What's up with you? Nothing. What's up with you?

So I am a little behind in my "Dare to Bare" Chronicles. The truth is, some of the fire has cooled from this process.. or rather its been lulled into a slow burn. Here is an update and random other related/unrelated bits:

April's Dare to Bare- Roller Skating
This dare was completed almost a month ago. I organized a skate party as farewell party for a co-worker who moved to another store. The party was held at Skate World in Hillsboro. I spent many a weekend/class party at that site. It has not changed one bit. Same gross red carpeting lining the walls of the skate rink. Same smells and probably even the same skates...
This was hard for me, because it is where I felt my inner balance issues being activated. Physically, my body is not able to feel balanced due to my deafness in my left ear. I was excited to go out on the rink, and each time I did, my body had a physical response akin to an anxiety attack. My heart was beating so fast, I felt incredibly vulnerable, and broke out into a cold sweat every time- half way through a lap. After going 4 or 5 times- I finally decided I couldn't handle it. Emotionally, physically... ugh. And that was frustrating because I wanted to do it. I love the feeling of skating to the beat of favorite song, the wind breezing through your hair, and the entering of the "magical skate zone" where you feel connected to all the other skaters because you are all experiencing the same bliss.
In the end, I was proud of myself for trying- and I was glad to be out of those skates. I had to accept that my body does not work in the way I need it to, in order to fully enjoy that activity. And that is just fine.

Many of you may have noticed that I have been quieter- I have been less communicative on FB and here on ye ol blog. That's because I have been working in my yard every free second I can. Soaking up the sunshine, landscaping, digging the garden, pulling weeds. This year I will have raspberries! And I am already working to devise a plan to catch all of the italian prunes I can to make jam in Sept. The lilacs and bluebells are in full swing. The rhodies and azaleas are thisclosetoblooming magnificently. I even found a type of Hosta plant that is called a Lakeside Cupcake Hosta. Perfect, right?

I should post some pics soon. Maybe today- probably on my other blog which is all about the magical and lovely happenings here at the Magic Cottage.

When I am not playing in the dirt, I have been making time to see friends, make a little art, read (my friend Amy got me hooked on the ''Magic Allie Beckstrom" series by Portland author Devon Monk).  I have also returned to therapy and am digging the the garden of my soul- weeding it out and planting some beautiful new flowers. Its hard work- that therapy and I am thrilled to be doing it. It has also brought about a more introverted side of myself- I don't feel the need to talk out the inner workings as much as I normally might. Because I'm chewing on so much, so to speak. Nom, nom, nom.....

Mine

As the current Mercury Retrograde, comes to an end (on the 4th...yes, I can feel the eyeroll happening from those who know me and my observance of these periods. "Astrology is not something to believe in- it is something to know about." ), I am finding that dispite the major ass-kicking I recieved- I feel wiser and stronger for it. I have gained clarity and insight that I might not otherwise have.


"Heart Of Gold"

I want to live,
I want to give
I've been a miner
for a heart of gold.
It's these expressions
I never give
That keep me searching
for a heart of gold
And I'm getting old.
Keeps me searching
for a heart of gold
And I'm getting old.

Is it a coincidence that to "mine" is defined as "To extract (ore or minerals) from the earth." and that the word "mine" also means "belonging to me"? The connection here is not lost on me. I have been digging deep over the last 3 weeks, and have unearthed some gorgeous gems. It was not easy work. I have been mining for heart of gold- not believing that my own was what I sought. Or rather believing that mine would only be validated upon the discovery of another's.

"Lord, what fool's these mortals be!" -Puck from " A MidSummers Night Dream".

There is a vast difference between the words " believe" and "know". I am a smart cookie, and I am knowledgeable about things that others are not, and many things that others are also aware of.
But what I believe, especially about myself secretly, does not always line up with what I know to be true. Sometimes, we play the fool in that we allow false beliefs to direct our lives.

