taming the fire

It's difficult for me to sometimes keep my fire in check.
I react quickly to situations that ignite a hot reaction.
Stepping back and asking "what would Love do here?" has been something I have been trying to incorporate into my daily life.
Being grounded has been important.
Creating a protective bubble against the emotions I pick up around me. It becomes harder to separate myself from what I psychically take on, versus what is actually mine. I finally figured out the reasons I don't like to talk on the phone, or be in crowds, or busy places in general, I more often than not prefer the silence to noise- because my gentle psychic self cannot handle it. It's too much. Any opportunity I can take to be alone without interruptions, I seize zestfully. Though I don't want to be a hermit. I do want to be a sassy little witch living in her Magic Cottage, on her Witchy Wonderland.
So I put my roots down, and my branches up, shields full power.
Learning to walk in the world, being as sensitve as I am, grounded and available. Balance between earth and sky.
Sun and moon.
Yin and yang.
In and out.
Of and On.
And on, it goes.
Om Namah shivaya.

too much yin, not enough yang

Lately, I have been thinking, meditiating on, and observing vibrations.
Sounds of the soul.
Chakral alignment.
Kundalini.
Energy imbalance.

It occurred to me, around my birthday in November, that the male energy in my life is seriously lacking.
I Am not just talking about the fact that I am sans boyfriend these days.
When I look around on my facebook page, or in my phone book, the number of male friends that I would genuinely like to hang out with and shoot the shit with is limited to a number on one hand.
When my guy friends pair off with their ladies, the friends often get the shaft. Because if the S.O. doesn't know you, or like you, then it's kind of weird to hang out.

And I have finally, after working at it and sometimes embarrassing myself to an a crazy extreme, have stopped acquiring male friends that I am crushing on and have hidden agendas with. (Although I have heard it expressed that guys are not friends with girls they wouldn't be..cough.. intimate with {which leads me to ask myself, is that the reason why I don't have as many close male friends as I once did- because I am not found attractive. Great. Way to make my self esteem take a nosedive into oblvion. Because let's face it- our egos want us to be desired and found attractive.}).
And I guess, to a certain degree, I do find all of my male freinds somewhat attractive. Definately some more than others. However, I no longer desire to be in a realtionship with any of them.
Oh crap. I have digressed so far, that I have lost my point.....
....er... uh....OH, right!

As I was saying- the number of close guy friends compared to my close female friends is seriously imbalanced.
Which makes me think about my body and the fact that it is fighting a daily battle to balance out the male and female hormones/energies in my body. As a woman with PCOS, I have high levels of testosterone. (which can be great news for my boyfriends- high sex drive is peaked when coupled.) But there are negatives to that situation too.
There has to be a connection.
Can I bring balance to both areas?
There is a lot of yin in my life- meditation, reflection, female bonding and friendships,nurturing,most of the music I listen too is softer in it's tone customer service, living on my own, creating art, 3 out of 4 health care providers are female, even my cat is female.
Would balancing my yin and yang energies allow me to vibrate at another level that would attract more male energy into my life? I am also fully cognizant, of the fact that I have such strong boundaries up, due to my issues of being hurt by men I let in closely. Is my recognition of this lack, an indication of me relaxing and changing the boundaries? There is something in me that has to open up to let it in.
And I will be honest.
I want to open myself up and let in new energies.
And....
I am scared shitless to do it.
Yet....I am creating the opportunities. I just keep breathing, praying, asking, and surrendering to what comes up. I said I wanted a revolution, weeeellllll.... you know...

Tonight, as I was listening to DJ Quick on the ride home, I tapped into some of that more masculine energy and was rapping along in my car, bass pumping. Confidence rose as I spouted off the lyrical rhymes. Words so out of character for me, I think most people would be shocked.
Like the guy in office space, who sings gangsta rap in his car, on the way to work.
Yep.
Kinda like that. :)

Reminiscing on "My So-Called Life"

Recently, a friend of mine lent me the first and only season of "My So-Called Life". I hadn't watched it since it was on, in 1994-1995. I myself was a sophmore in high school when it was on tv. And I remember identifying with the characters and the show itself. This is what made it so popular- because most everyone could relate on some level. Because we are all connected by similar experiences.

