Ghost Town

I found myself driving through the ghost town of my heart last evening. The place I was conceived, born,broken and left behind many times.

I understand now my own mother's aversion to North Portland. It is haunted and it haunts me.

That place gives me so much anxiety. The ghosts of memories past swimming around, a knot in my stomach.

Here is the place I was left behind. Here is the place I played as a child. Here is where my family came from. Here is where he took my hand and kissed me on the street. Here is where he died. Here is where a part of me died and lingers.... and so it went.

I had to call Shauna by the time I made it through, painfully stirred up, to Janzen Beach. I needed her to talk me down from the ledge of anxiety. Someone who beleived in me- who knows this journey from her own time spent on it.
I was on my way to a family reunion of my mother's family- almost all of which I had not seen in over a decade. And I was a wreck.

Lost in my own place of origin. Does this place define me? Who I am and where I will go?

I have always preached that we cannot know who we really are until to we truly understand where we come from.

And where is that for me exactly? A lot of pain. A lot of suffering, lying dormant these many years, only to be triggered into awakness by people, places- words essentially.

I feel stuck in this place- swimming in a sea of anguish like I have not know before. Words fail me in some ways... and yet I am here typing these words out.

Scooping.
Purging.
Pouring. Begging for it to be over.

I think about making a map- a map of the places that hurt in this town. And to go to each one by myself. And feel it. Observe what comes up for me. Feel it to its maximum being. And then..... ask myself if I need to hold onto that place, that person, that feeling.

I know the answers before I will speak them. But experience makes up for where words fail.

Driving home from my cousin's last night, and a reunion of 4 generations of women, I was behind my Grandmother and her boyfriend, with my mother behind me. Driving on the freeway past the exits that lead to painful memories. And I thought to myself-" Wow. Look how loved you are in this moment. These people- your family- are supporting you and protecting you in this moment through this painful place. Look at that. Unknowingly, there presence soothes you and reminds you that you don't just come from one place- you come from many . And you will visit more in the time to come. "

this too shall pass....

Dear Shauna

My best friend, the lovely and Talented Shauna has started a new blog.
With my name on it.
What a tribute, right? :)

6 years ago, my BFF moved to San Diego to take up residence with her father, step-mom and their kids. She went to sort out some questions and connections for herself. In the end, she came home to where her heart could be whole and left a very difficult part of her life there. There is more to it- but that is her story to tell.

While she was there over the course of about 6 months- we wrote each other everyday. To this day, it is the most constant I have ever been in my communication. Both of us had questions to ask, while the other offered clues to the answers the other sought. Our words, heartfelt, deep, raw and beautiful connected us to times of great transition in our lives. I was still mourning the sudden death of my father that previous Feb, and by the time she came home in Nov, D. and I had just began dating only days before. Wow. That was a long time ago! And how far we have come....

In the spirit of those deep daily emails we sent one another, and also to highlight the gifts and talents of the brilliant writer Shauna is- she began a blog called "Dear Paula". The first entry was on my birthday- a sweet gorgeous gift to receive from my soul sister, so dear.

Stop by and check it out, won't you?

http://www.deartylerstracker.com

xoxoxoxoxoxo

In honor of Mercury's retrograde

It's a time of review, re-evaluation and reflection when mercury goes retrograde. I find it especially poignant this time of year. This time around, Mercury is retrograde Dec 10-30. Some of the darkest days of the year, and at the tail end of 2010, no less.

I haven't been writing about what I have been up to lately because it's been deep work I am doing on the interior of my soul, heart, head and chakras etc. Too much information for here, maybe. But then again- I promise always to deliver the true, raw, honest truth in this space. So why not? Maybe there is something in my words for you, dear reader.

Having had a pretty significant breakthrough about my relationship patterns due to my family's patterns has been heavy to say the least. I come from, on my dad's side, on the dark side of things, a family where there has been generations of sexual abuse. I am glad to say the cycle doesn't include me, but it affects me nonetheless.

As a girl of 14, my father left me. Emotionally I was scarred, never to be the same. He left me and my brother for his own reasons. To deal with the heat of actions made past and the spotlight of crimes committed. I'd like to think he spared us. But it left a whole in my heart. It left me feeling I was unlovable. What was so wrong with me that my own father cut himself totally and completely out of my life for 6 years? I was devastated.

It was not the first time he had left me. He never had it to give to me- emotional availability was something he himself had turned off long before my time- when he was still a boy enduring unspeakable things. He was wounded, and as such wounded me.

