Oooh la la, Paula Lu!

The Affection Connection

2012-01-20T14:41:00.000-08:00

On my night stand is a stack of books about... well.. figuring myself out. I figure each month, since I enjoy it, fully researching each dare through other's perspectives might be useful. Indeed it has been.

The other night I was reading " Life Is A Verb" by Patti Digh, and I was touched by the story " Squeeze in Next to Someone, Arm-to-Arm." It tells a story of a how one person shied away from another's persist affection, and was consequently healed by it.

Naturally, it got me thinking about myself.

It is a fact that I did not grow up in an affectionate family. My parents divorced when I was two years old, (Derrick was still in-utero). The lines were clearly drawn as a result of the split, and the two sides were like night and day. Except for the fact that neither side readily demonstrated physical endearment- that is the tie that binds.

Dad was not an affectionate man. In all honesty, it wasn't until a few years before he passed, that I would initiate a hug at the end of a visit. I was in my early twenties then, and much had transpired between us, including his hiatus from our lives for six years. From age 20, to 24, I would come for dinner to see him, my step-mom, and my other siblings a couple of times a year. It was in the moments when, the kids would scurry off to do whatever it is they would do, and my step-mother would clear the table and wash the dishes quietly in the background, that my father and I began to know each other as adults. In the cool, crisp of the evening, inevitably, my dad would walk me out to the car. We'd stand in the driveway saying our goodbyes, under those shining stars- the same stars he first showed to me hiked up onto his shoulders, when I was just a wee lass. With great courage I would throw out line, and wait for him to respond.

"I love you , Dad.", I would say quietly, holding in my breath. Every time I would say those words to him, I would suspend my breathing unknowingly, waiting...seconds felt like an eternity. Was I good enough for him to love me? Did I matter to him, his first born child? Or was a merely an afterthought in comparison to the second family he had created, and that I struggled to find my place in?

" I love you too, Paula. Drive home safe. "

My God, I loved that man. I am my father's daughter, and it is now looking back at where and who I came from, that I feel the magnitude of a girl's love for her father.It is a natural nborn love, of innocence, of acceptance, of joy and wonder.

Next month marks 8 years since he died. Every year, Derrick and I pause on that day to marvel at how quickly time has passed since we got that call at 3am, one cold, February morning. We wonder in fascination at how dramatically are lives changed, and how they continue to be impacted.

Lately, I have also begun to wonder if Dad were still alive, would he read this blog of mine? What would he reveal of himself, to his first born daughter who is by and large, far more extroverted and outgoing as either of her parents....? Then I remark to myself, that maybe I wouldn't be nearly as vivacious and exuberant had I not lost my dad at the age of 25. So much of who I became in my twenties was due greatly to the experience of having lived through the death of half of the duo that created me into being.

I feel the need to be clear about my dad here, because I am cognizant of the fact that I write about him a good deal more than I do my mother. Perhaps it is because we tend to idolize the dead a bit... and also because as a female, my father and the relationship I had with him has directly affected the romantic relationships I have been involved in. The correlation is not lost on me there...I have worked hard at remembering my father's faults and flaws, as much as I recall his brilliance and humor. He was a human being after all was said and done, and not without his own dark side and demons her surely wrestled with. I suspect he held back, and that he simply did what was modeled to him by his parents (which is to say that that side of the family lived int eh shame and slinece of a dark sexually abusive history. I sometimes wonder if my father's lack of affection was a way to protect me from it...)

My mother too, was not overtly tender, though when comparing my parents to each other, she was considerably more so. I see that her lack of easy and consistent physical closeness towards her children, was similar to Dad's genetic aversion to displays of affection. She was simply working out her own issues around loving touch based on her own childhood experiences. I have memories of my mother cuddling me and rocking me as a little girl. And it was apparent to me, even at a young age, that my mother's actions spoke loudly of adoration and love for me, even if they did not always make sense. She was easy with verbal expressions of love, and it was also in every thing she has ever made me.

Both of these people, so very different from me, each made choices in their lives that refelcted the lack of affection and close conncetion with their own parents. I see both of my parents personal sacrifices as enormous " I love yous", unspoken to me.

...where was I going with all of this? .. Oh right! Touching, affection and the connection between people and the goodness that results from such interactions...

A wall has been carefully and steadily constructed around me- my body is a physical representation of that wall. I carry my weight in my middle- where I feel most vulnerable. Part of the reason for this wall, now revealing itself to me, is the fact that I did so to keep people from touching me. There is a part of me that grew up thinking that affection wasn't for me- I wasn't deserving. (If I had deserved it, wouldn't i have received more of it?) Affection was a luxury afforded only to the thin and beautiful people of the world; to the " normal" people with " normal" childhoods. Affection was like cake- saved for special occasions.

Being touched in a loving way, meant I had to let someone close enough to do just that. To hold my hand, squeeze me in a hug, or kiss me square on the lips. Even gentle friendly caresses were hard for me to accept- almost harder because they appeared to be so familiar and commonplace. How wonderful for me, I think in gratitude, that another part of me knew that I needed all of that and more- that I deserved it- because I did attract in (and continue to do so) the most superb friends and lovers into my life, who have helped me to know just that.

Still, it has remained a challenge for me to accept the devotion that comes with connection. Even now, I still sometimes feel like a fraud when a friend reaches out to squeeze me, in a high-five, or takes my hand and holds it in kindness (it is ironic to me,knowing this about myself, that holding hands is actually one of my very favorite forms of affection. Its right up there with kissing a lover.)Within the safety of an established relationship, I am sweet, openly affectionate and I warm to touch instantly. Why has it only been in that space that I have been so?

"Hello Mr. Obvious on line 1...."

In my closest friendships, I continue to challenge myself to hug back as fiercely as I love, and to be comfortable in those every day precious moments of vulnerability.

Some years back, I recall reading an article about two, old, Italian men who were lifelong friends, in a quaint little Tuscan village. The article showed these men walking along a street, hand in hand, serious as all get out, though kindness radiated from them. The article talked about how it was quite common and openly accepted for grown men to show fondness towards each other by holding hands. My American brain wanted to throw out judgements, and yet I was so taken with the beauty of that story. What would the world be like if we were all so comfortable in our expression of affection to those we care for? How would we greet one another? How would we fight with each other?

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Pondering my willingness to look deeply at who I am and the life I have created, thus far, has me wondering about the family I may build someday. Maybe the reason for all of this introspection, boundary redefinition, and wall de-construction around who I have made myself to be as a result of my own upbringing, is so that I may pick up where my parents left off...

I want to endeavor to be half of the kind of parenting duo that cuddles with our kids in bed, in our pajamas. We will watch movies on a rainy Sunday afternoon, while eating pop tarts sprinkled with laughter. Openly declaring "I love you" so there is little doubt behind my actions or words. I want to hold hands with my child, and wonder adoringly at how their small hand fits into my larger one. I look forward to what that will feel like one day.

***********************************************************************************

As I was finishing up that chapter in " Life Is A Verb", before I went to sleep, Ellie had snuggled up on my chest. She was nestled warmly in between my body and the layers of blankets. Purring away, her eyes squinted in a doze, she kept reaching her paw out to me, then withdrawing it. She did this as if she were afraid to actually touch me. Finally, after she she reached out once more, I took her paw in my hand and just held it loosely. She purred louder and curled her claws up in the way she does when she is happy. She just wanted me to hold her hand.

It occurred to me then, that perhaps she too hesitated reaching out to me- her paw extended in love out to the person she loves. Perhaps she was holding her breath as I once did when telling my dad that I loved him...

" Am I good enough to love?" Elli asks, and then exhaling with a purr when she felt me grasp her soft little paw and answer with,

" of course you are, my Love. We are all good enough to be loved. That is the truth of who we are."

Smiling: A Weapon of Mass Destruction

2012-01-13T15:31:00.000-08:00

Recently, I became aware of a Weapon Of Mass Destruction: Smiling

Last week, a guy smiled at me, and I became supremely aware that in that moment I was witnessing who he really is. Defenses dropped, heart open, sense of humor engaged, ease of being fully recognized.

And it was like a bomb to my carefully constructed hideout.

I smiled back. I dropped my defenses and let the warmth of who I am, and the truth of it be seen.

Then the wall went back up.

Ugh....

But, what I got out of that, is that smiling is the key to shining. And the anti-serium to fear and isolation.

My yearbook teacher, Mr. Coleman used to say that it took more muscles to frown that it did to smile. Of course! Smiling should be easy and natural, because it is so.

Would we have been able to take down a terrorist with a smile? Maybe if we sat down and had a heart-to-heart. A round table discussion with the likes of Jim Gaffigan, Oprah Winfrey and Tony Robbins, and Mariyln Monroe, if she were still here.

