Choosing Love

I am a child of fire.
It is my natural inclination to light up like a firecracker when I react both positively and negatively to situations. I light quickly, with a wondrous display of colorful emotions, which fizzle out, shortly thereafter, to make room for something else.

Today is one such day where I felt myself get fired up over a reaction to news of importance. My landlady has put the property up for sale. She did this without telling me. I found out when a friend came across the listing and sent it to me.

Instantly I was triggered back to a state of panic. Only a year ago, I was in the same boat while living in my tiny 300 sq. foot mother-in-law apartment. The landlords divorced, sold the house, and I was evicted. I put everything in storage for 8 weeks and lived on my brother's couch simultaneously casting out my net for the next perfect home.

Just as I was ready to give up, I found the Magic Cottage. This is a home born of magical intention and faith. I put it out there, and it came to me. I love it here. Everyday I wake up and cannot believe my luck- I get to live my life here!!!! I have zero desire to leave. In an instant, fear found my vulnerability and worked immediately to set up for the worst possibility: I would be asked to leave my home. Just when I had begun to feel settled and more rooted than I ever had in my life. Fear gripped me and made me see a possibility of that changing in the worst imagined way.

Its interesting, that within a year, a nearly identical situation as arisen again. Co-incidence? Hmmmm.... I don't know the facts around this situation yet, as my landlady has yet to return my inquiry. But the fact that this smacks of familiarity does not escape notice. I am fully aware that I helped to bring this about, on some level or another.

As I was in my panicked state, my old way of coping under duress was triggered. I wanted to eat something sweet to soothe my frazzled self. That part of me craved nothing more than to be left alone with a pint of Ben and Jerry's. What is wonderful to acknowledge for once, is that the dominant part of me wanted to instead go for a run and to write. So I started with a good run, exercising out the stress demons. Somewhere around the 2 mile mark, I had a bolt of enlightenment strike me. What was highlighted was this: as I wake up to what lies beneath the layers I am letting go of, repressed feelings are surfacing. I knew on a level this would happen. One doesn't let go of any thing heavy without seeing what was being covered by it. Standing in it as it is occurring and anticipating it are completely opposite happenings. When I run, I make a conscious effort to name the things I am letting of in those moments.

Today's Special:
Fear.
discouragement.
anger.
frustration.

These are feelings- colors of reactions, but they are not rooted in truth. These feelings are the process of coming around to seeing what is. This is my fire, burning hot and wildly, scared to a point of temporary consumption. I am well aware that a large part of my own personal work in this life, is to shift into a more solid and grounded flow. To give boundaries to my fire, and to also not be put out by the flux of my emotions. Perhaps this is coming around again so that I may take a more conscious stance than before (even though I was pretty awake for that transition, maybe I could be even more so this time). I can choose to be unshakable. I can choose to be in the love of this moment, not giving power to what fear may drive. Somewhere between being firmly rooted in the ground and going with the flow is where my aim is now. Already the way I am processing this news is shifting away from the past behavior. That deserves a high five!


Choosing love over fear, especially in the moments where we loose our footing, is not the first choice so easily seen. It requires a pause. To take in a few breaths, allowing for connection to what is stable and true.

What is true for me right now, is that I am falling more deeply in love with myself than I ever thought possible. As I let go of the layers, and strip down to my essence- I am blown away by what is there. I cherish it, I adore it. I am proud of it. I see her, though most days I don't take the time to look, in my eyes. Standing in the bathroom, after a shower, towel wrapped around me, my hair wet and smelling of exotic shampoo. The mirror reflects back in my hazel eyes with the forest green ring. She is teeny tiny, in size. She is mighty in her power. She smiles back at me. Shining, laughing, smoldering with the purest love. "Here you are.", she says. "Aren't you beautiful?" And I cannot help but fall deeply, madly, truly. Again.

I am enchanted by my life and made humble by the constant show of support by the Universe and those in it. I have discovered a hunger in me that demands to be fed by expression. I share who I am with those who want to connect to with my words. Being so transparent keeps me accountable. I put myself out there to shine. It allows me a freedom to be me. It shows me to myself and the world inside my head. It shows the beauty of my core, and how precious that is.

As I shift into the tomorrows a little more uncertain than I was yesterday, it will be important to remember that this is all part of what I asked for. I asked to let go of the things that no longer serve me, therefore making room for freshness. Heart is where the home is, and the Magic Cottage is there.

"It can be so bold and so cavalier
To reach out to the fire her souls sending here
It can be like death that blows like a breeze
Making all ones strength go weak at the knees
I hate to feel the shallow ground giving way
Ive never let myself fall this much astray
And feeding on her touch is all one does to survive

She said show me the world that's inside your head,
Show me the world that you see yourself, you could use Some help
Cause sometimes it comes with a shove, when you fall in love"
~Angels & Airwaves "Shove"