So far, so good....

One of the things I want to make sure I experience in this life, is life itself. More than anything, I want to take great satisfaction from all of the moments I am living.
Be they difficult, funky, uncomfortable, ecstatic, erotic, fantastic and any of the places in between. I want to sink my teeth into them all and savor the flavors that linger on my tongue.

I have spoken a lot about being in the present here of late. The reason is because I am immersed in it. The sheer contentment and excitement for who I am, and where I am right.now.
There isn't anywhere else to go. There isn't anyone else to be. This is it. And I love it.

The hurdles and challenges, be what they may, are only growing fortitude and a persevering confidence internally.
The joys add another shade of bliss, that make it easier to endure the shadows that cross my path. The people who connect with me, and even the ones who don't- all influence me in a multitude of ways both seen and unseen. Everything adds up to a collective gift that symbolizes  and reinforces my purpose here.

I couldn't be more grateful. I just couldn't.

My life is amazing.

No, nothing has changed. Not obviously on the outside anyway. Inside, there have been a thousand ephiphanies realized in the last 3 months. Some are microcosmic moments of enlightenment while others have been breathtaking realizations that have physically moved me.

The questions I had been asking repeatedly over the last 6 months, have been answered. I know down to my bones that the path is true for me. There is room for growth and change. Flexibility is paramount because even though I have the major stops figured out, I am leaving plenty of room for the detours there.  I look forward to openly sharing these things with you in the months to come. One step at time, one day at time.

Here are the puzzling conundrums I have been obsessing over resolving clearly:

1.)What am I supposed to do with my life?
I know absolutely that I will do these things:
Travel
Write
Teach
Have a family
Be of service

Engagement with each of these aspects will patch together my life purpose. These are the things I imagine myself doing with massive fulfillment.



2.)Am I supposed to be having a family in my 30's?
This was the hardest question to ask. But it was also the easiest one to answer once some other insights and directions made themselves known. The answer here is no. At least, I am pretty sure it is. One of the most awesome things about answering this question is the huge lift of pressure to commit to it NOW.

EXHALE.

Not until I felt it lift, did I feel the weight of what I had been carrying all this way.

When you're single lady in your thirties, not only are you constantly pressing the snooze button on the ol' biological clock, you are also trying to see where you fall into the lineup while your friends and family around you are coupling up and having babies. Other thoughts crop up and relentlessly  circulate:

A.) Is this for me?

B.)I feel like I want to have a family... does that mean  I want to have babies?
C.)Maybe I could adopt?
D.)Or would I be ok  coming  into a ready-made family?

I don't know what the answer is on that multiple choice pop quiz. I do know that finally realizing I want to accomplish some other things before I have a family feels far more urgent. I don't want to have a baby- I want to scour maps and buy plane tickets. I want to immerse myself in the written words of those who have knowledge about what interests me.  I want to sleep in on Saturday mornings and delight in taking my breakfast in bed. I want to swim in the deep end of this chapter of my life without worrying about pruning up. It pleases me to no end to accept that choosing the best suited option on family,  can wait. I feel good about being a parent in my 40's. Imagine how much life experience I can bring to the table. Imagine how few regrets I might have.

Since reaching this conclusion, the deep desire to be in a committed relationship has all but vanished. I am happy to open myself to more casual and less serious arrangements. I have no desire to be tied down, because where I am going will require more elastic commitments in the relationship realm.



I revel in my singledom, which is a complete 180 from the side I have always walked on. I gleefully check the boxes on forms proclaiming my single status. "Yes! I am without a committed partner and I can do what I please, thankyouverymuch."
 With new perspective, I look at my many coupled friends, all of whom are lovely and amazing. Their situations are also not without challenges. The grass is greener on the other side yes, but as my favorite Australian Banjo playing hottie, John Butler sings, " it's just as hard to mow." While sometimes it is a bit lonely knowing no one but my cat worries when I'll come home, it is also fantastic to do whatever I want when I want to. This liberty needs to be treasured and the pleasure of it stored up to be recalled on days years from now, when I shall long for even a quiet moment to myself to futz about on a lazy afternoon.

