Leather & Lace

The Union of Shiva and Shakti 

Image from ashtarcommandcrew.net

Yin and Yang
Black and white
Positive and negative
Light and dark
Male and female

Lately, I have been exploring and focused on these polarities within myself. It came about last week, as I was falling asleep. The whole right side of my body ached at different points. Funny how not at all on the left  side, I thought.
The next morning, I was reading in a book about the Inner Masculine and Inner Feminine.  The book introduced the concept that the right side of the body is the Feminine side, and the left is the Male side. Coincidence? I think not. The correlation between the two relates also to the Hindu principles of the Divine Union between Shiva (God) and Shakti (Goddess) and how when they are aligned, they are connected as One, to the Divine.

I believe in the idea that we are all of God/ Goddess, and discord between and reconnection of  the Inner Masculine and the Inner Feminine- are the hurdle to a more enlightened state of being. But I had not really thought much about it as it relates to my own physical body, or my relationship connections until now.

A few days later, I was at acupuncture and I was telling  all of this to my other acupuncturist, M.  I was further relating a new understanding- perhaps  that the reason the right side of my body had been aching, was because I am over-pronounced with my Inner Feminine. I am lacking the voice and expression of my Inner Masculine, creating a sense of numbness and disconnection from the ledt side of my physical body. M. confirmed this based on the points I showed her  were hurting. She went on  to explain some of Chinese Medicine's  concepts around Chi (the body's life force/ spirit) and the union of Yin and Yang (masculine and feminine energies), and it all lined up to what I am experiencing in my life presently. It never surprises me that my body speaks in a language that relates to what I am going through in my life on an emotional/spiritual plane.  Of course this is what would be happening for me! This is what comes out of listening to my body's messages- Aha! moments of supreme significance.  M. treated me with the needles in such a way that my body would begin to unlock the pathways to uniting the two sides. I can feel the shifting even now, gently it the left side is waking up.

Over the last week, several facts that back up this idea have presented themselves to me:
- my hormone panel test done a few months ago, revealed that I have a very high level of estrogen in my body. Estrogen is the female sex hormone.
-I am right handed, and thus I use the right side of my body quite a lot. Even my nose piercing is done on my right side of the nose.
-I am deeply disconnected from the left side of my body. The fact that I am completely deaf in my left ear ads to the disconnection and dependency on my right side was no doubt encouraged and fostered by this fact. When I stop to get quiet and really feel my body- I can honestly say I don't feel a kinship with the whole left side of myself. It is an odd sensation to realize that I feel as if one side of body is a total and complete stranger, even after living with it for 33 years.
-I have more women friends than guy friends. Strong females gravitate towards me, because I am such a fierce woman. Men that I am close to, are few and far between. I would also observe that the the men who are my close friends, are men who are comfortable with their feminine side. I also observe that the many lesbian* friends I have is again because of the fiercely strong female energy I radiate. (* this also got me thinking about all of my dear gay friends- perhaps homosexuality is the transitioning of the two energies in this lifetime...hmmm... this is fascinating to me. I have never questioned why people are gay. I have known many and have them as family and best friends. It has always seemed  to me that  it has been more about the person and what makes them to be who they are, rather than what their sexual preference is- that part seems to be the result of the balance of self in this particular life, is my theory.)
- I am right brained- meaning I live by my intuition, creativity, and feelings. The left brainers of the world are guided by logic and reason.
- all of my ex-boyfriends have been weak men and also men who are more in touch with their feminine sides and not manly men.
- I realize what I am seeking is a man who is balanced and is comfortable on both sides of those energies. My ideal man is part John Corbett's character from "The United States of Tara", part Joe Dubois from the tv show " Medium", and part Jack Johnson. The Ideal Man who I not only desire to partner in relationship with, but he is also the fully expressed version of the Male half of who I am.  The Ideal man is down-to-earth, solid, protective, a problem solver, openly communicative, logical as well as feeling. He can hold space for intellect and emotion. He is comfortable with his whole self. He is a warrior. He is a god. He is an artist. He is a scientist. He is a spiritual man. He is a family man. He is a man of heart. He is a man of reason.  He is not perfect, thus making him perfect. )

