Here is my schedule for the week:
9/23/10-5:45pm meet and greet cocktail party at the Casa de la Sirena (wedding site and villa couple's family has rented out)
Late night dinner at Burro Barracho
3/25/10- 5pm- when eva..... Bachelorette party at Burro Barracho for drinks, dinner, and dancing
3/26/10- 5:30pm wedding at sunset; reception to follow
3/27/10- Farewell Brunch at Mi Casa Su Casa
3/28/10-beach/pool/hammock time
3/29/10- see above
3/30/10- depart Mexico for LA; In-N-Out burger
3/31/10- early morning flight home to Portland; relaxation; napping, movies, cuddling with Ellie
I don't go back to work until Easter Sunday, and until then, I plan to lay low, relax, maybe see a movie, celebrate my brother's birthday.
Good plan!
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Little Epiphanies Everywhere
As an intuitive, I get information all of the time about people, the energy of buildings, people who have crossed over etc. It's a common misconception that because a person is psychic- they are able to see into their own lives and know exactly what is coming there way or how things will turn out. Sadly, it just doesn't work that way because my own emotional expectations and ties to situations and people can color information I "see".
But occasionally, a little morsel of insight will peek through clearly enough for me to see it. Today was one of those days.
There were little Epiphanies everywhere.
1.) Standing in line to pay for my Luna bar: I was thinking about the times in my life where I was really poor- so poor I didn't have two Chuck E. Cheese tokens to rub together. And yet, I would step forward into my day, in great faith, knowing that somehow I would be taken care of. And sure enough I would be. A reimbursement check would show up in my mailbox in the exact amount I needed to put gas in my car and buy some groceries. A friend would invite me over for dinner spontaneously. I find some money in the laundry. Or magically I would be able to create delicious meals from my pantry -(my cooking has always been self-labeled as experimental- traditional- bachelorette fare...). That is what I would call a small miracle. So what if I aimed to trust my faith on a bigger leap, as if all of the smaller miracles added up to big practice and proof ? What if I left my retail job to work for myself???!!!!! Hmmmmmm...
2.)thinking about the similarities between my brother and my relationship patterns, I suddenly became very aware of how he and I were programmed to be magnets for ill fitting relationships of one of the worst kind- unrequited love.
If they are not interested in me, I am definitely interested in them.
Emotionally unavailable? Even better.
Lacking self- confidence? That's my specialty.
Baggage still painfully and obviously unresolved from past relationship(s)? Yeah , Baby!
I will obsess, and pine and find a way to make it work, to consistantly attempt to awaken desire that has yet to be realized for me.
"Oh little, Paula. You know better. You advise people regularly on this situation. And yet, you have been so disconnected from your own behaviors, from this angle.
Stop. Drop Cupid's arrow, and run, don't walk into your therapist's office. Do not enter into a relationship until you are confident you will not relapse into choices leading to another unrequited love. I know, it's difficult when there hasn't been a model to follow in your family and you long to experience the joys and challenges being in a loving relationship brings.... Trust me when I say this is pattern worth breaking and you and your brother WILL do it. Don't look back and have gratitude for all you have learned. "
"Don't settle for a boyfriend- demand a MANfriend."
3.) driving home tonight: less resistance; more acceptance.
There is so much I resist in my head and heart at times. I resist the idea that I can be 50 lbs lighter because I have never been a size 8. I resist the idea that I am talented.I resist the idea a man could totally and completely love me for all that I am and want me. I resist my own great power. That is exhausting, not to mention futile.
Why not try accepting more?
Accept the me I am right now. Accept my behaviors and patterns. Accept where I came from. Accept my right to choose to change. Accept others, especially when they reject you. Accept your eccentricity and mild craziness.
After all, these are the things that make up who I am. The people in my life who love and adore me accept me just the way I am, why not me too?
"Look inside your heart and I'll look inside mine."
But occasionally, a little morsel of insight will peek through clearly enough for me to see it. Today was one of those days.
There were little Epiphanies everywhere.
1.) Standing in line to pay for my Luna bar: I was thinking about the times in my life where I was really poor- so poor I didn't have two Chuck E. Cheese tokens to rub together. And yet, I would step forward into my day, in great faith, knowing that somehow I would be taken care of. And sure enough I would be. A reimbursement check would show up in my mailbox in the exact amount I needed to put gas in my car and buy some groceries. A friend would invite me over for dinner spontaneously. I find some money in the laundry. Or magically I would be able to create delicious meals from my pantry -(my cooking has always been self-labeled as experimental- traditional- bachelorette fare...). That is what I would call a small miracle. So what if I aimed to trust my faith on a bigger leap, as if all of the smaller miracles added up to big practice and proof ? What if I left my retail job to work for myself???!!!!! Hmmmmmm...
