New Soul

I love this song! It's been running in my head fro the last 3 days!

It's about Forgiveness

So it has been a month (has it really been a month??!!) since I last posted. I have been working a lot on forgiveness. Dave and I have been in contact and it is necessary for me. It is part of the letting go, tying up loose ends, facing the last of the sadness and anger that have resided in my heart for far too long now. It's a kind of spiritual spring cleaning. I am very aware of the fact that my next relationship is on it's way, and in order for me to fully be engaged in it and open to receiving all of the good stuff coming - I need to clean out my heart and find the forgiveness inside it.
I know what most of you are thinking - how could you let him back into your life even for a minute after what he did to you? Yeah. I know. How could I? The truth of life is though, that whether we talk or don't talk, we are connected. All of us in this world are connected. He and I were connected for a long time, and now as we say the important pieces for each other and recognize and openly acknowledge our own parts in how our connection to each other failed, it is rather healing for us both.
Yes, without a doubt he is one of the most selfish, emotionally fucked up people I have ever met. And he is also a person here on this earth, working to figure himself out through the experiences he chooses. Just as I am doing, just as you are doing. We are not so different in that regard, you know.
Anger comes from fear. Fear that we weren't loved or appreciated. Fear that there isn't enough love for us. Fear that we are not worthy and therefore we look to see our own love in another eye's so that we may know it. Fear can move in and stay for as long as you lay out the welcome mat. I did that for 3 years.
Sadness comes from knowing the fear, and seeing where we allowed so much of who we are to be taken and given away. It comes from seeing those moments of pure love, known or unknown, and feeling that we will never get to experience that again. Which is a completely false idea. That is the great thing about our power to choose what want to experience in life. We choose what we think we are worth and then call in the " players" to help us act out that scene and realize the vision and the lessons that come with it. Everything is a choice- everything.
I choose to let go of the hurt, and the anger, and the sadness that have stayed with me for these many months. I choose to not let it make me hard and bitter. I choose, instead, for it to make me wiser, stronger, and truer. I choose to be open to my greatest good. I choose to be in love - with myself and my life. I choose to continue to call in fantastic, amazing people in my life to help illuminate the truth of all that I am in this world. I choose to wish Dave the absolute best and the hope that he will find the love for himself that has alluded him all of his life.
We are all here to help each other. Though the ways we help each other can be unpleasant and beyond challenging. It is all part of our story.
We are all worthy of the happiest of endings, no matter who we are, what we have done, or where we have been.
It's about forgiveness - for ourselves and each other. The world could use a little more of that, don't you agree? Why not start with a small, kind act for yourself?



I got the call today, I didn't wanna hear
But I knew that it would come
An old true friend of ours was talkin' on the phone
She said you found someone
And I thought of all the bad luck,
And the struggles we went through
And how I lost me and you lost you
What are these voices outside love's open door
Make us throw off our contentment
And beg for something more?

I'm learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

These times are so uncertain
There's a yearning undefined
...People filled with rage
We all need a little tenderness
How can love survive in such a graceless age
The trust and self-assurance that can lead to happiness
They're the very things we kill, I guess
Pride and competition cannot fill these empty arms
And the work I put between us,
Doesn't keep me warm

I'm learning to live without you now
But I miss you, Baby
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I figured out, I have to learn again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But everything changes
And my friends seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

There are people in your life who've come and gone
They let you down and hurt your pride
Better put it all behind you; life goes on
You keep carrin' that anger, it'll eat you inside

I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
Because the flesh will get weak
And the ashes will scatter
So I'm thinkin' about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

(I just checked my email and saw this had been sent to me today. Amazing how it coincides with what I am feeling today and wrote, isn't it? There are no accidents, clearly...)

http://www.soulfulliving.com/choosepeace.htm

Dead Dad Dinner

On this day, 4 years ago, my dad passed away of a heart attack. It was sudden and shocking. Rocked me to the core. Those of you who knew me before and after surely noticed the impact.