John Corbett

image from: seat42f.com

Jake Webber as "Joe Dubois", who's chracter is an actual rocket scientist on "Medium"

image from:experienciapersonal.es

Jack Johnson

song writer, singer, musician, surfer, family man, environmental advocate

image from:sports.espn.go.com

Further research into the imbalance of the Inner Masculine and Inner Female talk about how if a person is lacking and seeking a relationship with say for example as in my case, a man, it is partly, if not fully attributed to the fact that there is a huge disconnect within the self between the two sides. This resonates with me. My Female side has overshadowed my Male, and so I have no idea how to really interact or connect with a strong, whole, balanced man.

This got me pondering....
I had a dominance of the Female energy from a young age because I needed it, and it served me well. As a result, the disconnect has left me a stranger to half of myself. The idea that by calling forth, welcoming in and getting to know that side of myself can lead to inner balance feels like what I have been seeking. It becomes less about seeking out a man to be in partnership with, and more about coming into a relationship with the man in me.

As soon as I asked for these parts of me  to show up- the Inner Male (Native American Warrior God) and Inner Feminine (Celtic Priestess/ Goddess) and reveal themselves to me, they did. And they are vastly different, and yet they yearn to be united.  Its a beautiful love story waiting to be told. I feel a deep desire to not just marry myself, but to commit these two parts of who I am into a sacred union. This is what I think is really meant by "loving yourself".

It also had me wondering if this is the real reason behind why the Great Love Story resonates with so many - because when we see those happy endings, and sigh those wistful sighs- is it because we feel its a dream of fulfillment we can never have, yet we deeply desire?  Is this also why when we break up from someone we have been in a significant  partner relationship, it is so heartbreaking? Because we feel like the only way to attain this energy is through another? We know this to not be true, and yet it does not feel so if we are not enlightened. What if we realized we are our own happy ending- the uniting of our self is the romantic fairy tale we have been wanting to read all along? And what about people in successful partnerships- do the two balance each other out? Do there Inner Masculine and Inner Female all get along and play nicely with each other? Hmmmm.....

Driving to work yesterday, mulling over all of this an more, a song came on the radio that was so apropos, that it could not be a coincidence. I am including a video of a remake with Maroon 5 and Sara Evans, and the classic by Stevie Nicks and Don Henley is still my favorite. The lyrics speak to both of my parts and the love story that is unfolding within.

"Give to me your leather
Take from me, my lace..."


 g

Mighty as Ahprodite

Botticelli's "Venus de Milo"

Something amazing happened to me last night.
Something I thought would never happen- an experience that I felt sure would elude me all of my life.
It was subtle at first, and then as the feelings washed over me- it felt profound and solid. The truth of it coursing through my blood and bones. Every cell and chakra warmed by the truth of it.....

I came to realize that I love and accept my whole self 100%.

Letting go of judgments around my physical form, has been challenging. And yet, I have willed myself to to so. I have let go of negativity and a few pounds too. Not that I have really been paying attention- because I haven't.

This internal shift has been in the works for a long time, and I feel it was greatly expedited by a few things:

• my return to therapy with my intuitive therapist who uses a combination of talk therapy and reiki to work through whatever issues are up to be healed
• reiki with another friend- we trade a reiki treatment from her for an intuitive reading from me. This has been healing for both of us on so many levels.
• my willingness and diligence in healing my imbalanced and stuck energy points- reframing, listening to, and affirming
• letting go of people and situations that no longer fit me, and calling in and allowing new people and situations to show up 
• calling in the assistance and influence of the Goddess Aphrodite, after having her feature so prominently in readings  I have had done in the last couple of weeks- invoking her energy into my life as been a very real and magical experience. This new influence has inspired me  and is healing my creativity and my sexuality in a loving, kind and gentle way. 
• Venus (the Roman name for Aphrodite) just eclipsed the sun  (June 5 & 6) in a rare event that will bring Spiritual and Technical revolution in the near future as we have yet to know. 
• Venus is also retrograde until June 27, which is why it is such a perfect time that I have returned, researched, reconnected and reevaluated this planet/goddess influence in my own life

