Pictures Worth Thousands of Words

A week ago, I pulled down a box of pictures. Spontaneously, I selected pictures spanning my life. I was looking for something:
the place where I lost the love for my body
the magic and awe of being a child
light
the parts of myself I inherited from my parents
the parts I created from scratch

The following is a portion of those pictures. (Thank you to my brother Derrick, for helping me with this post by scanning all of these, uploading them onto his MAC, and allowing me to blog in the comfort of his home. You rock, DROCK. I love, appreciate, and adore you. Thanks!)


My parents, circa 1977. It is so odd to see them together- they spent more time apart. They were opposites and understood each other, and I would wager, themselves, very little at that time in their lives. Dad was 26, and Mom was 20- 21ish. So young...


And this is me- freshly born. November 30th, 1978, 1:14pm. i was born a few blocks form our house in North Portland, at what was then called Bess Kaisor Hospital, and is now Addias Headquarters. How times change. Look at that baby- so sweet and innocent. A little bundle of love. Isn't it crazy think this is how we come into the world? its a strange concept for me to realize that that is me. I was once that tiny- 5lbs and 6oz. Incidentally, my name means small. Ha.


are you looking at my bum? you Cheeky Monkey, you! 7months old and I knew how to work the camera...


Purple has always been my color. My Grandma Pauline made that outfit for me. I have it still- she gave me all of the clothes she made me, shortly before she passed away. I am also wearing my Winnie The Pooh galoshes. We were ill-prepared for Winter, as my family are not keen outdoor folk.


Another dress my grandma made me, on the front steps of my grandparent's house, in North Portland. I was probably pissed off at my dad in this picture. He was most likely giving me instruction on how I should stand or pose. My independent streak showed itself quite early on.


This picture was taken in Seattle, on a ferry. Dad had us take the train up- he, his then girlfriend, Betty and myself. I think we went to Bremerton. I hated taking the train- except for the bathrooms and the water fountain. They both seemed like the most amazing places to the 3 year old version of me. I hate those shoes too. Dad bought them for me, because they were cheap. Bless his heart for not understanding the importance of shoe color to his daughter. He was doing the best he knew how.


Dad was really good at capturing real life moments. Check me out- snotty nose and all. It's true, I was lit from within. Still am, it's just so raw and innocent here. I am grateful for the ways both of my parents documented the everyday-ness of being me.


Here I am being totally myself. Such a lady! I love the band-aid- it shows me that I was rough-n-tumble, despite my pretty dress and lady-like pose. I was the only girl grandchild for 10 years, and so I learned to love having tea parties with imaginary friends. I have this dress as well. This photograph is hands down, my favorite of that era. It actually hangs in my home as a reminder of who I really am.


The story behind this pic: It was hot. I wanted to swim in the pool. So my grandmother reluctantly set it up for me. They (dad, grandparents, uncle Spencer) were all so worried bout me getting sunburnt. I just wanted to swim, yo! I didn't have a swimming suit at dad's house (not outdoor people, remember?) So they put me in shorts or pants and a button up shirt. Part of me resented that, and yet- I was swimming in the damn pool. I got what I wanted, sort of.


Me and Derrick at our Grandparent's house for dinner. It seems like there was always watermelon on the table. Obviously, this was Summer. Look at how naturally I bare my mid-drift- it seems shocking to me. Who is that girl who prances around, happy in her skin, not understanding how vulnerable that would make her feel 25 years later?


Here I am a little older and wiser- 6 or 7. At my grandparent's house. That tricycle was 20 years old. I love this shot for many reasons- mostly because it shows how bad ass I was even then. Look at me rockin those stripes! And red and yellow?!! it's crazy, and yet- it works. Those shoes were well worn. I love the flip, sassy look on my face and especially the fact that I completed that amazing ensemble with my favorite purple purse. Wow.


Who is that girl in the blue bikini? I hardly recognize myself. It is the only time in my life I have ever worn a bikini. I was fierce and unafraid. Completely without shame or conscious that my body was anything other that good. I miss that feeling of comfort in my skin. That was me at 9. It was a year or so later, that my hormones began to kick in and I began to see my body' s shape change.


We are deep into the 80's here. This is at the Heine Family Reunion, held every summer then, at Columbia Park. Check me out! Those legs! The jellies! The hair! I remember thinking that I was trying to look fashionable. The 80's happened to us all, who were there to live it.


Notice that I am wearing a swimsuit (which was purchased at Kmart. Love the fluorescent colors!) Derrick and I are on the patio of our Hillsboro townhouse, where we lived with my mom, our step-dad Greg, and eventually, our half-brother Justin. The boy in the middle is Danny Starns- he lived in the apartment complex too , and he and Derrick played together a lot until he moved, I think.


