The Bigger Lewbowski

image via Amazon.com

"...it's a complicated case...Lotta ins...Lotta outs. And a lotta strands to keep in my head, man." 

~The Dude

I have been writing this post in my head for the last 2 months. The goal was to have it finished by the time I had my annual "Big Lewbowski Outdoor Movie Party", in early August. Alas, it didn't happen. The struggle was in trying to articulate the profound affinity and connection ( for example, it is a major bonding force between my brothers and I) I feel for this movie, and how it applies to my own human experience. Being quite fond of symbolism of the seemingly everyday and domestic, my eyes, heart, and brain all worked  to fuse the pieces together to no avail. 

Until last night, that is. I found myself on a random and magical evening, best summed up by this morning's Facebook status update on my page:
"Sometimes, if you're lucky, you have a randomly magical night with two of your favorite friends, 3 delicious strawberry vodka lemonades (which is a lot for this delicate flower who doesn't drink much) and they take you to a Secret Society where a lovely girl plays a beautiful guitar and a mean fiddle, twin lovelies play a happy banjo and a tambourine with melodic voices, a cellist connects you to your Chezch ancestry and inspires you to pinky swear  you'll go to Prague with your beautiful dreaded friend on a red velvet couch in the ladies' loo, and that a long talked about man named John, will win you over with his funny stories, soulful songs, and a sense of wonder at how a night like that could make my belly ache with laughter and reaffirm my belief in the awesomness of this thing called life. Thank you. now i must go have some breakfast...." ♥ 

Clarity descended on me as I watched these talented musicians bare their souls through the notes of the songs in the height of my drunken state, last night. The insight came to me because I was wide open, vulnerable and completely, totally 100% being myself. I had no expectations or attachments to where I was in that moment. I just showed up to that place and time.  I was simply being and ensconced in the present moment. 

"How come I don't feel this way more often?",  I contemplated,  sometime in the middle of a cello's seductive soul call. How to attain this kind  of elevated sense of clarity without vodka? Ahhhh... yes...openness of heart, in the present is the key. As so aptly stated in another of my favorite movies,  "I Heart Huckabees",  it is the place between "pure being and human drama" where this comes in to play. 

This  sudden openness in myself made it easier for me to connect to the energy of the people I was watching perform- as if there was a direct line from my heart to theirs. Now true, I am an intuitive and these abilities are already more pronounced in myself more than most.  But this was a new awareness of my situation like I have yet known.

"New shit has come to light, man." ~The Dude

image via bothteamsplayedhard.net

An hour or so before I began my adventure last night, I had posted the above quote on FB, relating  acutely to that statement, but not really sure why. I was inspired to share, more as a declaration to myself when The Dude's page was suggested via FB to "like". Naturally, I abide. But why? Why does this story and these characters hold such value...I thought about it some more. I researched other viewpoints that included spirituality and the lessons of TBL (the Coen Brothers MUST have had some idea and deliberate intention in the writing of the film in connection with a spiritual outlook...). The need to understand is for me, and the sharing of it here in this space, is my way of working it out for myself. Surely there are other's who have also pondered in a similar fashion. Dudeism, I discovered is a real religion with over 70,000 followers. Far out, Man. Far out. 

But I digress...there is a point to all of this....stay with me....no, I don't mind if you do a "j"...

New shit has indeed come to light. With my own very personal Amazing Revelation I mentioned in the post previous, and this month's astrological themes extraordinarily 

applicable to my life and what I am currently undergoing. The  highlighted themes center on  the square of Uranus (the planet of surprise) to Pluto (the "not a planet" of transformation) that happened yesterday, Sept. 18. Just today, on a whim, I brought home a copy of the sometimes, cheesy new age-y publication, "New Connections", and opened up to the astrology section to find this September's cosmic summary by Emily Trinkaus:
"Courage, Creativity, & Power
The rising tides of change reach another peak in September, signifying a choice point that tests your courage and commitment. The Uranus- Pluto square, exact for the second time on Sept. 18, challenges you to clarify and clear inner blocks that hold you back from shining your light and sharing your gifts.
While Pluto in Capricorn signals the death and rebirth of social  structures, Uranus in Aries catalyzes the creativity and power inherent in each individual, inviting everyone to participate in the transformation in your own unique way.
On Oct. 5, Saturn [the Task Master planet] will shift from Libra to Scorpio, turning attention to the deep work of intimacy, emotional healing, and letting go. If you take responsibility for uncovering what you've repressed, hidden or otherwise banished to the subconscious, you're rewarded with the Scorpio gifts of regeneration, vitality and authentic connections."