That's my dad, Ken. He was probably in his late twenties - my age actually- when this picture was taken. ( this is a picture of the picture taken with my cell phone- no scanner have I. The blue light is not in the original - interesting...) Actually, I think I took this picture of him. He is standing in my grandparent's back yard. He is smiling at me in the picture proudly. One of my first stumblings behind a camera. He spent a lot of his life behind a camera, documenting his life- the things he loved, the people he loved, the places he loved. He was teaching me to see the world in that way, and he was proud to see me do it. His smile says to me " Thats right - that's the way. You're doing it."
Tonight, Derrick and my dad's sister and our favorite auntie, Kyra, met up at Derrick's for our first " Dead Dad Dinner". We made a dinner of things my dad like, some of them things he made us eat trying to instill his love of them. That came later - (one being spinach, the other being roasted beets), Kyra made Grandma's macaroni & cheese, and delicious vanilla cupcakes. We had a bit of coconut ice cream with pineapple and raspberries. Over dinner we talked about dad, how difficult it was for each of us in our own ways to grow up in the family, and shared our triumphs in overcoming the challenges of such tumultuous upbringings and their after affects. We played "Boggle" - one of my dad's very favorite games we used to play with him.
It was a really great way to celebrate a person we loved, who was a smart man, where I get my love of entertaining from, who could be the biggest ass and a colossal tyrant. He affected us all in negative and positive ways. I really felt him tonight with us. I read a letter I wrote to him some months after he passed. I had written years ago, and put it away, never sharing with anyone until this last month reading it to Derrick and then again tonight to them both.
On the way home, I heard the song " American Pie" by Don Mclean. I turned the station right as he was singing " ...this will be the day I that I die."

He talks about how February makes him shiver...



Wednesday, May 5, 2004 8:04pm

"Dear Dad,
How do I tell you just how much I am going to miss you? You were instrumental in the shaping of my soul. I know you understood how much I loved you while you were here, because I feel it just as intensely how much you loved me, more than ever. I am grateful to you for each and every moment you were in my life. Though you sometimes seemed to demand the impossible from me. I have always been honest with you, and that will not change now. You were not perfect, actually you were rather difficult at times. And you were also funny, brilliant, creative, and loving. I understand you lived your life the best way you knew how. You were passionate about the things you believed in. There is a space in my heart where my love for you resides, and will not fade or wane. Daddy, we are all loved beyond our ability to comprehend. You feel it now. Why do we wait to tell the people we love how they have enriched our lives until after they have left us? Why wait?
Mother Teresa said " I have found the paradox that if I love until it hurts, then there is no hurt, only more love." I am hurting now, knowing you will not be here to to see me to someday marry. You will never know your future grandchildren. There will be no more silly emails or phone messages with your voice. I won't be able to call you and ask how to clean the burners on my stove, or how to fix the dome light in my car. There will be memories of moments in my childhood. Trips to Seattle, early morning train pictures, Sunday breakfasts with the Three Stooges, road trips to small almost nonexistent towns in Montana, the measuring of train depots. There will be pictures and songs and laughter as we remember the ways you infuriated us, inspired us, and loved us. Love. There is more than you ever thought there could be. It is the very thought that accompanies me to sleep each night, anticipating your visits in my dreams- " I love you Daddy" over and over I hear my heart speak those four words. As much as it hurts to know I cannot see you anymore, I feel even more love knowing I can FEEL you more than ever.
I HOPE YOUR PASSING WILL FURTHER INSPIRE THE PEOPLE WHOSE LIVES YOU HAVE TOUCHED. Will they wait to tell the people in their lives how much they care, or will they live every moment as if it is their last?
I will be ok. I will miss you immeasurably. I will think of you often. Every-time I hear a Rolling Stone's song, or the sound of a train's horn. Every-time my brothers and sisters smile at each other, I will see you."

The Upside of Anger

I have my Netflix randomly set up, so that I never know what's coming, I only know that something is coming.
Which is kind of how I like to live my life.
Today Netflix brought me " The Upside of Anger" (http://www.upsideofanger.com/). I had not a clue what the movie was about, which again is how I like it. I enjoy the surprise that is born of the unexpected turns in the plot. There is some good stuff in there.

I really loved this movie. I highly recommend it. It made me realize how amazing it is that one can spend so much time being angry over something that we think is the truth of the situation, when in fact it was something else altogether, that brought us an even more profound lesson.

"Anger & resentment can stop you in your tracks. That's what I know now. It needs nothing to burn but the air and life it swallows and smothers. Its real though- the fury. Even when it isn't. It can change you. Turn you. Mold you and shape you into someone you're not. The only upside to anger then, is the person you've become. Hopefully that someone wakes up one day and realizes they're not afraid of it's journey. Someone who knows that truth is, at best, a partially told story. That anger, like growth, comes in spurts and fits. And its wake leaves a new chance at acceptance. And the promise of calm."

