The Rule of Quest Physics

"...in the end I have come to believe in something I call The Physics of The Quest. A force in Nature, governed by laws as real as the laws of gravity. The rule of Quest Physics goes something like this:

If, ... you are brave enough to leave behind everything that is familiar and comforting, which can be anything from your house to bitter, old, resentments, and set out on a truth seeking journey, either externally or internally, and if you are truly willing to regard everything on that journey as a clue, and if you accept everyone you meet along the way as a teacher, and if you are prepared, most of all, to face and forgive some very difficult realities about yourself, then the truth will not be withheld from you.

I can't help but believe it, given my experience."

~Liz Gilbert, "Eat, Love, Pray"

One week from  today, is my 34th birthday. And my, oh my.. what  a year it has been. I thought I would take some time to reflect on that now- nip in the bud any Birthday Depression that might try to sneak in, and put forth my intentions for my Personal New Year.

November 30, 2011, I wrote a letter to myself here, and declared that 33 would be the Year of Magical Thinking.

I had no idea what I was setting into motion at the time- except that it would have a huge effect on me.

Over the course of the last twelve months, I have indeed embarked on an internal truth-seeking journey. My intention was to get to down to the nitty-gritty of all that was holding me back from living the life I had envisioned. Staring down hard, the "difficult realities about myself", to forgive and let go of. I have done just that.  I have called in some significant "teachers" as well. Most of them have little knowledge about just how much their interactions, be it brief or consistant, have had on my thought reform.

The first thing I had to face, was the ownership of allowing the Fear inside me, to  drive me. Where did it come from? How does it affect my steering? What am I running from?

A lot it turns out.

Fear is a funny thing. It is never rational, as I have stated many times before, and yet we give it such power. I have worked diligently at facing and making peace with the fear inside me. Especially here in the last couple of months. My Past Trauma had been holding me down for so long and so hard, I wasn't even aware of how heavy and in the dark I was.

Now, having reframed a lot of my thought patterns, and recognizing more quickly when I revert- I feel a lightness and sense of free-being that didn't previously exist.

I feel grounded, present, and more confident. I am not as easily swayed into buying into the anxiety. There is a calm in my heart and a peace in my soul.

My intuitive abilities have taken off, and continue to amaze even me, every single day.

I am open.

I pay attention.

I breathe more.

I am trusting myself- my intuition, my feelings, and my instincts to guide more often than not. Whether  situations pan out according to my expectations, is mattering less and less. Because its about the feeling of trusting in my own sense of self. I do know how to do this. I can make this leap. I can jump of the precipice and fucking let go. I will land on my feet, with abundant possibilities surrounding me. Its all about the eyes and what we choose to focus on. Everything I have been seeking on my quest, has been inside me all along. Cliche' and true, I realize. Depending on the outside world to help me determine my worth, desirability and/ authenticity no longer feels like an appealing route. It is in me. No one else has the ability to tell me what is true for me.  I decide what lines up. I look into my eyes now, and see more of my whole self. I see past the ever-present fear. I see into the sureness and sweetness of being right here right now.

Did I fall?

Or am I flying?

Does one lead to another?

Or is it all the same.

Hmmm......

Novemeber 30, 2012 will start The Year of Magical Doing. Having taken the time to sort out and redirect my thoughts from fear and more into love, means that I am ready to take action. I have goals and intentions...

To soar and to land.

To have my feet on the ground and my head in the stars.

The work has been hard and emotional. And rewarding as fuck.