The Darjeeling Life Aquatic

image via wikimedia

Over the last month, I have become more withdrawn as I have been embarking on a path of tremendous healing. I have, in many ways, put the actions in my world on pause. Simultaneously I want to welcome in new opportunities and forward ways, and need a little more time to gather myself back together so I don't fuck any of it up as I have in the past. I am all about breaking patterns and shifting paradigms. That is not easy work, my friends, and it is happening.
Music, movies, and friends have been wonderful comforts. Consistent  helpers in the process of  emotional excavation I am currently engaged in. Under these new circumstances of stress, I have broken one of my major rules: no t.v. in the bedroom. I brought in my little t.v./dvd player combo, as I only do when I am sick and not feeling well...this time in my life feels like I am sick and unwell...so I am allowing it. Besides, its just me and the cat.
I also don't have t.v in my house, so I watch movies instead. A nice fat queue has taken shape on my bedside table. Between the library, Netflix, and Redbox, my needs are more than being met on that front. I decided to have a little Wes Anderson marathon: " The Royal Tanenbaums", The Life Aquatic", and The Darjeeling Limited".

image via listal.com

"The Royal Tanenbaums" I like, and it's not my favorite. Perhaps I just haven't gotten to the place in my life where I can fully appreciate it.

I first saw "The Life Aquatic" six or seven years ago, with an ex-boyfriend. He loved it. I confess, I didn't get it, and therefore did not connect to it. So, I popped it in one night, with an open mind.

The back story is that oceanographer,  Steve Zissou and his collegue/best friend, Esteban are on a dive, filming a documentary. During the dive, Esteban  is tragically eaten by what Steve later describes as a "jaguar shark". This species of shark has not ever been identified and many wonder if Steve isn't making it all up. There was no one else down in the water with Steve and Esteban to verify, and Steve has been known to embellish...  What is known is that whatever was down there with the two oceanographers, was hit with a tracking device on that fatal dive. The original intention the two men set out with was to observe the mythical and mysterious sea creature. But due to the fatal circumstances, Steve's goal  shifts and becomes  a vendetta.  He aims  to find it, and blow-it up with dynamite in an effort to avenge the death of his friend and soothe his grief. Towards the end of the movie, the tracking device leads them to the shark's location, and they descend in the tiny submarine to see once and for all the scary wonder. To face the fear.

"Are we safe in here?", Jane asks shakily, hands covering her unborn child growing in her womb.
"I doubt it.", Steve replies.
"It  is beautiful, Steve.", remarks Eleanor, as the shark swims around their vessel.
"I wonder if it remembers me..." ponders Steve, painfully  out loud, tears in his eyes as it swims away from them.
He places his hand on Jane's unborn baby, and then suddenly every single person in that submarine reaches over to touch Steve, in a collective effort to comfort him in his loss, grief, and pain.

It wasn't until this  scene that it all hit me. It turned me into a sobbing mess as the epiphany slapped me across the heart and I GOT IT. Here is how I interpreted it and apply it to my life (aquatic):

The shark as as a symbol, might be a representation of the terrifying and unpredictable events and circumstances that are Life. The scary, the unknown, the fear.  All of the people that are left in Steve's life - the men and women who have been through the best and worst with him, who love, support and accept him just as he is-  accompany him on the excursion in the deep, dark mysterious waters below.

And then.... there it is. It is breathtaking. Terrifying. Ginormous. 

The reality of how huge and frightening that animal is, becomes apparent. So too does the crew's obvious vulnerability in that moment. The shark has the power to swallow them whole at any given second. But it doesn't. Steve is able to see and fully face it. He does so because he is willing, and he is surrounded by the support of people who genuinely care for him. Upon seeing the Jaguar Shark, Steve also realizes that  he no longer wants to blow it up- he just wants to acknowledge it and how it has changed him forever. Does the shark have any idea how it has impacted Steve? Probably not. His craving for  validation of his suffering is satiated finally. Steve is also comforted and supported by his crew, who hold space for him to process this monumental moment in his life. Jane's question about safety is  a reminder that we are always vulnerable, and that means no, we are probably not always safe. If we truly want to live and experience everything- it means we have to be exposed. What comes from that ability to be totally and completely open is the gift of facing our fears and becoming aware of how alive we are.  Which is both terrifying and beautiful, all at once.

At present, I too feel like I am descending into the deep, dark sea in a tiny, little submarine. I am selective about what crew members I allow inside with me. Having my crew be a witness to my own vulnerability as I face this massive "shark" is one of the scariest things I have ever done. I have not trusted  others in the past, because no one has ever shown me they could handle my vulnerability. I am always the strong one- the rock, the matriarch, the leader. The one who does not fall apart. But I am in fact, doing just that. Strong people break down sometimes, so they can build themselves up to stand on  a newer, healthier, stronger foundation than what was once in place. 

Watch it below and see what I mean...

A few days later, I watched my favorite Wes Anderson movie, "The Darjeeling Limited".

image via impawards.com

 This story is of three brothers, Francis, Peter, and Jack, who meet up on a journey across India on a train. I see something new each time I watch it. This time, it was the scene in the train station bathroom towards the end of the film. In the scene, Francis (the oldest brother and the one who raised his two younger brothers), is standing between the brothers, as they are all looking the mirror. During the whole trip, Francis' face has been bandaged up because he was in a motorcycle accident and almost died. He is looking at himself, and begins to take off his bandages. For the first time, he really looks at his wounds. He observes his scars. He is exposed in the company of Jack and Peter, both flanking him.

image via fimmisery.com

Francis: " I guess I still got a lot of healing to do."
Jack: "Gettin' there though."
Peter: "Anyway, it's definitely going to add a lot of character to you."

 Well......Wes Anderson, you have done a perfect job of helping me articulate exactly where I am in my life, The Darjeeling Life Aquatic.
Thank you.