I suspect that smiling is our own pesonalized Neon billboard that advertises to the world who we are. It is also a cleverly disguised Weapon Of Mass Destruction against fear- it's a friggin' Love Bomb meant to blow us away with the truth of who we are.

I'll be dropping love bombs like F' bomb's in the next 365.

Easy Lover

2012-01-12T14:04:00.000-08:00

www.hubimg.com

Yesterday morning, as I was standing in my bathroom, carefully applying a coat of mascara to my lashes,I received a text message. It was from my new friend/co-workers, L.
It read, " I love you Cupcake!" (Cupcake is my nickname, and what my name tag reads at work)
I immediately, without hesitation, replied back with " I love you, L.!"

The wonder and beauty of that exchange sank in.

How is it, that a person I have known less than 6 months, can so easily pronounce love for me? No guards up. No pretension. No test needed to deem myself worthy- just complete acceptance, authenticity, joy and love. This beautiful woman has a radiance about her- a light so bright that I knew instantly I wanted this person to be in my life when I first encountered her. I connect to that light, because it reflects back who I am. I can't wait to know her better, to know myself better and see what fun we can have together.

Later that day at work, I had hit a brick wall, energetically and mentally. I have been on a cleanse (which is a whole other post!) and I had hit my brick wall at day 5. I was literally quite retarded. My brain was not firing in a way that was making sense to even me. I was on shut down mode. Just as I was preparing to leave my shift early, I stopped to say "hello" to another new friend/co-worker, A. We made eye contact and smiled and without hesitation we crossed the distance between us and hugged fiercely.

" I love you. " A., said into my ear.
"I love you!" I quickly replied back.

Once again, I was struck with how easily I felt this connection of love flow between myself and another human being. How real and true it feels to love so openly. Here, like my new budding friendship with L., was another kindred connection that is based on the attraction of the light and love we see innately existing in one another. Again, I am presented with a new friendship with so much possibility/creativity/adventure. How is this possible??!!!

As usual, my mind began to wonder off to that place where I contemplate the big questions in life.

Q: Loving another person is so easy- why do we make it hard?

For years, in the relationship with my First Love, D., we had danced around declarations of love, though we did obviously love each other. In hind sight, I see it was because we were both closed-hearted, emotionally disabled, and petrified at being vulnerable enough to let another in to possibly abuse the truth of who we each were. Each of us came to the relationship table with gaping wounds and we were afraid saying " I love you" would put salt in that gash.
Whoa. That's heavy, right?

Q: Why is there such a stigma attached to saying the three words that communicate that emotion through language?

Could it be that we do not feel worthy of being loved so deeply, so purely, so adventurously? I suspect, for most human beings, this is indeed the case. There is so much we are afraid of, that we forget how easy love is.

Q: How do we as humans, communicate love without language?

I thought of my cat, and at the risk of sounding like a crazy cat lady, I flash backed to when I am snoogling with her. Ellie never opens her mouth and says " I love you", and yet, I never question whether or not she cares deeply for me. I don't have to because I can feel her endless love for me.
.
Ellie likes to lay right on my chest, over my heart. My lady humps don't always appreciate this. While I am uncomfortable with her balancing on my sternum- she is blissfully purring away and gazing adoringly at me.I look past the discomfort, and I imagine that our hearts are connecting. Perhaps what is happening in those moments is the light that lives inside my heart links up with her heart's light and together we make more love.

I think this is what happens when we hug people too.
Or when we are making love/having amazing toe-curling sex with a person.

One of my own deeply held beliefs, is that the root of who each person is- the genetic make-up of the soul- is love.

When we are born into this world as babies, that is the only thing we innately know how to do. Everything else is learned. It is our nature to love because we are love. Love is a verb and love is a noun. We lose sight of this easily and often. Fear is the opposite of love. One could not exist without the other, because it would be difficult to understand the difference. Just as dark needs light to define it.

Every day, in any given moment or situation, we are consciously or unconsciously choosing to take an action, think a thought, or feel a feeling based in love or fear. To live fearlessly every minute is impossible, because we need the fear, nipping at our ankles to remind us it is present. We must endeavor to choose past the fear, to live more fearlessly, all the while respecting it for the simple fact that it helps us to love better.

"Fall in Love" is something I wanted to put on my Dare to Bare list, this year. Quite honestly- it is at the top of the list of things that give me incredible fear and hesitation- the ultimate vulnerability, in my eyes. Falling in love is something I never, really, truly, honestly have experienced -not in the way I define True Love now. I decided that because I could not assign a time frame to that one, it was best to put it on my "Bucket List" instead. I am declaring myself open to that adventure, in a way I haven't been before.

What is intriguing to me, as I observe a shift in my being, is that I say I love you to people all of the time, easily now. To close friends, new friends, family, and even my cat. I even find myself sending love out to people I don't even know. When I am driving, for instance, that lady with the stern, mean look on her face- I send her a little beam of love. That little boy, smiling at me in the back seat- yep-he gets some love to. To that co-worker I don't know well enough yet, and looks like they could use some kindness- out goes the beam of light.

And I am still afraid, every time I say it. I keep thinking that the more I practice, the easier it will be to love and be loved. It feels like I am headed to that destination, at least.

I'm a regular Susie-Fucking-Sunshine. (No offense Suz- the name just sounded good! I Love you! :))

Holy crap, am I turning into a New Age Love Fairy?
Probably. Most of you aren't even surprised, I'll wager, to hear me ask that rhetorical question. Ha!

And hey you... yeah... YOU....

I love you. <3

The Gift of Being Wrong

2012-01-11T13:01:00.000-08:00

I just got back from seeing my doctor, who is one of my favorite people in the world. I feel fortunate to have such a wonderful realtionship with my naturpathic physicican. Today, as we met for the first time in over a month to discuss the results of a test I took in Novemeber. I was shocked by the results....
For those of you, who may not already know, I was diagnoesed with a syndorme called PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) eight years ago. There is no actual test for this syndrome, which is why it can go undetected for years. A physician basically looks at all of the symtoms, and various seperate test results to determine if that information lines up with the PCOS checklist. I had every symtom on that check list, eight years ago. Today I, was informed and saw for myself, that I no longer have any of the major symtoms that would indicate I have PCOS.

My doctor is waiting for one more test, which I may have to take over again to be sure this is the case. However, it's looking like I may have actually never had PCOS, but instead was misdiagnoesd. This is a shock to my system because for years, I identified with PCOS. This syndrome was the cause of so many malfunctions in my body. I had been told over and over that the reason my body was so prone to being over weight, was because my metabolism was greatly affected by the hormone imbalance. Now, having seen for the first time ever in my life that some of my hormones, and more specifically, my adrenals are " normal".

I wanted to cry when I saw that. I have spent countless seconds, minutes, hours of my life putting myself down, shaming, blaming, and accepting the hopelessnes that comes with having a body that works against you. I had been told for so long, that my body was making me crave the very things that were making me sicker. Every minute of my adult life, has felt like a neverending uphill battle, with the certain outcome that I can only lose.

I had to work so much harder at being mindful of what I was putting into my body. Excersing not because I found joy in it, but because that was one of my weapons against my body. I was using myself to battle against myself.

The media certainly fuled this internal war, as did the constant comparison against others, that happnes so often it doesn'[t even register.

Until now.

Be True To Myself. In the days that have followed since I launched this project of vulnerability, I have been contemplating this dare every day. The ways in which the questionand answer show up on a daily basis is surprising, difficult, rewarding, and full of insight.

What are the ways I keep myself from being my truest self? My body image is a big one. Its hard for me to talk about, most of the time, because I feel like no one really gets it. But I know they do. Because, in comparison, I am not that different from you. Or that guy sitting across from me right now, at the librabry (where I have to use the computer because my Beloved Mac finally bit the dust...). He like me, mosre than likely shares the same beleifs I have about myself. Whcih are:

I am not enough.
I don't measure up.
I am too plump.
Too outspoken.
Not clever enough.
I am ireesponsible with my money.
I am too messy and unorganized.
I curse too much.
I am not flirty enough.
I am too serious.
I tell good jokes, poorly.
The list goes on, and I am really keeping it surface level today because I am afraid to go deeper right now.

So... now that I have digressed (what else is new?)
I no longer see myself as the plump and pretty girl who has PCOS. I no longer see myself as the woman who has to work harder than my peers to accomplish the loss of the extra 50Lbs I carry.

Now, I see for the first time ever, that I am "normal". I am plump because I have been so afraid of being me- the real me- for fear I still wouldn't be enough. Shaming ourselves has become a natural part of life, and that makes my sad. I have been observing my own feelings around shame and how I do it. Just the other morning, I observed that before I even got out of bed to start my day upon waking, I had 10plus negative thoughts. Before my feet even hit the floor!!!!