2.)thinking about the similarities between my brother and my relationship patterns, I suddenly became very aware of how he and I were programmed to be magnets for ill fitting relationships of one of the worst kind- unrequited love.
If they are not interested in me, I am definitely interested in them.
Emotionally unavailable? Even better.
Lacking self- confidence? That's my specialty.
Baggage still painfully and obviously unresolved from past relationship(s)? Yeah , Baby!
I will obsess, and pine and find a way to make it work, to consistantly attempt to awaken desire that has yet to be realized for me.
"Oh little, Paula. You know better. You advise people regularly on this situation. And yet, you have been so disconnected from your own behaviors, from this angle.
Stop. Drop Cupid's arrow, and run, don't walk into your therapist's office. Do not enter into a relationship until you are confident you will not relapse into choices leading to another unrequited love. I know, it's difficult when there hasn't been a model to follow in your family and you long to experience the joys and challenges being in a loving relationship brings.... Trust me when I say this is pattern worth breaking and you and your brother WILL do it. Don't look back and have gratitude for all you have learned. "
"Don't settle for a boyfriend- demand a MANfriend."
3.) driving home tonight: less resistance; more acceptance.
There is so much I resist in my head and heart at times. I resist the idea that I can be 50 lbs lighter because I have never been a size 8. I resist the idea that I am talented.I resist the idea a man could totally and completely love me for all that I am and want me. I resist my own great power. That is exhausting, not to mention futile.
Why not try accepting more?
Accept the me I am right now. Accept my behaviors and patterns. Accept where I came from. Accept my right to choose to change. Accept others, especially when they reject you. Accept your eccentricity and mild craziness.
After all, these are the things that make up who I am. The people in my life who love and adore me accept me just the way I am, why not me too?
"Look inside your heart and I'll look inside mine."
Monday, March 15, 2010
it's my life
"this path, this road that is one perfect straight line even if it goes around the world through heat and fog and rain and snow and it's my life I keep thinking. It's my life." ~Deborah Keenan, from "Small History"
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Bring Me A HIgher Love, Please...
A little sugar in my bowl.
something sweet to sweep me off my feet.
An self- generated, expanded love that spills out from my heart space and meet's his in the middle.
A love that says " I like you just as you are, even when you are wearing THAT."
one that is intoxicating and sobering all at once.
A higher love that lifts and inspires, even when it is difficult.
I choose it.
Bring it on.
Think about it
there must be higher love
Down in the heart or hidden in the stars above.
Without it life is wasted time
Look inside your heart
I'll look inside mine.
Things look so bad everywhere in this whole world
what is fair?
We walk blind and we try to see
falling behind in what could be.
Bring me a higher love
bring me a higher love
Bring me a higher love -
where's that higher love I keep thinking of?
World's are turning and we're just hanging on
Facing our fear and standing out there alone.
A yearning
and it's real to me
There must be someone who's feeling for me.
Things look so bad everywhere in this whole world
what is fair?
We walk blind and we try to see
falling behind in what could be.
Bring me a higher love
bring me a higher love
Bring me a higher love - I could rise above on a higher love !
I will wait for it
I'm not too late for it.
Until then I'll sing my song to cheer the night along.
I could light the night up with my soul on fire
I could make the sun shine from pure desire.
Let me feel that love come over me
let me feel how strong it could be !
Bring me a higher love !
something sweet to sweep me off my feet.
An self- generated, expanded love that spills out from my heart space and meet's his in the middle.
A love that says " I like you just as you are, even when you are wearing THAT."
one that is intoxicating and sobering all at once.
A higher love that lifts and inspires, even when it is difficult.
I choose it.
Bring it on.
Think about it
there must be higher love
Down in the heart or hidden in the stars above.
Without it life is wasted time
Look inside your heart
I'll look inside mine.
Things look so bad everywhere in this whole world
what is fair?
We walk blind and we try to see
falling behind in what could be.
Bring me a higher love
bring me a higher love
Bring me a higher love -
where's that higher love I keep thinking of?
