Sifting Shades of Gray- Reflections of 36

Thirty- six years ago, in a hospital that is now major sports apparel HQ, on a bluff overlooking Portland, I was born. My parents were young, my mother just 21 years old when she birthed me into the world. Dad, 26, was out of town and had rushed back to meet his first born just hours after my arrival. Mom had  gone into labor early- I wasn't due for another couple of weeks. She'd been hanging curtains in my nursery, the night before. Tall as she was, she had actually needed to stand on a chair to put them up, and fell, breaking her water in the process. The hospital was literally a handful of blocks away. Phone calls were made and my family prepared for my arrival.
 Because you see, I had decided to come into the world on my own terms- ahead of other people's expectations. The seeds were sown and I've been living my life this way ever since.


My first thoughts this morning, when I woke, as the sun was shining on my face, light dancing against a brilliant blue sky,  the contented purrs from the Ginger Dumpling my soundtrack, how this was the first time in my life I  was awaking on my birthday with both of the people who had made me...gone.
                                       
                                                          me and my Dad circa 1979

 I've had time to adjust not having Dad call or send a card in the ten years since he passed...but it hasn't even been a year since Mom went, and its hard. We shared a heartbeat for nine months of my life. And sometimes, I think if I get quiet enough, I might still be able to hear hers in time with mine.
                                                  
                                                               me and Mom circa 1978
                                   

My 35th year on planet Earth has been marked with much emotional difficulty.  The highs and lows of the grieving process have drained me quite thoroughly. It has also given me a new view on the path forward. I've spent less time in the last 12 months, dwelling between the extremities of emotion...you know the places Im talking about, right? The black or white extremes...right or wrong... this or that...and the place I find myself now is somewhere between. I've been living in the gray, a long - avoided and dreaded area for me. I find it comforting to not commit to one way of feeling , so intensely about anything. There is much more of an introspective flow to my thoughts. The fire and passion that has driven me thus far, has dimmed out of necessity. I know one day, Ill be fluent in the ways of integrating the fire in the gray. I've still got my training wheels on and it feels good to trust them. Life has a funny way of helping you out, as Alanis once sang. And she's right.

Sifting thrrough the shades of gray, I find myself smack dab in the middle of a life reconstruction project. Its a remodel of epic proportions- the ramifications of which I probably won't be able to see completely for several years more down the road. But I know something big is happening. Im different inside. How could I not be? Life has forced me to take a good hard look at all of the infrastructures currently in place and to as the questions:
 " What is working for me and will carry me through on the path forward?"
" What people, places, things, and situations have served me well up till now that need to be let go of?"
" What do I want to create for myself ?"
" What do I stand for?"
" What truly matters to me?"

Its quiet work, I've been doing. Meticulous and languid in the process. Some of the answers have been difficult to embrace. Others have been so easy its a bit unnerving. Mostly, its been hard work that I understand to be underlined with freedom from so many of the beliefs I held about myself and life that have brought me to where I am and require some loving readjustment. That seems to be the legacy my parents have left me. The gift of myself.

As the wind dances and the sun shines today, I think about my mother and father and grateful I am for all of the gifts they each gave me in their time here. They gave me family- I'd be lost without them. They gave me a strong sense of self and the inspiration to continue to build it up with whatever comes my way. They gave me music, laughter, stories, and love. They each gave me heartache too, and I can even see now how those times of estrangement and emotional hardship allowed my heart to grow bigger and learn how to love even deeper.

I don't know where they are now. I used to think I knew about the Great Mysteries of Life. And maybe I do...my faith is a bit shaky these days....its one of those foundation pieces I am reexamining and working to make stronger. So I take inspiration from those around me and allow them to hold the spaces open for me as I re-imagine and construct.

My friend Briana sent me this video a few months back, after a particularly teary phone conversation over the pain of losing our mothers. I am forever grateful to her and to those intrepid souls who walk alongside me in the land of grief. because the light they shine helps me to remember mine is still there, and that even if I don't know where the two pieces who made me are for certain now.....I take comfort they they may in fact.. just be everywhere now.

They are in the sound of my laughter. They are in the reflection in the mirror. They are in the songs on the radio. They are the wind. They are in the purr of the cat, as she licks my tears from my cheek. They are in the things they made me, and they are in every cell of my being... hopefully cheering me on with loving and wild abandon, saying, "That's our girl!!! Look at her go!!!"