Falling for Me

I am falling, deeply, madly , truly in love.
With myself.
Do you know how fabulous I am?
Of course you do!
I think for once I am completely embracing all of me- the flaws, the joys, the beauty, - the whole package.
"All you need lies within."
Because I am involved in a very exclusive relationship with myself - I have absolutely zero desire to go out and meet any guys. I am sure they are out there- I feel them looking at me and they see the light. And ya know what?
I am not ready to share it just yet.
I am really enjoying myself. Life is delicious.
I figure there is a man who is my equal out there, and if I met him tomorrow, I tell him he'd have to wait until I wanted it. I figure - if he really wanted the experience, he'll be there if that day ever comes. I have just got faith in the whole thing. I know what's out there and this is what I chose today.
And I am not about to jump into anything just because someone else wants me to.


When I hear the next song on the radio, I crank it up and sing at the top of my lungs! It's a love song to myself. "No one get get in the way of what I feel for you." If I had directed this video, I would have made it about a girl who falls in love with the person she sees in the mirror.


It is in the very beginning stages, this love affair of mine. Its a love that will withstand time and all of the good and bad life has to bring to me. It is the constant. It is what is real. It is what I am at my core.
Love. Love. Love.

Everything is gonna be alright.
I got my love to keep me warm.

Namaste and The Namesake

It was almost 3 weeks ago that my ex boyfriend wrote me. For the first time in a very long time, or so it seemed, I was not enraged at his attempt to cross my boundary. Now, I would be lying if I said that there is no anger, because there is. But it has certainly lessened in it's degree. Instead of ranting around my apartment, yelling " Who the fuck does he think he is! Motherfu...better STEP OFF!", I was calm. And I wrote for the first time in 3 months, a reply.
I let in him know he was no longer welcome in my life. I reminded him how that came to be, what his actions ought to be now where I am concerned, and what I wanted for myself. All without using the f-word a single time. That is progress.
He is a sad, lost, lonely little boy. My heart has compassion for him, because I often feel he will not find his way in this lifetime. Or maybe he will. Inshallah...
The last word I wrote in my final reply, was the word that appeared to me.
Namaste.
This is not a word I hear often, except for when I randomly do yoga. I felt compelled that night, that moment to end my letter with that word. I heard the door the door closing on that part of my life, as I typed it and clicked "send". Later, I looked the word up and smiled as I read the definition. Yes. That is it perfectly.
It can mean hello.
It can mean goodbye
"The gesture used when bowing in Namaste or gassho is the bringing of both hands together, palms touching, in front of the person—usually at the chest, or a higher level such as below the chin, below the nose, or above the head.
This gesture is a mudra, a well-recognized symbolic hand position in eastern religions. One hand represents the higher, spiritual nature, while the other represents the worldly self. By combining the two, the person making the gesture is attempting to rise above their differences with others, and connect themself to the person they bow to. The bow is symbolic of love and respect."

The following Monday evening, I found myself thinking again of this word, while en-route to my favorite Auntie's home. I was just pondering the word and it's many meanings and the profoundness of it's application. Shortly after I arrived at Kyra's, we were delving right into our organizing project when suddenly she said " Oh! Oh! I have some things for you!" She held out some bumper stickers and the one that immediately caught my attention was the purple sticker with the white text that read " Namaste."
The next day, I was further compelled by this word to put the sticker on my car. On that following Thursday morning, while going back to work( after my communication vacation), I got on the freeway and found myself in between a black porsche and a red porsche. I was also wearing a T-shirt that Kelly had brought me from Alaska with Simshan Indian art on it, featuring a salmon and an eagle, in red and black. My mom had told me, since she is knowledgeable about our Cherokee heritage, that the salmon symbolizes spirit, and the eagle knowledge. I was literally, I felt at that moment, sandwiched between spirit and knowledge in the form of porsches, driving along the road. The road of life.
A few days later, again on the way to work, I was cut off by one driver, another couldn't make up their mind about which lane they wanted to drive in , another was riding my ass as I brake checked her. All the while, I am cussing up a storm, remembering that I sit behind Namaste. I thought, "Can you say, Namaste MotherFucker!" Was I being a hypocrite? Or was it one of those paradoxes that could hold true? Could you wish someone well with the highest of intentions and be angry and annoyed with them all at once? I am still meditating on that.
Netflix brought me a movie called " The Namesake". It is directed by one of my favorite directors, Mira Nair. It's a beautiful story, and if you aren't interested in Indian culture, or have a connection to the death of your father, you may not find it as touching as I did. Or perhaps you will.
For me - it was incredibly healing. I cried the tears of grief remembered. February 10 will mark the 4th anniversary of my own father's passing. What made it even more incredible was the timing of this movie, me not knowing what it was about, and yes, I even heard the word namaste said in the background of the film.
Time does heal the hurt that loss inflicts. The loss of fathers, boyfriends once loved, and the parts of ourselves we gave away. Everywhere I go, everyday, and every moment, I am bowing in honor of those who cross my path. Pay no attention to the curse words murmured under my breath. Focus on the word.
Namaste.

