly, and so did she. We sat in the sun, hunted for rocks in a little creek on the beach, painted, read, and deeply relaxed. I promised myself I would make time to do that more. At least once a month. To go and just be by the sea.

I desire, rather I require, time to Seize the Summer. Those moments I give to myself in the warm season, between work. Let's Play!




This year I shall endeavor to:

landscape my yard and introduce myself to my inner Green Thumb. (she must be in there somewhere?)
make a trip back east to see friends
float the Clackamas
STS BBQ's
game nights with family
construct a fire pit
Portland Hill Walks
bonfire on the beach
nap in a hammock
re-finish many pieces of furniture I have been talking about for years, finally (a hutch, a small chest of drawers, 5 chairs, a tack chest, and 2 night stands.)
painting by the sea
family reunion in August
read a stack of books
outdoor brunch
yurt by the bay


Okay, back to my emails and phone calls.

Then a nice long soak in the tub. New color on my toes, and a delicious nap before heading out for a concert with my brother.
Iron and Wine never sounded so good....

Size Matters

Lately, the issue of size has been on my mind.
No, not that.
I am talking about the size of our being, and how that matters. I have become supremely aware of the connecting forces between big and small.
These days, I am feeling smaller, physically. But I feel immensely grandiose in my soul. My heart, though still sometimes timid, remains bold,brave and free. Expanding by lifetimes and galaxies.

I have spent the majority of my life feeling uncomfortable and ginormous in this body. I measured my outside continuously to those around me. I was always the bigger one, in my eyes. And that was not a good thing. The largeness I often felt, was linked to my physical aspects. Recently, that view has shifted. Sloughing away the layers of emotion accumulated, my smallness comes into view. I really am quite tiny. 5' 1''. The scale says I have gained muscle- my closet says "welcome back to articles of clothing you haven't been able to wear in years."

The smallness feels powerful, because with it comes the revelation of the lightness of being. Just being. In this skin. In this life. In this moment. Breathing. Loving. Growing. The lightness both in the weight of my soul and my physical body translates to even bigger expansion of my mind and heart.

When I stand in that smallness, I am made bigger. Huge. Ginormous. Gargantuan.
I am infinite and almighty.
I am possible and miraculous.
I am magical and realistic.
I am the walrus. Cukoo-ca-chu.
I have this urge to jump from a great distance, to delight in the fall all the while knowing I will land safely in a giant net.

Like a trapeze. Life happens between those bars.

Its very clear to me now that who I am is not about the size of the boat- its most definitely the motion in the ocean. I delight in my petite-ness, and yet I will not play small. I am so much bigger than that.


In this life, I came here to remember who I am.
And who I am is a shining beacon of light, reminding those around me that it lives inside them too.
I came to grow in partnership.
I came to burn and to be burned.
I came to be closed and then open.
I came to destroy and create.
I came here to see you and mirror back the beauty, truth , and love the radiates out farther than the human eyes can see.
I can see far enough out for my heart to bask in its loveliness. Out beyond the trees.
Far beyond that magic moon.
Out there- in the years of light to the places we know not even exist. The size of that matter, significantly insignificant.

Your size matters too. How big is your heart?
How light is your soul?
How far out does that light shine?
Does it weigh you down or lift you up?
When my light connects with yours, the expansion is collective and powerful. Like the stars in the sky...our brilliance together brightens the night.
That size matters.

Why My Day Job is A Revolution That Matters

Since I was 17 years old, I have worked in a grocery store. From my senior year in high school, until the tender age of 23, I worked for Haggen. I opened that store in Tanasbourne as a green courtesy clerk on July 31, 1996. It was 108 degrees that day and people were lined up for their grand opening freebies. I would move up in the ranks shortly after my 18th birthday. I cashiered (do you want paper or plastic??"), was a PIC (Person in charge/ front end lead) for a bit, and sometimes helped out with the POS/Pricefile crew and floral crew (I do know how to make corsages, boutonnieres, and balloon bouquets, ladies and gents. Oh yes!). Versatility meant job security. As I grew up in that place, it became apparent that the conventional world wasn't doing it for me. A sense of connection seemed to missing.