My body is the number one thing my Inner Critic uses to hurt me. It is my weak point, one of my truest vulnerabilities. The Critic's negative internal chatter has been a constant. It began when I was 9 years old, I was aperfectly healthy ahppy little girl who was on the verge of adolescenes. One afternoon, I was in my paternal granmother's kitchen, waiting for her to fixz me lunch as she often did when I would visit. I sat in my favorite chair and waited patiently for the meal I knew was made with all the love in my grandmother's heart.
On this day though, she stopped what she was doing and looked at me, and poked me in the tummy and said " You're fat."
I had never, up to that point expereinced low-self esteem. I liked who I was. I enjoyed being me and the body that allowed me to run, ride bikes, and play on the playground. Until that moment, I had not once thought of myself as not being good enough.

Suddenly, with one comment, the Inner Critic set up residence in my head and has enjoyed her stay.

Thats a tough load to carry. My Inner Critic is cruel and spares no means of malice to cut me down. If my grandmother, who surely loved me the best she knew how, could hurt me, why not myself?

"I'm doing you a favor, trust me! I am taking you down so low and far, that no one else could ever come close to hurting you so proficiently. Isn't that nice and considerate of me? I am doing all of this for your own good- to PROTECT you."

Whoa.

Do you hear that crap? That is a mindfuck if I ever heard one. I am a smart cookie, and I would not tolerate that treatment from anyone else- so why have I allowed it to go on for so long?

Because the bottomline is I don't beleive I am worthy- of love, success,or abundance.

Thank God what I know and what I beleive differ.
I know that I absolutely deserve I am worthy of all of those things and more.

Having a new look at my health and my body, feels like the most amazing, precious gift anyone could have given me. Because I see now that I am just plump because I literally choose to put myself up on an island with thick walls. My body isn't working against me, and in fact is totally on my team. Its that damn Critic who has been ruling the roost for too long that has helped with the wall building.

I am over that bullshit. Being true to myself means recognizing that I can do the things I want to do. All things are possible and it is no longer necessary to continue to wage an imaginary war inside me.

How Deep is Your Love

2012-01-10T15:26:00.000-08:00

I have always loved this song, and lately have taken it on as a kind of love song to my own self. Being that I am working to discover the ways in which I am true to myself, and owning that Love is who I am at the core, it seems appropriate to then ask myself, " How Deep is Your Love?"
How deep is your love
How deep is your love
I really need to learn
'Cause we're living in a world of fools
Breakin’ us down
When they all should let us be
We belong to you and me

I believe in you
You know the door to my very soul
You're the light in my deepest, darkest hour
You're my saviour when I fall
And you may not think I care for you
When you know down inside
That I really do

And it's me you need to show
How deep is your love?
How deep is your love
How deep is your love
I really need to learn
'Cause we're living in a world of fools
Breakin’ us down
When they all should let us be
We belong to you and me
Groovy video follows. Coincidence that this song came out the year I was born? Hmmm....

http://youtu.be/NpqmGx7meQw

Birthright

2012-01-09T15:23:00.000-08:00

" We often block our own blessings because we don't feel inherently good enough or smart enough or pretty enough...You are worthy because you were born& because you are here. You're being here, your being alive makes worthiness your birthright."
~Oprah Winfrey

How Am I Not Myself?

2012-01-07T08:34:00.000-08:00

From the moment this Dare to Bare -"Be True To Myself" was chosen, a line from one of my favorite movies began looping inside me.

As one who prides herself on being honest, authentic, and the "real deal", I had to stop and ask, how am I not being true to myself? Aren't I always being true to myself? Nope. We tell ourselves big and small lies everyday. I am still discovering what some of those are....

"How am I NOT myself? How am I not MYSELF??"....

Soul Safari

2012-01-04T13:59:00.000-08:00

http://travellingboots.files.wordpress.com

I want to be a thrillseeker inside my own being- to explore the inner terrain & landscape with wild abandon, curiosity and respect.
I want to go on safari in my soul.

Let's Talk About Sex

2012-01-03T20:26:00.000-08:00

Got your attention, didn't I? Ha ha ha. Sex sells people. It always will.

But, I'm not selling anything- I'll give you my truth for free. And this truth is about sex. In keeping with this month's first Dare to Bare- " Be True To Myself", I am looking deeply, curiously, and unabashedly at all parts of myself in order to uncover where I am not being truthful. The first place on our map of destinations is my 2nd chakra, home of sexuality and creativity. These two things go hand in hand, if you think about it. Creativity will have to be a topic for another time. I said I was going balls to the wall (that actually has nothing to do with sex, btw- its an expression pilots use pertaining to flying. But ya know, if you're like me you also appreciate a good innuendo). Being vulnerable means getting down to the nitty-gritty and shining light on it, so that it no longer lives in the dark.
(Mom, Grandma- you may want to skip reading this post altogether. :) You have been warned!)

Today, I want to talk about sex.
I am about to get really vulnerable and talk about sex.
More specifically, my own sexuality and love life.
Or lack there of.

*deep breath*

So here's the first bomb- I'll just drop it and get out of the way, and into the very public and open space that is BlogLand....

I haven't had sex in two years.
Yep.
Uh-huh.
Yes.
Two years.
Count them- one, two.
no sex for dos anos.
mmmhmmm...

www.saharamet.com

The first question you must surely have is "How can you do that? I can't go (insert amount of time) without sex."

Being without sex hasn't always been easy. It hasn't always been hard either.(Insert joke here). I certainly didn't think I would be celibate for as long as I have been-it just kind of happened. After my last relationship, I was left feeling pretty gutted. 50% of the responsibility of inflicting that wound, I put on myself. The last 4 years that I have been single, I have put myself back together and done some introspective healing. The majority of my recovery time left me feeling quite vulnerable and defensive. Over the course of the last 2 years, I had offers- I just choose to pass them up. Also, along the way, though rare, where occasions where I actually felt attracted to a few guys I became acquainted with. Looking back, I am grateful it never went anywhere, because what I was attracted to was their unavailability. It was a lot easier to play it safe, when I was more likely to be rejected than accepted.

I faced the truth this week and it is this: I haven't had sex in 2 years because I am afraid of myself. More specifically- I am afraid of being vulnerable enough to let a guy in to see the more intimate parts of who I am. I am terrified that if I let a guy in close enough to have sex with me- I'll be deeply wounded again.I had to take responsibility and own that the lack of nookie in my life was mostly because I had almost completely shut down to the opposite sex. Other issues around body image & worthiness tried to creep in, but I know those root back to the main truth.

What stops me from shutting down sexually totally (and thankfully so), is the fact that I am a very sexual person. I am usually the first one to think a dirty thought when someone leaves a comment wide open for interpretation. As an intuitive, I am tuned into the Sex Channel which means that I often glimpse intimate, sexual moments of people at random. Sex is something that, in most aspects, I am very comfortable with. Except, it would seem, when it comes to getting some of it myself. That needs to change. I need to get laid. Not just for the sake of ending a dry spell in my life, but to allow myself the gift of passion. To share in those feelings that make you feel alive when you are connecting so deeply, authentically and pleasurably with a trusted lover. The fact that I am not getting any, doesn't mean I'm not human and don't have needs. Hell yeah I do! I love sex. A lot. And when I am in a relationship-I want to have it-a lot.
I'm not the kind of girl who is good at the "Wham, bam, thank you Sir" kind of interaction. Not that I haven't tried. When I have indulged in that behavior, it usually leaves me feeling less than what I went in for. The bottom line: life is too short for crappy sex. What I know about me is that in order to enjoy sex with a guy, I have to feel an intense connection to him instantly. If it's not there- I don't care how hot, funny, successful, kind, talented, or smart you are- I can't fake the kind of chemistry I require. I don't want to fake anything when it comes to sexy time.Ever. The attraction needs to be fully present, mutual and genuine. That is what turns me on the most.

In my opinion, sex only starts to get good once you know someone better. All of those little personality quirks serve as extra stimuli. Which is why one can be sitting across the table from someone one is intensely attracted too, and want to jump them because the of way they said the words "Battlestar Galactica". (Conversely, these words can also, in the right set of circumstances, be what makes one run screaming in the other direction. Just sayin.)

Human sexuality is a fascinating subject, wouldn't you agree? One might observe that we are driven by our biology as well as our emotions, when it comes to the having of sexy time. We are curious, by default, about who is having sex with whom, who isn't having it with whom,and how much sex we could/should/would have. We compare and contrast our own sex lives with people we meet, subconsciously. There is a desire to be accepted as "normal", and media and pop culture would have us believe that "normal" is getting down with the horizontal mambo like rabbits do. Biology equips us with hard wiring to think about sex, and again the media and our culture perpetuate this phenomenon (guys- don't be fooled- women think about sex just as much as you do, if not more sometimes). In fact, everything we do- is driven by the hopeful possibility to share in carnal knowledge every waking minute of the day.
Brushing your teeth- who wants to make out with someone who has bad breath? Fresh breath is attractive and conducive to sexy time.
The car you drive? Its a little neon sign that reads " Hey Look at me! I have it going on! Wanna go for a ride?" (cars can also indicate what you DON'T have going on, if there is a pronounced insecurity...Just sayin').
The shirt your wearing? Does it match your eyes, or show off parts of your physique that you want to be noticed in order to be found attractive, which will lead to bumping uglies?
Yep.
Spot-on.
Think about all of the things you do in which you are putting up your "open for business time" sign up. Yep. We all do it to do It!