Fucking A. That is so spot on to what I am handling in my personal life (and anyone privy to the intimate details of the private happenings of me, will see the validation here). It gives me hope that the light on the other side of the tunnel is much closer than I thought. It also validates why now, after all of these years, that I am just now seeing the blocks that have prevented me from fully embracing my whole self and sharing it more authentically.

"It is man's own responsibility to solve his problems and to make sense in his own time and place." 

~David Thorsteinsson, "Unspoken Messages: Notes on Lewbowskian Theory"

http://dudespaper.com/dude-university/unspoken-messages-notes-on-lebowskian-theory/

image via dudeism.com

All of these points seem to line up to show me, that the time is NOW. The proverbial rug has been pulled out from underneath me (as I predicted it would 2 months ago), and in the present I am left to pull all of the threads together to weave a new rug that really ties the room together. Are you listening, to The Dudette's story?

The Dude just "took 'er easy" and actively enjoyed his life. He lived in the now. He was open to experience. He got dealt some uncool stuff, and through it all he worked to understand it, and in the end became more enlightened to the condition he was in. WOW. It took me writing all of the above to get to that. Sometimes, ya just gotta write shit out.

"Ah.. fuck it. Let's go bowling."

~Walter Sobchak

image via cinemonkey.wordpress.com

My Own Odyssey

Holy Toasted Marshmallows! The last couple of weeks have been intense for me. Remember a few posts back, when I alluded to my intuition alerting me that something big was coming my way? That no area of my life would be unaffected?
Turns out I was spot on.
I am not, for once, going to go into detail here. Yes, even for me, there are things too private to share with the world.
However, I can't ever seem to  turn off extrovert mode, because that is my default...and  I want to say this about my Amazing Revelation:
Finally, after all of the soul searching and internal work I have dedicated myself to over the last 5 years, FINALLY, I have made contact with the piece that has been my road block to all other things- my career, money habits, ambition, relationships, body image, creativity...the list seems to go on because this obstacle has leached its way into so many areas of my life with fear and stagnation.

“If I had an hour to save the world I would spend 59 minutes defining the problem and one minute finding solutions” ~Albert Einstein

A major sense of accomplishment has been resonating through me, in the days since the Amazing Revelation. Identifying the issue has brought so much clarity, and while the road ahead of me won't be easy, it certainly will not do me in. If anything, I feel more certain of my path and the steps I know I will be making. 

Lately, I have been wanting to compartmentalize my life, so that I could have the space within in it to process all that has surfaced. And while for once I am feeling more introverted and introspective,- there is also a sense of openness and freedom like I have never known. Those two things feed my soul- how did I allow myself to be so repressed for so long? I simply did not know....we are masters of illusion.

In the end, I have reaffirmed what I have known all along- we are each doing the very best we can in every minute.
None of us are perfect. 
None of us have it completely figured out. 
Those gaps  in clarity where the unknown resides- well- those are the places that are filled with possibilities as much as they are filled with fear. The real action takes place when we choose the possibilities that lift is up out of the fear. 

So, Universe,  I say Yes to to following:

Yes, I will work to heal the fearful parts of my heart and soul that have been left in the dark for far too long. I am looking forward to it, because I know THIS is what I need to do to get to the good stuff waiting for me. I am super elated to be arriving here at last, and am not  the least turned off by a little hard work. It won't take me forever, especially since I am willing to do whatever needs doing to reach my intended destination.

 Yes, I will walk bravely and excitedly into a new direction with my career. I am trusting that you will deliver the people, places and experiences I need to keep stepping towards my True North. Gently, is the way I'd like this to unfold. No sudden moves- I'd prefer to ease into it. Its time to do what I am meant to to do, with the intention of helping others, and myself. 

