What Would I Do With The Moon, Anyways?

"Change the way you look at things, and the way you look at things will change."

~Wayne Dyer

http://www.awakeninthenow.com/aitn/2010/02/communing-with-the-goddess-on-the-full-moon/

Currently on the list of things I am obsessing over is the the idea of surrendering attachments to outcomes of situations. This is hugely funny as,  Hello!!!!!... I am an intuitive who often can see possible outcomes for others... not so easily for myself. God has a sense of humor, and she likes to remind me of that- often. (Ha. Good one!! ) Why am I hung up on  this concept? Because I tend to latch on to outcomes I see for myself- and invest way too much energy in them. 

Let me state here that there is a huge difference in my brain in how I can "envision  a future possibility" and how "I completely immerse myself in the attachment to the idea". When one over-invests, there is little room for The Universe to work miracles.  I smother the shit out of my possibilities at times. I self-sabotage with obsession, especially in times where I am feeling stuck, stalled, or frustrated. This has been a life-long curse that I want desperately to break free from. 

Surrendering attachment is not a new concept- the Buddhists in fact, are big on that idea. Attachment equals suffering. Suffering is not fun. 

How do I do that? How do I relinquish 33 years of obessive patterning? How do I free myself from the ugliness of self-sabotage?

I don't know all of the answers, and I do know these things:

1.) Surrender attachments to the possible outcomes.

Loosen up! 

Release your grip! Don't hold so tightly onto the reins, Girl. Sweet Toasted Marshmallows, you are going to hurt yourself.  
I used to have a list 3 pages long detailing the kind of partner I wanted to settle down with. This list was  made shortly after my last break up (almost 5 years ago) and there may or may not have been some drinks involved... That list has been shortened to a single paragraph. Not because I am lowering my standards, because I want to free up some room for The Universe to work its own particular brand of magic. I want to be surprised by how it all comes to be. The who actually doesn't matter so much, as the intentions/values/dreams/behaviors of that man and how they line up and /or compliment with mine does matter a great deal. I have stopped asking for the moon, and instead choose to bask in its luminous glow.  Is that not just as wonderful? What would I do with the moon, anyways?
I used to think I didn't want to have kids. Now I am open to it. But even that isn't set in stone. I decided that as long as I got to build a family, whether by adoption, through marriage, or through making an actual baby with a partner- it really doesn't matter to me how that family is created. I want to be surprised there too. They say pregnant women glow... Gestating possibilites without attachment is equally illuminating on a women, in my opinion.
I want to leave my current job and start living my dream as an Intuitive Consultant. (Now, dear co-workers, don't go broadcasting this news. I am not leaving anytime soon and I don't want to get anyone's knickers all up in a bunch.) I am saying it out load and publicly here. I am making a  courageous declaration. I want to do this work because it makes me feel alive, connected, and filled with purpose.  I have no idea how how this all going to come to pass. (Another hiillaarious joke from Her. Ha!)  I just know, I have to show up, surrender to the process of being open to its happening, and not get attached to how I am going to do it. 
I must allow the glow of being lit up from within- the cause of which is doing the work that lights my heart on fire- to show me the way. That's the kind of bonfire that can be scene from the moon itself.

2.)Enjoy the Now, for it is the Proverbial Sweet Spot 

Right now. Not last week. Not 3 years ago. Not 2 months from now. Not 5 years from tomorrow. 

Right. Now. 

This present moment. 

Breathe.

Deeply. 

It is sooooooo seductive to get caught up in what was and what might be. Don't get me wrong- reflection and projection have some excellent benefits. Some of which are what help us to shape our aims and goals, and motivate forward movement.  Its those moments when we allow ourselves to drown in those places that are not now, that stifle us. When we reflect or project so long and hard, that we drown ourselves in the other possible outcomes of situations and miss the beauty unfolding right in front of us.

We stumble. We fall. We excel. We soar. Then we fall again, and stumble around a bit and take off again...its all ok. Ebb and flow is part of the cycle.