Or, we put out mixed signals.
I think that has been my problem the last couple of years. The closed signs have been up for longer than they needed to be. Suddenly, I have realized, it is time to reawaken. Wake up sleepy libido!Time is a- wasting! That being said, I am not desperate by any means. My intention is that by being vulnerable, I will shift the kinds of relationships that I attract into my life. Its time to come out and play! Now, I just need to attract in a guy who:
a.)finds me mutually attractive
b.)is emotionally available for a relationship
c.)who wants to have sexy time on the regular
d.)likes to have fun and can bring a sense of lightness and adventure into my world

I feel the need to make a side note regarding marriage and babies- yes, I do want these things someday. I am not in a big rush. If those events are meant to happen for me, they will. I trust that. I don't want to spend my time worrying about the what-if's. I want to live deliciously in the now!

In the now, I am 33. Many of you reading this, are very aware of what it means for a woman to be in her 30's- she is at the peak of her sexuality. It's a mountain the majority of us have been trying to summit for a at least a decade, if not more.

Reaching the top of that mountain, is such a reward. And oh how we desire to be rewarded!!! For many women in our thirties, those insecurities we carried about our bodies have given way to something much richer, riper, and randier. We no longer care as much (though we do still care a little) about what we look like when we are in the throes of passion. We care less about our _____ being too big/small/pale/jiggly- whatever. We, and I speak for most of us, though keeping mind we all have days where we just don't feel our best, enjoy getting down for the sake of getting down. We enjoy making love for how connected to our partners it makes us feel. We want to get it on for the joy and aliveness the Big O's bring us. "Making sweet love down by the fire" reminds us that we feel loved, confident, and empowered. We feel lucky to have gotten to the top of the mountain.

Bomb shell # 2- I was 22, barely 22, when I lost my virginity.
Oh, it was 11 years just last week! How time flies!) Back then, I waited for numerous reasons- though basically it was because I was sexually intimidated and scared at letting a guy get close to me ( that sounds a little familiar...hello childhood wounds and Daddy issues!) The guy who took my V- Card, was someone I had known for years. We were friends who flirted, i.e. sometimes made out, in a drunken stupor in front of our mutual friends- when he wasn't with his girlfriend, or current flavor of the month. I identified myself as " The Virgin" amongst our friends, then. That was my novelty. I was the last one to do the deed. True story.

In a sense, I feel like a born again virgin 11 years later. This time around, I actually am extremely sexually confident, playful, and easy-going. I have different hang-ups and am not nearly as inhibited as in my 20's. Thank the Sweet Baby Jesus. Can I get an Amen??? I am also not interested in dating an alcoholic-womanizing cad who is old enough to know better. In fact- I'd like to date someone my age, or younger to experience something else. I am curious to experience dating a guy who is on the same frequency as I am on. That is such a departure from all of the guys I usually date- them being 9- 12 years older than me. I am not sure what that looks like, and trust me when I say I will know it when I feel it.

Someday, I hope to have to have sex again. God knows its not a good sign when your doctor is highly suggesting you get busy, for your own sanity. True story. I got a little wired and out of control about a month ago due to an amazingly powerful and unexpected attraction to a guy I hardly know. I swear, there were moments when if he just looked at me the right/wrong way, I would have imploded! It was baaaaddd and I was kind of a wreck! I had reached the point where nothing- and I do mean NOTHING- was helping. My doctor was taking my pulse and asked me to stick out my tongue before an acupuncture session one day, when she said,
"Ok what is going on with you? Your heart is beating erratically. Your tongue is funky and your chi is out of whack."
I had been trying hard to conceal the storm raging inside me- my passion had been awakened and it did not know what to do with itself. The jig was up.Time to fess up and face the truth.
" Uh...wellll... I kind of have a raging crush on someone and I am conflicted, confused, and frustrated over it. I haven't been with anyone since my ex and I tried dating again a few years ago, and well... I feel like I am going a little insane!"
She and I had a great conversation about how sex ties into our health. She also counseled me about the raging crush situation, and gave some sage advice I am still chewing on. I felt better for saying things out loud, after internalizing them for weeks. It also became apparent that this new attraction, had sparked my hormones into overdrive after being dormant for too long. My doctor had to medicate me with additional supplements just so I could think and breathe. Thankfully, I am over that hump, as it were. For now. But hey - that could change any day, hopefully.It's looooonnngg overdue now. So bring it, Universe! Bring it ONNNNN!

Vulnerability leads to openness of heart (amongst other things) and that leads to intimacy which leads to Sweet, Sweet, Sexy Time with a guy I genuinely dig. He'll need to pursue me respectfully, playfully, and honestly. He'll be the kind of guy who will bring a sweetness, sensuality, and fun into my life. He will also be honored to know I "picked" him, and see that for the awesome gift it is.

And he will be handsomely rewarded. Hee hee heee.....

So there it is. More than you probably wanted to know about me. Its frightening for me to put this information about myself out here for people to read.Talking about my own sex life so freely here is a bit unnerving. The part of me that is scared, worries that I will be judged negatively, pitied or made to feel like a freak of nature. However, the timid parts of myself are being forced out of the driver's seat, and I am taking this show on the road. The point of this months dare is to be true to myself in a vulnerable way, afterall. I have most certainly begun that dare with this post. I wonder where this will lead....

It's all part of the journey- owning the truth about why I have denied myself for as long as I have and getting comfortable with feeling a bit rusty and awkward. It's like riding a bike though- you never forget- which is what I need to remember. Sex in and of itself, is a deeply personal journey of self-discovery and intimate communion. Sex is an on-going education with a life-long learning curve. It is powerful to embrace the knowledge that comes from learning about what turns you on, what doesn't, and where your heart fits into all of that. And great sex, in my humble opinion, should include the heart.
And sometimes, fuzzy handcuffs, if they are handy.

Is it just me, or is it it getting hot in here??

Say What You Want

2012-01-02T09:11:00.000-08:00

"Vulnerability is one of the last things we share with people, yet one of the first things they try to recognize."
~Dallas Clayton

When I came home last night, after a long day of inventory at work, the winds were whipping up around the cottage like I have never seen. It does tend to get windy up here on the hill, but last night I went to bed feeling a bit nervous.

These were, I knew instinctively, the New Year Winds Of Change. When one asks for change in their life- they deliver. Much like invoking Kali, the Hindu Goddess of destruction, one must be sure and open about exactly what they are inviting in. Because from destruction, something new is born. The new cannot be created until what was, has been eliminated from the path.

As I layed in my warm, cozy, comfortable bed, listening the the wind snap branches against the strong, sturdy little cottage, I started to worry. The cottage is surrounded by huge, tall, trees- what if one fell onto the cottage when I was sleeping? What if I was injured? Or worse yet- what if I met an unfortunate end?

"Paula- get a grip, girl! You are safe and you are fine. And hey if its your time to go- its your time to go and there is no negotiating that. Chillax and rest in the knowledge that the Universe has your back."

This morning, in the light, I connected that fear of the wind with the fear of being open to vulnerability. What I am doing is some brave stuff. Being courageous in life, doesn't mean that fear isn't present. It just means that there are times when you have to give the fear that threatens to take hold, the middle finger and take the higher road, and do what you are called to do.

We never know when our time is actually going to be up. Waking up to be able to take another deep breath, to stretch the legs, and drink in the sights of what it means to live this life- well that is a gift. One I want to receive with wild abandon and share with anyone who wants to accept it.

"Cuz this life is too short to live it just for you
But when you feel so powerless what are you gonna do
So say what you want
Say what you want"
~Nellie Furtado "Powerless"

*BTW, readers, I don't post every entry on FB. I just post the ones that I want to have a bit more exposure.(tomorrows post is the one that is making me nervous! Stay tuned...) By no means do I believe that everyone will or does read about me and the extremely interesting details of my life all of the time. However, for those who are interested in sharing the complete journey, I wanted to point out that one can follow my blog by subscribing. Did you know you can subscribe anonymously? Yep. So if you just want to live vicariously and in a voyeuristic manner- that dream can be yours too. Check out the "Google Follower" button to the right here, under my picture. It will prompt you to sign in, and then choose whether you want to follow publicly or privately. Thanks for reading! <3

"Are You Brave Enough To Let Me See Your Peacock?"

