Daddy's Girl

My father has been dead for 8 years, 9 months, and 22 days.
Not that I am keeping track.
I lost and grieved my father twice in my life- the first time when I was 14. There was a six year period where he cut off all contact with me and my brother. He and I came close to discussing that hurtful hiatus shortly before he died, but never to the degree I wanted. Or that I needed.  I have theories and I speculate as to why he did that, but he took the truth to the grave. I lost him permantley when I was 25. He died suddenly, in the middle of the night. His heart exploded and he died on the hardwood floor of the living room, in the home he shared with his other family. It is a strange feeling  to mourn the loss of a father more than once in a lifetime. Another layer of numbness added to the the other.

To say my relationship with my father was complicated, is an understatement. The importance of that connection, has always been known as significant and far-reaching to me. My hard-wiring has been greatly compromised because of the lack of connection, affection, acceptance, support and solidarity from my dad. That translates into some fundamental aspects of my life, as an adult woman. This is not news to me- rather it is a new perspective that has been born, in the midst of my awakening. My brain knows the facts, and my heart feels the wounds inflicted from the man who gave me half of my DNA. Lately, it has led me to connect the dysfunctional relationship to a traumatic event, from over a decade ago. The resurfacing has led me to face and work through some extremely heavy issues. The two things- my relationship with my  dad and the past trauma,  are indirectly related. I wonder, if Dad had been more present, more whole, more emotionally present and authentic- would I have made different choices in my life? It is indubitable  that I would have. Traumatic events in my life could have been prevented if only my relationship with my father was more instead of less.

"When you are frozen relationally, it is difficult to know your place and how to develop a healthy relationship because you are working from a place of need instead of working out of a position of co-equal." ~Dr. Ken Canfield

The influence Dad had on me, was a direct result of his own parent's relationship with him. And that was seriously fucked up. That whole side of the family was pretty messed up. I am talking generations of dysfucntion, cycling through in secret. Thankfully, my brother Derrick and I did not experience much of what others in my family have. We were deeply affected, nonetheless. Paradigms are shifting, and patterns are being broken. Middle fingers are being extended to those who made victims of their kin.

image via listverse.com

Having long envied father/daughter relationships that were healthy, it makes me glad I haven't yet procreated.  As a walking wounded daughter, I only know how to choose the wounded. Out of fear of repeating history, subconsciously I have been smart enough not to have created any descendants of my own. There is the sense that my biology has been a helping hand in the prevention of the familial dysfunction.  The brain and the heart have been working together all this time, in an effort to not be fucked over by the generational paradigm that ruled my father's family. Yes, it is not a stretch to lay partial, if not all blame for my  relational issues and resulting singledom on Dad. Thanks for that, by the way.

"I could not have parted with you, my Lizzie, for anyone less worthy.” ~Mr. Bennet, Pride and Prejudice

All of this introspection, prompts me to consider parenting as a whole,  from an emotionally aware place. If I am meant to have kids,  I want my own future daughter to not only be the apple of her father's eye- but to know that as a fact she never has to question. All because  her mommy was determined to heal herself and create only from a place of wholeness in her heart.

The Darjeeling Life Aquatic

image via wikimedia

Over the last month, I have become more withdrawn as I have been embarking on a path of tremendous healing. I have, in many ways, put the actions in my world on pause. Simultaneously I want to welcome in new opportunities and forward ways, and need a little more time to gather myself back together so I don't fuck any of it up as I have in the past. I am all about breaking patterns and shifting paradigms. That is not easy work, my friends, and it is happening.
Music, movies, and friends have been wonderful comforts. Consistent  helpers in the process of  emotional excavation I am currently engaged in. Under these new circumstances of stress, I have broken one of my major rules: no t.v. in the bedroom. I brought in my little t.v./dvd player combo, as I only do when I am sick and not feeling well...this time in my life feels like I am sick and unwell...so I am allowing it. Besides, its just me and the cat.
I also don't have t.v in my house, so I watch movies instead. A nice fat queue has taken shape on my bedside table. Between the library, Netflix, and Redbox, my needs are more than being met on that front. I decided to have a little Wes Anderson marathon: " The Royal Tanenbaums", The Life Aquatic", and The Darjeeling Limited".

image via listal.com

"The Royal Tanenbaums" I like, and it's not my favorite. Perhaps I just haven't gotten to the place in my life where I can fully appreciate it.