 My favorite yoga DVD is from 1992-ish, and is a bootleg copy of Bryan Kest's "Power Yoga". What I love most about his teaching style, aside from his acid washed cut-offs, is that he is big on reminding his practitioners of his philosophy:

to breathe

to hang out in the sensations they are feeling in that moment and notice them

to be where you are right now

that by doing those  things,  the  yoga practice is done perfectly. Its not about skill or endurance. Its about being where you are in the present moment. That is the sweet spot.

3.) Open up

When there is complete surrender to what is, and when we revel in the gifts of the present moment, something amazing takes place- we open up. 

Our Hearts. 

Our Minds.

Even our physical bodies open up and shift. 

The opening is what allows the Light in. Its where the magic happens. And magic is, as I define it, simply action +intention. Its the space between where miracles occur, epiphanies are born, and clarity is absolute. I have experienced all of these things personally, though they have been more like flashes. Chapters in my life ended and began with opening up. But, it does not have be something that occurs once in a while, like a  Blue Moon. It can in fact, happen every second of our existence, if we choose it.

4.)Ask for help
I have a hard time asking for help when it comes to doing actual physical laborious tasks. Like fixing my garbage disposal. Climbing the latter to pick the ripe plums. Moving a desk upstairs to the loft. Replacing the left rear brake light on Mini. Changing the light bulb in my bedroom that went out the first month I lived in the cottage, almost 2 years ago...
I don't want to admit that I can't do those things on my own. My ego has a difficult time copping to the fact that I don't know how or am not physically strong enough to do those things on my own. Plus, given the fact that historically, my Ego takes great satisfaction in reminding me that I cannot depend on anyone anyways (Remember- they always let you down. They never follow through on what they say they will do.) But wow, Ego... let me remind you that we are not so perfect either....Put those stones down, before you break the glass.
And when I do remind my Ego (it likes that I capitalize that word, natch. I'll humor it today. *chuckle*) that sometimes there is nothing else to do BUT ask for help. I call on my spiritual crew in times of need. I call on all of them or some of them.  They are a really unique, fun, and wise bunch. I even have a specific "driving guide" who directs traffic and helps me get places fast. Its true! Really! While I have promised never to reveal his name, he does an excellent job of clearing roadways and finding primo parking spaces for me. He NEVER disappoints. (Sure, that may sound a bit, imaginative, but does that truly matter as long as it works for me? Right. Exactly.)
Asking for help from my crew is never hard for me to do. It is however, comforting, instant, humbling, and beautiful. I have found myself at different times in my life, crying in bed, lost in an unfamiliar place, cooking intuitively, flying half-way around the world, blissful under the tulip tree in the sunshine, creating art, writing a blog post....and they always show up for me. I feel so lucky. 
Though I am not alone, I believe we all have these helpers. Hell, its one of the things I help my clients to discover at times. They come in all forms and sizes. Animals. Trees. Gods. Elements. Planets. Goddesses. Its everywhere and in everything. You know them when you feel them. 

Some of the things I have been asking for help from my Guides a lot lately are:
feeling peace in my heart 
releasing obsessive thoughts
to be reminded that I am in the flow of Divine Timing
help me to wake up in time and not be late to work
manifesting concert tickets
loving all of me without limits

Ask, and I do receive. Sometimes instantly. Sometimes a little bit longer, and I always get what I need. Making the request is a key step. The Universe cannot deliver until you clearly articulate what it is you need. 

Letting go of what I  over-attach to , and leaping into the unknown surprises that are just waiting to be delivered- well- its a kind of excitement that has me howling up at that beautiful Moon. 

And so it is. 

Dear Lady Bits, Are you there? Its me... Paula....

http://cuterus.blogspot.com/p/how-to-make-your-very-own-uterus.html

Dear Lady Bits,
Are you there?
Its me...Paula.
You know.... the body that carries you around?
Yeah. The one and only.