2011-12-29T14:34:00.001-08:00

This is the question Katy Perry asks on her song, Peacock. And the question I am posing to myself, on this New Year's Eve.

The last couple of days, I have been writing, in advance, a few posts related to January's Dare to Bare- Be True To Myself. I am really going for it! Just yesterday morning, after writing an intensly personal entry I had to ask myself- "Did I really just write that? Am I sure I want to reveal that? That is not not something people talk about everyday- though they are definitely thinking about it. And once I put that out into the world- people will associate me with that- at least for awhile. Sooo are you certain?"

Yes. I am. I don't want to hold onto any shame, embarrassment, or fear. Those are the labels on the bricks of my wall of protection. Truth is a sledgehammer to that wall and I am ready to demolish it.

"I think vulnerability is telling the truth.It's being brave enough to reveal our true self, without doing all of those things we do to try to look good, to conceal our imperfections, to make ourselves seem like we have it all together."
~Andrea Scher from her interview with Brene Brown

Researching the Peacock, and adopting it as my totem animal for January 2012, I connected with a few things:
peacocks symbolize compassionate watchfulness and resurrection
integrity of self
the beauty that can be achieved when we endeavor to show our true colors
the reminder that by shedding the feathers of our past, we can take back the beauty of our individuality

So Happy New Year to one and all. I wish you courage, compassion, and fun in all you do. May we all be inspired to be all that we are and brave enough to let the world see our peacocks!

Dare to Bare - The List for 2012

2011-12-26T13:43:00.000-08:00

Let's get vulnerable.
And by let's - I mean me.

Anticipation of how embarking on such an extraordinary and petrifying challenge for the next 365 days will change me, is what I think about the most.
How will who I am evolve as I allow myself to uncover the fear, that I feel, keeps me from being as open to life as I possibly can?

Thanks to readers & friends who sent me their dare suggestions (dares are identified with a *). The rest, are challenges that I thought carefully about. Don't be fooled- these may seem silly or easy but in truth I am absolutely terrified to attempt them all. Rest assured there is a story behind each one and why it gives me pause. If it resonated a sense of terror and paralyzed me with fear as well as a sense of wonder and curiosity- I added it to the list.Its interesting to me that a lot of my dares are physical activities and a theme is emerging. The theme seems to center around being physically present in my body, and embracing the form I am in. Interesting....

I have outlined the Dares of Vulnerability by designating a dare for each month. This may be subject to change if unforeseen circumstances cause me to move some dares around. I do plan to chronicle each dare, here on this blog. I hope you will stay tuned and join me on what is possibly going to be the most revolutionary year of my life to date. (That's a terribly long sentence, isn't it....LOL)I promise pictures, and as always absolute honesty.

January- Be True To Myself*
February- Ski
March- Take a dance class
April- roller skate
May- take a bus ride adventure*
June- get a tattoo*
July-nude bathing at a hot spring*
August- sky dive
September- Speed Dating*
October- volunteer
November-be open to feedback
December-wear a red dress to a party

Truthfully there a few more dares I have not listed, and they are private bonuses, if I accomplish them. If I do, you'll be sure to hear about them. I felt they were simply, yes, believe it or not, too personal to share so publicly.

In the wise words of one of my favorite Hip Hop artists, DJ Quick, " We've got to change da game."

Mmm hmm.. I KNOW that's right!

and then she remebered everything always turns out just fine.

2011-12-13T19:40:00.000-08:00

Today is the last day of the retrograde for 2011.
I for one feel blessed (even though it felt a little rough) to have faced some stuff that surfaced.

Yeah, its sucks to have your ego bruised, but we all know I have been through muuuuccchh worse. I am not afraid to get back on the horse.

My Dare to Bare list for 2012 is coming right along, and I am immensely excited to reveal it in a few weeks. 2012 is going to be an Magical year- of this I am quite certain.

A little shout out to all of the kind words that friends have sent me over the last day or so. It feels so wonderful to have the kind of people in my life who remind me that I am loved, perfect just the way I am and that what I am deserving of does exhist and it will find me.

Mr. Obvious Called...

2011-12-10T19:28:00.000-08:00

From a very early age, I had a sense of "do-it-all-myself". I found that depending on others was not always reliable. Oftentimes, it left me feeling disappointed. It also made me feel weak- "What do you mean I can't do it?" Whether it is lack of physical strength, or expertise, it feels like I am, in that moment where I am asking for help, admitting a secret defeat: I am not Super Woman and I can't do everything.

Mr. Obvious on line 1 - " Of course you are a super woman, but you are not Super Woman. Get over yourself".

As I am paying more attention to myself and the ways I feel vulnerable, this fiercely independent streak is noticeably challenged. It is one of the most painful, vulnerable situations for me to be in when I have to ask someone else to help me accomplish a task I cannot do all on my own. It swipes at my pride and it feels like admitting defeat when I have had to ask for assistance. Some examples:

picking plums from my tree this last Summer - I needed some tall friends, and/ or a tall ladder, but I didn't want to ask. Who wants to do that??? Plus I wanted it done rightthissecond. I didn't want to wait for anyone. Picking those plums was a silly and dangerous game of tossing a rake up in the branches and seeing how many I could knock down. I was intent on getting all of the plums I could because I was going to make jam with them. I was a virgin jam maker with no idea of what I was doing. I will admit that I certainly felt that jam tasted so sweet and awesome because I had worked so hard to procure the ingredients. It would have been so much easier and literally more fruitful, had I simply requested a helping hand from a friend.

Changing the filters in my furnace- I need to ask my landlady because I cannot for the life of me figure it out. I have studied the manuals and looked intently at the furnace itself, only to be completely baffled by where the filter actually is. I have only to text her to ask, but have I done it? Nope. And it needs to be done. But I don't want to ask, because I assume I will end up looking like an idiot for not being able to figure it out. Aren't egos a pain in the ass? Uh-huh.

putting chains on my car- Initially, I was completely paralyzed with anxiety at the thought of driving on ice and snow. Due to some perceived horrific memories in my teens, I was sure I was going to end up face first in the grill of a semi, or ditch. 3 years ago we had a wicked winter here, which forced em to admit my fears to close friends. My dear and outstanding friends, K. & J. showed me how to put chains on my car. K. had me practice in the parking lot at work, and then my drive home was one of the most exhilarating drives ever. It felt a lot like the time I "rode the bull" when we went rafting on the Deschutes River. It was a bit off-putting to admit I didn't know how to do this all by myself. The way they talked to me, and showed me what I needed to know, instilled a confidence in me that I had not known before. Now driving in the snow- no problem. I feel empowered. What took me so long???!!!

asking any of the guys at work to get a pallet of product down for me- at my new store, my back stock storage requires that I keep product on pallets, on a very high shelf. To get things down, it means that the use of a pallet jack is needed. I don't know how to drive those things. So I have to find one of the guys or the one girl who know how to expertly maneuver the machine and get me down what I need. It pains me greatly that I cannot simply get it myself with the use of a ladder. I had to face the fact that I would more than likely do more damage than good if I did try to use that thing on my own. I feel so helpless, as I stand there watching one of the men lift my pallet down. I have, reluctantly, accepted that this is simply how it is. Maybe that is a good thing, because on a weekly basis, I am without any other choice but to face those feelings of vulnerability in me. Maybe one of these days, I won't even bat an eye when faced with this issue.

relationships- in general I have noticed about myself, that I have felt solely responsible for the success/failure of the relationships. If I want to feel supported/nurtured/cared for etc, then I project that but never, ever dare ask for it myself. Because admitting that I wanted more affection/direction/fun/adventure etc. meant that it wasn't there to begin with. And asking would mean admitting defeat, and in the past it felt more important to hold onto a guy because ironically enough, I didn't want to be on my own. But Hello, Paula- Mr. Obvious called and left me a message I got a little late- you should never have to ask for those things in a truly awesome relationship- they should just be a given. And you were on your own the whole time, anyways, or didn't you know that?" Yep. Because before I always picked guys who weren't capable of being in a relationship. So sneaky, is my subconcious!!!

While I am on the topic of relationships, let me also admit that I have found it incredibly frustrating that I have always done the initiating with guys I was into. And damn it- here is the one area in my life I am finally ready to say " ok. I don't want to do it all. I want to be chased, because you know why? I am fucking worth the chase, damn it. That's why." I don't need to work so hard, on my own anymore. Rejection had s shown me that, recently. Hello Mr.Obvious on line 3- :" Get over yourself, Paula! Help a guy out by letting him be the guy."
Oh. Riiigghhht.

In the words of my beloved Spice Girls, the 90's pop icons of girl power, pop music, and platform shoes:

"who do you think you are?
Trust it, use it, prove it, groove it,
show me how good you are."

