New Year's Day has always felt incredibly depressing for me. An already charged day, made heavier with the weight of natural reflection of 365 days.
Revisiting what did happen.
And what didn't.
I find that having a profound sense of gratitude for the people and situations that bring my heart joy, is what helps to lift the sadness.
For me, there were some pretty huge events which spurned revelations of the deep. Here is a summary, which I endeavor to keep brief:
Be open to vulnerability and check those expectaions.
I began 2012, with the intention that if I opened myself up to incredible levels of vulnerability that I would be rewarded with the influx of new people, places and situations. And I did receive all of those things, definitely not the way I thought I would. I had expectations about how things would manifest- but Life has a funny way of helping you out by shaking things up and delivering emotional bombs of surprising magnitudes. Expectations, I learned, are nice to day dream about but need to be checked at the door when stepping into your real life. This is where vulnerability opens one up. Which led me to....
Stop running from what I had been hiding from
Because I had new people, and situations come into my life, I knew that I was not going to open up and let them in the way I wanted to, if I did not finally address the thing I had been running from for 10 years. I made the commitment to step into the pain of past trauma and face it. It was hard and worth it. I am still affected, and I no longer carry around the shame and secrecy that held me down. I feel stronger for having come through it all, and grateful for the new awareness about myself. Which led me to...
Fly my freak flag with confidence and without liquid courage
Due to collective factors such as: my family's dysfunctional conditioning (on my dad's side), the lack of substance in my relationship with my dad, surviving a past trauma, being a creative as well as a psychic ( I despise that word, really), and claiming the title of "extroverted introvert", I am a little kooky; a smidge on the crazy (good) side. I am also a teenager in my heart and a wise woman in my head. This makes for conflicting, insecure, socially awkward behavior at times. And in those moments where I am hyper sensitive to judgement for being myself or am attempting to be noticed by an attractive and intelligent person of the opposite sex- I learned the hard way that "liquid courage" doesn't actually help. (Either does having a photographic memory and the ability to retain useless information regarding names, dates and faces. That will come in handy in my next job though, I am certain). I am weird. You are weird. Like Dr. Suess said, when we can line up our own weirdness with another's, that is when love happens. So- I'll proudly fly my flag of freakness, that way those who have similar flags will be able to find me. Which led me to....
Make room for people in my life, especially for those who make room for me
We need people in our lives who accept us in all of our glory. The good, bad, difficult, awesome, disappointing and breathtaking. Because when we make room for these people, we learn and grow. We are given the opportunity to practice kindness, compassion, forgiveness, unconditional love, honesty, and courage. Time is one of the most precious gifts we can give, along with authenticity and love. This past year, I let some old friends go, and I reconnected and reunited with some old and new friends. I let go of friendships that failed to meet my needs, and welcomed back and helped to birth those that are saturated with deep love, respect, and truth. And my heart is made grateful by these connections, having opened my heart up to listen to what felt right for me. ( Thank you to all of the people who love me so truly, madly and deeply. I hope you all know who you are and how much you mean to me. )Which led me to....
Trust myself
My intuitive abilities baffle me sometimes. It is incredible the information I can receive about people, places, and situations through meditation, dreams, and well... just randomly. It is also baffling that I don't always listen to it, because I am afraid to trust it. I have been shot down and lost confidence in myself at times when my expectations tangled with my emotions, tainting the course of events. Or not. I, do believe everything works out the way it is meant to- The Universe/ God/ Life does not make accidents. I have been afraid to trust myself because I am frightened by what will happen if I do. My life might change drastically. I might be wrong and make a fool of myself. I might really connect with someone. I might learn I am actually good at what I am most passionate about wanting to do. I might be liberated. I might be ensconced in love and light. I might enjoy my life a million times more.
It is ok to be a little afraid of how powerful we truly are- because it wakes us up to the affect we can have on our lives. But when that fear holds us back - that isn't living. Trusting in the part of me that comes from That Which Is Bigger Than Us All is what I am doing now with more faith, love and passion that I ever thought possible. I look forward to more of that and where it will propel me. Which led me to....
Finally figure out what work in life stirs my passion, and go do it.
Recently, at the edge of 34, I finally figured out what I want to be when I grow up. It was a sudden realization and "click". I am not ready to announce it yet, but I will say that every little thing I do in the next year, ties back to this work and every step I take is in the direction of doing it. This is work that will take me years of training and education. It also is something I already do, and will play so nicely with my intuition, and steel trap of a mind. I want to be taken seriously, I want to be of service, and I want to to do work that makes my heart feel good. I am finally on that path. I am in love with the process. Which led me to...
Understand that in the end, love is all that matters
Love is the only thing we can always take with us where ever in time or space we go. Love connects and lifts. It illuminates and comforts. It supports and encourages. It is limitless and in all of us. Me... you...it's everywhere. I believe it is everyone's purpose in life to grow their heart's capacity to love. We know love, because we also know indifference. Just as we know light, because we know darkness.
"...we're only here to find the love that lingers after the moment..."
~"Cats & Dogs/ Coeur D' Alene" by The Head and The Heart
Happy New Year, Dear Reader. May you be blessed with your own lessons and little epiphanies that lead you to love and its undeniable truth. <3 p="p">
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