Yes, I will open myself up to a solid, healthy, fun, mature, adventurous, loving, sensuous, surprising relationship with a NICE guy. I know what I deserve; I know what I want, and I will not settle for less than that. Its time, and I am ready for it so give him the green light to come on in. Please remind him that my nervousness is temporary- I'm a little rusty.

This is my Odyssey, and there isn't anything odd about it, because when you find your way back home, you realize you never actually left in the first place. 
Heart is where the home is.

Falling into place

"Dear Fall, I can in fact feel your presence stealthily seducing me. Your gently crisp mornings stir my soul...im ready for you. Come and get me ♥"

image via the travelerszone.com

The Summer is slipping away, and I am content to let it go. It was hell of a Summer- I seized as much as I possibly could. There were endless days of blue skies, working in the yard, my first veggie garden, making jam, napping under the tulip tree,  BBQs, laughs with friends, river floats, (3 concerts: The Head & The Heart, Florence & The Machine, and Steve Martin and Emmylou Harris), a family reunion, and several profound realizations that leave me inspired and motivated to move forward in my life. 

And... I am also exhausted. These first days of September find me happy to have some solitude. There is breathing room to let the days of Summer and the memories created be fully digested. There is a nagging desire to deeply clean my house. I want to hunker down for the next couple of weeks to reflect for the Next Big Things coming. I want to take long, hot baths and just soak it all in. Just a few weeks to let the pieces Fall into place.

Aww the sweet seduction of Autumn. I give of myself willingly. Taking it all in. There are loose plans  that involve a few quiet nights of coming home to my Husband, aka The Crock Pot, and fueling up with hearty, yummy meals  of veggies and roasted meat. Fires crackling, losing myself in a  good book or catching up on my netflix. The annual baking of Pumpkin Chocolate Chip bread. Pumpkin pancakes on my weekend...mmmmm.....The leaves on the tulip tree will begin to turn a brilliant yellow. The air will take on a crispness in the mornings and the evenings. Even now, its dark at 9pm, and I find myself ready to head into my cozy bed much earlier than I have been used to, succumbing to the sexiness of the season. 

Because what is really appealing to me, is the change- the shift from one thing to the next. My life has felt so very stagnant the last couple of months, that as I prepare for whatever is headed my way, it feels nice to know that I made it  to this restful place of transition. I can exhale now, and breathe in all of the delicious days with immense pleasure,  as they come. 

Stuck in the Middle with U

Today is one of those days where I want to say, "Fuck it all."
I want to say it, and partly mean it, but I don't. The truth is my life is fantastic, things are perculating and (inshallah, moving forward, even if it feels like at a Magic Cottage Slug's pace...)
I am an All or Nothing Type of person. I either give 110.547 % or - 1,000 points. I do not know how to comfortably hang out in the middle.
Uncertainty is a place I struggle in, because it is a place without action or forward movement. My internal fire does not know how to deal with that. This place is called Uncertainity, and today, hopefully just today, I feel stuck smack dab in the middle of it.
Frusteration, exasperation, repression, restraint, dissatisfaction, apathy, and that "Fuck it All" feeling are driving my thoughts. Its not a particularly good place in feeling. The recognition of the fact that this is the shadow side of my sunny disposion is present. This too shall pass. Tomorrow is another day...blah, blah, blah....

Today, right now, I am stuck in the middle. In the doldrums. And I just want to Moooovvveeee......
Drive off in the car, hop on a plane, run in the forest, swim in the sea...I just want to expand. I want to jump into things and get my hands dirty and figure it out as I go along.

Waiting for Divine Timing to catch up to my Grand Visions and plans sucks sometimes. It requires such patience.

*deep sigh*

What Would I Do With The Moon, Anyways?

"Change the way you look at things, and the way you look at things will change."