Who do we think we are? Super Woman? Every woman? A human being trying to figure it out? Worth it?
Absolutely.
Trusting in that knowledge, and using it every day to prove to ourselves that can totally groove with that.
And that's how good we are.

In the end, my discovery is this: It takes a strong person to admit their weaknesses. And that makes her a bad ass.

I Dare You To Dare Me

2011-12-06T17:26:00.000-08:00

I usually am the most intuitively plugged in the shower and when I am driving. Something about being on autopilot allows me to transcend space and time and be open to receiving information about my life or people in it.

Tonight, was one such drive home. An idea began to take shape, as I was reflecting on a conversation a friend and I had just had at work. The gist of it was that she was really encouraging me to step out of my comfort zone, where some areas of my life are concerned. And the thought of doing so makes me tremble inside, and want to run screaming in the opposite direction. I so good at acting boldly and passionately when I want something. When it means making myself vulnerable to judgment- well the fear can really kick my ass. Sometimes I do it anyway, and chide myself in hindsight. And other times I think, " That felt so awesome- why didn't I do that sooner??!!!"

What you resist persists- and so I thought why not run towards the awkward and scary? The idea being birthed, is a culmination of inspiration- from a fellow blogger who listed a resolution for every month of the year fro 2011, and another fellow blogger and little sister of one of my best friends (Yes Miss Brooke- that would be you!) to step out side of the confines of the world as I know it, and challenge myself to stretch who I am, who I think I am, and who I want to be.
The desire to be more approachable, less intimidating and to live more in the gray instead of either black or white is up on the agenda. And it scares the crap out of me. That's how I know its a good idea. The end result will hopefully find me more open, approachable, and with some new people in my life.

So- what are those things that scare me? I have to really sit and contemplate that question. I do know that I want help from the outside world, in suggesting tasks and adventures for me to embark on. I want to create 6 on my own, and I want you dear reader, to also dare me to do something that scares the crap out of me. Nothing too outrageous (I am not hitchhiking across the country), and let's keep it legal. I am dying to know what adventure you think I should take on.

I want to feel the way I did when I was on the plane at JFK, headed to Egypt ALL BY MYSELF. I knew no one where I was going and I had absolutely no idea what awaited my on the other side. That whole trip was a big, giant DARE to myself and upon its completion- I felt so connected, and open, and in love with myself. I want some more of that.

Over the next couple of weeks, it is my intention to choose six goals on my own, and 6 goals from my readers. In the first week of January 2012, I will reveal my own Scary Dare List. I was serious when I wrote about being more vulnerable in my life. I have stayed too long in the comfort of what is familiar.

So go ahead- throw out those ideas! Comment on FB, send me an email, a text whatever. I truly want to hear from you.

As I was putting the finishing touches on my head for this idea on my drive home, this song came on and just seemed so appropriate. I don't why. Something about the urgency to make a move. Yeah. I need to get out there and shake my bacon! I don't have all of my life. I am not here for a long time- I am here for a good time!

Mistletoe, Chestnuts, & A Little Snow

2011-12-05T09:35:00.000-08:00

It's Dec 5th, and I am trying to get my Christmas Spirit on. I haven't gotten my tree yet, but I did manage to cut some Cedar, Pine, and Laurel branches and decorated the mantle.

I found my vintage plug-in Santa, but he needs a new bulb. Next week, I plan on procuring that most necessary of Yuletide decorations- the Christmas Tree. I need a few new strands of twinkle lights, a cozy fire, and lil' sumpthin' sumpthin' for my hot chocolate.

Oh and some Christmas tunes. It dawned on me, that over the many years of writing this blog, I have never really written about Christmas. So I decided I would compile a list of my favorite songs that always jingle my bells.

10.) The Bell That Couldn't Jingle - Herb Albert
My dad introduced this song to me in my childhood, and I loved it from the first.

9.) Baby It's Cold Outside- Leon Radbone & Zooey Dechanel formt eh Elf Soundtrack
I like the idea of a sweet seduction scene with a little humor on a cold, cozy night

8.)The Christmas Song- Hootie & The Blowfish
The acoustic sound along with the smoothness of lead singer, Darius Rucker's voice really does it for me

7.)Oi To The World- No Doubt
Because this doesn't sound like a traditional Christmas song- I kind of dig it.

6.) Last Christmas- Wham!
Maybe it's because I have spent many a Christmas really feeling this song, that I have such an appreciation for it. That and the sweet 80's sounds! These days, I don't identify with the feelings of the song, but its hard not to sing along

5.)Celebrate Me Home- Kenny Loggins
Another song that makes me think of my dad, because not only did he include it on every Christmas tape he made, but on the one he made me a few months before he died seemed to have more meaning for me.

4.) Sleighride- TLC
It's 90's hip -hop at its best in this TLC infused Christmas original. Love that sweet beat!

3.)St. Patrick's Day- John Mayer
It seems that somehow in Christmas Eve, I end up half- drunk on wine, wrapping presents and listening to this song on repeat. When snow first dusts the ground, the first verse of this song plays on loop.

2.) Mistletoe- Justin Bieber
Ok, so this year, I fell hard for this song. Its so sweet and romantic. And sung by a 17 year old. Its mellowness works its way into your head and heart and before you know it, you're longing for a little mistletoe action yourself....

1.) The Christmas Song- Nat King Cole
that voice, those first notes and instantly no matter where you are or what you are doing- it's Christmas. This is my favorite and its classic.

Personal New Year

2011-11-30T19:02:00.000-08:00

Personal New Year Resolutions on this 33rd birthday:
be open- in your heart, in your mind, in your body.
be not afraid- because being open, means being vulnerable. You've been hurt before, and I guarantee you will be again. That isn't the focus. The focal point is allowing yourself to be totally, completely open. To make a fool of your self over a boy who doesn't get you, knowing that one day- another boy will. It means working through a fog, and keeping your eyes on the Light in times of uncertainty. It means being naked and letting the walls you have put up, come down. It means allowing real connection to unfold, instead of being carried away by your won passions, so hastily.

It means taking chances everyday with the words you speak, the actions you take and the thoughts you think.

It means trusting yourself.

It means loving the situations, unconditionally.
Even when you doubt yourself. Even when its hard.
Especially when it s hard.

Because I promise, dear Self, you are the only one keeping track of the failure points. To those around you, you appear to be fabulous, smart, sexy, spiritually plugged in, quirky, funny, wise, beautiful, cute, passionate, silly, and wonderful.

The world wouldn't be what it is without your energy in it- don't ever for a minute think you don't have a place in it.

Be open. Let it in and be not afraid, Little One.

Take this year to kick some ass inside your head, expand your heart space, and get back up every time you feel you have been knocked down.

I promise you that this is where your year of Magical Thinking begins.

Loving you.

Your Self <3

Open Heart Surgery

2011-11-27T21:36:00.000-08:00

crack the ribs
expand the space around my chest
open the heart

its ok to let go- of those stories you tell yourself. Scrape them out.
Remove the fear, so that the truth may reign supreme.
every block- real and imagined; large and small is lifted out to free the flow of lifeforce.
tap in.
stay here- right here.

there will be no scars, only delicious freedom of choice. To open fully into the lightness.
Like you have never known.

Stop it.
I can feel your mind wandering over to the "What If's???" That is not a place where Love lives.
come back. Yes, good that's right.
for you.

no stitches. It's a speedy recovery, because you have been healed all this time.
you just weren't ready to see that your heart is as open as a prairie- endless, light-filled, sweet-smelling, and welcoming.

Let it in and be not afraid, Little One.

That time is over.
Now is now.

Open to the joy that awaits you....

Strength in Vulnerability

2011-11-26T14:03:00.000-08:00

One of my best friends just left me a voicemail, recounting a dream she had about me last night.

She said that I was hosting a gathering at my house, and I was there with my sweetie. She said she couldn't see his face too well, but that he was tall with dark hair.

And she was talking to me about being with him, and I said to her:

"I came to this absolute truth & realization within myself that I wasn't allowing myself to be really, truly vulnerable.
And it wasn't until I decided myself to be very vulnerable, that I met him".

It is not terribly surprising to hear this, and yet it is exactly what I needed to hear.
I have been in this place lately where, now having come out totally under the weight of the last relationship, and have been ready to embark on my next romantic adventure, that the questions of how, when, who, and why have surfaced. Also surfacing, is the feeling that I have been struck with the feeling that I am about to experience the unexpected. Stumbling around in a dark, semi-familiar room, trying to find the light switch to turn on the lights. To illuminate what I am surrounded by.

So what does it mean to be truly vulnerable? To be transparent? I fight that sometimes, because my face highlights what ever my emotions are at any given moment. I was never any good at poker, because it feels impossible to hide the truth of my feelings. But lately, I have been wearing my poker face a lot. Its hard work, and it feels heavy and fake. I just want to be myself.