I first saw "The Life Aquatic" six or seven years ago, with an ex-boyfriend. He loved it. I confess, I didn't get it, and therefore did not connect to it. So, I popped it in one night, with an open mind.

The back story is that oceanographer,  Steve Zissou and his collegue/best friend, Esteban are on a dive, filming a documentary. During the dive, Esteban  is tragically eaten by what Steve later describes as a "jaguar shark". This species of shark has not ever been identified and many wonder if Steve isn't making it all up. There was no one else down in the water with Steve and Esteban to verify, and Steve has been known to embellish...  What is known is that whatever was down there with the two oceanographers, was hit with a tracking device on that fatal dive. The original intention the two men set out with was to observe the mythical and mysterious sea creature. But due to the fatal circumstances, Steve's goal  shifts and becomes  a vendetta.  He aims  to find it, and blow-it up with dynamite in an effort to avenge the death of his friend and soothe his grief. Towards the end of the movie, the tracking device leads them to the shark's location, and they descend in the tiny submarine to see once and for all the scary wonder. To face the fear.

"Are we safe in here?", Jane asks shakily, hands covering her unborn child growing in her womb.
"I doubt it.", Steve replies.
"It  is beautiful, Steve.", remarks Eleanor, as the shark swims around their vessel.
"I wonder if it remembers me..." ponders Steve, painfully  out loud, tears in his eyes as it swims away from them.
He places his hand on Jane's unborn baby, and then suddenly every single person in that submarine reaches over to touch Steve, in a collective effort to comfort him in his loss, grief, and pain.

It wasn't until this  scene that it all hit me. It turned me into a sobbing mess as the epiphany slapped me across the heart and I GOT IT. Here is how I interpreted it and apply it to my life (aquatic):

The shark as as a symbol, might be a representation of the terrifying and unpredictable events and circumstances that are Life. The scary, the unknown, the fear.  All of the people that are left in Steve's life - the men and women who have been through the best and worst with him, who love, support and accept him just as he is-  accompany him on the excursion in the deep, dark mysterious waters below.

And then.... there it is. It is breathtaking. Terrifying. Ginormous. 

The reality of how huge and frightening that animal is, becomes apparent. So too does the crew's obvious vulnerability in that moment. The shark has the power to swallow them whole at any given second. But it doesn't. Steve is able to see and fully face it. He does so because he is willing, and he is surrounded by the support of people who genuinely care for him. Upon seeing the Jaguar Shark, Steve also realizes that  he no longer wants to blow it up- he just wants to acknowledge it and how it has changed him forever. Does the shark have any idea how it has impacted Steve? Probably not. His craving for  validation of his suffering is satiated finally. Steve is also comforted and supported by his crew, who hold space for him to process this monumental moment in his life. Jane's question about safety is  a reminder that we are always vulnerable, and that means no, we are probably not always safe. If we truly want to live and experience everything- it means we have to be exposed. What comes from that ability to be totally and completely open is the gift of facing our fears and becoming aware of how alive we are.  Which is both terrifying and beautiful, all at once.

At present, I too feel like I am descending into the deep, dark sea in a tiny, little submarine. I am selective about what crew members I allow inside with me. Having my crew be a witness to my own vulnerability as I face this massive "shark" is one of the scariest things I have ever done. I have not trusted  others in the past, because no one has ever shown me they could handle my vulnerability. I am always the strong one- the rock, the matriarch, the leader. The one who does not fall apart. But I am in fact, doing just that. Strong people break down sometimes, so they can build themselves up to stand on  a newer, healthier, stronger foundation than what was once in place. 

Watch it below and see what I mean...