~Wayne Dyer

http://www.awakeninthenow.com/aitn/2010/02/communing-with-the-goddess-on-the-full-moon/

Currently on the list of things I am obsessing over is the the idea of surrendering attachments to outcomes of situations. This is hugely funny as,  Hello!!!!!... I am an intuitive who often can see possible outcomes for others... not so easily for myself. God has a sense of humor, and she likes to remind me of that- often. (Ha. Good one!! ) Why am I hung up on  this concept? Because I tend to latch on to outcomes I see for myself- and invest way too much energy in them. 

Let me state here that there is a huge difference in my brain in how I can "envision  a future possibility" and how "I completely immerse myself in the attachment to the idea". When one over-invests, there is little room for The Universe to work miracles.  I smother the shit out of my possibilities at times. I self-sabotage with obsession, especially in times where I am feeling stuck, stalled, or frustrated. This has been a life-long curse that I want desperately to break free from. 

Surrendering attachment is not a new concept- the Buddhists in fact, are big on that idea. Attachment equals suffering. Suffering is not fun. 

How do I do that? How do I relinquish 33 years of obessive patterning? How do I free myself from the ugliness of self-sabotage?

I don't know all of the answers, and I do know these things:

1.) Surrender attachments to the possible outcomes.

Loosen up! 

Release your grip! Don't hold so tightly onto the reins, Girl. Sweet Toasted Marshmallows, you are going to hurt yourself.  
I used to have a list 3 pages long detailing the kind of partner I wanted to settle down with. This list was  made shortly after my last break up (almost 5 years ago) and there may or may not have been some drinks involved... That list has been shortened to a single paragraph. Not because I am lowering my standards, because I want to free up some room for The Universe to work its own particular brand of magic. I want to be surprised by how it all comes to be. The who actually doesn't matter so much, as the intentions/values/dreams/behaviors of that man and how they line up and /or compliment with mine does matter a great deal. I have stopped asking for the moon, and instead choose to bask in its luminous glow.  Is that not just as wonderful? What would I do with the moon, anyways?
I used to think I didn't want to have kids. Now I am open to it. But even that isn't set in stone. I decided that as long as I got to build a family, whether by adoption, through marriage, or through making an actual baby with a partner- it really doesn't matter to me how that family is created. I want to be surprised there too. They say pregnant women glow... Gestating possibilites without attachment is equally illuminating on a women, in my opinion.
I want to leave my current job and start living my dream as an Intuitive Consultant. (Now, dear co-workers, don't go broadcasting this news. I am not leaving anytime soon and I don't want to get anyone's knickers all up in a bunch.) I am saying it out load and publicly here. I am making a  courageous declaration. I want to do this work because it makes me feel alive, connected, and filled with purpose.  I have no idea how how this all going to come to pass. (Another hiillaarious joke from Her. Ha!)  I just know, I have to show up, surrender to the process of being open to its happening, and not get attached to how I am going to do it. 
I must allow the glow of being lit up from within- the cause of which is doing the work that lights my heart on fire- to show me the way. That's the kind of bonfire that can be scene from the moon itself.

2.)Enjoy the Now, for it is the Proverbial Sweet Spot 

Right now. Not last week. Not 3 years ago. Not 2 months from now. Not 5 years from tomorrow. 

Right. Now. 

This present moment. 

Breathe.

Deeply. 

It is sooooooo seductive to get caught up in what was and what might be. Don't get me wrong- reflection and projection have some excellent benefits. Some of which are what help us to shape our aims and goals, and motivate forward movement.  Its those moments when we allow ourselves to drown in those places that are not now, that stifle us. When we reflect or project so long and hard, that we drown ourselves in the other possible outcomes of situations and miss the beauty unfolding right in front of us.

We stumble. We fall. We excel. We soar. Then we fall again, and stumble around a bit and take off again...its all ok. Ebb and flow is part of the cycle.

 My favorite yoga DVD is from 1992-ish, and is a bootleg copy of Bryan Kest's "Power Yoga". What I love most about his teaching style, aside from his acid washed cut-offs, is that he is big on reminding his practitioners of his philosophy:

to breathe

to hang out in the sensations they are feeling in that moment and notice them

to be where you are right now

that by doing those  things,  the  yoga practice is done perfectly. Its not about skill or endurance. Its about being where you are in the present moment. That is the sweet spot.