But then I worry. I worry about what people will say or think. I worry about the differences and the similarities. I worry it will hurt and it will break my heart. I worry it will be fun and wonderful, and magical. I don't know what it looks like when it feels fun and wonderful. I know I deserve it, and yet will I allow myself to have that someday? I worry I will only make it complicated because deep down I will not feel I can have it. Because that has been my story up till now. Choose one who is deeply wounded who cannot love me, have fun or enjoy the adventure. I don't want that anymore and yet I am scared of what I do want. I have been reminding myself more often, that just because I have visions for the future, doesn't mean they will happen in the expected order. I forget that sometimes the very best things, are surprises and knock the wind out of you in an exhilarating way.

Does being vulnerable require I wear my heart on my sleeve for the world to see? Does it mean I let a person in to see me- all of me- and allow the feeling of acceptance to wash over me? (that's what I am currently working on). I don't know...and I am willing to find out.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ironically, I sprained my elbow, driving to work last week. Going in for acupuncture, I was explaining to my acupuncturist where it hurt.

"Mmmmmm... that's interesting. Those points you are showing me are directly related to the para-cardium and the heart. Sooo, what's going on?"

"Oh shit. Well, actually.... there is this situation..."

I went on to explain how I had begun to feel interest in someone I had met recently, and how scared I was. I talked about the uncertainty of the situation, and the complications I saw and wanted to ride through, but still felt incredibly anxious about.

"Well,", M. said, " that makes a lot of sense. Because the para-cardium is all about protecting the heart. Here you are, attempting to open your heart after such a long time, and having been so deeply wounded before. You are fighting the opening."

"um... yeah. So what do I do?"

"You relax and let it unfold."

"oh shit."

Thoughts on the 33rd

2011-11-16T19:22:00.001-08:00

33.
That number has always seemed to posses a magic, in my eyes.
Double threes.
Two Holy Trinities.

My 33rd birthday fast approaches, and this year so does the annual slight-birthday-depression. You know, those feelings that suddenly appear under the surface in a stealth- like manner. Subconsciously, all of the things I intended to do for myself since the last birthday, remain mostly unrealized and haunt me in a sing-song voice. "You are another year older and look at all you still haven't done.

FU sing-song voice.

In truth, the voice has only gotten louder, since entering my 30's. Which by the way, I am despite the distracting noises in my head, quite pleased to be in. Looking back to compare , I see myself in a newer light. As compared to my 23 year old self, I am so much more sure about who I am, what I want, and where I want to go. In my twenties, I was rushing through to meet "me" through cocktails, parties, and guys (for the record, way more cocktails and parties than guys). Using all of those things as a mirror to reflect back to me who I was, I was desperately trying to glean my identity in the reflection. I am no longer afraid to ask for what I want. To go where I want, and to declare who I am. I have in essence, gained a confidence of self that can only come from the experiences Life has given me. Bloody hellacious as they may have been, at times.

And age has been on my mind a lot lately. As I have become aware of the first ticking of my biological clock (tick tock), have had raging crushes on 20-somethings (and become super aware of the life experience gaps coupled with maturity differences Ahem. That Taylor Lautner poster on my bathroom door is a joke. I swear! But if he had an older brother.....), and suddenly have become hyper aware of the fact that in 5 years, I will be 38 (gasp!!!!)- the time seems to be flying by without much forward progress made.

Tick-tock.
Hurry up and buy!
Hurry up and commit!
Hurry up and get knocked up!
Hurry up just hurry up!!!!!

Aaaccccccckkkkk!

The pressure, whether real or imagined, drives the Voice into prominence. Thus, leaving me feeling a bit deflated. And desiring to spend my magical birthday, mostly alone. This way, I cannot be disappointed. So I reason. Truth be told, (and if it offends anyone who has participated in my birthday in my 33 years, I do apologize), I have never, ever had the kind of birthday where I look back and say " That was a fabulous Fucking birthday!!!!!" (Mom, I know you have done your best! The flowers really made me feel special at school in [5th grade, my Chuck-E Cheez dream came true at 4 years old, at least "the frosting was good! " lol! Shauna, I appreciate you the wonderful job you did coordinating my 30th- you helped make it lovely. Anita and Beth , where ever you might be, I am still grateful for sophmore year's rainy day birthday cupcake pilgrimage.)

Ever.

My birthdays have mostly consisted of me planning my own lame parties. Some people show up. (thank you!) There is usually cake (Um, I was told there would be cake!), and since the age of 21 there has usually been booze (drown my disappointments with another shot of whatever- yes please!) The vision of what I wanted it to be never matches up with what it actually is. I just can't take one more birthday like that. Honestly, I just want to hang out with the people who genuinely love, accept, adore, appreciate and cherish me, whether a new friend or an old. I want to have some laughs, a few tasty adult beverages, maybe some yummy food, and cake. (Or cupcakes. Like it matters... as long as there is cake involved, I am happy. )

In my head, I am building up to the scene in the self-titled movie, in which my alter-ego, Bridget Jone's is cooking her own 33rd awful birthday dinner, and is suddenly interrupted by the hot Mark Darcy who pops by to see her and ends up "being all helpful in the kitchen" (who obviously has "it" for Bridge) and has a lovely dinner making memories and having laughs with her closest friends (until that sleazy ex-boyfriend chap, Daniel Cleaver shows up and ruins everything! I mean if Daniel hadn't of shown up, who knows what kind of present Mark would have presented Bridget with!!!!! )

Yet, ignoring the inevitable disappointment of the passing of November the 30th, I shall indeed be delighted to meet my 33rd year. And I will do so mostly alone. There will be some time spent at a spa. Perhaps lunch at a swanky spot. Maybe I will meet up with dear, close friends for a drink....who knows. (One brave friend has elected to plan my birthday party after I announced I wasn't throwing myself any more birthday parties from this point onwards. Erin, you are a lovely soul for wanting to do so. And after I have regaled you with tales of past birthday party woes, you will see that I could never be disappointed when my expectations are so low to begin with. :) )

My zodiac is Sagittarius, which means that even in the midst of low-ness, I can still see the sliver linings. Yes, it is annoying, isn't it? Because what I can see is that this next year holds the possibility of being the most magical one to date. I am free of the insecurities of my 20's, and iI am settling into the frustrations and relief that come in the 30's, though undoubtedly more self-assured and pleased. I am right where I am supposed to be.

We only have the present, and that is why it is such a gift.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, Voice. I hear ya,

Bugger off!

Pickin' Up The Stroll

2011-11-09T20:07:00.000-08:00

Can't get this song out of my head today.

Lately struck with a sense of urgency, this seems to fit the mark these days...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bHHUhcV2eVY

Thinking about breaking up with my current gym, to join one closer to work. I miss running to songs like this one.

JT and Madonna?

Hells yes!

Coming Out of The Broom Closet

2011-10-21T22:12:00.000-07:00

When I was a little girl, one of my favorite games to play, was called "Witch Fairy". I would play for hours on my own and sometimes with friends, imagining and playing inside an imaginary world where I could make magic happen as easily as I thought about things.

I have been witchy all my life, and yet I did not connect that knowledge with my own particular spiritual path until a few years ago. Quietly, I have owned myself as a witch. In the last year, I have very serendipitously become head of an informal coven. I have embraced myself as a Pagan, not a Wiccan (Wicca is an organized religion, and while I mean no disrespect, I prefer to be unorganized in my spirituality). Claiming my witchy self, has helped me to strengthen my beliefs about the world and my place in it. My Celtic and Cherokee lineage seems to burn brightly in my blood, and the gifts I have been blessed with illuminate my path. Magic is quite everyday and practical in my life. Because magic, is quite simply intention fueled by action. Its in our thoughts and deeds and combines with the energies around us to manifest the negative and the positive.

For me, belief in it all is what rings true for me. I say yes to God, Goddess, Buddha, Krishna,Jesus and Allah, etc. I prefer to cherry pick from those messengers that speak to me. There are many voices and many paths that lead to, as I see it, the very same door. They all have important information to be shared. As I have built/ build my own personal witchcraft practice, it all seems very normal to me to have a little bit of everything. Rocks and trees speak to me.There is a Buddha statue in my hallway. The energies and herbs combine to enhance my own or someone else's energy. I pray to anyone who might be listening, or sometimes to specific gods/god/godesses/saints/ etc. My intuitive abilities serve me and combine very nicely with my spirituality. I honor my ancestors and glean their wisdom. I celebrate the seasons and mark them with ritual.

There are new people in my life, and being in a new job location lends itself to encouraging bit of reinvention of myself. Or rather, it is feeling more comfortable in revealing parts of myself I have been quiet about all these years. Its lovely to be accepted for who I am, with kind and curious questions. So, here I am, coming out of the broom closet, and letting the magic loose!