In 2001, I felt the need to move onto something a little different. Enter in New Seasons Market. The front end manager at the soon-to-be-open Orenco Station Store, was my previous front end manager at Haggens. She left to open the Raleigh Hills store. I went in for an interview, and a week later I was hired. I didn't even know (or care) how much I was getting paid (I took a $4. pay cut) because already I could sense my disposition was about to significantly change, and more than anything else I needed that.

Never one for academic higher education, I preferred, as my friend Athena calls it, " The University of the Real World". At times, I have felt a bit silly for working at a grocery store when many my friends are collage graduates. The truth is, I get paid a pretty penny more than some of those degree holding peeps (and not just because I am a manager. The starting wage is well above the state minimum). I have a sweet job as the Homegoods Manager. Amazing health benefits and a few other company perks. I eat well ( and I receive a generous company discount when I shop...) and I am educated more than most about the importance of eating and shopping as locally as possible to support our communities. I am immensely proud to a part of an locally owned and operated company that gives 10% of our profits back to local charities, every year. (We have given millions of dollars back to our city in the course of 11 years.) I am contributing to a sustainable equation and highlighting the value of giving superior customer service to everyone with a smile and authenticity- we take care of each other. I also have a warm, diverse and supportive family born of my time spent at 3 different stores over the years. Some friendships have brought much joy and growth into my life. For being my day job- its pretty amazing.

Yesterday, I attended our twice a year all store managers meeting. At these meetings, financial information is shared, guest speakers talk (all local vendors that are successful in part to us!), new directions and initiatives are revealed to inspire, reunions with friends from other stores, good food, laughter and a lot of love. It never fails that at some point in the day, I become overwhelmed by the intensity of the work we are doing together and get misty-eyed and full of pride. I so wish I could invite you all in to see what it is we do on a daily basis behind the scenes. I am humbled and made proud, when I reflect on the work we do everyday. This is not just a grocery store- this is a way of life fueled by a collective mission to contribute positively to our neighborhoods, region and the world. New Seasons Market is a revolution in the grocery world due to our commitment to positive and thoughtful progression. I venture to say it's also a marvel and a wonder to those who are not in it (and actually some of who are). September will mark 10 years since I became a part of the "friendliest store in town". I am a better person for it. Being in this organization has contributed tremendously to my own personal growth. How this company as changed me, is priceless.

One of the surprising things I learned yesterday at our meeting was that Walmart is planing to bring 17 stores into the Portland area over the next couple of years.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

uh-oh.

Do people know what that means for our city?
For our communities???
Are people aware of what Walmart does?
They pay low-wages, and generally abuse staff.
They offer poor benefit packages to employees.
They put small Mom & Pop type businesses out of business.
They source low-priced product primarily from foreign places, which puts American made workers out of work and strains the environment with its production and transport.

I am not worried about losing my job or the possible effects compettion may have- I won't let fear drive me to that place. What worries me is how this saturation of Walmart stores will directly and indirectly affect our communities.


This is about voting for love with your dollars, people.

Every-time time you shop somewhere local, that money energy boomerrangs back the dollar into the community it came from in that town- you are voting for love of life and the support of others who love the work they do. Farmers markets, local boutiques, hair salons, cabinet makers, landscapers, greeting card artists, vineyards, restaurants, bookstores. When you give your business to these places you are having a positive effect on your community and contributing to its growth.
I sometimes hear people state that shopping where I work is too expensive. I am fortunate that I receive discount yes (every Weds Seniors 65 or better receive a 10% discount too), and I would still choose shop here even if I didn't. That aside- its really and truly not that more expensive. You get what you pay for, my friends. Quality vs quantity is the name of that argument. Because I believe in the mission of what this company is trying to do. I see how my smaller actions connect to the bigger picture. Yes, its about profit to a certain degree- and more than that- its about giving some of that profit back to our community. Its about creating a progressive workplace where the employees love the work they do and the people they do it with. Its about educating the public of the many ways they can make a difference in the community and yes- even the world. Every time you purchase something that is made right here in our city, state or region - you are showing your love and helping to support your neighbors by putting food on their own tables.

