This one is for Mom

Look what I did!!!!



Mom, our coloring just got more similar.



Do I love it? Oh yes I do!! Why did I resist so long?
It's a whole new Paula. :)


Other stuff:

- Allergy meds finally kicked in today. I can be outside and breath. It is such a miracle.
-I started this thing called "Soul Coaching". Its a book a co-worker gave me, after she heard me talking about my 2010 Plan of Action. Its right in line with what i want for myself. Its digging deep to clean out the emotional clutter both in the head and mind as well as in the home. Its a 28 day program, working with the 4 different elements- Air, Water, Fire, Earth. Lots of journaling. Today- I cleaned out my car and detailed it. It feels sooooooo awesome to drive a clean car. I get so busy I forget how important that is to me. I have cleaned out my closet, given stuff away. I actually have an empty drawer in my dresser. And ya know what? I like it. Its a drawer for possibilities. I also took 5 minutes to tidy up the area in front of my house- the front flower bed. I raked up all the dead leaves and that feels nice too. Now i just need to get rid of the fire pit that isn't mine....

- I had to drive out to my chiropractor in Orenco Station and I took the very long way home, avoiding traffic on the freeway. I wound my way through old neighborhoods and streets. - places where I have lived or have a memory. The sun was shining and I even opened the sun roof. It turned out to be a really good day for a drive.

- I had 4 1/2 vials of blood drawn today. I had to fast too. Dr. B wants to retest all of my hormone levels and see how things might need to be adjusted. I feel stuck - like something needs to be tweaked. I also lost 12 lbs last month!!! Which may not seem like a lot for most people, but for me- thats huge! I can feel when my hormones turn sluggish. I am reminded that the work I am doing - lightening the load both physically and emotionally is happening. Tangible forward movement. Let's carry on with that, shall we?

- next Tuesday I am having my first therapy session in a couple of years. Part of becoming my smaller self means looking at the emotions that are connected. I feel like its at a cellular level. She is an intuitive therapist- which is what I have been looking for- someone who can help me with my own intuitive blocks as well as understand my particular gifts. That same day, I am having a hot stone massage by my friend Christina. She is soooo amazing. And she comes to my house to do it! How awesome is that? Massage is part of my body image work- allowing myself to be in my skin and experience it more joyously. It feels really divine.

All in all, I really feel like I am coming into my own- in ways that are quite unexpected and welcome.
And....well.... that's all I got right now. Time to do the dishes, dinner, and clean house for my client coming tomorrow. If I write anymore, I'll only perpetuate the procrastination. If I put on Bridget Jones Diary while I clean, I will be more concerned with Mr. Darcy than what needs to be done around here. Oh! Mr. Darcy!!!

nothing better than the real thing

allergies kicking my ass.
Stupid generic rite-aid zyrtec not working.
Going to go and get the real thing today.
Should never settle for less than the real thing, baby.

back to bed.....

like a sponge

"Sometimes, I want to relive the golden moments again- the ones we made together. But I find that anytime I allow my self to visit that space of remembrance too long, those moments begin to tarnish, and it only motivates me to be twice as determined to keep moving forward, and not looking back too long, at who I was when I was with you. Because when I look at it from where I am now- I was mostly miserable a lot of the time- because you are." - me on the subject of my first love

Residual grief for an ill fitting relationship is surprising in how it sometimes pops up. Just waves of emotions that wash over and leave me feeling bittersweet.

Maybe its because as I approach the the possibility- of a beginning in a brand new relationship- the tiny tinge of dormant sadness, is sometimes moved. By reminiscing, it bubbles up, making more frequent appearances. It feels as if the higher part of me is working at squeezing them out. Much like a sponge. All to make myself ready to absorb all the delightful stuff on its way to me now. There isn't room for the bittersweet with the new. I don't want a fresh start to be tainted by the lingering afterthoughts of my first love.
And so the process goes.
Every last drop- out.

*sigh*.

Hurry up already. I can't wait to begin something fresh and new.

What I am about

It's 6:30am.
My plan did not include being up until 7:30am, to go for a walk. But someone, someone like my dear sweet feline roomate, thought it would be a good idea to try and get me up at 5:30 am. Her plan back fired as I exhiled her to the living room and have tossed and turned for the last hour.....

Fine. I will write and empty my head.