Derrick and me again at our grandparent's. That doll was a fake Cabbage Patch doll. My dad's side of the family was too cheap to buy me a real one ( I had two at my mom's house). Despite the fact that it wasn't authentic, I loved this doll completely. I named her Jenny. At my dad's house, she was another member of the family. She went on trips, sat at the table for meals, and was with me at all times. I still have her too. My grandmother Pauline was a gifted seamstress, and even now, I can feel how much love she put into creating her for me. It must have given her great satisfaction to see her so beloved by me.


Christmases were always split between Mom and Dad's house. This was Christmas eve circa 1985 or 86. I was feeing quite princess-y in that dress (which of course I also still have) that Grandma Pauline had made me. Christmas, though, for the most part, was kind of a miserable affair, in that the frustration of the shuffling between parents brought up my father's anger at my mom. There was always an underlying unhappiness and family drama on those days.


I like to compare this group shot of me and my brothers to the ones we took last spring. See how many things are different and how many are the same.? What the hell was going on with my hair? I must have run out of hairspray or something that day, because they weren't big enough for the 90's. Derrick I know will say something about how his hair is and how he hated the feathered look. And Justin- always being a smart ass for the camera. I love those boys.


Uh.. yeah.. I fell victim to fashion of the 90's as well. Pirate blouse- check. Print vest- check. Scrunchie- check. This is my 15th birthday, and that used to be my favorite kind of cake. Baskin Robbin's ice cream cake- chocolate with Jamocha Almond fudge. Can you believe how fat I thought I was then? I was blossoming into my womanhood, and already berating myself for the many ways I felt different. What's that you say? oh yeah right- that's every teenage girl ever born.


This was the summer before Senior year. That is Danika, my best friend from the 7th grade. We have lost touch over the years, and looking at this picture makes me miss the laughs we shared. My god we could really get going. That is my dad's youngest brother, Spencer in the white tshirt. His sister, Kyra, took this picture. That's her former step-son, Eli in the navy blue. We were in Florence for the day. Danika and I had driven down to Cottage Grove to visit my aunt for a week in August. We all then decided to go to the beach for a day, to paint, to hang out and have some fun. it was the hottest day on record. The sand away from the water reached temperatures of the high 80's and it was actually 101 degrees outside. When I look at myself in this picture, I can't stop looking at my legs- they are kind of sexy. Curvy and wonderful. I had no idea. I was constantly comapring myself to Danika and every other female on the planet. I wasn't able to appreciate my shape.


One of my Senior pics. My mom actually took them, at her mother's house. I look so 90's. I was trying to achieve a serious look in this shot, trying to nail down the wisdom I possessed and would gain in the coming year. I was 2 months away from my 18th birthday, and I couldn't wait to be done with high school.


the year after graduating high school, my brother, his two closet childhood friends, our cousin's and my best friend from high school, Malinda, spent a lot of time at Malinda's parents house in Aloha. This was right before Malinda, CJ, and i moved out on our own for the first time. That was such a crazy good time. Change happened quickly then.


Both Derrick and I were at our heaviest in this picture. This was about 2002 or 2003. We had driven down for the weekend to visit Grandma Peggy, in Medford. We had made a day trip to Crater Lake and Ashland that day. This picture was taken by grandma in Lithia Park. I weighed 220 LBS. I am not sure what Derrick weighed, but I do know to date, he has lost over 150 lbs. He is barely recognizable. I was the most miserable I have ever been in this photo. That was such a depressing time in my life.


my 25th birthday. This was a martini crawl I had planned in NW Portland. This was somewhere in the middle. That's Athena, and Katie. That night ended with me humping a tree at 2am, somewhere downtown. Athena has pictures to prove it....


This is such a wonderful picture of me and my little bro-bro, justin. I was 25 and he was 17 or 18. it was a hot, June day in North Carolina. We were in in Atlantic beach. I had flown out to visit Justin, my mom, and her third husband for the week. Justin and I bonded in a way we hadn't ever done before (Bojangles!!) and kept each other sane. I love how my shortness is so obvious next to Justin's height. I love my lil bro-bro! He has grown up into such a good guy.


July 2004- a few months after my dad had died. it was Treasa's wedding weekend. her best friend Sonja had planned the bachelorette. I do believe we had a good time that night! I had spray-tanned for the first time ever because I was a bridesmaid as well as the coordinator. That was a fun, hot, intense weekend! Whoo hoo!


Derrick and I posed for this Christmas photo for our mom, in 2007 or 2008. We are still close, even though we no longer live together at this point, and don't hang out as often. After spending most of our lives together- few words need to be spoken. We just get it. Especially when we are being goofy and creatively collaborating.

Since then, all of my pics are digital and can be found mostly on Facebook. It is interesting to watch my evolution- I thin it speaks about where I am destined to go, as well thousands of words I simply cannot speak.

To thyne own self be true. We must hold onto the parts of ourselves that make up the truth of who we are, and let ourselves be guided by that innate beauty, love and light.

Snotty noses, stripes, bad hair and all.