Be they difficult, funky, uncomfortable, ecstatic, erotic, fantastic and any of the places in between. I want to sink my teeth into them all and savor the flavors that linger on my tongue.
I have spoken a lot about being in the present here of late. The reason is because I am immersed in it. The sheer contentment and excitement for who I am, and where I am right.now.
There isn't anywhere else to go. There isn't anyone else to be. This is it. And I love it.
The hurdles and challenges, be what they may, are only growing fortitude and a persevering confidence internally.
The joys add another shade of bliss, that make it easier to endure the shadows that cross my path. The people who connect with me, and even the ones who don't- all influence me in a multitude of ways both seen and unseen. Everything adds up to a collective gift that symbolizes and reinforces my purpose here.
I couldn't be more grateful. I just couldn't.
My life is amazing.
No, nothing has changed. Not obviously on the outside anyway. Inside, there have been a thousand ephiphanies realized in the last 3 months. Some are microcosmic moments of enlightenment while others have been breathtaking realizations that have physically moved me.
The questions I had been asking repeatedly over the last 6 months, have been answered. I know down to my bones that the path is true for me. There is room for growth and change. Flexibility is paramount because even though I have the major stops figured out, I am leaving plenty of room for the detours there. I look forward to openly sharing these things with you in the months to come. One step at time, one day at time.
Here are the puzzling conundrums I have been obsessing over resolving clearly:
1.)What am I supposed to do with my life?
I know absolutely that I will do these things:
Travel
Write
Teach
Have a family
Be of service
Engagement with each of these aspects will patch together my life purpose. These are the things I imagine myself doing with massive fulfillment.
2.)Am I supposed to be having a family in my 30's?
This was the hardest question to ask. But it was also the easiest one to answer once some other insights and directions made themselves known. The answer here is no. At least, I am pretty sure it is. One of the most awesome things about answering this question is the huge lift of pressure to commit to it NOW.
EXHALE.
Not until I felt it lift, did I feel the weight of what I had been carrying all this way.
When you're single lady in your thirties, not only are you constantly pressing the snooze button on the ol' biological clock, you are also trying to see where you fall into the lineup while your friends and family around you are coupling up and having babies. Other thoughts crop up and relentlessly circulate:
A.) Is this for me?
B.)I feel like I want to have a family... does that mean I want to have babies?C.)Maybe I could adopt?
D.)Or would I be ok coming into a ready-made family?
I don't know what the answer is on that multiple choice pop quiz. I do know that finally realizing I want to accomplish some other things before I have a family feels far more urgent. I don't want to have a baby- I want to scour maps and buy plane tickets. I want to immerse myself in the written words of those who have knowledge about what interests me. I want to sleep in on Saturday mornings and delight in taking my breakfast in bed. I want to swim in the deep end of this chapter of my life without worrying about pruning up. It pleases me to no end to accept that choosing the best suited option on family, can wait. I feel good about being a parent in my 40's. Imagine how much life experience I can bring to the table. Imagine how few regrets I might have.
Since reaching this conclusion, the deep desire to be in a committed relationship has all but vanished. I am happy to open myself to more casual and less serious arrangements. I have no desire to be tied down, because where I am going will require more elastic commitments in the relationship realm.
I revel in my singledom, which is a complete 180 from the side I have always walked on. I gleefully check the boxes on forms proclaiming my single status. "Yes! I am without a committed partner and I can do what I please, thankyouverymuch."
With new perspective, I look at my many coupled friends, all of whom are lovely and amazing. Their situations are also not without challenges. The grass is greener on the other side yes, but as my favorite Australian Banjo playing hottie, John Butler sings, " it's just as hard to mow." While sometimes it is a bit lonely knowing no one but my cat worries when I'll come home, it is also fantastic to do whatever I want when I want to. This liberty needs to be treasured and the pleasure of it stored up to be recalled on days years from now, when I shall long for even a quiet moment to myself to futz about on a lazy afternoon.
3.)What is my work- the kind that will bring me abundance, connection, and soul purpose?
I think I have figured this out too. It requires education, and I'll be embarking on that mission when the leaves turn. By the time I reach the end of that journey, I'll hopefully have some framed documents, and quite a few more stamps on my passport. In my 40's, the time to align my job with my soul purpose will be, knock on wood, paralleled and happily entangled. I delight in my intentions to be of service, helping to bring healing and understanding to the shifting paradigms of couples and families wherever I end up. With those intentions also comes the opportunity to finally weave in my intuitive abilities with the scientific training in a role that will hopefully not only pay the bills, but reward me with a satisfying richness I have yet to even fathom.
2013...so far..so good....it can only get better.
No comments:
Post a Comment