Because that's one of the things I am about, in my 31st year- lightening the load. Saying how I feel , putting it out into the world, and surrendering to what ever shows up as a result.

Honesty. With myself first and foremost. And the rest? Well- you are free to do what you like with the info- it may or may not affect me. Its a free world afterall.

Today is a rather important day- I am allowing a seed of thought a friend put in my head a few months ago, to blossom. I am going to the darkside. Tired of being blonde all my life, I have decided to go deeper. See myself from another angle. Something like this:

That's the lovely Kate Beckinsale. I chose her because I have similar coloring with my hazel green eyes.
Part of my reason for choosing to go darker, is that I envision my smaller self having dark hair. I have some pounds to shed and for me- this is the starting place in the race against myself. I want to take the next year to actively shed the extra bits I don't want to be carrying around. With help of yoga, walking/running, Jillian Michaels- well I know its possible. Its not impossible.
Emotionally, I am getting ready to head back to therapy. I have the eating part down, and I know what I need to do to get active, and the emotional part about what the weight represents is equally important. My body is the weight it is now due to genetics and hormonal issues as well as the emotions that come from those issues. When you have been a little heavier than most of your peers since you were nine, you definitely have feelings about that.
Its difficult for us all to be who we are at times because we constantly compare who we are to what and who we se around us. The truth is I am never going to have Kate Beckinsales body. I am not that tall or shaped the way she is. I do suspect that underneath all of this lies a body more similar to Salma Hayak.



We are the same height, she and I, and share a top heavy silhouette with hips. I have to blaze the trail a bit here and also employ my imagination because no one in my family is small like me. Imagining can be tough because it requires vision and faith.

I am all about that too, this year. Creating an aligned vision for myself and having the faith that I can get there.

Now, if I could just get my cat to let me sleep through the night.....

Up Before Sunrise

And so it is. I left the house this morning while it was still dark, armed with the vocal stylings of Dj Quik, Lauren Hill and Nelly Furtado, just to name a few, my new pink and grey Nike's and the intention to see the sunrise.

I have to get moving.

My ovaries are demanding it. This PCOS thing bites, and though I have been living with it for the last 18 years, I have lately noticed a shift in their function. They get whiny and crampy mid-cycle. (Maybe that's too much info- I don't know. Although I don't see what the big deal is- they are just ovaries. I am a woman I have them. Just like I have arms and a spleen....)
I figure movement can't hurt. That perhaps it will lull them into a relaxed state much the same way some parents calm a baby by driving around the block at odd hours of the night to stop the crying and induce sleep and sanity.

It also couldn't hurt my heine much either. I mean let's be honest here- because thats the creed by which I live- and openly and lovingly acknowledge that my body has grown. Now true, once upon a time, I was 50lbs heavier than I am now and have managed not to go back there. But I have gotten close.

In the 2 years I have worked at Cedar Hills, which includes some pretty heavy life altering events such as: moving out on my own, managing a department at the 2nd largest store, paying off debts, medical ovary issues, and a nasty break-up. The stress of my job, my unhappiness in being there and not yet fully doing the work that makes my heart sing, the fatigue and lack of a relatable role model or motivation has equaled 20 lbs!!! Thats 10 lbs for each year. WTF, Paula???!!!

Now before I get all mean and knocking myself down, I realize in order to drop the heaviness I am carrying I must not add to it with harsh words. How about being kinder to myself? How about being that voice in my head that pushes me positively forward instead of negatively backward??

Yes I say!

I want to live the life I have always imagined.

I have always imagined that I would be one of those people who got up at the butt crack of dawn and walked/ran quietly with their thoughts- processing the movements of my life in whatever place I am at.

I want to know what it is I am carrying underneath all of this extra weight on my body. I know some of it works as a layer of insulation against getting hurt- no one can get close to me if I don't feel attractive enough to let them in. How can I be a good psychic if I am not allowing myself to be as clear a channel as possible? The weight serves as barbed wire. Imagine how much more clarity I might have if I was totally aligned? Imagine how light I would feel. Imagine how much more confident I would be. Imagine me being in the most amazing relationship of my life because I let down the guard. Imagine me leaving my job to do my work.....Imagine the evolution of my body and it's functions. Imagine my ovaries happy.

.

