for reference later on....

"Trust In Yourself"
I believe all of us have a built-in compass to help us get to whatever we desire to go. Don't forget to trust that compass, and refer to it often, for with that trusting will come the strength to bear whatever life deals you.

Don't get led astray. Ask your heart for the truth, and it will come with the answer and the good judgment to make the decisions you need to make. Love everyone, and don't question Love's reception. Do the best you can. Live each day as it comes.We can't get ahead of ourselves anyway.

Remember: just as you have questions now, somewhere inside you, and down the road, there will be better answers and workable solutions. It takes patience and trust to get through life's changes when you are trying to reach goals, solve problems, and make dreams come true. Though at times it may seem more than you can take, I know you are strong, and you can handle whatever comes your way. Trust in yourself.

-Donna Fargo

Stirred up

Yesterday was one of the worst days I have had in a really long time.
I decided to see my ex, and in fact over the last two weeks we had dinner together.
I went and saw his new (old) house the other night. (no funny business)
I left incredibly sad.
It is the perfect house for him- so much potential. I am sad to know I won't ever get to see how it turns out.
We love each other, we miss each other, but there are still barriers that keep us a part.
My faith has been tested again, and I am even a little angry with the Guy Upstairs- why bring him back into my life, only to show me all that I cannot have? Why taunt me?
Why stir up all those feelings again?
Why after 3 years, after all the work I have done to move on, am I still in love with this man who is so wrapped up in fear he's scared to be with me again?
Why couldn't we do the work together to move forward into something new and joy-based?

I know- you all out there have your opinions:
He's not good enough for you.
He's just a fuck up who will never get his shit together.
He is a fool.
He's a nice guy who is just really screwed up in his heart and head.
You deserve better.

Blah, blah, blah.
Tell it to my heart- it doesn't hear those opinions when we look at each other and that deep connection zings through us. Those opinions do not comfort me, because no one knows us the way we do. He is the only guy who has ever GOTTEN me. He gets me and I get him. That is a rarity- and that is the thing I mourn. When you meet someone you fall in love with who gets you- its hard to let that go.

I don't know how to turn off the love, the connection or the hope. I am fighting an internal battle with myself about what to do. Therapy is scheduled for next week. Until then everything is hanging in limbo- my heart, my head, my home even.

This is a really shitty time in my life and I am not having fun.

Couch Surfing Through the Static

All moved out.
Thank God.

It's liberating and disorienting to not be in my own space. I am so very thankful for my brother's generosity.
Ellie is holding up well- she's definitely jarred by all of the change. She deals with it by sleeping.
A lot.

One foot in front of the other, I am content just to show up for the day's work- and all that that may be.
Sometimes it take us back to places, only to move forward.
I am currently lost in translation. I am trying to read the pictures through the static. That sometimes requires extra strength vision.
And in the end, we choose what we choose. We see what we see. We do what we do.
And this is it- this is my life. I make it all that it will be by the choices I make.
I trust in that. Don't you?

For me at present, the process consists of sorting through all of the emotions bubbling up after uprooting myself. It's real funny the things that life brings. Real funny. Ha ha...

I am excited to be here right now. *smile* I often state that I am a believer of greater possibilities. It feels so delicious to be living that statement out loud- louder than I ever have before.

Giving Up The Ghost

2 more days and I will be moved out.
There have been some miraculous happenings in the last couple of weeks.
Working on giving up the ghosts that live in my apartment (literally), in my head, and in my heart.
The ex boyfriend did write me, today actually.
I wasn't all that surprised, and then I was surprised. I don't know if that makes enough sense.
It wasn't the letter I had been waiting for, but then it was I suppose. One last push, confirming to the Universe that yes, I am really ready to move on into something different.
Whatever that looks like.
Saying that, to the ghosts, isn't always easy.
And you never are totally 100% sure that they get the message.
But they must.
Love lives on in the spaces we work in, long after we have left them.
Little points of light to remind us where we have been, and compel us forward into the unknown.

About a week ago, I found the perfect apartment. The one I said I wanted, where I wanted, with everything I wanted. 2 hours before I was to meet the landlady to see it, she called me. " I just rented it.", she told me.
Damn.
I guess it wasn't the right one.
I wasn't upset, because I know a miracle had just happened.

What I asked for exists.
It just wasn't the right time.

Knowing that, shifted something in me. It opened me up the the possibility that I could have what I deeply desire. It means I don't have to settle.
It means that as usual, it comes down to timing.
And faith.

I'm Just Going to Say It

Sometimes I miss him.

Its this sad, gripping ache that shows up every now and again. It catches me at vulnerable times in my life now.
In dreams, where his eyes bore deep into mine- the place we can only be connected now- we say the things we feel without words.
Haunting each other as we move through the world.
It's a point of frustration for me.
Obviously, if we had fit together as well as is required of a committed relationship, we'd be together now.
While many things clicked and felt so right, the few things that didn't were/ are important enough to keep me from calling him now.
A phone number that only lives inside my head.
No letters to send him, because words fall short and empty now. They get me nowhere.

