Punkin' Delights & Autum Anger

I love pumpkin. I love the smell, the taste, the texture.Mmmmmm....I love Halloween too, though it's been years since I have had any fun with it. I fear this year will be no exception.
But the lovely fall day called for some pumpkin muffins. It's been awhile too, since I've baked. Those muffins are proof that indeed I am a bit rusty. I used spelt flour and cornbread mix..( I ran out of flour!) and stevia to sweeten. They're just ok. They smell good though.


Check out the little stress reduction device I found when I wandered into the dollar store today ( I was looking for a dish drying rack). I especially love the part where it says on the back of the package that reads " squeeze his chest - he's heartless so it won't hurt him but it will make you feel better." Oh how I laughed! I have to admit that I am now almost fully immersed in the bitter, angry phase of my break-up.
*sigh* Oh yes, my friends. There is a rage burning inside me over the happenings in my relationship. And it's focused on both "the asshole" and myself. I am angry at him for reasons to numerous to count right now. And he better hope to God he doesn't ever run into me in the near future. Especially if he's with HER. Asshole. I have the urge to just stand in a room and scream at him, reducing him to the puddle of weakness he is right now. A weak man who makes weak choices.
Ok so that's not ever really going to happen. Because I will take the high road. Because I will rise above the childishness and martyrdom I happen to feel currently. I will carry on! I will survive! "I will not be beat by a bad man and his stick insect girlfriend." I will go to the gym and run out the anger. And continue to squeeze his little chest - heartless bastard who is afraid to grow up and be a fucking man. Hope he's happy with his twig of a girl- friend. Pixie ho.
To the gym!!!!!

*insert long sigh here*

I am home.
Surrounded by piles of crap.
I have way too much shit.
I have been purging mass quantities of my stuff. I have only ONE closet. That translates to almost ZERO storage space.
It is however, a splendid opportunity to simplify my life.
I 'll be making another trip to the goodwill today.

Speaking of simplifying my life - I bet you are wondering how I am doing.
Well, pretty great actually. The break-up with the ex was really, really, really hard.
I know you all are wondering what happened and I don't really want to go into details other than to say this:
He met someone else who he fell in love with and cheated on me with.
He loved me, but wasn't in love with me.
We should not have ever gotten back together.

I am doing so well now, because I made a firm choice to LET GO AND RELEASE HIM.
It has been amazing how it has set me free. I have some last little bits of anger and resentment, and those are fading quickly, as is the hurt. I am so very aware of the fact that this experience does not mean the end of anything for me, but rather it is the start of something new and delicious. I am really enjoying just being me again. Making a home for myself and getting settled in my job too. Looking forward to getting into a routine- going to the gym , cooking again, seeing my friends, going out, relaxing...all of the stuff that I have been in too much turmoil to do. And it's mercury retrograde until Nov 1. Knowing that until that's over it isn't a good time to start anything new, has allowed me to really soak of this whole introspective time now.

Thats all I got today. I finally got my internet up and working at home. The only drawback is that I cannot get my wireless hub to work. I called Apple today, and it's going to cost me another $50.00 to get that issue straightened out.
Fuck.
Loving the mercury retrograde!!!

A song to myself

Moving the mountain

A mountain of freight is overwhelming me at work.
I have been by myself the last two days as the onslaught of holiday freight has begun to show up. Upon my arrival this morning, my receiver looked at me and said, " Hey you see these two PALLETS of boxes? Yeah - they are yours." I had been crying in the car on the way to work this morning after hearing a John Mayer song, ( see the clip below...so much for break-up moving on process...) and had to sit in the car a few extra minutes to collect myself before I went in to the store. After hearing Josh's freight news, I wanted to burst into tears again.
Because God dammit this is hard!!!! A hard week, a hard summer, a sad and lonely fall, without him.
I stood in my back stock aisle this afternoon, surrounded by all of these boxes of stuff that needed to be processed and put out. I felt I was in so deep that I might never get out. But then it occurred to me that the only way through it was to dig in and get to work. That each box I unpacked would put me that much closer to the other side of the mountain.
That truth correlates to my heartbreak.
That I just have to get inside my heart, do the work of letting it all go..letting it sail away to somewhere where heartaches and disappointments go...they don not have to live inside me for always, neatly packed up in boxes...
And though I cannot see it right now, there is another side to this mountain, and I will get there...
But it won't be today.
Probably not next week.
Hopefully by New Years.
But maybe not even until next fall...

