www.lindabellydance.com
I am panicked.
Signing up for Belly Dance class means that I am going to be dancing. In front of other people- strangers. And the focus will be on a body part of mine that I have a huge vulnerability around.
My little belly.
Ugh.
"Be Kind, Paula. Be kind. "
www.bellydancingdiva.com
My belly bothers me because it does not look the way I would like it to. I would like it to be firm, toned, and less, yes- I will say it- muffin top-y. Or perhaps I should call it my cupcake top? Ha ha ha... that seems a bit kinder and light hearted. And uber appropriate, dontcha think?
http://28.media.tumblr.com
The lady above sort of mesmerizes me. I identify with her body type and find her beautiful. She is round and luscious. That is sexy too. I wonder if this is the route my body would be happiest heading towards? Hmmm...
I focus on this aspect of my physical appearance with a negative vengeance every day. How can I hide it? Ignore it? Shame myself for having it? Lately, I am working on kindness, and simultaneously doing things to engage it, nurture it, fuel it, and appreciate it.
The belly is the space where our 3rd chakra lives. It is the chakra of personal power, intuition and forward movement and ambition. It is what drives our "gut feeling". I find it interesting that I am afraid of, ashamed of, and evasive when it comes to my own belly gut chakra. Sure, I am a powerful presence, and the truth is- I am still hiding out from the power inside me. What I share and project in the world, isn't even all of what I know I am capable and in possession of. I am deeply aware that I hold myself back.
While Belly Dance Class is part of March's Dare To Bare, (class starts on Weds Feb 29- oooohh Leap Year!) the attention to my core- my belly- is part of February's dare too. I am going snowboarding for the first time, next Saturday. I have been at the gym last week and this week-stepping up my cardio, attending yoga, and working up the courage to do some strength training as well. ( I confess I feel like such an idiot when using the weights. I have no clue what I am doing. I secretly think that everyone is watching me and thinking, " She is doing it wrong and she looks stupid. What a fraud." Oh wait that is The Voice talking. That isn't me. Note to self: be sure to flex my middle finger to it the next time that happens.) I have also been giving my belly some love, though I don't want to. I know I need these core muscles in snowboarding. Part of my fear is around the idea that I don't have any muscles there to support me, so I'll just be a failure. Everyone will laugh, and I will be sad inside. Wop, wop, wop. The Voice says " Plump girls can't snowboard!"
Fuck you, Voice. I will snowboard, and I will have an Epic Time learning how my body can do such a thing (albeit it is likely not well on the first couple of tries.) I will prove you wrong, Asshole. Yep.
Gonna face that fear and meet that mountain. (Hello Mountain! My name is Paula, it is a pleasure to meet you! Wanna play?)
You should try out some of the free videos on Sparkpeople.com, I use that site, and the fitness coach is awesome. She is fit but not in the "eww there are muscles there?" ripped way, and she talks you through the exercises without making you feel stupid, and offers ways to make each one easier or harder depending on your needs. And the best part is you can learn how to do the exercises at home by yourself in front of the computer, before hitting the gym where all the gymbunnies go to show off how cute their new workout clothes are for the guys and then congregate to talk bad about the "unfit" people to make themselves feel superior... can you tell I hate gyms? =) I keep thinking I want to join a belly dancing class, but I jiggle too much still to be comfortable with it yet. Yes, I know, thats part of the traditional belly dancer look. Hello, its called "belly" dancing, not "6 pack" dancing, hehe. =) Way to go Paula! I can't wait to read the update on how it went! =)
ReplyDeleteBelly Dancer costumes have maximum sexotic impact! I love all the jiggles.
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