3.)What is my work- the kind that will bring me abundance, connection, and soul purpose?
I think I have figured this out too. It requires education, and I'll be embarking on that mission when the leaves turn. By the time I reach the end of that journey, I'll hopefully have some framed documents, and quite a few more stamps on my passport. In my 40's, the time to align my job with my soul purpose will be, knock on wood, paralleled and happily entangled.  I delight  in my intentions to be of service, helping to bring healing and understanding to the shifting paradigms of couples and families wherever I end up. With those intentions also comes the opportunity to finally  weave in my intuitive abilities with the scientific training in a role that will hopefully not only pay the bills, but reward me with a  satisfying richness I have yet to even fathom.

2013...so far..so good....it can only get better.

20 Shades of Play- The Pleasure Is All Mine (& Yours Too)

If you know me at all, and or read my blog, than you know that I often find a way to bring whatever topic that is presently burning a hole in my brain, into a bigger picture/spiritual perspective. Sex is no exception. However, inspired by the timeless words of Marvin Gaye,  I'm just  "gonna get it on" in this post.

 In the name of Love and Pleasure, I have put together a playlist that will without fail, bring sexy back into your life. It matters not whether you are single or coupled- Love and Pleasure are  not exclusive  to one or the other. It is a birthright, a gift given to every soul with the bonus of renewed opening time and time again. Love and pleasure do not shame or sadden- they lift and remind us that we do not need permission to enjoy ourselves in this life. What energies are born from claiming our birthright, make the world a more beautiful and loving place. We are the Love we have been waiting for.

 LISTEN. Allow the words to sink in, the music to sync up with your heartbeat, and give yourself over to the Pleasure Express. Don't pretend like you don't wanna...you're not foolin' anyone but yourself. Do you see a theme here? Love, Baby. Love. Take your pleasure seriously.

Oh... you're welcome. Happy Valentine's Day.

1.) Feelin' Love- Paula Cole (Sultry)

2.)Love Let Me Wait- Major Harris (70's R&B puts R. Kelly to shame)

3.)Light My Fire- Shirley Bassey (that voice...)

4.) Give in to Me- Leighton Meester & Garett Hedlund (country music can be hot and sexy..and sweet)

5.)Be My Baby - The Ronettes (Dirty Dancing, anyone?)

6.)Untitled (How Does It Feel?)- D'Angelo ( so sexy, it doesn't need a title.. oh and this is the EXTENDED version. Uh- Huh.The answer- it feels good. Real good.)

7.) Nasty, Naughty Boy- Christina Aguilera (!)

8.)Close The Door- Teddy Pendergrass (Oh Teddy P....you really took it there. That flute!!!!)

9.)Sugar in My Bowl- Nina Simone (timeless and true, nudge, nudge, wink, wink)

10.)Burning Love- Elvis Presley (you know what he's really saying, right?)

11.)Touch of My Hand- Britney Spears (know thyself)

12.)That's The Way Love Goes- Janet Jackson (and it goes all the way)

13.)Crash Into Me- The Dave Matthews Band (such a dirty, lovely song on the radio. Subtle is sexy)

14.)You're Makin' Me High- Toni Braxton (sometimes you just need that "feeling")

15.)Get To Know You- Mayer Hawthorne (why beat around the bush?)

16.)Groovin' Slowly- The John Butler Trio (hippie sexy. Done.)

17.)Lover's Rock - Sade (it's nearly impossible to not think of sexy time and Sade's music together.)

18.) I Just Wanna Make Love to You- Etta James (nuff said)

19.)I'll Make Love To You- Boys II Men (all aboard!)

20.)Feel Like Makin' Love- Roberta Flack (that sexy seventies sound with a legendary voice)

2012: hide & seek, freak flags, and growing up with passion

New Year's Day  has always felt incredibly depressing for me. An already charged day, made heavier with the weight of natural reflection of 365 days.
Revisiting what did happen.
And what didn't.
I find that having a profound sense of  gratitude for the people and situations that bring my heart joy, is what helps to lift the sadness.