World's are turning and we're just hanging on
Facing our fear and standing out there alone.
A yearning
and it's real to me
There must be someone who's feeling for me.
Things look so bad everywhere in this whole world
what is fair?
We walk blind and we try to see
falling behind in what could be.
Bring me a higher love
bring me a higher love
Bring me a higher love - I could rise above on a higher love !
I will wait for it
I'm not too late for it.
Until then I'll sing my song to cheer the night along.
I could light the night up with my soul on fire
I could make the sun shine from pure desire.
Let me feel that love come over me
let me feel how strong it could be !
Bring me a higher love !
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
I couldn't tell ya where it went
My weekend that is....
Seems like I was just celebrating my Friday night and now I am headed to bed remembering that I have an early day tomorrow.
I'd like to start with a run and some yoga.
I'd like to make breakfast, but that will be hard because I neglected grocery shopping somehow amongst all of the errands I ran. Hmmph. Must remember to pick up a few things after work tomorrow.
Highlights included:
Walk/run with my BFF at Mt. Tabor park
breakfast at Helser's with my buddy Karin
shopping for babies
lunch solo at Pho'
therapy session with my awesome intuitive therapist
a clean apartment
re-watching " I heart Huckabees"
12 hours of sleep last night
working on on a self-portrait for therapy
Crossing things off my list feels good. For once, I actually got all done. It's because I am learning not to be unrealistic about what I can actually get done in the amount of time I have to do it. And that feels good.
Ellie is getting restless. I am getting sleepy. Of to Dreamland now...
Seems like I was just celebrating my Friday night and now I am headed to bed remembering that I have an early day tomorrow.
I'd like to start with a run and some yoga.
I'd like to make breakfast, but that will be hard because I neglected grocery shopping somehow amongst all of the errands I ran. Hmmph. Must remember to pick up a few things after work tomorrow.
Highlights included:
Walk/run with my BFF at Mt. Tabor park
breakfast at Helser's with my buddy Karin
shopping for babies
lunch solo at Pho'
therapy session with my awesome intuitive therapist
a clean apartment
re-watching " I heart Huckabees"
12 hours of sleep last night
working on on a self-portrait for therapy
Crossing things off my list feels good. For once, I actually got all done. It's because I am learning not to be unrealistic about what I can actually get done in the amount of time I have to do it. And that feels good.
Ellie is getting restless. I am getting sleepy. Of to Dreamland now...
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Real Women Have Curves
I love America Ferrara.
Brave and real.
Yes, women are beautiful in all shapes and sizes.
Watch this link on you tube:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JLeZ17B8o9k
Brave and real.
Yes, women are beautiful in all shapes and sizes.
Watch this link on you tube:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JLeZ17B8o9k
Saturday, March 6, 2010
One Woman Show
*Taps mic*
"Is this thing on? Hello ??!!".....
Sometimes I feel like I am talking to an empty room.
Or maybe it's an auditorium, but the stage lights prevent me from seeing who is creeping in to hear what i have to say in my one woman show.
I am, in the end, just myself.
I choose my choices.
I live this life.
I create the drama.
I manifest the happiness.
I cultivate the relationships.
I reap what I sew.
I sew sloppily.
I give it all I got.
I do the best I can.
I live with as much integrity as possible.
I stand for the freedom to be who you are- who I am.
I judge from my ego.
I let go when I think it no longer serves me.
I fuck things up sometimes.
I understand that I can't really fuck anything up because all happens as it needs to.
I am done choosing men who don't want the awesomeness that is me. If that can't see it, they don't deserve it,
I am worthy of all things beautiful and true.
How about you?
"Is this thing on? Hello ??!!".....
Sometimes I feel like I am talking to an empty room.
Or maybe it's an auditorium, but the stage lights prevent me from seeing who is creeping in to hear what i have to say in my one woman show.
I am, in the end, just myself.
I choose my choices.
I live this life.
I create the drama.
I manifest the happiness.
I cultivate the relationships.
I reap what I sew.
I sew sloppily.
I give it all I got.
I do the best I can.
I live with as much integrity as possible.
I stand for the freedom to be who you are- who I am.
I judge from my ego.
I let go when I think it no longer serves me.
I fuck things up sometimes.
I understand that I can't really fuck anything up because all happens as it needs to.
I am done choosing men who don't want the awesomeness that is me. If that can't see it, they don't deserve it,
I am worthy of all things beautiful and true.
How about you?
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