This is not where I tell you where to shop. My intention here, is to make you aware of the effects actions have in the grocery industry. How we nourish our bodies directly affects the way we nourish our souls. Its all connected. I ask that you look at your beliefs around why you shop at the places you shop. Connect your purchases with a more expanded perspective. Money is energy and we can direct that energy into fear or love. Who you are matters, and how you spend your energy matters. I am not saying that my place of employment is perfect. I myself sell lots of stuff that isn't made in America. I also do go out of my way to showcase artists and craftspeople that do make things in the USA, to create awareness. Part of the collective mission is to educate so that the customer can make an informed choice, every time they shop. Maybe we don't make all local purchases all of the time. But perhaps doing so where it counts, as much as we are able to- is what matters most. Seek out your neighborhood co-ops. Spend an afternoon at the local Farmers Market. Connect with your food and connect with your community.

To Cause into Being

This is a picture of the loft studio, at the Magic Cottage. It looks quaint upon first glance....

.
Today, I was a glow with the fire in my belly to make things. I came upstairs, got as far as locating my watercolor paper, and paints, but was soon distracted by the chaos around me.
As one gets closer to the heart of it, one realizes that it is in a serious state of disarray..



Open up the closet door, and the world of creative supplies in all of its state, screams out what is really happening.



Well... that's not obvious or anything...
My creativity is blocked.
Some of you who have been to visit, don't believe me when I say my home is messy at times. Oh yes. It is. I work hard at cleaning up after myself. Some spaces more than others...And that is interesting to me because I see my home as an extension of myself. Each room has a special purpose and correlates to an aspect of myself.

The living room- where entertainment and gathering happen.
the kitchen- where I nourish myself
the bathroom- where I cleanse and tend to my health
the hallway- the gateway between the everyday and the more ethereal (the office and the bedroom)
the office- where I hold space for intuitive readings and consultations (and do laundry...hee hee)
the bedroom - where I rest
and the loft- where I create

I assure you that all of the other spaces are quite tidy compared to this one. Why is the space I have designated for myself to create, in such shambles? Clearly creating is not a high priority. Thats a sad thing to admit, because I was painting long before I could read and write. It is a key aspect of who I am. It is one of the vehicles with which I channel my internal fire.

Where the f is my masking tape??!!! My exacto knife???
n there... somewhere....

Ugh.



The internal struggle against creativity and chaos is re-awkened. Do I spend all of my time organizing THAT mess or do I crank out a painting that is dying to be born??!!!

You know me- I am a compromise girl. So I am going to try a little bit of both. Small steps.

I sometimes forget that one of the things that I am, is an artist. My jr. year in high school, I was trying to figure out what I wanted to be when I grow up. I was considering collages. If I had been more intent, I would have worked at attending the Maryland Institute Collage of Art (http://www.mica.edu).
They sent me an application and along with it an informational brochure. I kept the cover of the brochure because it struck me so true. I have gave it away once. On a lower level, I felt that it was a lie I kept telling myself. This piece of paper came back to me. The words remind me of the part of me that always felt so natural.

"You do not decide to become an artist; it is what you are. You feel a passion to create, a belief in what you have to say, a need to express that belief to others, a desire to communicate visually."

I was too scared to apply myself. I also was overwhelmed by the sheer pressure of having to decide right then what direction I wanted to take my life in. Collage didn't feel like the place for me. It still doesn't. But, I admit, going for the sake of learning; just to feel that place, the sights, the sounds and the results of the exposure- that does appeal.

My eyes fell on those words today, as I was rearranging my inspiration board (my baby step in reigning in the chaos today). I have carried these words around for the last 15 years, and how often have I claimed them with fierceness? Not recently, thats for certain. Somewhwere my creative fire got squelched.

If I am sloughing off layers, its apparent to me, that another thing coming into view is my lost ability to create art. The smell of turpentine. Paint in my nail beds. Paint brushes stuck up in my hair. The back and forth that happens between brain, hands and canvas. The satisfied heart at the completion of a vision brought to reality....*sigh* I miss those things deeply.

I used to know how to stretch canvas.
Now, I am not sure I would even know what kind of wood to ask for at the hardware store. Actually, I know wouldn't.

My best friend reminded me once, that the definition of the word " create" is " to cause into being".

Don't you love that?

Can you see a million possibilities taking shape in the seconds you process the words??