I just wanted to take a minute and speak to you about the fact that you are running behind schedule. And well, its good thing I know there is certainly not a bun in the oven, otherwise.. I 'd be a little worried. But you see the problem is, that when you hold back- I feel like all of me gets held back. We have a cycle, a rhythm you and me. And I feel off without the assurance of your monthly mechanics.
Not too mention, my hormones get jacked up and it leaves me feeling manic.
Yeah. I feel crazy! Up and down.
One minute, I am contemplating selling all of my worldly possessions, renting out my house, and taking my cat to live for an undecided length of time in the tropics. The next minute has me wanting to curl into the fetal position while hurling insults at you.
I want to cry.
I want to laugh.
I want to scream.
I want to punch something/someone.
I want to be held and cuddled.
I want to run.
I want to run away.
I want to make love.
I want to make war.
I want to drown my sorrows in the bathtub.
I want to dance on air.
I want french fries and chocolate ice cream.
FFffffuuuuuu........!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What's that you say? Huh? Its all part of the fun?
Uh... no. Not really, Lady Bits. Its not fun.

But I get what you mean. The Ups and Downs are part of the Facts of Life. It is all part of the Grand Package. I am supremely aware of that information, I assure you.  I am contemplating big life changes right now.  Everything feels in limbo, stalled like that lame car on the freeway at 8am.  I am jonsing for something to shift. And I can feel it will....patience has not ever been my strong suit... I am after all, a child of fire. A soul of action, with a heart that is open and true. And waiting for you to catch up to my timetable, is one more thing I am waiting for, Lady Bits.

Clarity, creativity and inspiration are lacking, at present. My fire feels snuffed. I need to be set on fire- in every manner of speaking. I need it. I want it. I am missing it. Without my passion and my fire, its harder for me to see myself, or the path in front of me for that matter. Lady Bits- I am walking blind right now. This part of the journey requires faith and trust, things that seem to be in fatigued quantities. You hold the key for me, Lady Bits. So hows about you get your hustle on and make things happen, already?

We have leaps of courage to make. We have dreams to shape. We have words that need to be written and expressed.

Alright... well... thanks for hearing me out. Good talk. Keep me posted.

Loving you,
Paula

Peeling Away & Rising Up

"So if it's happiness you want, that's what you'll get. You gotta rise up, Little Sister, turn on the light..."

~Diana Birch, "Rise Up"

Last week, I had one of the best days! A spontaneous Clackamas River float with two of my favorite friends was the highlight of my week! It was a picturesque July Summer Day. Hardly anyone on the river that early Thursday afternoon. Endless blue sky, 80 degree temps, and the anticipation of the Summer's first float.
It was by all accounts, a perfect, perfect day. I could not have asked for more fun! What I did need for myself however, was an additional sunscreen application. My Sweet Baby Jesus, did I get burned! My legs- my thighs more specifically- as well as the tender, delicate skin of my decolletage  were quite badly affected. Totally worth it. Abso'f'n-lutely.

Now, I am itching like a crazy person. Both literally and figuratively. I am healing from the burns of carelessness, shedding the old skin, healing as a new layer is exposed.

That's pretty symbolic- and you know me- I am not one to dismiss symbolism.

The climate in my life is changing. I can literally feel it happening with each passing second. Time stands still and it flies by all at once. I am on the verge of a very significant shift. Its all  going to happen at once. The rug underneath me is going to pulled out from underneath me in all of the most exciting ways- and set me flying about on a magic carpet ride like nothing I have never known. All at once the feelings of restlessness, creativity, action, excitement, fearlessness and total certainty flow through my veins. This coming shift is what I have been working so hard on for the last 5 years. All of my efforts, digging in, wiggling loose and immersing myself in the process of rising up is about to pay off.

This feeling is absolute, though I couldn't say exactly what is coming. I have an inkling, - no area of my life will be left unaffected. What is coming-  it's big. Very big. The only other time in my life I felt this way was about 8 years ago. I felt it coming weeks before the events actually did. The course of  my life shifted and was shaped in ways I had yet to fathom in that time. It feels very familiar now. I lie in wait, keeping my mind and hands busy until it becomes clearer.

