Susan Miller Says

Dear Future Love,
Susan Miller of Astrology Zone says that this April, is finally, finally my true love month. Aspects and transits, for which I will spare the details, point to the most favorable time of my romantic life to date.
Sure, I am an astrologer myself, but even I don't put all of my faith in the stars.
But just in case, I thought it couldn't hurt if I wrote to you.
You are out there somewhere.
I know you are.
Of that I am sure.
Most of the time.
I like to think that maybe the reason we haven't gotten together is because we were both really busy working through lessons in other relationships. Prerequisite classes for our time.
I don't believe in love at first sight.
And I am so over lust at first sight.
What I am hoping for us- is somewhere in the middle.

Sometimes, when faced with intense emotions and situations, I get dumbstruck. Tongue-tied. Yeah me. That will make more sense as you get to know me. I am trying to liberate myself from the fear that induces the deer-in-the-headlights look. That's part of the reason for this letter here.
Maybe if I say it- say all the words out load in such a public way, it will lend me courage in that moment. The one where we look at each other, and know.
You are the peanut butter to my jelly.
And if in that moment you hesitate, even for a second wondering- don't- because I will say yes.
I will.
I'm just shy. Like you. When it comes to matters of my deep heart.
And I am tired of being the one to initiate. That's one thing I have learned from my relationships past. This is the signal. This is the green light. Please be bold, where I am concerned.It gets hard to read between the lines, and my intuition will only take me as far as my imagination will allow me to dream.
I want to be seen and accepted.
I want to be adored and affected.
I want to to lean on and let you in.
I want equal give and take and to be ensconced in the love we make.
I want to love with my whole self.
I haven't done these things yet. Because I wasn't ready to call it in.
And now I am. From the top of the hill I live on, I shout out to the world- with you somewhere in it:
" Come see about me. Come take my hand and gift me with your smile, your piercing, soul-full eyes and the willingness to be what we will. Come open your heart and let the love you've made pour out to meet with mine. There, in that space between us is where the adventure begins."

So there you go. It's yours when you are ready. All you have to do is ask. Meanwhile, back at the ranch, I'll keep stepping along in my pleasant little life. Patient. And even a little skeptical towards Ms. Miller's prediction.
But I will be hoping too.
For me.
For you.
What is yet to be.

With love,
Me

T.G.I.F- Thank God- I 'm Fabulous!

Just arriving home from an early afternoon brunch with my BFF.
On this rainy, gray, wet day it was wonderful to re-connect with a person who is a bright spot in my life. Sometimes I forget what we are to each other (well, it's true Babycakes! I do!) Because I get so wrapped up in my life away from our friendship. Each of us has monumental happenings both large and small, and shifts of perception and induced clarity, a thousand times a day. Distractions and personal gardens of growth we are constantly tending to.
But when we do connect- earth to fire- fire to earth, it is always an uplifting time.
We chatted about the deeper sides of our lives- what's REALLY going on internally, and the effects those happenings have externally.
The stuff I don't talk to everyone about.
The stuff that maybe only a handful of you might truly be open to connecting with.
And why is that?
Because we are afraid of the brilliance reflected back at us, in those moments of vulnerable connection. Something is seen there, that is too easily passed over with the everyday naked eye.
My entire life, I have walked through the world, sometimes knowingly, and sometimes unknowingly, seeing clearly the brilliance in others. Intuitively, clips of their lives play out before me. Moments filled with passion and emotions born of fire. I see it there.
I see the good, the bad, and the ugly.
I see the lonely, the connected, and the beautiful.
I see the sun shining in it's personal Universe, inside the average man on the street.
I see where the lights went out and the complete surrender to ever finding their way back to the effervescent illumination.

I see all of this, maybe a hundred times a day, depending on the place I am, geographically. It happens in an instant. So quick, I often don't register it as unnatural.



Recently, an interaction and discussion with another friend, had me stunned to realize the magnitude of my own fear of my own brilliant fabulousness. This friend, like no other I had met, could see into me, the way I see into others. Well, maybe not quite the same- specifics were not mentioned. The eyes that looked into mine, pierced through my confidence, and shattered my pre-occupations with others by reflecting back the most lovely, brilliant light. Mine.
I knew it was there.
I talk about it being there. A lot.
I remind others of their own.
I had accepted that just knowing mine was there, and that others could see it as a beacon for which to locate theirs, was enough.
Until I saw mine.
Because it scared the shit out of me.
I felt vulnerable, naked. Embarrassed at my lack of coverage.
Try as I might, to cover it, it would not be nullified. It haunted me.
How did it take this person to come into my life and show me this about myself?
Obviously, it's because now, more than ever- I am ready to see it.

