What if there isn't?

It's a slump.
A dumpy slump I am in.
I'm stuck.
Restless.
Hopeless.

UGH.

To the outside world, I know I mostly come off as the optimistic princess of all situations. And yeah- it's true I am naturally a "half-full type.

But lately I am beginning to question things that I have always believed to be true....
Now before I go any further, let me say this: I get that this thing called life is like a big play- a personal production for each of us. I get that beliefs= illusion. I get that there is no one person will complete me or my life. I know that I iwll never find happiness outside of myself. I know that we come into this world alone, and we leave it as such. I know that we create relationships to better know who we are. I know that at the heart of every question, love is the answer.

All of that knowledge has still not blocked out the few tiny, fear-based thoughts I have been processing the last couple of weeks.

I say all the time, that there is a lid for every pot. I say it to other people, mostly to comfort them as well as myself. How do I know that is true? I certainly haven't met my lid yet. What if it never happens for me? And yet I still tell people not to give up, to continue to put yourself out there. That love will find you (and me). That we don't have to be alone. That we don't have to settle for relationships that do not fit who we are. What if some of us are only meant to be single for the rest of our lives???

I am in my thirties now, and wow. I got to say, the pressure is beginning to be felt. All of my friends are coupling off and having babies and making their own little countries of twos and threes... More and more I think, yeah- I want to build that with a partner! I would like ot share my life with someone. " But how? Where does a 30 something year old woman meet her lid? The bar scene is stale and very undesirable. All of my friends don't have any single guy friends they would fix me up with. I have had little luck with online dating. And don't even get me started on how challenging it is to date and be psychic....I feel like the odds are stacked against me. That my 40 extra pounds are keeping me from meeting "him". Yes- I admit it- there is a part of my brain that thinks that if my body looked differently, then the kind of man I would want to date, would be beating down the door to take me out.

But maybe not.

Maybe the extra weight I carry, my intuitive abilities, and my optimism are the things that will help me know the man when I see him. I don't know. I feel so damn stuck. Like my whole f'n life has been like "Ground Hog Day". Every day its the same thing. Get up. Go to work. Come home. Go to bed. I have spent so much time alone in my life, that I am bored of it. Stuck in this body that never feels like it will change no matter how many times I go running or carbs I avoid. Fuck it. Just fuck it.

I also know that I am in charge of my own life. I make things happen. I make it what I want to be (and somewhere a long the way I got the message that this was the life I wanted for myself...) But what if I continue to make shifts and choices and still nothing changes? What if I stay stuck for always? Working a job I am bored with, too scared and overwhelmed to live creatively? Never meeting a man I could really let myself open up to possibilities with???? That is a sad, scary thought.

Ugh......

Maybe I should just get over it and take myself to breakfast. It's just the PMS talking.....