For me, there were some pretty huge events which spurned revelations of the deep. Here is a summary, which I endeavor to keep brief:

Be open to vulnerability and check those expectaions. 
I began 2012, with the intention that if I opened myself up to incredible levels of vulnerability that I would be rewarded with the influx of new people, places and situations. And I did receive all of those things, definitely not the way I thought I would. I had expectations about how things would manifest- but Life has a funny way of helping you out by shaking things up and delivering emotional bombs of surprising magnitudes. Expectations, I learned, are nice to day dream about but need to be checked at the door when stepping into your real life. This is where vulnerability opens one up. Which led me to....

Stop running from what I had been hiding from
Because I had new people, and situations come into my life, I knew that I was not going to open up and let them in the way I wanted to, if I did not finally address the thing I had been running from for 10 years. I made the commitment to step into the pain of past trauma and face it. It was hard and worth it. I am still affected, and I no longer carry around the shame and secrecy that held me down. I feel stronger for having come through it all, and grateful for the new awareness about myself. Which led me to...

Fly my freak flag with confidence and without liquid courage
Due to collective factors such as: my family's dysfunctional conditioning (on my dad's side), the lack of substance in my relationship with my dad, surviving a past trauma, being a creative as well as a psychic ( I despise that word, really), and claiming the title of "extroverted introvert", I am a little kooky; a smidge  on the crazy (good) side. I am also a teenager in my heart and a wise woman in my head. This makes for conflicting, insecure, socially awkward behavior at times. And in those moments where I am hyper sensitive to  judgement for being myself or am attempting to be noticed by an attractive and intelligent person of the opposite sex- I learned the hard way that "liquid courage" doesn't actually help. (Either does having a photographic memory and the ability to retain useless information regarding names, dates and faces. That will come in handy in my next job though, I am certain). I am weird. You are weird. Like Dr. Suess said, when we can line up our own weirdness with another's, that is when love happens. So- I'll proudly fly my flag of freakness, that way those who have similar flags will be able to find me. Which led me to....

Make room for people in my life, especially for those who make room for me
We need people in our lives who accept us in all of our glory. The good, bad, difficult, awesome, disappointing and breathtaking. Because when we make room for these people, we learn and grow. We are given the opportunity to practice kindness, compassion, forgiveness, unconditional love, honesty, and courage. Time is one of the most precious gifts we can give, along with authenticity and love. This past year, I let some old friends go, and I reconnected and reunited with some old and new friends. I let go of friendships that failed to meet my needs, and welcomed back and helped to birth those that are saturated with deep love, respect, and truth. And my heart is made grateful by these connections, having opened my heart up to listen to what felt right for me. ( Thank you to all of the people who love me so truly, madly and deeply. I hope you all know who you are and how much you mean to me. )Which led me to....

Trust myself
My intuitive abilities baffle me sometimes. It is incredible the information I can receive about people, places, and situations through meditation, dreams, and well... just randomly. It is also baffling that I don't always listen to it, because I am afraid to trust it. I have been shot down and lost confidence in myself at times when my expectations tangled with my emotions, tainting the course of events. Or not. I, do believe everything works out the way it is meant to- The Universe/ God/ Life does not make accidents. I have been afraid to trust myself because I am frightened by what will happen if I do. My life might change drastically. I might be wrong and make a fool of myself. I might really connect with someone. I might learn I am actually good at what I am most passionate about wanting to do. I might be liberated. I might be ensconced in love and light. I might enjoy my life a million times more.
It is ok to be a little afraid of how powerful we truly are- because it wakes us up to the affect we can have on our lives. But when that fear holds us back - that isn't living. Trusting in the part of me that comes from That Which Is Bigger Than Us All is what I am doing now with more faith, love and passion that I ever thought possible. I look forward to more of that and where it will propel me. Which led me to....

 Finally figure out what work in life stirs my passion, and go do it.
Recently, at the edge of 34, I finally figured out what I want to be when I grow up. It was a sudden realization and "click". I am not ready to announce it yet, but I will say that every little thing I do in the next year, ties back to this work and every step I take is in the direction of doing it. This is work that will take me years of training and education. It also is something I already do, and will play so nicely with my intuition, and steel trap of a mind.  I want to be taken seriously, I want to be of service, and I want to to do work that makes my heart feel good. I am finally on that path. I am in love with the process. Which led me to...