Which is why I am itching. Both figuratively, and literally. Its almost time, but not quite time. And I am ready to get this party started, but circumstances haven't totally lined up. The retrograde ends on the 8th, and it will be go time. I have come a long way, in my healing process. Its time to fly, and I am ready for take-off.  Peeling away the layers that have served me up till now, making way for the delicate, delicious, delightful chapter that comes next. Its a whole new world waiting for me. A fantastic voyage as I have yet to delight in. My Magic Carpet will be boarding in only a matter of time......

<3 p="p">

Sweet Summer Songs

This list is one I have been wanting to compile for a few weeks now. And really, Its not in any particular order. These songs all remind me of Summer, not necessarily because I have Summer memories attached to them, more or less its because they invoke a Summer State of Mind for me.
Picture me in the Mini, sunroof open, windows down. Wind whipping through my hair, driving blissfully as if the Devil is chasing me down.
This is my Summer Soundtrack. Just press play.

"Don't Worry Baby"- The Beach Boys


"Wasting Time"- Jack Johnson


"Got to Give It Up"- Marvin Gaye


"Nassau/ Baby I Love Your Way"- Peter Frampton


"Hooch"- Everything


"Local God"= Everclear


"Stir It Up"- Bob Marley


"Oviedo"- Blind Pilot


"Summertime"- DJ Jazzy Jeff & Will Smith


"I love You Always & Forever"- Donna Lewis


"Rhythm of Love"- Plain White T's


"Your Easy Lovin' Ain't Pleasin' Nothin"- Mayer Hawthorne


"Groovin' Slowly"- John Butler Trio


"Sound of Sunshine"- Michael Franti


"Lullaby"- The Dixie Chicks

through the head & the heart

Nullah- "Mrs. Boss, I will sing you to me."

Lady Ashley-" And I will hear you."

~from the movie, "Australia

call and answer.
This is my Universal experiment, these days. Manifestation is a hell of a Divine Teacher. Its quick- real quick.  Be careful what you wish for, I was warned, because you will get it.
 Inshallah.
When one is lined up, open and prepared to accept what has been called, knowing that what ever comes is for the Highest Good- well.... then there is no limit to what can be had.

But we do limit ourselves. With the thoughts we think, and the actions we take. Or the ones we don't.

I have a experienced a breakthrough- right through my head and my heart, directly because of The Head & The Heart.

A few months ago, I learned a band I like, The Head & The Heart, was going to be playing a concert at the Zoo. I kept putting off buying tickets for me and my brother (we had discovered this band together, the previous May, when we went to see Iron & Wine. The Head & The Heart opened for Mr. Beam, and we fell instantly in love with their sound and lyrics. It seemed only fitting that we should see them together again.) But I procrastinatied too long, and by the time I was ready to buy tickets a few weeks before the show last night, it had sold out.

I was bummed out, and... I was also not worried. I knew a few things. I knew that I had made up my mind that I wanted to go that show and  I knew I could make it happen.

Making it happen would require me to fall back on faith. Opening up to the Universe was completely necessary. So was taking as much action as I could. You have to meet the Universe, half-way, afterall. It appreciates efforts based in faith.


Immediately, I placed an ad on Craigslist. I networked with friends who had ticket connections. I surrendered to the idea that it may be that I was not meant to attend that show. As sad as I would be to miss it, I understood it. I also wasn't going to give up. I kept visualizing me and my brother there on the Zoo lawn, under a July summer sky. I envisioned a picnic basket and cool breezes. I felt the beat of the drums and heard the harmony of voices. I put myself there as if it had already happened as if I was simply reliving a memory.

The day of the show,  I was still without tickets. My faith was unwavering- I KNEW I would be at that concert. I could feel the happening of it in those moments. As if I could quite literally feel the sands of time expanding and contracting. As I do... every day without noticing it too much.

From my Craigslist post, I had had only once reply earlier that week. By the time I replied, the tickets had been sold. Not to worry, I reminded myself- those were not my tickets. But that morning, waiting for me in my inbox, was another reply. It only takes one, I thought, and this is it. By 4pm that day, I had tickets in hand. The show started at 7pm. Why were these my tickets? Because the guy I bought them from said just the night before, he and his wife made the reluctant admission to themselves that their grumpy 2 year old daughter was not going to let her parents enjoy the show with her tantrums. Their loss was my gain.

