Strength in Vulnerability

One of my best friends just left me a voicemail, recounting a dream she had about me last night.

She said that I was hosting a gathering at my house, and I was there with my sweetie. She said she couldn't see his face too well, but that he was tall with dark hair.

And she was talking to me about being with him, and I said to her:

"I came to this absolute truth & realization within myself that I wasn't allowing myself to be really, truly vulnerable.
And it wasn't until I decided myself to be very vulnerable, that I met him".


It is not terribly surprising to hear this, and yet it is exactly what I needed to hear.
I have been in this place lately where, now having come out totally under the weight of the last relationship, and have been ready to embark on my next romantic adventure, that the questions of how, when, who, and why have surfaced. Also surfacing, is the feeling that I have been struck with the feeling that I am about to experience the unexpected. Stumbling around in a dark, semi-familiar room, trying to find the light switch to turn on the lights. To illuminate what I am surrounded by.



So what does it mean to be truly vulnerable? To be transparent? I fight that sometimes, because my face highlights what ever my emotions are at any given moment. I was never any good at poker, because it feels impossible to hide the truth of my feelings. But lately, I have been wearing my poker face a lot. Its hard work, and it feels heavy and fake. I just want to be myself.

But then I worry. I worry about what people will say or think. I worry about the differences and the similarities. I worry it will hurt and it will break my heart. I worry it will be fun and wonderful, and magical. I don't know what it looks like when it feels fun and wonderful. I know I deserve it, and yet will I allow myself to have that someday? I worry I will only make it complicated because deep down I will not feel I can have it. Because that has been my story up till now. Choose one who is deeply wounded who cannot love me, have fun or enjoy the adventure. I don't want that anymore and yet I am scared of what I do want. I have been reminding myself more often, that just because I have visions for the future, doesn't mean they will happen in the expected order. I forget that sometimes the very best things, are surprises and knock the wind out of you in an exhilarating way.

Does being vulnerable require I wear my heart on my sleeve for the world to see? Does it mean I let a person in to see me- all of me- and allow the feeling of acceptance to wash over me? (that's what I am currently working on). I don't know...and I am willing to find out.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ironically, I sprained my elbow, driving to work last week. Going in for acupuncture, I was explaining to my acupuncturist where it hurt.

"Mmmmmm... that's interesting. Those points you are showing me are directly related to the para-cardium and the heart. Sooo, what's going on?"

"Oh shit. Well, actually.... there is this situation..."

I went on to explain how I had begun to feel interest in someone I had met recently, and how scared I was. I talked about the uncertainty of the situation, and the complications I saw and wanted to ride through, but still felt incredibly anxious about.

"Well,", M. said, " that makes a lot of sense. Because the para-cardium is all about protecting the heart. Here you are, attempting to open your heart after such a long time, and having been so deeply wounded before. You are fighting the opening."

"um... yeah. So what do I do?"

"You relax and let it unfold."

"oh shit."