seeing the dead

twice a year, my day job company gathers all the department managers from all of the stores in one place for a meeting about what's new, re-cap and connect. These meetings happen in October and April. The October meeting is especially significant for me, because it was 4 years ago that that was the place I found myself days after I had sustained the biggest betrayal and heartbreak to date. In those walls and under the unknowing presence of all those people around me, I was being held together with their collective energy. My heart was battered, and the tears threatened at every second. If not for my very dear friend Nina, I honestly don't know how I got through that day. So in the years since, every October, as the CEO is going over the financial aspects of the past 6 months, I sit and reflect. I measure how far I have come in four years. My journey has been surprising, sometimes lonely, enlightening, and incredibly meaningful. This October's meeting, yesterday, was quite surprising. But then again not.... for the last three weeks, I have had the premonition that I was going to see my ex-boyfriend. The one who was my first love, and my most significant relationship to date. I used to be able to feel him when he was thinking about me- not so much anymore because I have really distanced myself. Maybe its because its Fall, and I always get nostalgic this time of year. It was the Fall seven years ago, that we got together and I fell in love with him. And over the course of our 5 years together, we would meet up and try again in the Fall, only to end up ending it. Again. So the fact that I thought I had seen him, once at work, and once out with friends at the White Eagle last week, had me prepared. I knew it was coming. And then, as L. was going on about profits and margins, I felt a pair of eyes on me, I turned my head to see who was looking at me, and for a brief nano second met D. 's eyes. I quickly looked away. I needed to retreat and take stock. What the hell was he doing here? This was my turf. This was my safe place. And there he was. Wearing that god-damned orange fleece pull-over that his ex-wife had sent him for his birthday a year or so before we broke up for good. (It pissed me off immensely that he wore it- a gift of clothing seemed a really personal gift to give an ex-husband. It also brought up for me the fact that I didn't ever feel like I could have given him such a personal gift. The irony..)My heart wasn't racing. I didn't feel a fired up reaction at all. I was calm, I was cool. I didn't really care. Ok, I cared a little. After all he is my first love, and I will always wish him the best and have love for him. And...... I didn't feel the need to interact with him, or engage in a meaningful gaze. I didn't want to make a big deal about it, because, it's ancient history now. And I wasn't all that surprised. Like I said, I knew I was on the verge of running into him. So I put my roots down and my branches down and just enjoyed myself. I was myself. And I let him see that. And he was his self. We didn't run into each other all day. I didn't go out of my way to say hello, and neither did he. We simply existed in the same place as two people who didn't know one another.I saw the gift I needed to get out of being in the same time and place as him- to see that its really finished. Not that I thought we would get back together. Believe me when I say I know that ship has sailed, and I have no interest in being on it with him. We don't fit. We are so different, and we both want to get different things out of life. There are no words left to say. No pleasantries to exchange. No need to shake hands or hug. Or ask how the children I never really met are, across the pond with their mother. No need to ask how he is doing, or what is new in his life. We have already done that, countless times. And there is no point now.Because I have really let go. And all that remains is the space inside my heart that holds our past together with the love and respect it deserves.I have processed and made all of the realizations about the why and how we were together, and why I felt the need to cling and hold onto something so ill-fitted and dead to me. I have put it to rest. I saw that so clearly today.
Driving home, listening to one of my favorite Fall-time cds, (reminds me of driving to Bellingham to stay with my dear friend Susie, the October of 2004. Keane's Hopes and Fears), a song came on that tells the story of two lovers who are strangers to each other, living in the same town. Essentially that is what D. and I are to each other now. We don't know who we are anymore. We know who we were when were together, but now? Now we might as well be strangers. Its come full circle now. It only took me 7 years....And now? I long to Fall in love again in the Fall. Next time, I want him to Fall too, and to stay. Driving home today, reflecting and processing, as I turned onto my street, I saw a young couple holding hands. The woman was pregnant, and wrapped up in a cozy sweater -jacket. As I drove past them, I squeezed my eyes shut, and wished " Yes! I want that too."And for the first time in a long time, I felt like I had crossed a line over to a place I didn't know was waiting to get to.
Home.