No One Said It would be Easy...

It's been tough my friends. I have been a bit sad this last week.
I don't like to admit it- but the truth is...
I miss him.
You don't spend three years with the person who is your first love & best friend and just turn off the feelings. Even when that person betrays you and breaks your heart.
Believe me when I say I was angry that I still have feelings for him. How can I miss a person who hurt me so badly? I am remembering all of the good we shared, while not forgetting the bad. The stuff that was lacking...
It's nice to know, thanks to both my doctor & my therapist, a couple of things-
1.) What I am feeling is totally normal- the mourning of something so significant in my life. The loss of a relationship that was so much a part of my life for 3 years
2.) that it it will pass
3. )that when I am in a new relationship, there will be old feelings that come up that I will need to share and deal with, with the new guy's love and understanding
4.) The lessons, choices, and events that occurred go so much deeper than being solely about Dave and his betrayal - it's stuff from my childhood, parent's, my loss of connection to spirit, my fear around my intuitive abilities and a bit of past life stuff all thrown into the blender in my heart, which seems to be set on puree this past year...
5.) That there is good stuff to be gotten out of all of the hurt, and pain I have felt. That I am so strong for coming through it and that I will make it to the other side of it all
6.) I never knew it was ok to chose to be with a man who could meet my emotional needs, let me lean on him and allow someone to sometimes take care of me. I have, from the time of my infancy it feels, felt I could only depend on me- not my parent's, not my friends, not anyone - just me. Or at least that was I felt to be true. And so I have chosen men up to this point, who have echoed the themes of abandonment and emotional unavailability that I had in the relationship with my own father.

I know.
It's heavy stuff, isn't it?
But no one said this life would be easy.
No one said it would be roses and sunshine and cupcakes all of the time.
No, my friends, indeed not.
Those things come with thorns, sunburns, and lots of delicious carbs.