Manifesting is  about timing that isn't always our own. Because we are all connected, and my timing runs into, parallels, and harmonizes with everyone around me. Everyone has their time to make that left turn at the yellow blinking light. If you had made it earlier- you might have rear-ended that guy. Or missed that song on the radio that held a significant message for you. Or missed that guy you locked eyes with at the coffee shop and got a jolt from more than the coffee. The list goes on- and if you stop to think about it- life is series of moments that add up to a lifetime. Each moment not any more important to than the other- they are all important, because it is taking you exactly.where.you.are.supposed.to.go.

I needed this expereince to remind me of that. That even when we think nothing is happening- something is happening. Behind the scenes of Life's Grand Stage, their are crew members scurrying around to make sure everything is ready to support the next scene.  I also needed to see first hand, how powerful I am in this way, and that its nothing I should be afraid of.

It was certainly no coincidence in my mind, that I have been working specifically on manifestation and its ways this week. As I sat enjoying the company of my friends and my brother last night at the show, I was incredibly grateful. My heart bursting with joy for what I had been given. Something far more precious than tickets to a show. I had been given tickets to my own brand of power.  I had made this happen because I was lined up in my head and in my heart. I had faith, trust, and a willingness to put forth my best efforts. And the supreme understanding that whatever happened was what was to be.

So what would happen if I worked on manifesting other things? What is next??!!! The possibilities feel as limitless as the sky. The fear won't hold me back. On my 33rd birthday, I promised myself that this would be the year of Magical Thinking. There is a new chapter waiting to be written just around the bend. One filled with my heart's deepest desires as I  know them now. I have to finish this one first- it won't be long. I can see myself already in the next place. Its beautiful and joyous. Its happening even now...  It may sound silly and I  know what I know.

Hasn't everything I have been given proven to me these truths?
 Concert tickets.
 A Magic Cottage that  I will own soon.
 A car I long-desired before I ever thought it possible to own.
There is a story, a desire, and a thank you behind every thing I own. Every friendship I have. Every relationship I have been in. Every job I have worked. Even my cat, Elwynn" Ellie Bean" Eisner comes with all of that.
Its because I am reminded of what I have known all along-


 I can can sing out to the Universe, and it will hear me.

Leather & Lace

The Union of Shiva and Shakti 

Image from ashtarcommandcrew.net

Yin and Yang
Black and white
Positive and negative
Light and dark
Male and female

Lately, I have been exploring and focused on these polarities within myself. It came about last week, as I was falling asleep. The whole right side of my body ached at different points. Funny how not at all on the left  side, I thought.
The next morning, I was reading in a book about the Inner Masculine and Inner Feminine.  The book introduced the concept that the right side of the body is the Feminine side, and the left is the Male side. Coincidence? I think not. The correlation between the two relates also to the Hindu principles of the Divine Union between Shiva (God) and Shakti (Goddess) and how when they are aligned, they are connected as One, to the Divine.

I believe in the idea that we are all of God/ Goddess, and discord between and reconnection of  the Inner Masculine and the Inner Feminine- are the hurdle to a more enlightened state of being. But I had not really thought much about it as it relates to my own physical body, or my relationship connections until now.

A few days later, I was at acupuncture and I was telling  all of this to my other acupuncturist, M.  I was further relating a new understanding- perhaps  that the reason the right side of my body had been aching, was because I am over-pronounced with my Inner Feminine. I am lacking the voice and expression of my Inner Masculine, creating a sense of numbness and disconnection from the ledt side of my physical body. M. confirmed this based on the points I showed her  were hurting. She went on  to explain some of Chinese Medicine's  concepts around Chi (the body's life force/ spirit) and the union of Yin and Yang (masculine and feminine energies), and it all lined up to what I am experiencing in my life presently. It never surprises me that my body speaks in a language that relates to what I am going through in my life on an emotional/spiritual plane.  Of course this is what would be happening for me! This is what comes out of listening to my body's messages- Aha! moments of supreme significance.  M. treated me with the needles in such a way that my body would begin to unlock the pathways to uniting the two sides. I can feel the shifting even now, gently it the left side is waking up.