And I have tried to cover it up- that blinding, magical, pulsing energy of the Universe which is contained in this human vehicle.
The extra weight I carry? Yes, some of it is genetic. PCOS challenges my metabolism to work differently than most. My hormones need assistance to balance.
The fat, such an ugly word, is there to protect me. Its a layer to keep out the energies of others. I am sensitive- incredibly sensitive to those around me. I soak up energy and feelings like a sponge. And this innate sense I have to do that, also caused me to build up a wall. Brick by brick. From the moment of conception, construction began.
There has been much comfort derived with the building the wall. It keeps me from being vulnerable. It keeps me from truly being aligned. There is a part of me that rationalizes that it keeps me safe from emotional hurt- mine or others. It keeps who I really am, hidden from view.
Even from myself.
Until recently.
Dear God, I was completely shaken to my core by that vision of myself.
The fear is enough to keep me building. How can I handle that? What do I do with it? Who am I, if I let myself shine without blocking the view?
I don't know.
The larger, wiser, loving part of me challenges me to put down the brick in my hand and stop. It knows what will happen.
Everything I want, need, and am is held within that light.
The searching will end.
It will just be.
Marianne Williamson wrote:
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
God, Universe, Buddha, Allah,The Force, The Talking Walnut- whatever you call it matters very little. It exists inside each of us no matter what it is named. It's presence is undeniable.
But so easily we shrink away from that.
We drink. We smoke. We eat. We have sex. We engage in co-dependent, miserable relationships. We play video games. We read gossip websites. We workout incessantly. We take drugs.We gamble, with our money, our energy, our time. These things done on their own are not negative- when they are done to block and numb out our light- that's when they become unhealthy.
Liberation from fear continues for me. A conscious work effort to behold the light of brilliant truth and love that exists in me. I am worthy. So are you.
While at brunch with my BFF, she gave me my belated birthday gift. A Indian cookbook (to nourish myself with the exotic!) and a card. The above picture. TGIF. That pin attached to the card, is my reminder and merit badge.
It's yours too.
Thank God I am FABULOUS! We are FABULOUS!
Fuck yeah.

The Point

The Universe is constantly placing us exactly where we are meant to
be,
and it is with open eyes and hearts, that we are able to trust in the
forward motion we are propelled to go.

Life goes on and that is the struggle, the beauty and the gift. The
whole point is simply to remember who we really are.

To All the Ones Who Let Me Go

Thank you.
For breaking my heart.
For making me question my own agendas.
Thank you for making me see parts of myself that needed loving illumination.
Thanks for the laughter.
Thanks for the hot tears of anger.
Thanks for the tender goodbyes.
Thanks for the inside jokes that will live on- our own private shrine to our time spent together.
Thank you for loving me enough to know I wasn't what you needed.
Thank you for pushing me forward into this place I am now.

This afternoon, after a light nap, I stood looking out the window of my room.
The sun was dancing through the clouds, and a mist of rain swirled around intermittently. .
There between the veils of this place and the next, I saw it.
In the quiet, of my mind, and my heart, my soul.
I glimpsed, for the first time in years, what is to come for me.
And for everyplace I went searching for what is on it's way to me now, of it's own timing and accord- I see the purpose behind it all so clearly.
It is almost blinding.
Something in me has turned over into a new direction, surprising and completely unexpected. The walls I have worked to dismantle, and the load I have worked to lighten are in plain sight.
There is a calm residing in my bones like I have never known.
Come what may, when it will.
Fear is absent and the connection true and absolute.
I wait patiently for it's arrival, the word "yes", on the tip of my tongue a thousand times a day. I understand that I could not receive it so openly in my heart, if not for
the ones who let me go.
Thank you.

women food and god

12 pages into this book by Geneen Roth I am f'n riveted. This book isn't just for the women.
It's amazing.
It's true.
It gets right to the heart of it in 12 pages.
Damn.
I strongly urge you to go to your local library or book store and checkout or buy this book.
Seriously.
More later.

Signs of life and the dead speak in Silence

Last night after a particularly weird and jarring dream, I awoke with the intent to go for a walk in my neighborhood.
In my dream, I had done just that.
I woke up, put on my clothes and coat, and shoes and walked out the door.
It is overcast, as usual. But the sun was working hard to shine though the gray veil. The air smelled like rain. And in fact, it was dropping in tiny drops. Uninhibited by the rain, I walked down the driveway, and onto the street. Up the hill, down the hill, around the windy road.
I was looking for signs of life.
They were every where.
The gentle buds on flowering trees. The pink blossoms on the tree in my neighbor's yard, which seemed to bloom overnight.
The happy daffodils. The shy hyacinths. The wind whispering on my face, cold and invigorating.
My legs moved and my feet anchored into the earth with every step. I found myself wondering if I was a tree, what kind of tree would I be.
Something with silvery colored leaves. Like a eucalyptus tree.
Half-way up the walk, I stopped to visit the Jewish Cemetery on my street. I love cemeteries. They are a really peaceful place for me. I don't actually get much interaction with the spirit world, when I am there. I might get some wispy spirits. But I made sure to have my shields up when I stepped foot onto that hollow ground. I find it's easier for me to get my bearings there. The dead mostly speak with their silence. I like wandering around the tombstones, and taking notice of the husbands and wives birthdays.I ponder their connections as I decipher their zodiac signs. What were there lives like together? Occasionally they talk back. I chuckle. Even in the afterlife, there is a sense of humor.
Walking up my driveway, I checked the time. I had been gone almost exactly an hour.
I felt refreshed and grounded. Ready to take on my day.
I just needed to be outside.

taming the fire

It's difficult for me to sometimes keep my fire in check.
I react quickly to situations that ignite a hot reaction.
Stepping back and asking "what would Love do here?" has been something I have been trying to incorporate into my daily life.
Being grounded has been important.
Creating a protective bubble against the emotions I pick up around me. It becomes harder to separate myself from what I psychically take on, versus what is actually mine. I finally figured out the reasons I don't like to talk on the phone, or be in crowds, or busy places in general, I more often than not prefer the silence to noise- because my gentle psychic self cannot handle it. It's too much. Any opportunity I can take to be alone without interruptions, I seize zestfully. Though I don't want to be a hermit. I do want to be a sassy little witch living in her Magic Cottage, on her Witchy Wonderland.
So I put my roots down, and my branches up, shields full power.
Learning to walk in the world, being as sensitve as I am, grounded and available. Balance between earth and sky.
Sun and moon.
Yin and yang.
In and out.
Of and On.
And on, it goes.
Om Namah shivaya.