Sometimes I hate myself for thinking about him everyday. I do though. I miss him and parts of us, every single day. I work extra hard to remind myself then, of all of the things I don't miss. The struggles, the tears, the supreme frustration of losing myself and him.
I wonder if it will always be this way.
Will I ever meet another who affects me as deeply- someone who pales his memory in comparison?
It will be 3 years in next month, since we broke up so tragically. We tried again last year and it didn't get very far, much to my dismay, even going at a slower, wiser pace. I broke things off for good last August.
Haven't seen or heard from him since then.
I told him I did not want to stay in contact with him.
I felt that if he wasn't able to man up and choose me, then he didn't deserve me in any capacity.
I know that's right.
But you know what?
There is a part of me that waits for him...
to write the letter, to make the call.
But a broken man who struggles to make himself whole won't be writing or calling me anytime soon.
I know that.
I wait for him and the man who might come along to pick up where he left off.
*sigh*
Not sure which train will come first, if at all.

Moving On

Well, after almost 3 years, I am leaving the Boundary behind.
My cozy little home on Boundary Street is now filled with boxes of my belongings. The walls hold my memories.


Thinking back to who I was when I moved in here, October 15, 2007 astonishes me now. I had just literally gone through the most devastating break-up of my life, a mere week before. I had permanently taken the job at the Cedar Hills Store. And I was on my own for the first time in 8 years. I was lonely, depressed, heartbroken and so unsure of who I was in those moments, feeling like a sad shell of a once vibrant person. I hunkered down in my little place, slowly putting myself back together.








My eyes get a little misty when I think about my impending last day here,(Aug. 31). I feel so different. I feel evolved. I am grateful for this place, and what it allowed me to discover and do for myself. There was so much fun had here! Cozy nights in, chatting over dinner with friends, a few Girl's Nights. Many BBQ's- the Summers were properly Seized! And of course, the final hurrah last month- the outdoor viewing of the Big Lewboski with 25 of my awesome friends!






Memories like these are forever in my heart, and warm it with joy.

snowstorm hell Dec 2008









Where I am moving on to from here, I haven't a clue. I will be putting all of my things in storage for the better part of Sept, and staying with my brother on his couch. Yes- Ellie is coming too. Then we will be house sitting for a friend until mid-September when it is my wish, we shall then move into our perfect apartment! Trusting in the Universe is what I am doing- with a easy faith. I found this place, didn't I, just hours after splitting with my ex. I am confident that when the time is right- my new home will find me.

Until then, I am packing things up, cleaning up, and happily preparing to move on. I am ready to choose a new boundary- widening the scope and expanding my view. Time to let some new people, places and things into my life. Hold on Ellie- things are going to speed up pretty fast now.....Another exciting adventure awaits just around the bend....

What if there isn't?

It's a slump.
A dumpy slump I am in.
I'm stuck.
Restless.
Hopeless.

UGH.

To the outside world, I know I mostly come off as the optimistic princess of all situations. And yeah- it's true I am naturally a "half-full type.

But lately I am beginning to question things that I have always believed to be true....
Now before I go any further, let me say this: I get that this thing called life is like a big play- a personal production for each of us. I get that beliefs= illusion. I get that there is no one person will complete me or my life. I know that I iwll never find happiness outside of myself. I know that we come into this world alone, and we leave it as such. I know that we create relationships to better know who we are. I know that at the heart of every question, love is the answer.

All of that knowledge has still not blocked out the few tiny, fear-based thoughts I have been processing the last couple of weeks.

I say all the time, that there is a lid for every pot. I say it to other people, mostly to comfort them as well as myself. How do I know that is true? I certainly haven't met my lid yet. What if it never happens for me? And yet I still tell people not to give up, to continue to put yourself out there. That love will find you (and me). That we don't have to be alone. That we don't have to settle for relationships that do not fit who we are. What if some of us are only meant to be single for the rest of our lives???

I am in my thirties now, and wow. I got to say, the pressure is beginning to be felt. All of my friends are coupling off and having babies and making their own little countries of twos and threes... More and more I think, yeah- I want to build that with a partner! I would like ot share my life with someone. " But how? Where does a 30 something year old woman meet her lid? The bar scene is stale and very undesirable. All of my friends don't have any single guy friends they would fix me up with. I have had little luck with online dating. And don't even get me started on how challenging it is to date and be psychic....I feel like the odds are stacked against me. That my 40 extra pounds are keeping me from meeting "him". Yes- I admit it- there is a part of my brain that thinks that if my body looked differently, then the kind of man I would want to date, would be beating down the door to take me out.

But maybe not.

Maybe the extra weight I carry, my intuitive abilities, and my optimism are the things that will help me know the man when I see him. I don't know. I feel so damn stuck. Like my whole f'n life has been like "Ground Hog Day". Every day its the same thing. Get up. Go to work. Come home. Go to bed. I have spent so much time alone in my life, that I am bored of it. Stuck in this body that never feels like it will change no matter how many times I go running or carbs I avoid. Fuck it. Just fuck it.

I also know that I am in charge of my own life. I make things happen. I make it what I want to be (and somewhere a long the way I got the message that this was the life I wanted for myself...) But what if I continue to make shifts and choices and still nothing changes? What if I stay stuck for always? Working a job I am bored with, too scared and overwhelmed to live creatively? Never meeting a man I could really let myself open up to possibilities with???? That is a sad, scary thought.

Ugh......

Maybe I should just get over it and take myself to breakfast. It's just the PMS talking.....