Over the last week, several facts that back up this idea have presented themselves to me:
- my hormone panel test done a few months ago, revealed that I have a very high level of estrogen in my body. Estrogen is the female sex hormone.
-I am right handed, and thus I use the right side of my body quite a lot. Even my nose piercing is done on my right side of the nose.
-I am deeply disconnected from the left side of my body. The fact that I am completely deaf in my left ear ads to the disconnection and dependency on my right side was no doubt encouraged and fostered by this fact. When I stop to get quiet and really feel my body- I can honestly say I don't feel a kinship with the whole left side of myself. It is an odd sensation to realize that I feel as if one side of body is a total and complete stranger, even after living with it for 33 years.
-I have more women friends than guy friends. Strong females gravitate towards me, because I am such a fierce woman. Men that I am close to, are few and far between. I would also observe that the the men who are my close friends, are men who are comfortable with their feminine side. I also observe that the many lesbian* friends I have is again because of the fiercely strong female energy I radiate. (* this also got me thinking about all of my dear gay friends- perhaps homosexuality is the transitioning of the two energies in this lifetime...hmmm... this is fascinating to me. I have never questioned why people are gay. I have known many and have them as family and best friends. It has always seemed  to me that  it has been more about the person and what makes them to be who they are, rather than what their sexual preference is- that part seems to be the result of the balance of self in this particular life, is my theory.)
- I am right brained- meaning I live by my intuition, creativity, and feelings. The left brainers of the world are guided by logic and reason.
- all of my ex-boyfriends have been weak men and also men who are more in touch with their feminine sides and not manly men.
- I realize what I am seeking is a man who is balanced and is comfortable on both sides of those energies. My ideal man is part John Corbett's character from "The United States of Tara", part Joe Dubois from the tv show " Medium", and part Jack Johnson. The Ideal Man who I not only desire to partner in relationship with, but he is also the fully expressed version of the Male half of who I am.  The Ideal man is down-to-earth, solid, protective, a problem solver, openly communicative, logical as well as feeling. He can hold space for intellect and emotion. He is comfortable with his whole self. He is a warrior. He is a god. He is an artist. He is a scientist. He is a spiritual man. He is a family man. He is a man of heart. He is a man of reason.  He is not perfect, thus making him perfect. )

John Corbett

image from: seat42f.com

Jake Webber as "Joe Dubois", who's chracter is an actual rocket scientist on "Medium"

image from:experienciapersonal.es

Jack Johnson

song writer, singer, musician, surfer, family man, environmental advocate

image from:sports.espn.go.com

Further research into the imbalance of the Inner Masculine and Inner Female talk about how if a person is lacking and seeking a relationship with say for example as in my case, a man, it is partly, if not fully attributed to the fact that there is a huge disconnect within the self between the two sides. This resonates with me. My Female side has overshadowed my Male, and so I have no idea how to really interact or connect with a strong, whole, balanced man.

This got me pondering....
I had a dominance of the Female energy from a young age because I needed it, and it served me well. As a result, the disconnect has left me a stranger to half of myself. The idea that by calling forth, welcoming in and getting to know that side of myself can lead to inner balance feels like what I have been seeking. It becomes less about seeking out a man to be in partnership with, and more about coming into a relationship with the man in me.

As soon as I asked for these parts of me  to show up- the Inner Male (Native American Warrior God) and Inner Feminine (Celtic Priestess/ Goddess) and reveal themselves to me, they did. And they are vastly different, and yet they yearn to be united.  Its a beautiful love story waiting to be told. I feel a deep desire to not just marry myself, but to commit these two parts of who I am into a sacred union. This is what I think is really meant by "loving yourself".