Cause like my real boyfriend, John Mayer says...When you're dreaming with a broken heart, waking up is the hardest part...


When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The waking up is the hardest part

You roll out of bed and down on your knees
and for a moment you can hardly breathe
Wondering was she really here
Is she standing in my room?

No, she's not
cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone.

When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The giving up is the hardest part

She takes you in with her crying eyes
then all at once you have to say goodbye
wondering could you stay my love

will you wake up by my side?

No, she can't
cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone.

Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?
Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?
Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?
Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my, roses in my hands?
Would you get them if I did?

No, you won't
Cause you're gone, gone, gone, gone, gone.

When you're dreaming with a broken heart
the waking up is the hardest part.

" You Gotta Believe!"

I must be making progress in my break-up process.
I heard this song today on my way to work, I didn't shed one tear.

Instead all I could think about was how I hope that someday, I get to be with a man who feels that way about me.
I have yet to experience that fully.
Which led me to examine what I must be doing to not have attracted a man who wants to feel that way about being together.
What is it?
If we get what we put out into the world, why have not yet attracted a partner who is my equal, or mostly my equal?
Aaaahhh yes thats right.
Because I want to challenge myself and all that I am.
Too bad it has to hurt like a bitch.
And....
....I miss him.
But it went as far as it could go. I learned a lot about myself. And have started making a new "list". Ya'll know the list I am talking about.
It's the list you compile after you have made it through yet another failed and unfullfilling relationship (ok I guess that's a "glass half empty perception, and not totally in line with my natural disposition- but I am going through thte bitter and resentful phase...)
It's the list of all of the things you will not allow in your next relationship.
Whenever THAT might be.( Not that I am in any hurry...)
And that list starts to turn into the things you would really like to experience in a person and in a relationship.
What's on my list?
Not as many things as you might expect - I got pretty close this last time.

And like Derrick's Dyon Sanders do rag he wore on moving day, that read " You gotta believe!",
I recognize that I too have to foster a belief that whatever I need to experience will be brought to me.
Oh and Miss Kyra and Miss Malinda - thanks for your kind words and don'tcha know that you two will be at the top of my list for girly get-togethers at my new home! Love to you both :)

Living on Boundary Street

The search is over!!! I found an apartment! It's perfect for me right now!! It's a mother-in-law apartment in SW Portland, on Boundary Street.
What an appropriate address! A place that is my sanctuary where the boundaries for myself can be re-evaluated and redefined. And I can have a cat! I am thinking about getting two kittens - a boy and a girl. I can see it now - cozy, rainy afternoons knitting on the couch, with my aunt Kyra's lentil soup on the stove. Mugs of tea and Coldplay in the background. Candles lit, kittens scurrying and purring about. My art projects covering the table.
The first thiing I want to do, and I am hoping the very nice, sweet people who own it will let me, is paint! As it is now the walls throughout are all painted a soft, buttery yellow. I am so not feeling that yellow. This place needs to be my home where I put myself back together, and I cannot do it with yellow walls.

This is the main house, my apartment is not pictured, but it is to the left, at the end of the driveway. There are two women who rent the main house. Yeah - girl power!!

This is the tiny bathroom. There is a full tub, on the left of the toilet. Perfect for soaking in! Check out the countertop- yep that's red!

Here's a shot of the living room. The bedroom looks very simialar. Notice the yellow. I am thinking a soft blue in here - somewhere between a robin's egg blue and a sky blue. In the bedroom, a nice, soft green.

This is the "kitchenette". It's got full size appliances, but not a whole lot of counter space. And that wall paper? It looks better close up, but is still a bit of an eyesore for me. I think the apartment was done in the 70's or 80's. I wonder if they would let me take it off?.....
The apartment's additional perks: a free shared washer and dryer, a huge backyard ( that I only have to appreciate and enjoy as opposed to doing the gardening and upkeep), and free cable (uh-oh!). It's in a lovely neighborhood, hidden away.
My move in date is still tenetive - it could be as soon as tomorrow or Tuesday of next week.
The boys moved out yesterday, so it's just me here until I can get moved. That's good because it has allowed me to really cry like I have needed to, and just really think and process everything that has happened over the last week.
Once I leave the house on Illahe, it will be time for a fresh start for me! Living easy on Boundary Street.

I'll Tell You What I want - What I really, Really Want

December 7th 2007 will find me and Athena at the Spice Girls reunion concert in Los Angeles. Is there a better way to celebrate my singledom, girl power, great friendship, and cheezy pop singers.
I didn't think so either.
Am super excited!!!!