I'm Tired.

Inevitably if you ask how I am doing - those are the words that rush out of my mouth before you have a chance to finish asking.
Tired, tired, tired.
Fucking tired.
Tired of not being in one store. (Currently I am managing both the Raleigh Hills & Cedar Hills stores, until my position at Raleigh Hills is filled, I cannot settle into my job at Cedar Hills. It's been a month of teeter-tottering between both stores. I am almost fucking done.)
Tired of picking fucking emotionally unavailable boyfriends. Fuck. Why are these guys so numb in their hearts and why is it always seem to be my lot in life to nurure and not be nurtured back? Fuck.
Tired of feeling stuck in my moving process. I know where I am going to end up (Dave's apartment), not quite certainly or officially yet, and I don't want to hurry the process because it means saying good-bye to Dave. At the same time I am holding onto him, I am pushing harder for him to go. Go. Go. Go. ( I love him so much that more important than us staying together - is for him to figure himself out and fight the demons. I want that more than anything for him.) And then having a space of my own will be greatly beneficial to helping me find my center again. Until then, I am teeter-tottering between seperate and together. Go and stay. Joy and sorrow. Death and re-birth.
Tired of not having time to go back to the gym. Today as soon as I finish up with this entry - I am off to go work out the troubles of my head and heart on the treadmill and eliptical machine. I was going 3 or 4 times a week back in July and felt amazing - unstoppable actually. Endorphines are like crack. But then the new job opportunity came and threw me of course a bit. At least there have been walks with Nina at Gabriel Park once a week or so. I need to find a teeter totter there at the park...
Tired of not being able to sleep through the night right now.
My dreams are strange and fitful. I wake up at 2, 3, 4, and stay awake until 5 or six with all of the thoughts running around in my head. Not sleeping well makes my world feel surreal. Where is the line between asleep and awake? - it feels blurred. Teeter-tottering between night and day, light and dark, here there, yesterday, today, and tomorrow.
Teeter-totter.