 Understand that in the end, love is all that matters
Love is the only thing we can always take with us where ever in time or space we go. Love connects and lifts. It illuminates and comforts. It supports and encourages. It is limitless and in all of us. Me... you...it's everywhere. I believe it is everyone's purpose in life to grow their heart's capacity to love. We know love, because we also know indifference. Just as we know light, because we know darkness.

"...we're only here to find the love that lingers after the moment..."
~"Cats & Dogs/ Coeur D' Alene" by The Head and The Heart

Happy New Year, Dear Reader. May you be blessed with your own lessons and little epiphanies that lead you to love and its undeniable truth. <3 p="p">

The Rule of Quest Physics

"...in the end I have come to believe in something I call The Physics of The Quest. A force in Nature, governed by laws as real as the laws of gravity. The rule of Quest Physics goes something like this:

If, ... you are brave enough to leave behind everything that is familiar and comforting, which can be anything from your house to bitter, old, resentments, and set out on a truth seeking journey, either externally or internally, and if you are truly willing to regard everything on that journey as a clue, and if you accept everyone you meet along the way as a teacher, and if you are prepared, most of all, to face and forgive some very difficult realities about yourself, then the truth will not be withheld from you.

I can't help but believe it, given my experience."

~Liz Gilbert, "Eat, Love, Pray"

One week from  today, is my 34th birthday. And my, oh my.. what  a year it has been. I thought I would take some time to reflect on that now- nip in the bud any Birthday Depression that might try to sneak in, and put forth my intentions for my Personal New Year.

November 30, 2011, I wrote a letter to myself here, and declared that 33 would be the Year of Magical Thinking.

I had no idea what I was setting into motion at the time- except that it would have a huge effect on me.

Over the course of the last twelve months, I have indeed embarked on an internal truth-seeking journey. My intention was to get to down to the nitty-gritty of all that was holding me back from living the life I had envisioned. Staring down hard, the "difficult realities about myself", to forgive and let go of. I have done just that.  I have called in some significant "teachers" as well. Most of them have little knowledge about just how much their interactions, be it brief or consistant, have had on my thought reform.

The first thing I had to face, was the ownership of allowing the Fear inside me, to  drive me. Where did it come from? How does it affect my steering? What am I running from?

A lot it turns out.

Fear is a funny thing. It is never rational, as I have stated many times before, and yet we give it such power. I have worked diligently at facing and making peace with the fear inside me. Especially here in the last couple of months. My Past Trauma had been holding me down for so long and so hard, I wasn't even aware of how heavy and in the dark I was.

Now, having reframed a lot of my thought patterns, and recognizing more quickly when I revert- I feel a lightness and sense of free-being that didn't previously exist.

I feel grounded, present, and more confident. I am not as easily swayed into buying into the anxiety. There is a calm in my heart and a peace in my soul.

My intuitive abilities have taken off, and continue to amaze even me, every single day.

I am open.

I pay attention.

I breathe more.

I am trusting myself- my intuition, my feelings, and my instincts to guide more often than not. Whether  situations pan out according to my expectations, is mattering less and less. Because its about the feeling of trusting in my own sense of self. I do know how to do this. I can make this leap. I can jump of the precipice and fucking let go. I will land on my feet, with abundant possibilities surrounding me. Its all about the eyes and what we choose to focus on. Everything I have been seeking on my quest, has been inside me all along. Cliche' and true, I realize. Depending on the outside world to help me determine my worth, desirability and/ authenticity no longer feels like an appealing route. It is in me. No one else has the ability to tell me what is true for me.  I decide what lines up. I look into my eyes now, and see more of my whole self. I see past the ever-present fear. I see into the sureness and sweetness of being right here right now.

Did I fall?

Or am I flying?

Does one lead to another?

Or is it all the same.

Hmmm......

Novemeber 30, 2012 will start The Year of Magical Doing. Having taken the time to sort out and redirect my thoughts from fear and more into love, means that I am ready to take action. I have goals and intentions...

To soar and to land.

To have my feet on the ground and my head in the stars.