3.) Open up

When there is complete surrender to what is, and when we revel in the gifts of the present moment, something amazing takes place- we open up. 

Our Hearts. 

Our Minds.

Even our physical bodies open up and shift. 

The opening is what allows the Light in. Its where the magic happens. And magic is, as I define it, simply action +intention. Its the space between where miracles occur, epiphanies are born, and clarity is absolute. I have experienced all of these things personally, though they have been more like flashes. Chapters in my life ended and began with opening up. But, it does not have be something that occurs once in a while, like a  Blue Moon. It can in fact, happen every second of our existence, if we choose it.

4.)Ask for help
I have a hard time asking for help when it comes to doing actual physical laborious tasks. Like fixing my garbage disposal. Climbing the latter to pick the ripe plums. Moving a desk upstairs to the loft. Replacing the left rear brake light on Mini. Changing the light bulb in my bedroom that went out the first month I lived in the cottage, almost 2 years ago...
I don't want to admit that I can't do those things on my own. My ego has a difficult time copping to the fact that I don't know how or am not physically strong enough to do those things on my own. Plus, given the fact that historically, my Ego takes great satisfaction in reminding me that I cannot depend on anyone anyways (Remember- they always let you down. They never follow through on what they say they will do.) But wow, Ego... let me remind you that we are not so perfect either....Put those stones down, before you break the glass.
And when I do remind my Ego (it likes that I capitalize that word, natch. I'll humor it today. *chuckle*) that sometimes there is nothing else to do BUT ask for help. I call on my spiritual crew in times of need. I call on all of them or some of them.  They are a really unique, fun, and wise bunch. I even have a specific "driving guide" who directs traffic and helps me get places fast. Its true! Really! While I have promised never to reveal his name, he does an excellent job of clearing roadways and finding primo parking spaces for me. He NEVER disappoints. (Sure, that may sound a bit, imaginative, but does that truly matter as long as it works for me? Right. Exactly.)
Asking for help from my crew is never hard for me to do. It is however, comforting, instant, humbling, and beautiful. I have found myself at different times in my life, crying in bed, lost in an unfamiliar place, cooking intuitively, flying half-way around the world, blissful under the tulip tree in the sunshine, creating art, writing a blog post....and they always show up for me. I feel so lucky. 
Though I am not alone, I believe we all have these helpers. Hell, its one of the things I help my clients to discover at times. They come in all forms and sizes. Animals. Trees. Gods. Elements. Planets. Goddesses. Its everywhere and in everything. You know them when you feel them. 

Some of the things I have been asking for help from my Guides a lot lately are:
feeling peace in my heart 
releasing obsessive thoughts
to be reminded that I am in the flow of Divine Timing
help me to wake up in time and not be late to work
manifesting concert tickets
loving all of me without limits

Ask, and I do receive. Sometimes instantly. Sometimes a little bit longer, and I always get what I need. Making the request is a key step. The Universe cannot deliver until you clearly articulate what it is you need. 

Letting go of what I  over-attach to , and leaping into the unknown surprises that are just waiting to be delivered- well- its a kind of excitement that has me howling up at that beautiful Moon. 

And so it is. 

Dear Lady Bits, Are you there? Its me... Paula....

http://cuterus.blogspot.com/p/how-to-make-your-very-own-uterus.html

Dear Lady Bits,
Are you there?
Its me...Paula.
You know.... the body that carries you around?
Yeah. The one and only.

I just wanted to take a minute and speak to you about the fact that you are running behind schedule. And well, its good thing I know there is certainly not a bun in the oven, otherwise.. I 'd be a little worried. But you see the problem is, that when you hold back- I feel like all of me gets held back. We have a cycle, a rhythm you and me. And I feel off without the assurance of your monthly mechanics.
Not too mention, my hormones get jacked up and it leaves me feeling manic.
Yeah. I feel crazy! Up and down.
One minute, I am contemplating selling all of my worldly possessions, renting out my house, and taking my cat to live for an undecided length of time in the tropics. The next minute has me wanting to curl into the fetal position while hurling insults at you.
I want to cry.
I want to laugh.
I want to scream.
I want to punch something/someone.
I want to be held and cuddled.
I want to run.
I want to run away.
I want to make love.
I want to make war.
I want to drown my sorrows in the bathtub.
I want to dance on air.
I want french fries and chocolate ice cream.
FFffffuuuuuu........!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What's that you say? Huh? Its all part of the fun?
Uh... no. Not really, Lady Bits. Its not fun.