Title-less

Random Bits at 6:30 in the morn

Actually, I have been up since 4am. My sleeping is all messed up from being sick, and going back to my pre-Chrismas work schedule. Elly's movments on and off the bed keep me up. Normally she is the one who wakes me up just to be up. I woke her up this morning and she was happy to come back to bed and cuddle for a few minutes. Her purring was annoying me though, and I wasn't able to fall back asleep. So here I am thinking random bits of things like:

~I want to buy new workout shoes. The thought of getting up before sunrise to go for a walk/semi-run in my neighborhood is kind of appealing. I love watching the sunrise- though I have done it so rarely. But being up-m feeling my internal clock struggling to find the reset button has me wondering if it's changing because of my hormones/being in my 30's. Hmmm....

~the remains of my Christmas flu are few and lingering. It is in these wee hours of early morning that I can feel it attempt to take up residence in my chest. I have acupuncture and a visit with my ND today, so perhaps we can finish it off with a plan of final attack.

~working on designing a floating centerpiece for my wedding client's Mexico wedding. Research on the net is leaving me empty and much to be desired. Local florists are not keen on divulging secrets. The research continues....



~this song is stuck in my head, conjurring up memories of summer in my late tens/early 20's. ANd it makes my nostalgic for the series of "Sieze the Summer BBQ's " I hosted this past summer. I am looking forward to doing it again, and hopefully starting earlier- in June. Want to buy some more twinkle lights and furniture, and really spruce up the patio in preparation. Looking back, its an impressive commitment I followed through on - a BBQ a week from July - Labor Day. I loved never knowing who was going to show up from the random guest list. I think this next summer I'd like to open it up wider.

~I spotted this event yesterday


Elizabeth Gilbert

Picking up where her bestselling memoir Eat, Pray, Love left off, Elizabeth Gilbert's Committed (Viking) details the extraordinary circumstances that surround her love with Felipe, the man she swore never to marry. "Presented in the author's easy-going, conversational style, the material is intriguing and often insightful," says Kirkus Reviews. Please note: This ticketed event takes place at the Bagdad Theater, 3702 SE Hawthorne Blvd. Tickets, $27, include admission and a copy of Committed, and are available at the Bagdad Theater, the Crystal Ballroom, and Ticketmaster.
Preorder a signed edition of Committed: A Skeptic Makes Peace with Marriage.

Monday, January 25th @ 7pm Bagdad Theater
3702 SE Hawthorne Blvd. (503) 236-9234

and promptly planned for me and my BFF Shauna to attend. I loved Elizabeth Gilbert's book "Eat Love Pray". I am terribly excited to read her new book about marriage for a couple of reasons- one being that I work in the wedding industry and am an ordained minister and also because I really feel like marriage is up for serious and honest re-construction for so many people at this time. It's inner-workings and foundations are being re-built in a lot of different ways - especially for people in my generation. Also, being a Sagittarius, my sign is pegged for being commitment-phobic (which is not the exact case with me. My venus- or planet of relationships is in Scorpio, which means I actually deeply desire rooted, passionate commitment and am happiest when I am in love in a serious committed monogamous relationship.) and I am very interested to hear her take on the journey.

~I am super excited about meeting my SIGG bottle rep, Jed, for dinner tonight. He's in town from the Bay Area and he's calling on all of his Portland accounts. Since I am off on the days he's in town, he graciously offered to take me to dinner. I am eager to show him Nicholas and indulge in some really awesome Lebanese food. Falafel...Mmmmmm...

~want to make time to re-paint my toes sometime over the next week. The polish is sad and chippy.

~really want to clean out my car. Probably tomorrow.

~have a sewing project to complete that I will elaborate on later. And a couple more I am researching and hope to finish next month.

~want to check a few items off of my deep cleaning nooks and crannies list. Maybe some cupboard re-organizing. I don't know- it could get a little crazy.

~upload some new music to my ipod, like the above mentioned song as well as this other one I just remembered and have been meaning to upload for the last year:



~research books to read while in Mexico in March. So far I am recommitting myself to finish The Kite Runner ( had a hard time after a particularly disturbing event in the book), and want to to read Little, Big by John Crowely. I also am looking forward to the above mentioned " Committed" by Elizabeth Gilbert.

Ummm... wow. I carry a lot in my head. Which also prompts me to continue on with my "Morning Pages" based on the work of Julia Cameron and "Vein of Gold".