image from www.roxyjamesfiles.wordpress.com

So last night, as I was laying in my cozy bed, with Ellie snoring away beside me- I suddenly had a vision of myself interacting with another  unknown person (who was more sensed and felt than I was actually able to see exactly who it was) and felt this love surge up in me and around me. Because it has always been there, and had at last been reawakened in a way that warmed my soul like I have never known. I always expected that if that day ever come, that it would feel as if I had just run a marathon- all of the hard work and determination paying of in an endorphin ass-kicking high. It was different than that- and hardly what I expected...and so wonderful. This morning as I awoke, I could still feel the warmth of that newfound knowing present, and I knew- it's here to stay.

*happy dance*

Because I called it to me, I worked for it, I sought it, and surrendered to it. Man, I think I am actually kind of in love with myself a little. I see myself the way I look at Ellie or a dear friend or family member. Sure I have flaws and things I would prefer to improve upon and... I am also beautiful, cute, funny, awesome, voluptuous, bright, and intelligent. I am exactly what I have been waiting for. I love me for all that I am , just as I am. I am massivley grateful for all of the work, conversations, healing, loving, fearing and energy it took to get here. It has all been worth it! I feel calm and incredible at once. As if not much has changed when at the same time so much has changed that it isn't a big deal.

Aphrodite from Doreen Virtue's Goddess Oracle Deck, the one I use for readings

There is a feeling of powerful love that permeates. A sensualness- not just in a sexual sense-  also in the way that I actually experience  and fully enjoy living life through my senses. I have reclaimed my divinity- that which is in us all- and am living my everyday life with that knowing.

 I am indeed, a living goddess- mighty as Aphrodite herself. <3

What's up with you? Nothing. What's up with you?

So I am a little behind in my "Dare to Bare" Chronicles. The truth is, some of the fire has cooled from this process.. or rather its been lulled into a slow burn. Here is an update and random other related/unrelated bits:

April's Dare to Bare- Roller Skating
This dare was completed almost a month ago. I organized a skate party as farewell party for a co-worker who moved to another store. The party was held at Skate World in Hillsboro. I spent many a weekend/class party at that site. It has not changed one bit. Same gross red carpeting lining the walls of the skate rink. Same smells and probably even the same skates...
This was hard for me, because it is where I felt my inner balance issues being activated. Physically, my body is not able to feel balanced due to my deafness in my left ear. I was excited to go out on the rink, and each time I did, my body had a physical response akin to an anxiety attack. My heart was beating so fast, I felt incredibly vulnerable, and broke out into a cold sweat every time- half way through a lap. After going 4 or 5 times- I finally decided I couldn't handle it. Emotionally, physically... ugh. And that was frustrating because I wanted to do it. I love the feeling of skating to the beat of favorite song, the wind breezing through your hair, and the entering of the "magical skate zone" where you feel connected to all the other skaters because you are all experiencing the same bliss.
In the end, I was proud of myself for trying- and I was glad to be out of those skates. I had to accept that my body does not work in the way I need it to, in order to fully enjoy that activity. And that is just fine.

Many of you may have noticed that I have been quieter- I have been less communicative on FB and here on ye ol blog. That's because I have been working in my yard every free second I can. Soaking up the sunshine, landscaping, digging the garden, pulling weeds. This year I will have raspberries! And I am already working to devise a plan to catch all of the italian prunes I can to make jam in Sept. The lilacs and bluebells are in full swing. The rhodies and azaleas are thisclosetoblooming magnificently. I even found a type of Hosta plant that is called a Lakeside Cupcake Hosta. Perfect, right?

I should post some pics soon. Maybe today- probably on my other blog which is all about the magical and lovely happenings here at the Magic Cottage.