Communication Vacation=Bliss

Oh dear friends & family
Can I just say thank you for supporting me on my little vacation from all modes of communication? I am not even sure I could express to you in words just how glorious it has felt to not be checking my phone, or feel obligated to reply to emails or interact with other human beings? It's bliss for me right now.
So what have I been doing?
Sleeping! I slept for 12 hours both on Sunday night and last night. I expect to do it again tomorrow. Nyquil has helped to send me to Sleepy Land as well as help my cold diminish. Also that whole Vick's vapo rub on the feet to stop coughing - AMAZING! I felt incredible the next morning. Like a lovely spa treatment...)
It has been awesome to not have plans, to have to be anywhere, do anything...I wake feeling so happy to just be. To breathe. To relax. T o lounge...
Netflix has been my crack these days. I have watched:
The Mummy
The Mummy Returns
Arrested Development Season 1( Hilarious! It's nice to see another dysfunctional family I can relate to. Or at least laugh at. )
Weeds Season 1 ( I loved this- I think it was my freind Luke who said the lead character reminds him of me- I can definately see that. Though I can't quite put my finger as to why. Maybe it's her frequent and creative uses of the F word. Oh and that Conrad - yuuummmmyyy.... I definitely would)
I have also logged in countless hours of watching the travel channel, food network, E!, Lifetime enjoying such popular favorites as :
The Barefoot Contessa - Ina both annoys and soothes me.
Paula Dean's Cooking show ( I swear this Paula is my alter ego - and who I will aspire to end up like when I reach her fabulous age.)
The Golden Girls - it never gets old
Anthony Bourdain's No Reservations
Rachel Ray's 30 Minute Meals ( SHe annoys the crap out of me, but I hate to admit she sometimes has some good ideas. That's currently what's on the tube as I write this.)
I made a trip out to the store yesterday, before I began my period of chosen confinement. I needed food to get me through 3 days without having to leave the house. I wanted to shop like a civilian, so I went to Trader Joes.
Tonight, being rather inspired by watching other people cook, I decided to make a Chicken Creamy Pesto.
Mmmmm... it smells good. Without a food processor, my pesto is a bit more rustic. Chopped basil, 3 cloves of garlic, 1 cup parmesan cheese, olive oil, chopped spinach, heavy cream, salt and pepper, and a few chopped cherry tomatoes. Saute over medium, add chopped herbed chicken breast and bring to a simmer. Boil some water and add quinoa pasta. Voila! A delicious dinner for one. And enough left for lunch for tomorrow and Thursday.
I have been in my new pajama pants for the last 24 hours. Wearing my SPice girls t-shirt. Hair up in bun. Not giving a flying f*#ck about much of anything. ( Kyra - would you believe they fit perfectly? I have never been in a small before. Hmmm.. though after the pesto I may not be able to wear them for a while! LOL)
I painted my nails.
I am sorting and organizing through my desk/armoire.
I made a New Years collage.
I plan to end the evening with a bath- lavender and eucalyptus scented. Change pajamas. Read. Find a cookie recipe to make for girls night. Yes, I am even feeling like making cookies. Unbelievable I know.
I feel soooooo much better in just a short time. Though truthfully, I could spend a whole week like this. I am in a state of relaxed bliss. And it's fabulous! I am thinking about making this a once a month thing. And perhaps turning into a spa time long weekend. It's nice I have the brain space and the time to contemplate such a plan!