T.G.I.F- Thank God- I 'm Fabulous!

Just arriving home from an early afternoon brunch with my BFF.
On this rainy, gray, wet day it was wonderful to re-connect with a person who is a bright spot in my life. Sometimes I forget what we are to each other (well, it's true Babycakes! I do!) Because I get so wrapped up in my life away from our friendship. Each of us has monumental happenings both large and small, and shifts of perception and induced clarity, a thousand times a day. Distractions and personal gardens of growth we are constantly tending to.
But when we do connect- earth to fire- fire to earth, it is always an uplifting time.
We chatted about the deeper sides of our lives- what's REALLY going on internally, and the effects those happenings have externally.
The stuff I don't talk to everyone about.
The stuff that maybe only a handful of you might truly be open to connecting with.
And why is that?
Because we are afraid of the brilliance reflected back at us, in those moments of vulnerable connection. Something is seen there, that is too easily passed over with the everyday naked eye.
My entire life, I have walked through the world, sometimes knowingly, and sometimes unknowingly, seeing clearly the brilliance in others. Intuitively, clips of their lives play out before me. Moments filled with passion and emotions born of fire. I see it there.
I see the good, the bad, and the ugly.
I see the lonely, the connected, and the beautiful.
I see the sun shining in it's personal Universe, inside the average man on the street.
I see where the lights went out and the complete surrender to ever finding their way back to the effervescent illumination.

I see all of this, maybe a hundred times a day, depending on the place I am, geographically. It happens in an instant. So quick, I often don't register it as unnatural.



Recently, an interaction and discussion with another friend, had me stunned to realize the magnitude of my own fear of my own brilliant fabulousness. This friend, like no other I had met, could see into me, the way I see into others. Well, maybe not quite the same- specifics were not mentioned. The eyes that looked into mine, pierced through my confidence, and shattered my pre-occupations with others by reflecting back the most lovely, brilliant light. Mine.
I knew it was there.
I talk about it being there. A lot.
I remind others of their own.
I had accepted that just knowing mine was there, and that others could see it as a beacon for which to locate theirs, was enough.
Until I saw mine.
Because it scared the shit out of me.
I felt vulnerable, naked. Embarrassed at my lack of coverage.
Try as I might, to cover it, it would not be nullified. It haunted me.
How did it take this person to come into my life and show me this about myself?
Obviously, it's because now, more than ever- I am ready to see it.

And I have tried to cover it up- that blinding, magical, pulsing energy of the Universe which is contained in this human vehicle.
The extra weight I carry? Yes, some of it is genetic. PCOS challenges my metabolism to work differently than most. My hormones need assistance to balance.
The fat, such an ugly word, is there to protect me. Its a layer to keep out the energies of others. I am sensitive- incredibly sensitive to those around me. I soak up energy and feelings like a sponge. And this innate sense I have to do that, also caused me to build up a wall. Brick by brick. From the moment of conception, construction began.
There has been much comfort derived with the building the wall. It keeps me from being vulnerable. It keeps me from truly being aligned. There is a part of me that rationalizes that it keeps me safe from emotional hurt- mine or others. It keeps who I really am, hidden from view.
Even from myself.
Until recently.
Dear God, I was completely shaken to my core by that vision of myself.
The fear is enough to keep me building. How can I handle that? What do I do with it? Who am I, if I let myself shine without blocking the view?
I don't know.
The larger, wiser, loving part of me challenges me to put down the brick in my hand and stop. It knows what will happen.
Everything I want, need, and am is held within that light.
The searching will end.
It will just be.
Marianne Williamson wrote:
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
God, Universe, Buddha, Allah,The Force, The Talking Walnut- whatever you call it matters very little. It exists inside each of us no matter what it is named. It's presence is undeniable.
But so easily we shrink away from that.
We drink. We smoke. We eat. We have sex. We engage in co-dependent, miserable relationships. We play video games. We read gossip websites. We workout incessantly. We take drugs.We gamble, with our money, our energy, our time. These things done on their own are not negative- when they are done to block and numb out our light- that's when they become unhealthy.
Liberation from fear continues for me. A conscious work effort to behold the light of brilliant truth and love that exists in me. I am worthy. So are you.
While at brunch with my BFF, she gave me my belated birthday gift. A Indian cookbook (to nourish myself with the exotic!) and a card. The above picture. TGIF. That pin attached to the card, is my reminder and merit badge.
It's yours too.
Thank God I am FABULOUS! We are FABULOUS!
Fuck yeah.