Pure relief and delight have enveloped me in the last 12 hours. I was struggling to make peace between what I knew and what I believed. While I have not quite reconciled some of my secret beliefs (and plan to address them now that they have been discovered and no doubt are the culprit behind what holds me back), what I know to be true has shifted. As GI Joe once said- " knowing is half the battle."

What I know to be true for me and what I believe is this:

I am not missing out on anything
I am exactly, precisely, perfectly, rightly, positively where I am supposed to be.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with me.
I have a heart of gold- it shines brightly, truly, and magnificently.

And that is what is mine.

I Am The Only One Who Can Do That

In the shower a bit ago, it dawned on me that I have been waiting for someone else to show up in my life and validate my worth, and allow me to discover how I would be happier.
Ouch. That is painful to admit because I know better than that.
I know the Universal Truth that happiness does not come from any external source. I just don't believe it to be true for me. That is one of the Dirty Little Secrets I have been living my life from.

This is a wake up call. Time to Wash Out those dirty old beliefs for good, because they are not bringing me anything but down.

The Real Truth is:
I am already worthy and validated just as I am. No person, job, thing, or situation has the power to determine otherwise. It is non-negotiable because it just is. Much the same way the sky is blue and water is wet, I am a valuable, outstanding, amazing human being as is.

I do not need to lose weight, dress in a certain fashion, listen to certain music, read specific books, obtain a collage degree, be in a relationship, or make buckets of money to be worthy.

I just am.

Secondly, I AM THE ONE I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR. The only difference is that by accepting this Universal Truth of myself, I will gravitate towards others who believe this about their selves too. My life will be affected by those interactions and connections- it will not be determined by them.

What a scary and liberating concept to wholeheartedly embrace.

Does this mean I remain single my whole life? Maybe. It means I wouldn't be settling for anything less than what I know I deserve, that is for certain.

Internal Affairs

Ugh.
There is a lot I haven't been saying lately, here. I have been internalizing most of it, because its quite jumbled up in my head. A fog of confusion seems to be permeating my brain cells, and I am awash with uncertainty.

I want to blame it on the moon.
My hormones.
Mercury retrograde.
Mars retrograde.
Lack of sleep.
Stagnation.
.....

And sure maybe all of that has a hand in it, or maybe I am just at a place that defies explanation. Its this strange place where I am navigating the terrain of my emotions. I am endeavoring to do so with more patience and objectivity than I ever thought possible for me. It feels like NOTHING is changing. I feel STUCK. " I worry too much over situations I know will be alright." Spring time happenings remind me other wise, and I vague notions of feeling similarly last year. Seeing the green shoots of the bluebells working their way out of the soil helps me to remember that growth happens in its own time, and even when you think it's not.

I am being stretched beyond my comfort zone- old issues are up and I am trying hard not to treat them the way I always have.
Money.
Relationships.
Work.
Future Projects.
Nourishing my body.

It all feels like a ball of wax in my head, and I worry I will never make sense of it all. I want to go into greater detail, but then I don't want to perpetuate the negatively of what I am feeling now. Plus, I don't know who actually reads this blog- so I don't want to get too personal. (I do post these on FB sometimes, and I imagine that people I know and work with read it, and then don't want to admit to reading it because they enjoy being a voyeur. Hell I do when I read other blogs, so I get it- totally. Not that anything I have to say is about any of those people- its just I don't know. .... I don't know... I just need to get it out of my head and for some clarity to announce itself.