A few days later, I watched my favorite Wes Anderson movie, "The Darjeeling Limited".

image via impawards.com

 This story is of three brothers, Francis, Peter, and Jack, who meet up on a journey across India on a train. I see something new each time I watch it. This time, it was the scene in the train station bathroom towards the end of the film. In the scene, Francis (the oldest brother and the one who raised his two younger brothers), is standing between the brothers, as they are all looking the mirror. During the whole trip, Francis' face has been bandaged up because he was in a motorcycle accident and almost died. He is looking at himself, and begins to take off his bandages. For the first time, he really looks at his wounds. He observes his scars. He is exposed in the company of Jack and Peter, both flanking him.

image via fimmisery.com

Francis: " I guess I still got a lot of healing to do."
Jack: "Gettin' there though."
Peter: "Anyway, it's definitely going to add a lot of character to you."

 Well......Wes Anderson, you have done a perfect job of helping me articulate exactly where I am in my life, The Darjeeling Life Aquatic.
Thank you.

Dare to Bare: The Unexpected

Nine months ago, when I first set out on my "Dare to Bare" Vulnerability Project, I had no idea it would take me down to a point of vulnerability such as I am in now. I passed by a few Daring Places, only to find myself somewhere completely unexpected. I did not anticipate  that my route would take me past a Ghost Town of Traumatic Memory, a destination that  I had worked hard to forget, for many years. But, the fact is that this is a necessary stop on my road. The only way around, is through.
I am doing a good job of carrying on with my life- and most people probably don't even suspect just how naked I feel at present.  I find myself feeling completely exhausted most of the time. My naturepath assures me that it is due to the fact I am processing so much, emotionally. I have been taking more naps than usual, to my delight. I have been watching many a sad movie, with the intention to dislodge long-held emotion, via tears.
And it's true, I am doing a lot of thinking, feeling, and accepting. Its draining. I have little patience or energy  for silly questions from people wanting to know where the cereal is. Don't they understand that I am dealing with some heavy shit inside my head, these days???!!!! I want a vacation...
This all goes back to my Amazing Revelation. The revelation while extremely private, is something that stems from a secretly traumatic event that occurred in my life, ten years ago. Ten years of not dealing with something that had significant emotional impact is weighty, to say the least.
While the "what" of that Amazing Revelation, matters little in the grand scheme of things- what does is the concept of dealing with events as they happen.
"Never put off today what you could do tomorrow."
I beat myself up a little- why didn't I have the courage to face this then? Maybe my life would have been different. Maybe I'd be married now with kids. Maybe I'd be living on a tropical island. Maybe I would be a travel writer....I know better than to play the what-if game. Because I also believe that everything happens when it is supposed to, for a reason.
The truth is, I wasn't ready then, as a 24 year-old young woman. I was a late bloomer, in many respects, and that meant late to the party as well.  So I repressed in multiple ways. I stayed at a job, though it has many outstanding benefits, has kept me placid and without passion in my work. I chose relationships with men who were emotionally unavailable  to me, because as long as I focused on them and their needs, wants, and feelings- I wasn't looking at my own. I put on weight to keep myself from being chosen by a man who could see the real me- another defense mechanism that made it easy to repress the emotions eating away at me inside. I choose not to save money - because I didn't believe in my own inherent worth. There are countless ways I have allowed myself to be held back from living the life I truly want. It wasn't anyone else doing  the locking down- it's been all me.
Well... I am to blame for not taking the road to Whole Heart City,  I am not to blame for the event. That I know. For certain.
Spending the last ten years in such an emotional lock down, has me wondering if being open and free of these shackles from the past is possible. The optimist in me tells me, "Absolutely! Just keep walking forward." The fearful part of me is less sure. "Wouldn't it be safer if we just stayed here? It's not so bad, is it?"

Yes, it is!!! Damn it I want to blow this pop stand!!!! I want to meltdown the walls and see what is on the other side of this place. I know there is some fantastic stuff over there. I can feel it, even if I don't know for certain what it looks like yet. I just have a hunch....

Soooo..... I keep walking.
And napping.
And writing.
And talking.
And crying.
And laughing.
And stretching beyond what I have known to be comfortable.