I want to be seduced by the mediums and get knocked up with artistic vision.
I want to give birth to something made up in my heart and soul that begs to be brought into the light.

Ahhh...
But then that is where the apprehension creeps in...

illuminating places and things so very dear to us, can be frightening.

Especially if its been a while.
But writing is not enough to quench my thirst for creative expression. I want more.

My brushes have been pining away for me. My paints want to be used up. And I feel the need to connect and process in a way that is familiar, but also re-invented. I want to finish these words, documenting for posterity. Possibilities of creation and organization await.

And so does that supply closet.....

Choosing Love

I am a child of fire.
It is my natural inclination to light up like a firecracker when I react both positively and negatively to situations. I light quickly, with a wondrous display of colorful emotions, which fizzle out, shortly thereafter, to make room for something else.

Today is one such day where I felt myself get fired up over a reaction to news of importance. My landlady has put the property up for sale. She did this without telling me. I found out when a friend came across the listing and sent it to me.

Instantly I was triggered back to a state of panic. Only a year ago, I was in the same boat while living in my tiny 300 sq. foot mother-in-law apartment. The landlords divorced, sold the house, and I was evicted. I put everything in storage for 8 weeks and lived on my brother's couch simultaneously casting out my net for the next perfect home.

Just as I was ready to give up, I found the Magic Cottage. This is a home born of magical intention and faith. I put it out there, and it came to me. I love it here. Everyday I wake up and cannot believe my luck- I get to live my life here!!!! I have zero desire to leave. In an instant, fear found my vulnerability and worked immediately to set up for the worst possibility: I would be asked to leave my home. Just when I had begun to feel settled and more rooted than I ever had in my life. Fear gripped me and made me see a possibility of that changing in the worst imagined way.

Its interesting, that within a year, a nearly identical situation as arisen again. Co-incidence? Hmmmm.... I don't know the facts around this situation yet, as my landlady has yet to return my inquiry. But the fact that this smacks of familiarity does not escape notice. I am fully aware that I helped to bring this about, on some level or another.

As I was in my panicked state, my old way of coping under duress was triggered. I wanted to eat something sweet to soothe my frazzled self. That part of me craved nothing more than to be left alone with a pint of Ben and Jerry's. What is wonderful to acknowledge for once, is that the dominant part of me wanted to instead go for a run and to write. So I started with a good run, exercising out the stress demons. Somewhere around the 2 mile mark, I had a bolt of enlightenment strike me. What was highlighted was this: as I wake up to what lies beneath the layers I am letting go of, repressed feelings are surfacing. I knew on a level this would happen. One doesn't let go of any thing heavy without seeing what was being covered by it. Standing in it as it is occurring and anticipating it are completely opposite happenings. When I run, I make a conscious effort to name the things I am letting of in those moments.

Today's Special:
Fear.
discouragement.
anger.
frustration.

These are feelings- colors of reactions, but they are not rooted in truth. These feelings are the process of coming around to seeing what is. This is my fire, burning hot and wildly, scared to a point of temporary consumption. I am well aware that a large part of my own personal work in this life, is to shift into a more solid and grounded flow. To give boundaries to my fire, and to also not be put out by the flux of my emotions. Perhaps this is coming around again so that I may take a more conscious stance than before (even though I was pretty awake for that transition, maybe I could be even more so this time). I can choose to be unshakable. I can choose to be in the love of this moment, not giving power to what fear may drive. Somewhere between being firmly rooted in the ground and going with the flow is where my aim is now. Already the way I am processing this news is shifting away from the past behavior. That deserves a high five!


Choosing love over fear, especially in the moments where we loose our footing, is not the first choice so easily seen. It requires a pause. To take in a few breaths, allowing for connection to what is stable and true.

What is true for me right now, is that I am falling more deeply in love with myself than I ever thought possible. As I let go of the layers, and strip down to my essence- I am blown away by what is there. I cherish it, I adore it. I am proud of it. I see her, though most days I don't take the time to look, in my eyes. Standing in the bathroom, after a shower, towel wrapped around me, my hair wet and smelling of exotic shampoo. The mirror reflects back in my hazel eyes with the forest green ring. She is teeny tiny, in size. She is mighty in her power. She smiles back at me. Shining, laughing, smoldering with the purest love. "Here you are.", she says. "Aren't you beautiful?" And I cannot help but fall deeply, madly, truly. Again.

