To Cause into Being

This is a picture of the loft studio, at the Magic Cottage. It looks quaint upon first glance....

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Today, I was a glow with the fire in my belly to make things. I came upstairs, got as far as locating my watercolor paper, and paints, but was soon distracted by the chaos around me.
As one gets closer to the heart of it, one realizes that it is in a serious state of disarray..



Open up the closet door, and the world of creative supplies in all of its state, screams out what is really happening.



Well... that's not obvious or anything...
My creativity is blocked.
Some of you who have been to visit, don't believe me when I say my home is messy at times. Oh yes. It is. I work hard at cleaning up after myself. Some spaces more than others...And that is interesting to me because I see my home as an extension of myself. Each room has a special purpose and correlates to an aspect of myself.

The living room- where entertainment and gathering happen.
the kitchen- where I nourish myself
the bathroom- where I cleanse and tend to my health
the hallway- the gateway between the everyday and the more ethereal (the office and the bedroom)
the office- where I hold space for intuitive readings and consultations (and do laundry...hee hee)
the bedroom - where I rest
and the loft- where I create

I assure you that all of the other spaces are quite tidy compared to this one. Why is the space I have designated for myself to create, in such shambles? Clearly creating is not a high priority. Thats a sad thing to admit, because I was painting long before I could read and write. It is a key aspect of who I am. It is one of the vehicles with which I channel my internal fire.

Where the f is my masking tape??!!! My exacto knife???
n there... somewhere....

Ugh.



The internal struggle against creativity and chaos is re-awkened. Do I spend all of my time organizing THAT mess or do I crank out a painting that is dying to be born??!!!

You know me- I am a compromise girl. So I am going to try a little bit of both. Small steps.

I sometimes forget that one of the things that I am, is an artist. My jr. year in high school, I was trying to figure out what I wanted to be when I grow up. I was considering collages. If I had been more intent, I would have worked at attending the Maryland Institute Collage of Art (http://www.mica.edu).
They sent me an application and along with it an informational brochure. I kept the cover of the brochure because it struck me so true. I have gave it away once. On a lower level, I felt that it was a lie I kept telling myself. This piece of paper came back to me. The words remind me of the part of me that always felt so natural.

"You do not decide to become an artist; it is what you are. You feel a passion to create, a belief in what you have to say, a need to express that belief to others, a desire to communicate visually."

I was too scared to apply myself. I also was overwhelmed by the sheer pressure of having to decide right then what direction I wanted to take my life in. Collage didn't feel like the place for me. It still doesn't. But, I admit, going for the sake of learning; just to feel that place, the sights, the sounds and the results of the exposure- that does appeal.

My eyes fell on those words today, as I was rearranging my inspiration board (my baby step in reigning in the chaos today). I have carried these words around for the last 15 years, and how often have I claimed them with fierceness? Not recently, thats for certain. Somewhwere my creative fire got squelched.

If I am sloughing off layers, its apparent to me, that another thing coming into view is my lost ability to create art. The smell of turpentine. Paint in my nail beds. Paint brushes stuck up in my hair. The back and forth that happens between brain, hands and canvas. The satisfied heart at the completion of a vision brought to reality....*sigh* I miss those things deeply.

I used to know how to stretch canvas.
Now, I am not sure I would even know what kind of wood to ask for at the hardware store. Actually, I know wouldn't.

My best friend reminded me once, that the definition of the word " create" is " to cause into being".

Don't you love that?

Can you see a million possibilities taking shape in the seconds you process the words??

I want to be seduced by the mediums and get knocked up with artistic vision.
I want to give birth to something made up in my heart and soul that begs to be brought into the light.

Ahhh...
But then that is where the apprehension creeps in...

illuminating places and things so very dear to us, can be frightening.

Especially if its been a while.
But writing is not enough to quench my thirst for creative expression. I want more.

My brushes have been pining away for me. My paints want to be used up. And I feel the need to connect and process in a way that is familiar, but also re-invented. I want to finish these words, documenting for posterity. Possibilities of creation and organization await.

And so does that supply closet.....