*le sigh*

Dare to Bare- Wrap Up: Belly Dance

Q: What was the most difficult part of this month's dare, Take a Dance Class

A:
Quite a lot actually.
1.)staring at myself trying to move my body in foreign rhythms
2.)isolating muscle groups
3.)finding rhythm i.e. getting both sides of my brain to work simultaneously
4.)not beating myself up for catching on


Q: Were there any particular themes that came up, repeatedly for you?
A: Patience. I had to put it in to perspective- how could I expect myself to pick up Belly Dancing over the course of 4 introductory classes? My teacher is a natural dancer and has been doing so for most of her life( and she was awesome, BTW. If anyone is interested in taking Belly, I highly recommend Ziggy at Viscount. Her teaching style is relaxed and informative, and she is so very welcoming and engaging. Thanks Ziggy for helping to make my experience a good one!) I simply could not expect myself to master the dance in such a short time. Did I fall in love with it? No, not quite. That has more to do with the fact that I felt slightly discouraged by what I felt, was a lack of naturally inclined skill. Sure I can shake my ass and I can find the beat of a song- but choreography is a language I don't understand.


Q: When did you feel most vulnerable?
A: Staring back at myself in that giant mirror. It was hard not to compare myself to my teacher and other students. I had to remind myself to "Be Kind and have fun" each time my mind started to go to that place. It was not an easy task to do. Truthfully, my body image issues raged a war that I continue to wrestle with. I suppose it becomes less so, the more one is exposed to that environment. It was jarring for me.

Q:On a scale of 1- 5, rate the difficulty of this dare.
A: 6

Q: How were you inspired by what you learned?
A: Belly Dance began to reawaken the sensuality I had forgotten, lives inside me. I don't need to be in a relationship to experience that. Just my movements of walking down the street and being aware of the natural rhythm of the body is satisfying. Its a reminder that this body and the energy it makes and shares, can be done in various ways. Brushing my teeth can be a sensual experience when I am shimmying my hips. More than anything, the idea that sensuality can infuse every day actions was inspiring. It is fun to be a woman (most of the time). Accepting my body in all of its deliciousness without comparing it to others is inspiring- as well as a philosophy I am carrying with me daily.

Q; So , what's next and what are you looking forward to most about the next dare?
A: Roller skating! Its been at least 20 years since I was on skates. Those days of riding the rink at Skate World in the 80's and 90's has me feeling super nostalgic. And anxious. I am really hesitant to have any of my friends see my on skates, because I am afraid of falling, clinging to the wall, and just looking like a scardey cat all around. But god- how miss the feel of the speed, whipping around those corners with my acid washed jeans and jelly bracelets....
The plan is for me to take some private refresher lessons where I can reacquaint myself with the feeling of being on wheels, as well as gauge how comfortable I am on them. Re-learning the basics like how to stop and turn (20 years, people..I am worried I forgot it all). Then I plan to put together some skate events where any of my friends who want to go out and skate the night away with me, can. Finally, there is a Roller Derby class I also want to take. Cuz in case ya'll missed the memo, I am kind of a bad ass- that may or may not translate on skates. :)

Botulism: A Dance With The Devil

I am writing this from the comfort of my bed- one of the favorite places in my life. (with its temperpedic mattress, freshly washed jersey cotton sheets, fluffy/firm pillows and down comforter- how could it not be?). I am poised to enter Slumber Land, and before I do I felt it was important to document today, as it may very well be my last day due to the Dance.....

Today, I it was my Sunday and I spent it:
writing a budget fro the next 2 months
on the phone with the car insurance company, the rental car company, assorted utilities making payments
washing windows in the sunshine
doing laundry pt. 1 (which consists of washing everything, and putting it in a giant pile on the table in the laundry/guest room. Tomorrow post work- pt 2: sorting, folding/hanging/ putting it all away)
cleaning out and organizing cupboards in the kitchen
doing the dishes
attempting to make Carnitas Enchiladas... this is where the story gets DANGEROUS. Brace yourselves.