The work has been hard and emotional. And rewarding as fuck.

Daddy's Girl

My father has been dead for 8 years, 9 months, and 22 days.
Not that I am keeping track.
I lost and grieved my father twice in my life- the first time when I was 14. There was a six year period where he cut off all contact with me and my brother. He and I came close to discussing that hurtful hiatus shortly before he died, but never to the degree I wanted. Or that I needed.  I have theories and I speculate as to why he did that, but he took the truth to the grave. I lost him permantley when I was 25. He died suddenly, in the middle of the night. His heart exploded and he died on the hardwood floor of the living room, in the home he shared with his other family. It is a strange feeling  to mourn the loss of a father more than once in a lifetime. Another layer of numbness added to the the other.

To say my relationship with my father was complicated, is an understatement. The importance of that connection, has always been known as significant and far-reaching to me. My hard-wiring has been greatly compromised because of the lack of connection, affection, acceptance, support and solidarity from my dad. That translates into some fundamental aspects of my life, as an adult woman. This is not news to me- rather it is a new perspective that has been born, in the midst of my awakening. My brain knows the facts, and my heart feels the wounds inflicted from the man who gave me half of my DNA. Lately, it has led me to connect the dysfunctional relationship to a traumatic event, from over a decade ago. The resurfacing has led me to face and work through some extremely heavy issues. The two things- my relationship with my  dad and the past trauma,  are indirectly related. I wonder, if Dad had been more present, more whole, more emotionally present and authentic- would I have made different choices in my life? It is indubitable  that I would have. Traumatic events in my life could have been prevented if only my relationship with my father was more instead of less.

"When you are frozen relationally, it is difficult to know your place and how to develop a healthy relationship because you are working from a place of need instead of working out of a position of co-equal." ~Dr. Ken Canfield

The influence Dad had on me, was a direct result of his own parent's relationship with him. And that was seriously fucked up. That whole side of the family was pretty messed up. I am talking generations of dysfucntion, cycling through in secret. Thankfully, my brother Derrick and I did not experience much of what others in my family have. We were deeply affected, nonetheless. Paradigms are shifting, and patterns are being broken. Middle fingers are being extended to those who made victims of their kin.

image via listverse.com

Having long envied father/daughter relationships that were healthy, it makes me glad I haven't yet procreated.  As a walking wounded daughter, I only know how to choose the wounded. Out of fear of repeating history, subconsciously I have been smart enough not to have created any descendants of my own. There is the sense that my biology has been a helping hand in the prevention of the familial dysfunction.  The brain and the heart have been working together all this time, in an effort to not be fucked over by the generational paradigm that ruled my father's family. Yes, it is not a stretch to lay partial, if not all blame for my  relational issues and resulting singledom on Dad. Thanks for that, by the way.

"I could not have parted with you, my Lizzie, for anyone less worthy.” ~Mr. Bennet, Pride and Prejudice

All of this introspection, prompts me to consider parenting as a whole,  from an emotionally aware place. If I am meant to have kids,  I want my own future daughter to not only be the apple of her father's eye- but to know that as a fact she never has to question. All because  her mommy was determined to heal herself and create only from a place of wholeness in her heart.

The Darjeeling Life Aquatic

image via wikimedia

Over the last month, I have become more withdrawn as I have been embarking on a path of tremendous healing. I have, in many ways, put the actions in my world on pause. Simultaneously I want to welcome in new opportunities and forward ways, and need a little more time to gather myself back together so I don't fuck any of it up as I have in the past. I am all about breaking patterns and shifting paradigms. That is not easy work, my friends, and it is happening.
Music, movies, and friends have been wonderful comforts. Consistent  helpers in the process of  emotional excavation I am currently engaged in. Under these new circumstances of stress, I have broken one of my major rules: no t.v. in the bedroom. I brought in my little t.v./dvd player combo, as I only do when I am sick and not feeling well...this time in my life feels like I am sick and unwell...so I am allowing it. Besides, its just me and the cat.
I also don't have t.v in my house, so I watch movies instead. A nice fat queue has taken shape on my bedside table. Between the library, Netflix, and Redbox, my needs are more than being met on that front. I decided to have a little Wes Anderson marathon: " The Royal Tanenbaums", The Life Aquatic", and The Darjeeling Limited".

image via listal.com

"The Royal Tanenbaums" I like, and it's not my favorite. Perhaps I just haven't gotten to the place in my life where I can fully appreciate it.