Watching the show again, the memories flooded back. My high school, in the mornings, where my locker was, eating lunch with my friends outside almost everyday, the boys I had what I was positive of at the time, the greatest love of all for. (I was the Queen of unrequited "love" back then.) I made art. I wore Birkenstocks and clogs. Hootie and the Blowfish, The Spice Girls, and the Cranberries dominated my tape player. I didn't have a car yet, and can still feel the texture of the green vinyl seats of the bus on the back of my legs.I remember my biology teacher, pretty and young- she was surely a cheerleader in high school, herself, always had outfits that were perfectly coordinated- right down to earrings. I remember the smell of the art rooms, and the freedom I felt to be myself in those spaces. Watching "Friends" and "Seinfeld" on Thursday nights on the little black and white tv in my room, while doing my homework.I recall reading " A Tale of Two Cities", and discovering Jane Austen during my solitary lunches in the library. * sigh* The nostalgia grips me like a vice for a moment, and then passes into relief for the fact that I am not there but I am here now. Looking back, I couldn't wait to get out of there. To hurry up and make the grades, get the diploma and start living my life.
And yet, watching this show again, bubbles up parts of the girl I was then and how she still influences me ever so subtly today. I wonder what it would be like to go back and do it all over again, except as the woman I am now. The wisdom and knowledge I have gained about life in my tool box of survival against my peers and my parents. Would I have partied more? Probably not. I was in a hurry to grow up, but not nearly as hurried as some of the kids I went to school with.
I waited for sex, drugs and rock and roll until years later. Thankfully, the wait made those experiences easier to handle, because I had the mature emotions to deal with those experiences. God, I would have been a wreck if I had been partying it up in high school! Drinking on a school night? Man, I can barely have a glass of wine and function now!
Somewhere among my boxes of keepsakes, I have a letter that I penned to myself from that era. It's a time capsule of sorts, as it has it written on the front not to open until 2015. At the time, it seemed like an impossibly long time away- light years away. Now that its 2011, I realize if I can hold out for 4 more years, I will have followed my own instructions. Sometimes, I get very curious about that letter, laying in bed at night. What did I write to myself? What bits of information did I want to be sure to pass on, because I was so sure it was necessary for me to remember, years later?
I do know, sitting here in my Magic Cottage, I am living a life I didn't quite see for myself. Not that I had an exact vision then. But if feels like its all happening simultaneously. Sometimes, if I wake up in the middle of the night, before I open my eyes to get up and go to the bathroom, I can put myself right back there- to the house on Brogden Street. The house quiet, except for the dog's snores. My family asleep. The hum of the refrigerator in the kitchen. My cat, curled up next to me, and the ticking sound of my alarm clock. I am back in my room with its lavender walls and also in my bedroom at the Magic Cottage. Because it is all happening at the same time- those moments tucked away in my mind, happening all over again, as I am in the here and now.
The questions I had then, have evolved into new questions now. And some mysteries have been reve4aled while others remain elusive. Like Angela getting into Jordan Catalano's car and driving away, on the cliffhanger of the century- the possibilities and the not knowing are kind of perfect, hand in hand, in their own way.

lifer's block

If I think back on it, there have been times I was sure of the connection. To myself, to everyone, the earth. There have been more times than not, where I have simply accepted the idea of connection, because it just is. But somewhere between those two places- the total acceptance and the understated knowing- I got away from it.
Unplugged.
And while I have been unplugged, I have been blocked.
After a recent conversation, where I hardly got a word in edgewise over an hour, my soul felt a bit lectured.
Remember that?
Feel that resonate within you?

Yes, some of it. Yes indeed.
Some of it, lots of it, my ego says, was a bit of projection from the proverbial soapbox.
yes, well, that's nothing new.
True.
So what is new?

The unrest.
Egypt isn't the only one seeking independence.
I wake up alone and have, for most of my life.
In the mornings, is when things seem most clear. The clarity sometimes comes with an uncomfortable and familiar feeling. The quiet of the mind.Gratitude for another day. Gratitude for the blessings that I have received.

Something is lacking.
Because I am not as open as I have been at times in my life.
I am blocked, by my own hand, so to speak.So much isn't working the way I really want it to. Let's get authentic. Let's get real about that. And by let's - I mean me.

To The Moon

missing him, cursing him, respecting him, questioning him, cherishing him, wondering about him, feeling him, loving him. 7 years ago today I lost my dad to the Great Mystery. In the years since, much has been learned about my connection to him and how he has affected me in my life. Dad- thanks for all of it. The hard and painful stuff, and the joyful and whimsical. I am who I am partly because of you. Loving you.....

Hibernation

October through January are the roughest months for me, mentally.(Especially this year- my brother got into a freak bicycle accident and spent a night in the hospital the week of Christmas, and I contracted a nasty stomach virus that mimicked food poisoning and made me miss a friend's wedding on New Years Eve. Ugh. December sucked.) Working in retail just zaps me. So much is needed from me- by the end of my day I can't even think about returning a phone call, a text or a facebook comment.
I don't want to.
I want to be left alone.
A lot of times when I come home, I don't turn on the stereo or the tv. I just blissfully allow myself to be undone by the silence in the cottage.
There is a sense of guilt that comes from my lack of communicating. I know people want to connect with me, and I just don't have anything leftover to give. I have always been an all or nothing kind of person. For me, I don't feel right about connecting with someone unless I can give them 100% of my undivided attention. The energy that is taxed from my job and the daily responsibilities of my life is frustrating.
My personality, as a Sagittarius, has always naturally rebelled against clingy energies or demands on my time, life, ways of doing things..it's a blessing and a curse. Independence and freedom are two things I make sure I have for myself. Without them I would be so unhappy. I have to be able to do what I know is best for me, and that includes a self imposed hibernation period.
For the last 3 years, in January, immediately following inventory after New Year's, I schedule for myself a "communication vacation". No phone, no email, no appointments. This year I took a whole week off, and I aside from attending a friend's 30th birthday and a massage- I stayed home. I napped. I caught up on some natal charts. I worked on a puzzle. I napped some more. I watched a few movies. I read some books. I journaled. I reflected. I relaxed. I recalibrated myself. I gave myself the gift of being left alone.
3 days ago, I went back to work. I was ready to. I felt refreshed, confident and ready to be present and accomplish goals.
I feel that way in general now.
The open sign is on and up. I am ready to plug back into my world. Which means a slew of emails, phone calls, and appointments will be made in the next week.
It also means I feel ready to be more present in my relationships. I am ready to connect and give my energy.
But I 'll pace myself and carry over the relaxed tone I have been enjoying. Gotta do it all in my own way, in my own time.
That's just how I roll.

New Year, New Moon

Tonight is the first new moon, of the new year.
I was born under a new moon. I feel like that lunar energy adds to my innate optimism.

Inside my head, ideas dance. I am full up of inspiration for new projects. Lots of furniture painting/finding. Redecorating. Paintings I want to create. Gifts to make. Dishes to cook. *SIGH* not enough hours in the day.

I have to keep reminding myself, that I am not in a hurry. That this is my life. The doing. The coming and going. The being. The creating. I am living it right now. It doesn't need to be finished RIGHT NOW. I can take my time. Because I am not going anywhere. This is my home and I am in it.