When I am not playing in the dirt, I have been making time to see friends, make a little art, read (my friend Amy got me hooked on the ''Magic Allie Beckstrom" series by Portland author Devon Monk).  I have also returned to therapy and am digging the the garden of my soul- weeding it out and planting some beautiful new flowers. Its hard work- that therapy and I am thrilled to be doing it. It has also brought about a more introverted side of myself- I don't feel the need to talk out the inner workings as much as I normally might. Because I'm chewing on so much, so to speak. Nom, nom, nom.....

Mine

As the current Mercury Retrograde, comes to an end (on the 4th...yes, I can feel the eyeroll happening from those who know me and my observance of these periods. "Astrology is not something to believe in- it is something to know about." ), I am finding that dispite the major ass-kicking I recieved- I feel wiser and stronger for it. I have gained clarity and insight that I might not otherwise have.


"Heart Of Gold"

I want to live,
I want to give
I've been a miner
for a heart of gold.
It's these expressions
I never give
That keep me searching
for a heart of gold
And I'm getting old.
Keeps me searching
for a heart of gold
And I'm getting old.

Is it a coincidence that to "mine" is defined as "To extract (ore or minerals) from the earth." and that the word "mine" also means "belonging to me"? The connection here is not lost on me. I have been digging deep over the last 3 weeks, and have unearthed some gorgeous gems. It was not easy work. I have been mining for heart of gold- not believing that my own was what I sought. Or rather believing that mine would only be validated upon the discovery of another's.

"Lord, what fool's these mortals be!" -Puck from " A MidSummers Night Dream".

There is a vast difference between the words " believe" and "know". I am a smart cookie, and I am knowledgeable about things that others are not, and many things that others are also aware of.
But what I believe, especially about myself secretly, does not always line up with what I know to be true. Sometimes, we play the fool in that we allow false beliefs to direct our lives.

Pure relief and delight have enveloped me in the last 12 hours. I was struggling to make peace between what I knew and what I believed. While I have not quite reconciled some of my secret beliefs (and plan to address them now that they have been discovered and no doubt are the culprit behind what holds me back), what I know to be true has shifted. As GI Joe once said- " knowing is half the battle."

What I know to be true for me and what I believe is this:

I am not missing out on anything
I am exactly, precisely, perfectly, rightly, positively where I am supposed to be.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with me.
I have a heart of gold- it shines brightly, truly, and magnificently.

And that is what is mine.

I Am The Only One Who Can Do That

In the shower a bit ago, it dawned on me that I have been waiting for someone else to show up in my life and validate my worth, and allow me to discover how I would be happier.
Ouch. That is painful to admit because I know better than that.
I know the Universal Truth that happiness does not come from any external source. I just don't believe it to be true for me. That is one of the Dirty Little Secrets I have been living my life from.

This is a wake up call. Time to Wash Out those dirty old beliefs for good, because they are not bringing me anything but down.

The Real Truth is:
I am already worthy and validated just as I am. No person, job, thing, or situation has the power to determine otherwise. It is non-negotiable because it just is. Much the same way the sky is blue and water is wet, I am a valuable, outstanding, amazing human being as is.

I do not need to lose weight, dress in a certain fashion, listen to certain music, read specific books, obtain a collage degree, be in a relationship, or make buckets of money to be worthy.

I just am.

Secondly, I AM THE ONE I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR. The only difference is that by accepting this Universal Truth of myself, I will gravitate towards others who believe this about their selves too. My life will be affected by those interactions and connections- it will not be determined by them.

What a scary and liberating concept to wholeheartedly embrace.

Does this mean I remain single my whole life? Maybe. It means I wouldn't be settling for anything less than what I know I deserve, that is for certain.

Internal Affairs

Ugh.
There is a lot I haven't been saying lately, here. I have been internalizing most of it, because its quite jumbled up in my head. A fog of confusion seems to be permeating my brain cells, and I am awash with uncertainty.

I want to blame it on the moon.
My hormones.
Mercury retrograde.
Mars retrograde.
Lack of sleep.
Stagnation.
.....

And sure maybe all of that has a hand in it, or maybe I am just at a place that defies explanation. Its this strange place where I am navigating the terrain of my emotions. I am endeavoring to do so with more patience and objectivity than I ever thought possible for me. It feels like NOTHING is changing. I feel STUCK. " I worry too much over situations I know will be alright." Spring time happenings remind me other wise, and I vague notions of feeling similarly last year. Seeing the green shoots of the bluebells working their way out of the soil helps me to remember that growth happens in its own time, and even when you think it's not.

