Easy Lover

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Yesterday morning, as I was standing in my bathroom, carefully applying a coat of mascara to my lashes,I received a text message. It was from my new friend/co-workers, L.
It read, " I love you Cupcake!" (Cupcake is my nickname, and what my name tag reads at work)
I immediately, without hesitation, replied back with " I love you, L.!"

The wonder and beauty of that exchange sank in.

How is it, that a person I have known less than 6 months, can so easily pronounce love for me? No guards up. No pretension. No test needed to deem myself worthy- just complete acceptance, authenticity, joy and love. This beautiful woman has a radiance about her- a light so bright that I knew instantly I wanted this person to be in my life when I first encountered her. I connect to that light, because it reflects back who I am. I can't wait to know her better, to know myself better and see what fun we can have together.

Later that day at work, I had hit a brick wall, energetically and mentally. I have been on a cleanse (which is a whole other post!) and I had hit my brick wall at day 5. I was literally quite retarded. My brain was not firing in a way that was making sense to even me. I was on shut down mode. Just as I was preparing to leave my shift early, I stopped to say "hello" to another new friend/co-worker, A. We made eye contact and smiled and without hesitation we crossed the distance between us and hugged fiercely.

" I love you. " A., said into my ear.
"I love you!" I quickly replied back.

Once again, I was struck with how easily I felt this connection of love flow between myself and another human being. How real and true it feels to love so openly. Here, like my new budding friendship with L., was another kindred connection that is based on the attraction of the light and love we see innately existing in one another. Again, I am presented with a new friendship with so much possibility/creativity/adventure. How is this possible??!!!

As usual, my mind began to wonder off to that place where I contemplate the big questions in life.

Q: Loving another person is so easy- why do we make it hard?

For years, in the relationship with my First Love, D., we had danced around declarations of love, though we did obviously love each other. In hind sight, I see it was because we were both closed-hearted, emotionally disabled, and petrified at being vulnerable enough to let another in to possibly abuse the truth of who we each were. Each of us came to the relationship table with gaping wounds and we were afraid saying " I love you" would put salt in that gash.
Whoa. That's heavy, right?

Q: Why is there such a stigma attached to saying the three words that communicate that emotion through language?

Could it be that we do not feel worthy of being loved so deeply, so purely, so adventurously? I suspect, for most human beings, this is indeed the case. There is so much we are afraid of, that we forget how easy love is.

Q: How do we as humans, communicate love without language?

I thought of my cat, and at the risk of sounding like a crazy cat lady, I flash backed to when I am snoogling with her. Ellie never opens her mouth and says " I love you", and yet, I never question whether or not she cares deeply for me. I don't have to because I can feel her endless love for me.
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Ellie likes to lay right on my chest, over my heart. My lady humps don't always appreciate this. While I am uncomfortable with her balancing on my sternum- she is blissfully purring away and gazing adoringly at me.I look past the discomfort, and I imagine that our hearts are connecting. Perhaps what is happening in those moments is the light that lives inside my heart links up with her heart's light and together we make more love.

I think this is what happens when we hug people too.
Or when we are making love/having amazing toe-curling sex with a person.


One of my own deeply held beliefs, is that the root of who each person is- the genetic make-up of the soul- is love.

When we are born into this world as babies, that is the only thing we innately know how to do. Everything else is learned. It is our nature to love because we are love. Love is a verb and love is a noun. We lose sight of this easily and often. Fear is the opposite of love. One could not exist without the other, because it would be difficult to understand the difference. Just as dark needs light to define it.

Every day, in any given moment or situation, we are consciously or unconsciously choosing to take an action, think a thought, or feel a feeling based in love or fear. To live fearlessly every minute is impossible, because we need the fear, nipping at our ankles to remind us it is present. We must endeavor to choose past the fear, to live more fearlessly, all the while respecting it for the simple fact that it helps us to love better.

"Fall in Love" is something I wanted to put on my Dare to Bare list, this year. Quite honestly- it is at the top of the list of things that give me incredible fear and hesitation- the ultimate vulnerability, in my eyes. Falling in love is something I never, really, truly, honestly have experienced -not in the way I define True Love now. I decided that because I could not assign a time frame to that one, it was best to put it on my "Bucket List" instead. I am declaring myself open to that adventure, in a way I haven't been before.


What is intriguing to me, as I observe a shift in my being, is that I say I love you to people all of the time, easily now. To close friends, new friends, family, and even my cat. I even find myself sending love out to people I don't even know. When I am driving, for instance, that lady with the stern, mean look on her face- I send her a little beam of love. That little boy, smiling at me in the back seat- yep-he gets some love to. To that co-worker I don't know well enough yet, and looks like they could use some kindness- out goes the beam of light.

And I am still afraid, every time I say it. I keep thinking that the more I practice, the easier it will be to love and be loved. It feels like I am headed to that destination, at least.

I'm a regular Susie-Fucking-Sunshine. (No offense Suz- the name just sounded good! I Love you! :))

Holy crap, am I turning into a New Age Love Fairy?
Probably. Most of you aren't even surprised, I'll wager, to hear me ask that rhetorical question. Ha!


And hey you... yeah... YOU....


I love you. <3