We should all have the courage to live openly, with whole gorgeous hearts beating out the rhythm of our footsteps on the path.
Life is far too short and beautiful, to live it half-assed.
I am just taking the long way around.

The Bigger Lewbowski

image via Amazon.com

"...it's a complicated case...Lotta ins...Lotta outs. And a lotta strands to keep in my head, man." 

~The Dude

I have been writing this post in my head for the last 2 months. The goal was to have it finished by the time I had my annual "Big Lewbowski Outdoor Movie Party", in early August. Alas, it didn't happen. The struggle was in trying to articulate the profound affinity and connection ( for example, it is a major bonding force between my brothers and I) I feel for this movie, and how it applies to my own human experience. Being quite fond of symbolism of the seemingly everyday and domestic, my eyes, heart, and brain all worked  to fuse the pieces together to no avail. 

Until last night, that is. I found myself on a random and magical evening, best summed up by this morning's Facebook status update on my page:
"Sometimes, if you're lucky, you have a randomly magical night with two of your favorite friends, 3 delicious strawberry vodka lemonades (which is a lot for this delicate flower who doesn't drink much) and they take you to a Secret Society where a lovely girl plays a beautiful guitar and a mean fiddle, twin lovelies play a happy banjo and a tambourine with melodic voices, a cellist connects you to your Chezch ancestry and inspires you to pinky swear  you'll go to Prague with your beautiful dreaded friend on a red velvet couch in the ladies' loo, and that a long talked about man named John, will win you over with his funny stories, soulful songs, and a sense of wonder at how a night like that could make my belly ache with laughter and reaffirm my belief in the awesomness of this thing called life. Thank you. now i must go have some breakfast...." ♥ 

Clarity descended on me as I watched these talented musicians bare their souls through the notes of the songs in the height of my drunken state, last night. The insight came to me because I was wide open, vulnerable and completely, totally 100% being myself. I had no expectations or attachments to where I was in that moment. I just showed up to that place and time.  I was simply being and ensconced in the present moment. 

"How come I don't feel this way more often?",  I contemplated,  sometime in the middle of a cello's seductive soul call. How to attain this kind  of elevated sense of clarity without vodka? Ahhhh... yes...openness of heart, in the present is the key. As so aptly stated in another of my favorite movies,  "I Heart Huckabees",  it is the place between "pure being and human drama" where this comes in to play. 

This  sudden openness in myself made it easier for me to connect to the energy of the people I was watching perform- as if there was a direct line from my heart to theirs. Now true, I am an intuitive and these abilities are already more pronounced in myself more than most.  But this was a new awareness of my situation like I have yet known.

"New shit has come to light, man." ~The Dude

image via bothteamsplayedhard.net

An hour or so before I began my adventure last night, I had posted the above quote on FB, relating  acutely to that statement, but not really sure why. I was inspired to share, more as a declaration to myself when The Dude's page was suggested via FB to "like". Naturally, I abide. But why? Why does this story and these characters hold such value...I thought about it some more. I researched other viewpoints that included spirituality and the lessons of TBL (the Coen Brothers MUST have had some idea and deliberate intention in the writing of the film in connection with a spiritual outlook...). The need to understand is for me, and the sharing of it here in this space, is my way of working it out for myself. Surely there are other's who have also pondered in a similar fashion. Dudeism, I discovered is a real religion with over 70,000 followers. Far out, Man. Far out. 

But I digress...there is a point to all of this....stay with me....no, I don't mind if you do a "j"...