I first saw "The Life Aquatic" six or seven years ago, with an ex-boyfriend. He loved it. I confess, I didn't get it, and therefore did not connect to it. So, I popped it in one night, with an open mind.

The back story is that oceanographer,  Steve Zissou and his collegue/best friend, Esteban are on a dive, filming a documentary. During the dive, Esteban  is tragically eaten by what Steve later describes as a "jaguar shark". This species of shark has not ever been identified and many wonder if Steve isn't making it all up. There was no one else down in the water with Steve and Esteban to verify, and Steve has been known to embellish...  What is known is that whatever was down there with the two oceanographers, was hit with a tracking device on that fatal dive. The original intention the two men set out with was to observe the mythical and mysterious sea creature. But due to the fatal circumstances, Steve's goal  shifts and becomes  a vendetta.  He aims  to find it, and blow-it up with dynamite in an effort to avenge the death of his friend and soothe his grief. Towards the end of the movie, the tracking device leads them to the shark's location, and they descend in the tiny submarine to see once and for all the scary wonder. To face the fear.

"Are we safe in here?", Jane asks shakily, hands covering her unborn child growing in her womb.
"I doubt it.", Steve replies.
"It  is beautiful, Steve.", remarks Eleanor, as the shark swims around their vessel.
"I wonder if it remembers me..." ponders Steve, painfully  out loud, tears in his eyes as it swims away from them.
He places his hand on Jane's unborn baby, and then suddenly every single person in that submarine reaches over to touch Steve, in a collective effort to comfort him in his loss, grief, and pain.

It wasn't until this  scene that it all hit me. It turned me into a sobbing mess as the epiphany slapped me across the heart and I GOT IT. Here is how I interpreted it and apply it to my life (aquatic):

The shark as as a symbol, might be a representation of the terrifying and unpredictable events and circumstances that are Life. The scary, the unknown, the fear.  All of the people that are left in Steve's life - the men and women who have been through the best and worst with him, who love, support and accept him just as he is-  accompany him on the excursion in the deep, dark mysterious waters below.

And then.... there it is. It is breathtaking. Terrifying. Ginormous. 

The reality of how huge and frightening that animal is, becomes apparent. So too does the crew's obvious vulnerability in that moment. The shark has the power to swallow them whole at any given second. But it doesn't. Steve is able to see and fully face it. He does so because he is willing, and he is surrounded by the support of people who genuinely care for him. Upon seeing the Jaguar Shark, Steve also realizes that  he no longer wants to blow it up- he just wants to acknowledge it and how it has changed him forever. Does the shark have any idea how it has impacted Steve? Probably not. His craving for  validation of his suffering is satiated finally. Steve is also comforted and supported by his crew, who hold space for him to process this monumental moment in his life. Jane's question about safety is  a reminder that we are always vulnerable, and that means no, we are probably not always safe. If we truly want to live and experience everything- it means we have to be exposed. What comes from that ability to be totally and completely open is the gift of facing our fears and becoming aware of how alive we are.  Which is both terrifying and beautiful, all at once.

At present, I too feel like I am descending into the deep, dark sea in a tiny, little submarine. I am selective about what crew members I allow inside with me. Having my crew be a witness to my own vulnerability as I face this massive "shark" is one of the scariest things I have ever done. I have not trusted  others in the past, because no one has ever shown me they could handle my vulnerability. I am always the strong one- the rock, the matriarch, the leader. The one who does not fall apart. But I am in fact, doing just that. Strong people break down sometimes, so they can build themselves up to stand on  a newer, healthier, stronger foundation than what was once in place. 

Watch it below and see what I mean...