It also had me wondering if this is the real reason behind why the Great Love Story resonates with so many - because when we see those happy endings, and sigh those wistful sighs- is it because we feel its a dream of fulfillment we can never have, yet we deeply desire?  Is this also why when we break up from someone we have been in a significant  partner relationship, it is so heartbreaking? Because we feel like the only way to attain this energy is through another? We know this to not be true, and yet it does not feel so if we are not enlightened. What if we realized we are our own happy ending- the uniting of our self is the romantic fairy tale we have been wanting to read all along? And what about people in successful partnerships- do the two balance each other out? Do there Inner Masculine and Inner Female all get along and play nicely with each other? Hmmmm.....

Driving to work yesterday, mulling over all of this an more, a song came on the radio that was so apropos, that it could not be a coincidence. I am including a video of a remake with Maroon 5 and Sara Evans, and the classic by Stevie Nicks and Don Henley is still my favorite. The lyrics speak to both of my parts and the love story that is unfolding within.

"Give to me your leather
Take from me, my lace..."


 g

Mighty as Ahprodite

Botticelli's "Venus de Milo"

Something amazing happened to me last night.
Something I thought would never happen- an experience that I felt sure would elude me all of my life.
It was subtle at first, and then as the feelings washed over me- it felt profound and solid. The truth of it coursing through my blood and bones. Every cell and chakra warmed by the truth of it.....

I came to realize that I love and accept my whole self 100%.

Letting go of judgments around my physical form, has been challenging. And yet, I have willed myself to to so. I have let go of negativity and a few pounds too. Not that I have really been paying attention- because I haven't.

This internal shift has been in the works for a long time, and I feel it was greatly expedited by a few things:

• my return to therapy with my intuitive therapist who uses a combination of talk therapy and reiki to work through whatever issues are up to be healed
• reiki with another friend- we trade a reiki treatment from her for an intuitive reading from me. This has been healing for both of us on so many levels.
• my willingness and diligence in healing my imbalanced and stuck energy points- reframing, listening to, and affirming
• letting go of people and situations that no longer fit me, and calling in and allowing new people and situations to show up 
• calling in the assistance and influence of the Goddess Aphrodite, after having her feature so prominently in readings  I have had done in the last couple of weeks- invoking her energy into my life as been a very real and magical experience. This new influence has inspired me  and is healing my creativity and my sexuality in a loving, kind and gentle way. 
• Venus (the Roman name for Aphrodite) just eclipsed the sun  (June 5 & 6) in a rare event that will bring Spiritual and Technical revolution in the near future as we have yet to know. 
• Venus is also retrograde until June 27, which is why it is such a perfect time that I have returned, researched, reconnected and reevaluated this planet/goddess influence in my own life

image from www.roxyjamesfiles.wordpress.com

So last night, as I was laying in my cozy bed, with Ellie snoring away beside me- I suddenly had a vision of myself interacting with another  unknown person (who was more sensed and felt than I was actually able to see exactly who it was) and felt this love surge up in me and around me. Because it has always been there, and had at last been reawakened in a way that warmed my soul like I have never known. I always expected that if that day ever come, that it would feel as if I had just run a marathon- all of the hard work and determination paying of in an endorphin ass-kicking high. It was different than that- and hardly what I expected...and so wonderful. This morning as I awoke, I could still feel the warmth of that newfound knowing present, and I knew- it's here to stay.

*happy dance*

Because I called it to me, I worked for it, I sought it, and surrendered to it. Man, I think I am actually kind of in love with myself a little. I see myself the way I look at Ellie or a dear friend or family member. Sure I have flaws and things I would prefer to improve upon and... I am also beautiful, cute, funny, awesome, voluptuous, bright, and intelligent. I am exactly what I have been waiting for. I love me for all that I am , just as I am. I am massivley grateful for all of the work, conversations, healing, loving, fearing and energy it took to get here. It has all been worth it! I feel calm and incredible at once. As if not much has changed when at the same time so much has changed that it isn't a big deal.

Aphrodite from Doreen Virtue's Goddess Oracle Deck, the one I use for readings

There is a feeling of powerful love that permeates. A sensualness- not just in a sexual sense-  also in the way that I actually experience  and fully enjoy living life through my senses. I have reclaimed my divinity- that which is in us all- and am living my everyday life with that knowing.

 I am indeed, a living goddess- mighty as Aphrodite herself. <3