I am being stretched beyond my comfort zone- old issues are up and I am trying hard not to treat them the way I always have.
Money.
Relationships.
Work.
Future Projects.
Nourishing my body.

It all feels like a ball of wax in my head, and I worry I will never make sense of it all. I want to go into greater detail, but then I don't want to perpetuate the negatively of what I am feeling now. Plus, I don't know who actually reads this blog- so I don't want to get too personal. (I do post these on FB sometimes, and I imagine that people I know and work with read it, and then don't want to admit to reading it because they enjoy being a voyeur. Hell I do when I read other blogs, so I get it- totally. Not that anything I have to say is about any of those people- its just I don't know. .... I don't know... I just need to get it out of my head and for some clarity to announce itself.



*le sigh*

Dare to Bare- Wrap Up: Belly Dance

Q: What was the most difficult part of this month's dare, Take a Dance Class

A:
Quite a lot actually.
1.)staring at myself trying to move my body in foreign rhythms
2.)isolating muscle groups
3.)finding rhythm i.e. getting both sides of my brain to work simultaneously
4.)not beating myself up for catching on


Q: Were there any particular themes that came up, repeatedly for you?
A: Patience. I had to put it in to perspective- how could I expect myself to pick up Belly Dancing over the course of 4 introductory classes? My teacher is a natural dancer and has been doing so for most of her life( and she was awesome, BTW. If anyone is interested in taking Belly, I highly recommend Ziggy at Viscount. Her teaching style is relaxed and informative, and she is so very welcoming and engaging. Thanks Ziggy for helping to make my experience a good one!) I simply could not expect myself to master the dance in such a short time. Did I fall in love with it? No, not quite. That has more to do with the fact that I felt slightly discouraged by what I felt, was a lack of naturally inclined skill. Sure I can shake my ass and I can find the beat of a song- but choreography is a language I don't understand.


Q: When did you feel most vulnerable?
A: Staring back at myself in that giant mirror. It was hard not to compare myself to my teacher and other students. I had to remind myself to "Be Kind and have fun" each time my mind started to go to that place. It was not an easy task to do. Truthfully, my body image issues raged a war that I continue to wrestle with. I suppose it becomes less so, the more one is exposed to that environment. It was jarring for me.

Q:On a scale of 1- 5, rate the difficulty of this dare.
A: 6

Q: How were you inspired by what you learned?
A: Belly Dance began to reawaken the sensuality I had forgotten, lives inside me. I don't need to be in a relationship to experience that. Just my movements of walking down the street and being aware of the natural rhythm of the body is satisfying. Its a reminder that this body and the energy it makes and shares, can be done in various ways. Brushing my teeth can be a sensual experience when I am shimmying my hips. More than anything, the idea that sensuality can infuse every day actions was inspiring. It is fun to be a woman (most of the time). Accepting my body in all of its deliciousness without comparing it to others is inspiring- as well as a philosophy I am carrying with me daily.

Q; So , what's next and what are you looking forward to most about the next dare?
A: Roller skating! Its been at least 20 years since I was on skates. Those days of riding the rink at Skate World in the 80's and 90's has me feeling super nostalgic. And anxious. I am really hesitant to have any of my friends see my on skates, because I am afraid of falling, clinging to the wall, and just looking like a scardey cat all around. But god- how miss the feel of the speed, whipping around those corners with my acid washed jeans and jelly bracelets....
The plan is for me to take some private refresher lessons where I can reacquaint myself with the feeling of being on wheels, as well as gauge how comfortable I am on them. Re-learning the basics like how to stop and turn (20 years, people..I am worried I forgot it all). Then I plan to put together some skate events where any of my friends who want to go out and skate the night away with me, can. Finally, there is a Roller Derby class I also want to take. Cuz in case ya'll missed the memo, I am kind of a bad ass- that may or may not translate on skates. :)