I am enchanted by my life and made humble by the constant show of support by the Universe and those in it. I have discovered a hunger in me that demands to be fed by expression. I share who I am with those who want to connect to with my words. Being so transparent keeps me accountable. I put myself out there to shine. It allows me a freedom to be me. It shows me to myself and the world inside my head. It shows the beauty of my core, and how precious that is.

As I shift into the tomorrows a little more uncertain than I was yesterday, it will be important to remember that this is all part of what I asked for. I asked to let go of the things that no longer serve me, therefore making room for freshness. Heart is where the home is, and the Magic Cottage is there.

"It can be so bold and so cavalier
To reach out to the fire her souls sending here
It can be like death that blows like a breeze
Making all ones strength go weak at the knees
I hate to feel the shallow ground giving way
Ive never let myself fall this much astray
And feeding on her touch is all one does to survive

She said show me the world that's inside your head,
Show me the world that you see yourself, you could use Some help
Cause sometimes it comes with a shove, when you fall in love"
~Angels & Airwaves "Shove"

And So It Is

My day began as it usually does. The cat was impatient for me to be up to feed her just after first light.
I resisted.
I dozed in bed, relishing in the moments between sleep, dreams and the awakening that happens shortly thereafter.

I was compelled to read a bit, from an astrology book on the subject of cosmic love. And as I was pondering that topic, I received an email from a good friend. She was requesting advice, because due to many recent situations and circumstances, needed outside wisdom. She had seriously began to question her faith in the Universe.

There are no accidents, as was proven to me yet again, in that moment, because I too had had a few moments over the course of the week where I also was questioning the very same thing.

So, without much thought about what I would say, I began to write. And it came so cleanly, and without effort. It just was.

"...It is so very important, that we find courage in these instances, to be as open and expansive as we possibly can to Love. Love is the Universe, and Love hears your prayers. There will be moments when it will be harder for some more than others to do that, in those cases, it falls on the others to hold that love and that light until they can do so again.

I myself have been asking " What next?" in my own life- just days ago in fact. And I vowed to stay open no matter what. No matter how lost I was feeling in that particular moment. No matter how sad, or discouraged, or frustrated I let myself be. I promised at the very, very least I would stay open to love in all of its forms. And that I would keep asking "What's next?" until an answer came my way.
24 hours later it did. 3 fold. And I see little bit more than I did in those moments I was blind with discouragement.

Be open.
Listen.
and take courage to follow the voice of love, in all of its forms."

Dear reader, you and I and the we in between- we are exactly where we are supposed to be in life. This moment reading these words and living our individual experiences just as we are meant to.



"What next?" is such a powerful question to ask. It requires us to surrender to our faith and trust. Its remembering to take a step in one direction. And then another. And another.

And then suddenly we look up and realize that we are surrounded by all that we are made up of. Its in the trees. It's in the stars. Its in the wings of fly. Its in the pattern of the quilt a grandmother made. Its in the blink of my eye. Its in the whisper of an evening breeze. Its in the soup.

There it is. The answer you seek. The answer that takes you one step closer to remembering who you are.

As my dear friend Jed says often, Love is the answer.
And so it is.

sledgehammer

There is a tiny wall of bricks built up around my heart.
Its rather small, in size and sturdy in its making. There is sign on it that reads " To Serve and Protect". That is code for "to hide and prevent from truly living out loud."
And I am ready to take a sledge hammer to the whole damn thing.
Because I want to be married to amazement, and it's hard to even get a date with magnificence with this sturdy wall in the way.


I will not let fear of being hurt or forsaken hold me back. I cannot be hurt or forsaken because there is nothing to lose or be damaged. I am whole and perfect, just as I am. That is the sign I will hang in the new space.

What the hell am I waiting for??!!!!

I want to blow this pop stand.

So step right up - demolition is on the menu!
My tool belt holds a sledgehammer of courage to bust open the blocks, nails of honesty to hit home the truth, spackle of love to fill in the cracks, and a level of wisdom to balance things out.

Time to bust this joint wide open.