But I get what you mean. The Ups and Downs are part of the Facts of Life. It is all part of the Grand Package. I am supremely aware of that information, I assure you.  I am contemplating big life changes right now.  Everything feels in limbo, stalled like that lame car on the freeway at 8am.  I am jonsing for something to shift. And I can feel it will....patience has not ever been my strong suit... I am after all, a child of fire. A soul of action, with a heart that is open and true. And waiting for you to catch up to my timetable, is one more thing I am waiting for, Lady Bits.

Clarity, creativity and inspiration are lacking, at present. My fire feels snuffed. I need to be set on fire- in every manner of speaking. I need it. I want it. I am missing it. Without my passion and my fire, its harder for me to see myself, or the path in front of me for that matter. Lady Bits- I am walking blind right now. This part of the journey requires faith and trust, things that seem to be in fatigued quantities. You hold the key for me, Lady Bits. So hows about you get your hustle on and make things happen, already?

We have leaps of courage to make. We have dreams to shape. We have words that need to be written and expressed.

Alright... well... thanks for hearing me out. Good talk. Keep me posted.

Loving you,
Paula

Peeling Away & Rising Up

"So if it's happiness you want, that's what you'll get. You gotta rise up, Little Sister, turn on the light..."

~Diana Birch, "Rise Up"

Last week, I had one of the best days! A spontaneous Clackamas River float with two of my favorite friends was the highlight of my week! It was a picturesque July Summer Day. Hardly anyone on the river that early Thursday afternoon. Endless blue sky, 80 degree temps, and the anticipation of the Summer's first float.
It was by all accounts, a perfect, perfect day. I could not have asked for more fun! What I did need for myself however, was an additional sunscreen application. My Sweet Baby Jesus, did I get burned! My legs- my thighs more specifically- as well as the tender, delicate skin of my decolletage  were quite badly affected. Totally worth it. Abso'f'n-lutely.

Now, I am itching like a crazy person. Both literally and figuratively. I am healing from the burns of carelessness, shedding the old skin, healing as a new layer is exposed.

That's pretty symbolic- and you know me- I am not one to dismiss symbolism.

The climate in my life is changing. I can literally feel it happening with each passing second. Time stands still and it flies by all at once. I am on the verge of a very significant shift. Its all  going to happen at once. The rug underneath me is going to pulled out from underneath me in all of the most exciting ways- and set me flying about on a magic carpet ride like nothing I have never known. All at once the feelings of restlessness, creativity, action, excitement, fearlessness and total certainty flow through my veins. This coming shift is what I have been working so hard on for the last 5 years. All of my efforts, digging in, wiggling loose and immersing myself in the process of rising up is about to pay off.

This feeling is absolute, though I couldn't say exactly what is coming. I have an inkling, - no area of my life will be left unaffected. What is coming-  it's big. Very big. The only other time in my life I felt this way was about 8 years ago. I felt it coming weeks before the events actually did. The course of  my life shifted and was shaped in ways I had yet to fathom in that time. It feels very familiar now. I lie in wait, keeping my mind and hands busy until it becomes clearer.

Which is why I am itching. Both figuratively, and literally. Its almost time, but not quite time. And I am ready to get this party started, but circumstances haven't totally lined up. The retrograde ends on the 8th, and it will be go time. I have come a long way, in my healing process. Its time to fly, and I am ready for take-off.  Peeling away the layers that have served me up till now, making way for the delicate, delicious, delightful chapter that comes next. Its a whole new world waiting for me. A fantastic voyage as I have yet to delight in. My Magic Carpet will be boarding in only a matter of time......

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