My relationships, most notably with my ex, D., mirrored these feelings of me seeking out my father's love, approval, emotional support,acceptance and admiration. D. is a lot like my dad. From his zodiac sign, to the fact he lived 2 blocks from the house I was conceived in, to a shared sexual abuse wound, anit-socialness, emotional availability, right down to how he looks. D. was my father reincarnated. I was and had been fighting, for the duration of our time together, for the attachment of my father. I wanted this man to make up for all the things I didn't get from my dad. I literally begged for him to do so, not knowing that is what I was doing.

The knowledge of my subconscious actions has shifted my perception greatly. I am in so much gratitude for this man, and how he helped see these things about myself. He is not a perfect man, and yet I will always have a deep love and respect for the parts of ourselves we grew and shared together.

He has finally moved on and met a new lady. This news was met with hurt. It's not him- truthfully we don't fit together and it is not meant to work out. Learning about him being in a new relationship, triggered in me again- those feelings of value and worth I have been working to heal.

What is so wrong with me that I am not in a relationship, and he is?
I have been working incredibly hard and diligently at healing my wounds, and yet he is with someone.
I feel like I got left behind again.
But I didn't. This has nothing to do with him. Not really. This is all on me. (And I am thankful to know he gets that.)
It echoes for me the feelings that say I am not lovable because I am not in a relationship with a man who loves and accepts me and he has found that (at least I imagine so.)

For him- I wish so much good. I love, love, love this man though I am not in love with him anymore.I know he has the same love for me - that's the beautiful part of it all, recognizing that in each other. I want for him to be happy and to be with a women who fits him and be for him what I always wanted to be, but am not destined to be. I long for the day when we can be real friends, laughing over silly things like people do when they know each other well and care. I look forward to the day when seeing him and hearing his voice does not make me react from the place of the wounded girl. I want to make peace with the hurt- to let it go. To allow the teenage girl who was abandoned by her father a chance to know real love-ablity. I look forward to the day when I am not working so hard on this dark spot in my bright soul. I long for the day when I can love my whole self with a man who does too.

So in honor of Mercury, I am digging deeper- further than I have ever gone to scoop out the broken bits. I have started to write down everything I am angry about in regards to the three men who have hurt me most in my life- D., my father, and my grandfather. I write down the things I am angry at myself for. All the hurt, frustration and agony I have allowed to grow. I write these words, and place them in a little black box. Through the ritual of ceremony, I plan to burn the box and let it all go. Up into the sky, to the heavens, to the stars for God to take into his being and hold for me. To fashion something new and lovely out of the pain I have endured. No more. I want 2011 to be a year of magic, possibility and at long last, true love.

Let it begin.

This week, I will be decorating the Magic Cottage for Christmas. I am really hoping to get everything photographed and have a home tour for you soon. Promise. :)

Happy reflecting, dear reader. From great change, comes great possibility.

Cozy Enchantment

I Am so happy here.
Even when I am sick, this magical place somehow makes even that seem just fine.
There aren't any sources of light in the living room or loft, aside from lamps and the kitchen light. So I have put up white twinkle lights around the dining area, the fireplace mantle and along the loft railing. It lends its own kind of enchantment....

If you look closely, you will see Ellie snuggled up in the purple afghan on the sofa.
Sorry about the grainy pic- but it's faster these days if I upload from my phone....

The Magic Cottage

It was late, on a Weds night that I found the ad.
I had been up again, combing through Craiglist in search of my next home. There was a desperate force driving me- feeding on the hope of sleeping in my own bed again soon (Derrick's couch was not a great long term solution for my back!).
"It has to be here somewhere!", I kept saying to myself.
"It has to!"

Friends had offered many tips on how to effectively apartment hunt on CL. Using different search words, and not limiting ads to just ones with pictures were the tips I adopted.
There I was again.... searching.

I typed in the word "cottage", again. Usually it showed homes waaaaayyy out of my price range. There at the bottom of the search results was an ad for a cottage that met all of my criteria.Yikes. It was $75. more than I wanted to pay. It is definately doable. If I really loved it, and felt it was worth the extra money.

There weren't any pictures in the ad. Hmmmm... this could be good...or this could be bad....I emailed the ad poster.

Friday, mid-morning I got a call from the owner of the cottage. I made an appointment to go out and see it, immediately after work, after hearing her give me more of a description. I had to jump on this before someone else did.

Driving over there, I was thinking of my list, the one I made with all of my desires for my next home. I hadn't held back- I asked for everything I could think I would want in my next home sweet home. I was feeling something on my drive there- was it the energies of what I wanted and what the Universe was opening up to give me, lining up???
This felt good. This felt like it might go somewhere....

I pulled up and the landlady met me at the end of the driveway. I liked her immediately. She seemed smart, kind, and soft of heart in all the right ways. She had kind eyes.