A few days later, I watched my favorite Wes Anderson movie, "The Darjeeling Limited".

image via impawards.com

 This story is of three brothers, Francis, Peter, and Jack, who meet up on a journey across India on a train. I see something new each time I watch it. This time, it was the scene in the train station bathroom towards the end of the film. In the scene, Francis (the oldest brother and the one who raised his two younger brothers), is standing between the brothers, as they are all looking the mirror. During the whole trip, Francis' face has been bandaged up because he was in a motorcycle accident and almost died. He is looking at himself, and begins to take off his bandages. For the first time, he really looks at his wounds. He observes his scars. He is exposed in the company of Jack and Peter, both flanking him.

image via fimmisery.com

Francis: " I guess I still got a lot of healing to do."
Jack: "Gettin' there though."
Peter: "Anyway, it's definitely going to add a lot of character to you."

 Well......Wes Anderson, you have done a perfect job of helping me articulate exactly where I am in my life, The Darjeeling Life Aquatic.
Thank you.

Dare to Bare: The Unexpected

Nine months ago, when I first set out on my "Dare to Bare" Vulnerability Project, I had no idea it would take me down to a point of vulnerability such as I am in now. I passed by a few Daring Places, only to find myself somewhere completely unexpected. I did not anticipate  that my route would take me past a Ghost Town of Traumatic Memory, a destination that  I had worked hard to forget, for many years. But, the fact is that this is a necessary stop on my road. The only way around, is through.
I am doing a good job of carrying on with my life- and most people probably don't even suspect just how naked I feel at present.  I find myself feeling completely exhausted most of the time. My naturepath assures me that it is due to the fact I am processing so much, emotionally. I have been taking more naps than usual, to my delight. I have been watching many a sad movie, with the intention to dislodge long-held emotion, via tears.
And it's true, I am doing a lot of thinking, feeling, and accepting. Its draining. I have little patience or energy  for silly questions from people wanting to know where the cereal is. Don't they understand that I am dealing with some heavy shit inside my head, these days???!!!! I want a vacation...
This all goes back to my Amazing Revelation. The revelation while extremely private, is something that stems from a secretly traumatic event that occurred in my life, ten years ago. Ten years of not dealing with something that had significant emotional impact is weighty, to say the least.
While the "what" of that Amazing Revelation, matters little in the grand scheme of things- what does is the concept of dealing with events as they happen.
"Never put off today what you could do tomorrow."
I beat myself up a little- why didn't I have the courage to face this then? Maybe my life would have been different. Maybe I'd be married now with kids. Maybe I'd be living on a tropical island. Maybe I would be a travel writer....I know better than to play the what-if game. Because I also believe that everything happens when it is supposed to, for a reason.
The truth is, I wasn't ready then, as a 24 year-old young woman. I was a late bloomer, in many respects, and that meant late to the party as well.  So I repressed in multiple ways. I stayed at a job, though it has many outstanding benefits, has kept me placid and without passion in my work. I chose relationships with men who were emotionally unavailable  to me, because as long as I focused on them and their needs, wants, and feelings- I wasn't looking at my own. I put on weight to keep myself from being chosen by a man who could see the real me- another defense mechanism that made it easy to repress the emotions eating away at me inside. I choose not to save money - because I didn't believe in my own inherent worth. There are countless ways I have allowed myself to be held back from living the life I truly want. It wasn't anyone else doing  the locking down- it's been all me.
Well... I am to blame for not taking the road to Whole Heart City,  I am not to blame for the event. That I know. For certain.
Spending the last ten years in such an emotional lock down, has me wondering if being open and free of these shackles from the past is possible. The optimist in me tells me, "Absolutely! Just keep walking forward." The fearful part of me is less sure. "Wouldn't it be safer if we just stayed here? It's not so bad, is it?"

Yes, it is!!! Damn it I want to blow this pop stand!!!! I want to meltdown the walls and see what is on the other side of this place. I know there is some fantastic stuff over there. I can feel it, even if I don't know for certain what it looks like yet. I just have a hunch....

Soooo..... I keep walking.
And napping.
And writing.
And talking.
And crying.
And laughing.
And stretching beyond what I have known to be comfortable.

We should all have the courage to live openly, with whole gorgeous hearts beating out the rhythm of our footsteps on the path.
Life is far too short and beautiful, to live it half-assed.
I am just taking the long way around.