Dead Dad Dinner

On this day, 4 years ago, my dad passed away of a heart attack. It was sudden and shocking. Rocked me to the core. Those of you who knew me before and after surely noticed the impact.

That's my dad, Ken. He was probably in his late twenties - my age actually- when this picture was taken. ( this is a picture of the picture taken with my cell phone- no scanner have I. The blue light is not in the original - interesting...) Actually, I think I took this picture of him. He is standing in my grandparent's back yard. He is smiling at me in the picture proudly. One of my first stumblings behind a camera. He spent a lot of his life behind a camera, documenting his life- the things he loved, the people he loved, the places he loved. He was teaching me to see the world in that way, and he was proud to see me do it. His smile says to me " Thats right - that's the way. You're doing it."
Tonight, Derrick and my dad's sister and our favorite auntie, Kyra, met up at Derrick's for our first " Dead Dad Dinner". We made a dinner of things my dad like, some of them things he made us eat trying to instill his love of them. That came later - (one being spinach, the other being roasted beets), Kyra made Grandma's macaroni & cheese, and delicious vanilla cupcakes. We had a bit of coconut ice cream with pineapple and raspberries. Over dinner we talked about dad, how difficult it was for each of us in our own ways to grow up in the family, and shared our triumphs in overcoming the challenges of such tumultuous upbringings and their after affects. We played "Boggle" - one of my dad's very favorite games we used to play with him.
It was a really great way to celebrate a person we loved, who was a smart man, where I get my love of entertaining from, who could be the biggest ass and a colossal tyrant. He affected us all in negative and positive ways. I really felt him tonight with us. I read a letter I wrote to him some months after he passed. I had written years ago, and put it away, never sharing with anyone until this last month reading it to Derrick and then again tonight to them both.
On the way home, I heard the song " American Pie" by Don Mclean. I turned the station right as he was singing " ...this will be the day I that I die."

He talks about how February makes him shiver...



Wednesday, May 5, 2004 8:04pm

"Dear Dad,
How do I tell you just how much I am going to miss you? You were instrumental in the shaping of my soul. I know you understood how much I loved you while you were here, because I feel it just as intensely how much you loved me, more than ever. I am grateful to you for each and every moment you were in my life. Though you sometimes seemed to demand the impossible from me. I have always been honest with you, and that will not change now. You were not perfect, actually you were rather difficult at times. And you were also funny, brilliant, creative, and loving. I understand you lived your life the best way you knew how. You were passionate about the things you believed in. There is a space in my heart where my love for you resides, and will not fade or wane. Daddy, we are all loved beyond our ability to comprehend. You feel it now. Why do we wait to tell the people we love how they have enriched our lives until after they have left us? Why wait?
Mother Teresa said " I have found the paradox that if I love until it hurts, then there is no hurt, only more love." I am hurting now, knowing you will not be here to to see me to someday marry. You will never know your future grandchildren. There will be no more silly emails or phone messages with your voice. I won't be able to call you and ask how to clean the burners on my stove, or how to fix the dome light in my car. There will be memories of moments in my childhood. Trips to Seattle, early morning train pictures, Sunday breakfasts with the Three Stooges, road trips to small almost nonexistent towns in Montana, the measuring of train depots. There will be pictures and songs and laughter as we remember the ways you infuriated us, inspired us, and loved us. Love. There is more than you ever thought there could be. It is the very thought that accompanies me to sleep each night, anticipating your visits in my dreams- " I love you Daddy" over and over I hear my heart speak those four words. As much as it hurts to know I cannot see you anymore, I feel even more love knowing I can FEEL you more than ever.
I HOPE YOUR PASSING WILL FURTHER INSPIRE THE PEOPLE WHOSE LIVES YOU HAVE TOUCHED. Will they wait to tell the people in their lives how much they care, or will they live every moment as if it is their last?
I will be ok. I will miss you immeasurably. I will think of you often. Every-time I hear a Rolling Stone's song, or the sound of a train's horn. Every-time my brothers and sisters smile at each other, I will see you."