So Long, Sugar...

See that cupcake up there?
I can't eat any of those ever again.
Except for maybe on my birthday.
Most of you know I have a chronic hormonal disorder called PCOS.
(What is that? Read about here - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/PCOS)
I don't talk about it a lot because I am really embarressed to talk deeply about it. There are a few symptoms that frankly, just aren't very pretty. I feel alone, and frustrated a lot of the time. It's a harsh reality to accept that I have live everyday in a body that will never operate or function normally.
Living my life by a list of 10 different supplements to be taken everyday to balance out my hormones and yet... my symptoms will never completely go away. I will be a freak show for life. The degree may lessen- but some things will always feel like they are there.
Today in my doctor's office, I sat crying silently for a half an hour. Some of the anger, shame, and frusteration that comes from living with this disease began to surface. I have been carrying it around for so long- not sharing the weight of the burden with anyone. Today, as Dr. B and I discussed how was feeling (tired..always tired...and stressed...and a wee bit depressed) , I cracked the careful facade I have been building.
It's beyond the person who can always see the bright side of things.
Beyond the person who can more easliy care for her friends, rather then let herself be cared for by them.
It is beyond the person who's broken heart has almost fully recovered from the biggest betrayal it had yet to expereince.
It is so much more than I ever let be seen or talk about.

It's not just about the extra pounds I carry around the middle, thanks to my metalbolism for not being able to process most foods like most bodies do.
Or the fact that I am at prime candidate for Type 2 diabetes.
Or the reality that I am carbohydrate intolerant.
Or that if and when I ever decide to try and have kids, there is a good chance I will expereince difficulty becoming pregnant.

There is a lot frustration around the fact that I will never be normal- that I have to work so much harder at being motivated when some of my hormones are low, or lacking as they are right now - my energy level takes a nose dive. I can't get out of bed to go for a walk before work. I can't find the energy at the end of my work day to go to the gym. I can't find the time or the energy on my days off, for one reason or another. I let excuses litter my pathway. It then becomes easy to hate myself for being "lazy". Then to hate myself for a multitude of different reasons. A vicious, vicious cycle. It adds to the pressure society places on women to look a certain way. To be a certain way. It will be the straw that breaks my back...
The daily struggle of what to eat is endless. My body makes me crave the things it cannot process. It wants seratonin - which, I will know officially in the next couple of weeks or so, is low. Seratonin is the feel good hormone- we expreince it when we eat a really good dessert or have really good sex. Neither of which, quite honestly, I have been having. Well maybe a little. A bit of ice cream there..a bite of a cookie here...and if you count myself..I am loving long time...sometimes...ha ha ha..
The decsion to fight my disease naturally came about because I refuse to take any medications. I don't want the chemicals in my body. Therefore, my battle is a little harder. ( Not that those drugs would be effective..it's hit or miss. I did try them once and they made me feel like shit.)
And it sucks. Really sucks.
It's damn near hopeless.

My doctor is going to help me to commit to a severe lifestyle change over the next 6 months. That means I will have to change my eating habits - again. In addition to not eating wheat- there will be no sugar as well.
Almost none- I am allowed the occasional handfull of berries or an apple. Or the occasional bite of wedding cake.That is it.
I will be taking a few new supplements to help temper some of my symptoms.
The biggest reason I am writing about this today, is because I want to begin to realease a lot of the negative feelings and judgements I have shaped about myself. It's also because I want to be more open so I can set myself up for a certain level of success. I need the help from my friends and family in the form of support.
When we go out to eat, or have gatherings, please don't make me feel bad about the fact that I can't eat much off the menu. Please don't ask me if I want dessert - of course I do! I just can't have it.
No more cocktails.
No more sweets.
If you invite me for dinner, please be kind and ask about my dietary restrictions.
Ask me how I am doing with it.
Offer to go for a walk or hike the next time we are going to hang out.
Help to be the best I can be not for my vanity, but for my sanity.
And my health.