Comparison

Recently, I have noticed that I can really tear myself down when I unconsciously make comparisons between myself and others.

Measuring up seems to be important to The Voice.

I compare stupid things all of the time.

My clothes.
My height.
My hair.
My speech.
My laugh.
my organizational skills.
my loneliness.
my shoes.
my cooking.
my fullness.
my humor.
my communication style.
my independence.
my sexiness.
my creativity.
my passion.
My body.
More specifically- my toes. My face. My arms. My skin. My heine. My chest. My belly.
Though oddly enough- never my legs.

I really enjoy my legs. Nice stems, they are. Muscular, shapely, strong. I wish the other parts of my body took muscle on so quickly and naturally....


There I go again...

A few days ago, I discovered that the scale I use to weigh myself everyday, is off by 10 lbs.

I have been beating myself up for weighing a number that I actually didn't for months. A huge weight was lifted, pun intended, upon this significant realization. I had been making comparisons in my progress (I have lost 15 lbs in the last 2 months) to others success and the way they have lost or not lost their own weight.

And feeling really shitty about myself because my own journey has been different.

Upon making the discovery of what my accurate weight was- I began to see my body differently. It got me wondering- how much of our body image is built on what we think about our bodies versus what is the reality? How twisted it can get in the head! Our perception becomes disgustingly distorted and we stop seeing the beauty of who we really are.

The truth is we are miracles. Every.single.one.of.us.
We have hearts that beat rapidly hundreds of times in minutes. Brains that control and create thoughts, muscles, nerves,cell production. The fact that we can create human beings in from our bodies is wondrous! DO you know how much energy it takes just to blink? Or type? Form whole sentences? We take so much for granted because we can get wrapped up in trying to measure up to a twisted idea of perfection.

So the fact that I have had a muffin top since age 9 sometimes seems like a stupid thing to worry about. Having more lb's doesn't make me any less important, beautiful, smart, worthy, lovable, creative, interesting, or magical. Having less lb's doesn't either. That stuff is already inside the packaging and enhances what the naked eye can see.

This is not news. Its a reminder.

I want to be around for a long time though, and enjoying my life. And that means I have to tell The Voice to fuck off when it starts getting hoighty -toighty. I am going to the gym and going on 5 mile hill walks as much as possible. I am losing those lb's.

Not at a rapid pace, not at a slow pace- at my pace.

All in good time, Paula. All in good time.