Dare to Bare: The Unexpected

Nine months ago, when I first set out on my "Dare to Bare" Vulnerability Project, I had no idea it would take me down to a point of vulnerability such as I am in now. I passed by a few Daring Places, only to find myself somewhere completely unexpected. I did not anticipate  that my route would take me past a Ghost Town of Traumatic Memory, a destination that  I had worked hard to forget, for many years. But, the fact is that this is a necessary stop on my road. The only way around, is through.
I am doing a good job of carrying on with my life- and most people probably don't even suspect just how naked I feel at present.  I find myself feeling completely exhausted most of the time. My naturepath assures me that it is due to the fact I am processing so much, emotionally. I have been taking more naps than usual, to my delight. I have been watching many a sad movie, with the intention to dislodge long-held emotion, via tears.
And it's true, I am doing a lot of thinking, feeling, and accepting. Its draining. I have little patience or energy  for silly questions from people wanting to know where the cereal is. Don't they understand that I am dealing with some heavy shit inside my head, these days???!!!! I want a vacation...
This all goes back to my Amazing Revelation. The revelation while extremely private, is something that stems from a secretly traumatic event that occurred in my life, ten years ago. Ten years of not dealing with something that had significant emotional impact is weighty, to say the least.
While the "what" of that Amazing Revelation, matters little in the grand scheme of things- what does is the concept of dealing with events as they happen.
"Never put off today what you could do tomorrow."
I beat myself up a little- why didn't I have the courage to face this then? Maybe my life would have been different. Maybe I'd be married now with kids. Maybe I'd be living on a tropical island. Maybe I would be a travel writer....I know better than to play the what-if game. Because I also believe that everything happens when it is supposed to, for a reason.
The truth is, I wasn't ready then, as a 24 year-old young woman. I was a late bloomer, in many respects, and that meant late to the party as well.  So I repressed in multiple ways. I stayed at a job, though it has many outstanding benefits, has kept me placid and without passion in my work. I chose relationships with men who were emotionally unavailable  to me, because as long as I focused on them and their needs, wants, and feelings- I wasn't looking at my own. I put on weight to keep myself from being chosen by a man who could see the real me- another defense mechanism that made it easy to repress the emotions eating away at me inside. I choose not to save money - because I didn't believe in my own inherent worth. There are countless ways I have allowed myself to be held back from living the life I truly want. It wasn't anyone else doing  the locking down- it's been all me.
Well... I am to blame for not taking the road to Whole Heart City,  I am not to blame for the event. That I know. For certain.
Spending the last ten years in such an emotional lock down, has me wondering if being open and free of these shackles from the past is possible. The optimist in me tells me, "Absolutely! Just keep walking forward." The fearful part of me is less sure. "Wouldn't it be safer if we just stayed here? It's not so bad, is it?"

Yes, it is!!! Damn it I want to blow this pop stand!!!! I want to meltdown the walls and see what is on the other side of this place. I know there is some fantastic stuff over there. I can feel it, even if I don't know for certain what it looks like yet. I just have a hunch....

Soooo..... I keep walking.
And napping.
And writing.
And talking.
And crying.
And laughing.
And stretching beyond what I have known to be comfortable.

We should all have the courage to live openly, with whole gorgeous hearts beating out the rhythm of our footsteps on the path.
Life is far too short and beautiful, to live it half-assed.
I am just taking the long way around.