New shit has indeed come to light. With my own very personal Amazing Revelation I mentioned in the post previous, and this month's astrological themes extraordinarily 

applicable to my life and what I am currently undergoing. The  highlighted themes center on  the square of Uranus (the planet of surprise) to Pluto (the "not a planet" of transformation) that happened yesterday, Sept. 18. Just today, on a whim, I brought home a copy of the sometimes, cheesy new age-y publication, "New Connections", and opened up to the astrology section to find this September's cosmic summary by Emily Trinkaus:
"Courage, Creativity, & Power
The rising tides of change reach another peak in September, signifying a choice point that tests your courage and commitment. The Uranus- Pluto square, exact for the second time on Sept. 18, challenges you to clarify and clear inner blocks that hold you back from shining your light and sharing your gifts.
While Pluto in Capricorn signals the death and rebirth of social  structures, Uranus in Aries catalyzes the creativity and power inherent in each individual, inviting everyone to participate in the transformation in your own unique way.
On Oct. 5, Saturn [the Task Master planet] will shift from Libra to Scorpio, turning attention to the deep work of intimacy, emotional healing, and letting go. If you take responsibility for uncovering what you've repressed, hidden or otherwise banished to the subconscious, you're rewarded with the Scorpio gifts of regeneration, vitality and authentic connections."

Fucking A. That is so spot on to what I am handling in my personal life (and anyone privy to the intimate details of the private happenings of me, will see the validation here). It gives me hope that the light on the other side of the tunnel is much closer than I thought. It also validates why now, after all of these years, that I am just now seeing the blocks that have prevented me from fully embracing my whole self and sharing it more authentically.

"It is man's own responsibility to solve his problems and to make sense in his own time and place." 

~David Thorsteinsson, "Unspoken Messages: Notes on Lewbowskian Theory"

http://dudespaper.com/dude-university/unspoken-messages-notes-on-lebowskian-theory/

image via dudeism.com

All of these points seem to line up to show me, that the time is NOW. The proverbial rug has been pulled out from underneath me (as I predicted it would 2 months ago), and in the present I am left to pull all of the threads together to weave a new rug that really ties the room together. Are you listening, to The Dudette's story?

The Dude just "took 'er easy" and actively enjoyed his life. He lived in the now. He was open to experience. He got dealt some uncool stuff, and through it all he worked to understand it, and in the end became more enlightened to the condition he was in. WOW. It took me writing all of the above to get to that. Sometimes, ya just gotta write shit out.

"Ah.. fuck it. Let's go bowling."

~Walter Sobchak

image via cinemonkey.wordpress.com

My Own Odyssey

Holy Toasted Marshmallows! The last couple of weeks have been intense for me. Remember a few posts back, when I alluded to my intuition alerting me that something big was coming my way? That no area of my life would be unaffected?
Turns out I was spot on.
I am not, for once, going to go into detail here. Yes, even for me, there are things too private to share with the world.
However, I can't ever seem to  turn off extrovert mode, because that is my default...and  I want to say this about my Amazing Revelation:
Finally, after all of the soul searching and internal work I have dedicated myself to over the last 5 years, FINALLY, I have made contact with the piece that has been my road block to all other things- my career, money habits, ambition, relationships, body image, creativity...the list seems to go on because this obstacle has leached its way into so many areas of my life with fear and stagnation.

“If I had an hour to save the world I would spend 59 minutes defining the problem and one minute finding solutions” ~Albert Einstein

A major sense of accomplishment has been resonating through me, in the days since the Amazing Revelation. Identifying the issue has brought so much clarity, and while the road ahead of me won't be easy, it certainly will not do me in. If anything, I feel more certain of my path and the steps I know I will be making. 

Lately, I have been wanting to compartmentalize my life, so that I could have the space within in it to process all that has surfaced. And while for once I am feeling more introverted and introspective,- there is also a sense of openness and freedom like I have never known. Those two things feed my soul- how did I allow myself to be so repressed for so long? I simply did not know....we are masters of illusion.

In the end, I have reaffirmed what I have known all along- we are each doing the very best we can in every minute.
None of us are perfect. 
None of us have it completely figured out. 
Those gaps  in clarity where the unknown resides- well- those are the places that are filled with possibilities as much as they are filled with fear. The real action takes place when we choose the possibilities that lift is up out of the fear. 

So, Universe,  I say Yes to to following:

Yes, I will work to heal the fearful parts of my heart and soul that have been left in the dark for far too long. I am looking forward to it, because I know THIS is what I need to do to get to the good stuff waiting for me. I am super elated to be arriving here at last, and am not  the least turned off by a little hard work. It won't take me forever, especially since I am willing to do whatever needs doing to reach my intended destination.

