Mr. Obvious Called...

From a very early age, I had a sense of "do-it-all-myself". I found that depending on others was not always reliable. Oftentimes, it left me feeling disappointed. It also made me feel weak- "What do you mean I can't do it?" Whether it is lack of physical strength, or expertise, it feels like I am, in that moment where I am asking for help, admitting a secret defeat: I am not Super Woman and I can't do everything.

Mr. Obvious on line 1 - " Of course you are a super woman, but you are not Super Woman. Get over yourself".

As I am paying more attention to myself and the ways I feel vulnerable, this fiercely independent streak is noticeably challenged. It is one of the most painful, vulnerable situations for me to be in when I have to ask someone else to help me accomplish a task I cannot do all on my own. It swipes at my pride and it feels like admitting defeat when I have had to ask for assistance. Some examples:

picking plums from my tree this last Summer - I needed some tall friends, and/ or a tall ladder, but I didn't want to ask. Who wants to do that??? Plus I wanted it done rightthissecond. I didn't want to wait for anyone. Picking those plums was a silly and dangerous game of tossing a rake up in the branches and seeing how many I could knock down. I was intent on getting all of the plums I could because I was going to make jam with them. I was a virgin jam maker with no idea of what I was doing. I will admit that I certainly felt that jam tasted so sweet and awesome because I had worked so hard to procure the ingredients. It would have been so much easier and literally more fruitful, had I simply requested a helping hand from a friend.

Changing the filters in my furnace- I need to ask my landlady because I cannot for the life of me figure it out. I have studied the manuals and looked intently at the furnace itself, only to be completely baffled by where the filter actually is. I have only to text her to ask, but have I done it? Nope. And it needs to be done. But I don't want to ask, because I assume I will end up looking like an idiot for not being able to figure it out. Aren't egos a pain in the ass? Uh-huh.

putting chains on my car- Initially, I was completely paralyzed with anxiety at the thought of driving on ice and snow. Due to some perceived horrific memories in my teens, I was sure I was going to end up face first in the grill of a semi, or ditch. 3 years ago we had a wicked winter here, which forced em to admit my fears to close friends. My dear and outstanding friends, K. & J. showed me how to put chains on my car. K. had me practice in the parking lot at work, and then my drive home was one of the most exhilarating drives ever. It felt a lot like the time I "rode the bull" when we went rafting on the Deschutes River. It was a bit off-putting to admit I didn't know how to do this all by myself. The way they talked to me, and showed me what I needed to know, instilled a confidence in me that I had not known before. Now driving in the snow- no problem. I feel empowered. What took me so long???!!!

asking any of the guys at work to get a pallet of product down for me- at my new store, my back stock storage requires that I keep product on pallets, on a very high shelf. To get things down, it means that the use of a pallet jack is needed. I don't know how to drive those things. So I have to find one of the guys or the one girl who know how to expertly maneuver the machine and get me down what I need. It pains me greatly that I cannot simply get it myself with the use of a ladder. I had to face the fact that I would more than likely do more damage than good if I did try to use that thing on my own. I feel so helpless, as I stand there watching one of the men lift my pallet down. I have, reluctantly, accepted that this is simply how it is. Maybe that is a good thing, because on a weekly basis, I am without any other choice but to face those feelings of vulnerability in me. Maybe one of these days, I won't even bat an eye when faced with this issue.

relationships- in general I have noticed about myself, that I have felt solely responsible for the success/failure of the relationships. If I want to feel supported/nurtured/cared for etc, then I project that but never, ever dare ask for it myself. Because admitting that I wanted more affection/direction/fun/adventure etc. meant that it wasn't there to begin with. And asking would mean admitting defeat, and in the past it felt more important to hold onto a guy because ironically enough, I didn't want to be on my own. But Hello, Paula- Mr. Obvious called and left me a message I got a little late- you should never have to ask for those things in a truly awesome relationship- they should just be a given. And you were on your own the whole time, anyways, or didn't you know that?" Yep. Because before I always picked guys who weren't capable of being in a relationship. So sneaky, is my subconcious!!!

While I am on the topic of relationships, let me also admit that I have found it incredibly frustrating that I have always done the initiating with guys I was into. And damn it- here is the one area in my life I am finally ready to say " ok. I don't want to do it all. I want to be chased, because you know why? I am fucking worth the chase, damn it. That's why." I don't need to work so hard, on my own anymore. Rejection had s shown me that, recently. Hello Mr.Obvious on line 3- :" Get over yourself, Paula! Help a guy out by letting him be the guy."
Oh. Riiigghhht.


In the words of my beloved Spice Girls, the 90's pop icons of girl power, pop music, and platform shoes:

"who do you think you are?
Trust it, use it, prove it, groove it,
show me how good you are."

Who do we think we are? Super Woman? Every woman? A human being trying to figure it out? Worth it?
Absolutely.
Trusting in that knowledge, and using it every day to prove to ourselves that can totally groove with that.
And that's how good we are.

In the end, my discovery is this: It takes a strong person to admit their weaknesses. And that makes her a bad ass.