We chatted as we walked down to the end of the property, which is a 1/2 acre on the West Slope that is shared with her (in her house, built in the 40's), and J. the arborist (in his house built in the 60's or 70's) , between her house and the cottage (built in the 40's or 50's). As we approached the little blue cottage, I noted that it didn't look special. But seeing it's cheerful red door set my heart racing and my head buzzing. "Don't be so sure this ISN'T special!", I suddenly heard a voice inside me say. This feels so right....

We walked in and C. was chatting about what needed to be fixed, etc. I was only half listening as I took in the vaulted ceiling with its exposed dark wooden beams; the Pergo wood floors, the windows and the light, the fireplace* with its white brick; the sweet little kitchen with a dishwasher*; the stairs that led up to the loft. 60 seconds after walking in, I made a declaration.

"I want it." I said firmly.

This is my home. This is what I have been waiting for. This is it. I knew it as surely as I knew my own name. It was worth way more than the extra $75 bucks.This was SPECIAL.

"But you haven't seen the rest of it yet!" C. countered back.

"I don't care. I want it." I said with absolute certainty.

"OK." she said. "Let's look at the rest of it then."

I could tell she was not totally convinced about me just yet. She was cautious and intrigued all at once. She hadn't known me but 5 minutes; I understood her uncertainty and remained confident in my own commitment.

She took me up to the loft**. There is a closet*, a wonderful window, and a half bathroom**.

Then we went downstairs to the cute full bathroom*, the hall, the linen closet*, the master bedroom with door leading out to the courtyard** and closet*. To the 2nd(guest)room, with it's closets* one for storage, one for the washer & dryer hook ups*, and one with the new water heater and new gas furnace).Then came the beautiful big backyard. It had a rustic fire pit dug but the previous tenants**, so much space for a garden and a hammock and possibilities galore. Beautiful trees and shrubs everywhere.

While she was showing me the backyard, I met J. the arborist. As it happened he came home on a rare night ( C. said he was there at his place when not at his girlfriend's). We all chatted for a few minutes, and it felt nice. It felt easy and comfortable and strangely familiar. We would all get along very well together, I decided.

C. told me that there was 1,200 square feet in that cottage. That is literally 5 times the size of the Boundary Street place. Holy Crap. It's like living in a mansion compared to the happy shoebox I lived in for 3 years!

"You are gonna need more furniture!" C. exclaimed. "I have a lot of furniture just sitting in my basement you may want to use. Would you like to take a look at it?"
Dumbfounded, I replied, "Yes. Yes I would!!!"

I figured saying yes is something I should get used to because I have a feeling things are going to be going the way I want them too, in this next chapter. I will be saying yes a lot more often. Yes =things opening up positively.


Later that night, I emailed C. my application ,and was approved a few days later. Now, all that is left to do is to sign my lease this weekend, pick out furniture from her basement, and move in on Monday.

This is what I have been waiting for. I am beyond excited. And soooooooo grateful.

This cottage was made out of magic for me.

My list came true. My intentions were pure.

And as much as I wanted to settle down, I didn't settle.

And you know what?

I got way more than I ever thought possible for myself.
Believing in the possibilities, staying true to my deepest desires helped this cottage open up for me. I have seen what is possible and I have experienced first hand practical magic.

Magic is not just a thing of fairytales, friends.
It is real. When perfect timing,faith, and creativity line up- that's when it happens.

That's magic, my friends.



Pictures coming very soon!
*=item on my wishlist **=bonus (not on my list and welcomed)

Seven and counting

Seven weeks have passed since I moved from Boundary Street. In that time I have:
spent hundreds of hours on Craiglist, searching for a new home
watched over a dozen movies
caught up on the Jersey Shore season 1 (I'll explain that one later. Trust me I am justified)
read 5 books
completed two hikes
cooked 5 new dishes (Morrocan Meatball, Squash, Chard Stew; Italian Meatsauce with GF noodles and Zucchini noodles, chicken meatball veggie soup; chicken veggie chili, GF pumpkin coconut pancakes; GF banana poppyseed macadamia nut bread )
attended thereapy to suss out the reason behind my relationship patterns
figured out above reasoning; reconciling and learning about family paradigms
bought 3 pairs of boots, 2 coats, 2 pairs of socks and 1 rug
paid of 90% of my debt

found my new home!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I will tell you the story of how it came to be in my next post. Stay tuned!

Forgotten

"There is nothing worse, is there," she said, "than a past that has never been fully dealt with. One can convince oneself that it is all safely in the past and forgotten about, but the very fact we can tell ourselves it is forgotten proves that it is not."
Mary Balogh from "Simply Magic"