 Yes, I will walk bravely and excitedly into a new direction with my career. I am trusting that you will deliver the people, places and experiences I need to keep stepping towards my True North. Gently, is the way I'd like this to unfold. No sudden moves- I'd prefer to ease into it. Its time to do what I am meant to to do, with the intention of helping others, and myself. 

Yes, I will open myself up to a solid, healthy, fun, mature, adventurous, loving, sensuous, surprising relationship with a NICE guy. I know what I deserve; I know what I want, and I will not settle for less than that. Its time, and I am ready for it so give him the green light to come on in. Please remind him that my nervousness is temporary- I'm a little rusty.

This is my Odyssey, and there isn't anything odd about it, because when you find your way back home, you realize you never actually left in the first place. 
Heart is where the home is.

Falling into place

"Dear Fall, I can in fact feel your presence stealthily seducing me. Your gently crisp mornings stir my soul...im ready for you. Come and get me ♥"

image via the travelerszone.com

The Summer is slipping away, and I am content to let it go. It was hell of a Summer- I seized as much as I possibly could. There were endless days of blue skies, working in the yard, my first veggie garden, making jam, napping under the tulip tree,  BBQs, laughs with friends, river floats, (3 concerts: The Head & The Heart, Florence & The Machine, and Steve Martin and Emmylou Harris), a family reunion, and several profound realizations that leave me inspired and motivated to move forward in my life. 

And... I am also exhausted. These first days of September find me happy to have some solitude. There is breathing room to let the days of Summer and the memories created be fully digested. There is a nagging desire to deeply clean my house. I want to hunker down for the next couple of weeks to reflect for the Next Big Things coming. I want to take long, hot baths and just soak it all in. Just a few weeks to let the pieces Fall into place.

Aww the sweet seduction of Autumn. I give of myself willingly. Taking it all in. There are loose plans  that involve a few quiet nights of coming home to my Husband, aka The Crock Pot, and fueling up with hearty, yummy meals  of veggies and roasted meat. Fires crackling, losing myself in a  good book or catching up on my netflix. The annual baking of Pumpkin Chocolate Chip bread. Pumpkin pancakes on my weekend...mmmmm.....The leaves on the tulip tree will begin to turn a brilliant yellow. The air will take on a crispness in the mornings and the evenings. Even now, its dark at 9pm, and I find myself ready to head into my cozy bed much earlier than I have been used to, succumbing to the sexiness of the season. 

Because what is really appealing to me, is the change- the shift from one thing to the next. My life has felt so very stagnant the last couple of months, that as I prepare for whatever is headed my way, it feels nice to know that I made it  to this restful place of transition. I can exhale now, and breathe in all of the delicious days with immense pleasure,  as they come. 

Stuck in the Middle with U

Today is one of those days where I want to say, "Fuck it all."
I want to say it, and partly mean it, but I don't. The truth is my life is fantastic, things are perculating and (inshallah, moving forward, even if it feels like at a Magic Cottage Slug's pace...)
I am an All or Nothing Type of person. I either give 110.547 % or - 1,000 points. I do not know how to comfortably hang out in the middle.
Uncertainty is a place I struggle in, because it is a place without action or forward movement. My internal fire does not know how to deal with that. This place is called Uncertainity, and today, hopefully just today, I feel stuck smack dab in the middle of it.
Frusteration, exasperation, repression, restraint, dissatisfaction, apathy, and that "Fuck it All" feeling are driving my thoughts. Its not a particularly good place in feeling. The recognition of the fact that this is the shadow side of my sunny disposion is present. This too shall pass. Tomorrow is another day...blah, blah, blah....

Today, right now, I am stuck in the middle. In the doldrums. And I just want to Moooovvveeee......
Drive off in the car, hop on a plane, run in the forest, swim in the sea...I just want to expand. I want to jump into things and get my hands dirty and figure it out as I go along.

Waiting for Divine Timing to catch up to my Grand Visions and plans sucks sometimes. It requires such patience.

*deep sigh*