In the midst of all the time spent in my kitchen today, sun shining, music filling the space...I pulled out of the freezer the leftover carnitas I made via my Crock Pot Husband last week. As I was cleaning out my cupboards, I decided to use a can of slightly dented tomatoes, to thicken the sauce for the enchiladas. The sauce was made from the frozen carnitas broth, and the tomatoes, and a little tapioca starch made it perfectly viscous. I boiled the shit out of it- partly because I wanted to reduce it down to a very thick sauce, and also because in the back of my mind the possibility of the tomatoes being contaminated with Botulism was present.
I sauteed up the carnitas with mushrooms, red pepper, onion, and kale. Oh the smells were heavenly! I spooned a few table spoons of the sauce in to the pan with the meat and veggies because I wanted to spice it up a skosh. A little paranoid voice piped up and said " don't do it Paula!"
Too late. I took a few bites. Oh.my.god. It was perfection....

What my close friends and family know about me, is that I can work myself up into a panic and become drenched in anxiety if I ponder a possibility of life-threatening magnitude. And this is exactly what began to happen...

What if I had just given myself Botulism??!!! I would be dead by morning...Crikey!!!

Feeling like Bridget Jones: Overly- Dramatic Singleton, my mind raced... the Internet was too vague or too specific. The idea of posing the question to all of my Facebook friends made me feel vulnerable and stupid. But I needed to find the information that would soothe my fears of being found, days later dead with my cat circling my lifeless body wondering when dinner was being served....these are the places my mind goes as a single woman. (Bridget's fear is being found dead, as wild dogs feed on her lifeless body...)

So I called my oldest friend Susie, who is a brilliant biologist, in Seattle.

" Hi."
" Hi. I need to ask you a question about something scientific, because I am kind of freaking out right now. I need to talk to someone smarter than I am, about this."
"Ok. What is going on?"

I explained the enchilada fiasco.

"So... do you think I am ok? Am I going to die Suz?"
Pause.
She asked a few questions about the condition of the can, and I answered.
Pause.
" I think you are going to be ok."
exhale. giggles from both of us.
" Suz, will you call me in the morning to make sure I am still alive?"
" Of course. I totally get it. I just asked a friend to do the same thing for me last week, before a night hiking expedition for work." More giggles. "Your tombstone would read, " Here lies Paula. She died from Botulism." More giggles.
We proceeded to laugh, really , really hard about the whole thing (and also the mention of this video we made in high school for our Humanities class). The humor of the situation- that this is what single people, like myself, have to resort to in odd situations such as this. It felt good to share the anxiety with someone else who not only understood my situation and could relate, but someone who knows me well and didn't make me feel stupid for freaking out. That is a great friend. (Thanks again, Suz!!!! <3)

There is nothing like a dance with the devil, to make you appreciate your life. If today was my last day, would I be ok with that? Have I done everything, said everything I want to?
No.
I haven't been in love.
I haven't seen Ireland.
I haven't written my book.
I haven't had a baby.
I haven't ... well the list is long.
My life is short, and time is fleeting....
and the laundry is not going to fold itself, no matter how much I might wish otherwise....

If I wake up tomorrow, (and its quite likely I will), I will be grateful for another day. Holy Toasted Marshmallows- there is so much life to live!!!! Its too short for eating Carnitas Enchiladas sprinkled with the possibility of Botulism!

Carpe Diem, People!!!!! Go get it!

Changing Things

"If you change the way you look at things- the things you look at will change. " ~ Wayne Dyer

I find myself dreading my next Belly Dance Class.
Because it means I have to try harder at zoning in on my body.
Being present.
Looking at at it.
Owning it.
Feeling it.
It is very difficult for me to do.
There is a reason why I dared myself to do this- without challenging myself to publicly, I might otherwise just ignore it.
The challenge of the surfacing fears and feelings, ignites my rebellious streak. Finding another perspective to look out at my body and feelings from becomes necessary in sustaining the pace.

I need to remember that I am not in competition with anyone else other than myself. It doesn't matter if I ever master Belly Dancing. What matters is my attitude, the openness of mind and heart to the experience, and the beauty of knowing that I have it in me to do my best.

My body shape will not change over night, and perhaps the way I look at my body's shape will...