Lately, I have been thinking, meditiating on, and observing vibrations.
Sounds of the soul.
Chakral alignment.
Kundalini.
Energy imbalance.
It occurred to me, around my birthday in November, that the male energy in my life is seriously lacking.
I Am not just talking about the fact that I am sans boyfriend these days.
When I look around on my facebook page, or in my phone book, the number of male friends that I would genuinely like to hang out with and shoot the shit with is limited to a number on one hand.
When my guy friends pair off with their ladies, the friends often get the shaft. Because if the S.O. doesn't know you, or like you, then it's kind of weird to hang out.
And I have finally, after working at it and sometimes embarrassing myself to an a crazy extreme, have stopped acquiring male friends that I am crushing on and have hidden agendas with. (Although I have heard it expressed that guys are not friends with girls they wouldn't be..cough.. intimate with {which leads me to ask myself, is that the reason why I don't have as many close male friends as I once did- because I am not found attractive. Great. Way to make my self esteem take a nosedive into oblvion. Because let's face it- our egos want us to be desired and found attractive.}).
And I guess, to a certain degree, I do find all of my male freinds somewhat attractive. Definately some more than others. However, I no longer desire to be in a realtionship with any of them.
Oh crap. I have digressed so far, that I have lost my point.....
....er... uh....OH, right!
As I was saying- the number of close guy friends compared to my close female friends is seriously imbalanced.
Which makes me think about my body and the fact that it is fighting a daily battle to balance out the male and female hormones/energies in my body. As a woman with PCOS, I have high levels of testosterone. (which can be great news for my boyfriends- high sex drive is peaked when coupled.) But there are negatives to that situation too.
There has to be a connection.
Can I bring balance to both areas?
There is a lot of yin in my life- meditation, reflection, female bonding and friendships,nurturing,most of the music I listen too is softer in it's tone customer service, living on my own, creating art, 3 out of 4 health care providers are female, even my cat is female.
Would balancing my yin and yang energies allow me to vibrate at another level that would attract more male energy into my life? I am also fully cognizant, of the fact that I have such strong boundaries up, due to my issues of being hurt by men I let in closely. Is my recognition of this lack, an indication of me relaxing and changing the boundaries? There is something in me that has to open up to let it in.
And I will be honest.
I want to open myself up and let in new energies.
And....
I am scared shitless to do it.
Yet....I am creating the opportunities. I just keep breathing, praying, asking, and surrendering to what comes up. I said I wanted a revolution, weeeellllll.... you know...
Tonight, as I was listening to DJ Quick on the ride home, I tapped into some of that more masculine energy and was rapping along in my car, bass pumping. Confidence rose as I spouted off the lyrical rhymes. Words so out of character for me, I think most people would be shocked.
Like the guy in office space, who sings gangsta rap in his car, on the way to work.
Yep.
Kinda like that. :)
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