Blessed Be!

seeing the dead

2011-10-07T19:26:00.000-07:00

twice a year, my day job company gathers all the department managers from all of the stores in one place for a meeting about what's new, re-cap and connect. These meetings happen in October and April. The October meeting is especially significant for me, because it was 4 years ago that that was the place I found myself days after I had sustained the biggest betrayal and heartbreak to date. In those walls and under the unknowing presence of all those people around me, I was being held together with their collective energy. My heart was battered, and the tears threatened at every second. If not for my very dear friend Nina, I honestly don't know how I got through that day. So in the years since, every October, as the CEO is going over the financial aspects of the past 6 months, I sit and reflect. I measure how far I have come in four years. My journey has been surprising, sometimes lonely, enlightening, and incredibly meaningful. This October's meeting, yesterday, was quite surprising. But then again not.... for the last three weeks, I have had the premonition that I was going to see my ex-boyfriend. The one who was my first love, and my most significant relationship to date. I used to be able to feel him when he was thinking about me- not so much anymore because I have really distanced myself. Maybe its because its Fall, and I always get nostalgic this time of year. It was the Fall seven years ago, that we got together and I fell in love with him. And over the course of our 5 years together, we would meet up and try again in the Fall, only to end up ending it. Again. So the fact that I thought I had seen him, once at work, and once out with friends at the White Eagle last week, had me prepared. I knew it was coming. And then, as L. was going on about profits and margins, I felt a pair of eyes on me, I turned my head to see who was looking at me, and for a brief nano second met D. 's eyes. I quickly looked away. I needed to retreat and take stock. What the hell was he doing here? This was my turf. This was my safe place. And there he was. Wearing that god-damned orange fleece pull-over that his ex-wife had sent him for his birthday a year or so before we broke up for good. (It pissed me off immensely that he wore it- a gift of clothing seemed a really personal gift to give an ex-husband. It also brought up for me the fact that I didn't ever feel like I could have given him such a personal gift. The irony..)My heart wasn't racing. I didn't feel a fired up reaction at all. I was calm, I was cool. I didn't really care. Ok, I cared a little. After all he is my first love, and I will always wish him the best and have love for him. And...... I didn't feel the need to interact with him, or engage in a meaningful gaze. I didn't want to make a big deal about it, because, it's ancient history now. And I wasn't all that surprised. Like I said, I knew I was on the verge of running into him. So I put my roots down and my branches down and just enjoyed myself. I was myself. And I let him see that. And he was his self. We didn't run into each other all day. I didn't go out of my way to say hello, and neither did he. We simply existed in the same place as two people who didn't know one another.I saw the gift I needed to get out of being in the same time and place as him- to see that its really finished. Not that I thought we would get back together. Believe me when I say I know that ship has sailed, and I have no interest in being on it with him. We don't fit. We are so different, and we both want to get different things out of life. There are no words left to say. No pleasantries to exchange. No need to shake hands or hug. Or ask how the children I never really met are, across the pond with their mother. No need to ask how he is doing, or what is new in his life. We have already done that, countless times. And there is no point now.Because I have really let go. And all that remains is the space inside my heart that holds our past together with the love and respect it deserves.I have processed and made all of the realizations about the why and how we were together, and why I felt the need to cling and hold onto something so ill-fitted and dead to me. I have put it to rest. I saw that so clearly today.
Driving home, listening to one of my favorite Fall-time cds, (reminds me of driving to Bellingham to stay with my dear friend Susie, the October of 2004. Keane's Hopes and Fears), a song came on that tells the story of two lovers who are strangers to each other, living in the same town. Essentially that is what D. and I are to each other now. We don't know who we are anymore. We know who we were when were together, but now? Now we might as well be strangers. Its come full circle now. It only took me 7 years....And now? I long to Fall in love again in the Fall. Next time, I want him to Fall too, and to stay. Driving home today, reflecting and processing, as I turned onto my street, I saw a young couple holding hands. The woman was pregnant, and wrapped up in a cozy sweater -jacket. As I drove past them, I squeezed my eyes shut, and wished " Yes! I want that too."And for the first time in a long time, I felt like I had crossed a line over to a place I didn't know was waiting to get to.
Home.

Comparison

2011-08-13T22:33:00.001-07:00

Recently, I have noticed that I can really tear myself down when I unconsciously make comparisons between myself and others.

Measuring up seems to be important to The Voice.

I compare stupid things all of the time.

My clothes.
My height.
My hair.
My speech.
My laugh.
my organizational skills.
my loneliness.
my shoes.
my cooking.
my fullness.
my humor.
my communication style.
my independence.
my sexiness.
my creativity.
my passion.
My body.
More specifically- my toes. My face. My arms. My skin. My heine. My chest. My belly.
Though oddly enough- never my legs.

I really enjoy my legs. Nice stems, they are. Muscular, shapely, strong. I wish the other parts of my body took muscle on so quickly and naturally....

There I go again...

A few days ago, I discovered that the scale I use to weigh myself everyday, is off by 10 lbs.

I have been beating myself up for weighing a number that I actually didn't for months. A huge weight was lifted, pun intended, upon this significant realization. I had been making comparisons in my progress (I have lost 15 lbs in the last 2 months) to others success and the way they have lost or not lost their own weight.

And feeling really shitty about myself because my own journey has been different.

Upon making the discovery of what my accurate weight was- I began to see my body differently. It got me wondering- how much of our body image is built on what we think about our bodies versus what is the reality? How twisted it can get in the head! Our perception becomes disgustingly distorted and we stop seeing the beauty of who we really are.

The truth is we are miracles. Every.single.one.of.us.
We have hearts that beat rapidly hundreds of times in minutes. Brains that control and create thoughts, muscles, nerves,cell production. The fact that we can create human beings in from our bodies is wondrous! DO you know how much energy it takes just to blink? Or type? Form whole sentences? We take so much for granted because we can get wrapped up in trying to measure up to a twisted idea of perfection.

So the fact that I have had a muffin top since age 9 sometimes seems like a stupid thing to worry about. Having more lb's doesn't make me any less important, beautiful, smart, worthy, lovable, creative, interesting, or magical. Having less lb's doesn't either. That stuff is already inside the packaging and enhances what the naked eye can see.

This is not news. Its a reminder.

I want to be around for a long time though, and enjoying my life. And that means I have to tell The Voice to fuck off when it starts getting hoighty -toighty. I am going to the gym and going on 5 mile hill walks as much as possible. I am losing those lb's.

Not at a rapid pace, not at a slow pace- at my pace.

All in good time, Paula. All in good time.

seizing the summer

2011-07-18T21:14:00.000-07:00

I have been MIA for a while here it would seem.
There has been much happening in my world and nothing much at all at the same time.

There are three weeks left until I leave for my new job. I am counting the days as my restlessness and excitement at the next adventure inch closer.I 'll be managing the homegoods department at the new store near Tigard. I am looking forward to a change in scenery, staff, and focus. It could not have come at a better time in my life. Until the day the doors open for business, there is lots of ordering, receiving and merchandising to be done. I can't wait!

The biggest news by far in my world, is that my landlord and I are in talks for me to purchase the Magic Cottage next Spring. This will be a dream come true! I am in the process of creating a savings plan, finding a Realtor (I have gotten some wonderful references), and learning about the home buying process. I am terrible at saving money, and have now found motivation to learn how to get good at it! I am also allowing myself to envision a life with roots here. I feel so fortunate: everything that is meant to be finds a way....

What free time I have lately, I am spending with friends, acupuncture, at the gym, cleaning up my house, doing laundry, shopping, cooking, taking the occasional nap and wedding clients. I have even managed to catch a few shows in the last couple of months. I have been seizing the summer as much as possible, though I regret there hasn't been much time for reading. (I dream of getting a hammock next summer, once the major landscaping has been done- to read on a lazy, warm afternoon....doesn't that sound lovely?) I haven't been able to hike with my brothers like I wanted- it so hard for us to line up our schedules. Plus I injured my foot a few weeks back, and am finally all healed up. (yard work can be dangerous, kids.)

There is a part of me that feels overwhelmed by all that needs to get done around the yard. My focus this year has been on creating the layout of the yard. The vegetable garden never went in...next year. I did plant some flowers from seeds- they are sprouting and I hope they grow and bloom! I don't have much of a green thumb. My budget doesn't allow for much energy invested in landscaping. All of the planting that I want to do will just have to wait until next year.
I have visions of making over the fire pit area, planting hydrangeas, and building a deck or putting a slate patio (I can't decide which would be better. I can't afford to do this anytime soon, so thinking about it is as far as it goes. Maybe in a couple of years.)

I am taking a staycation, the last week in July. I had originally planned to head out to the east coast to visit friends, and when I was suddenly given the opportunity to purchase the Magic Cottage, i thought it best to use my money more wisely and put it towards my down payment savings initiative. (I am literally itching to get on a plane though. *sigh* Hopefully next Summer I will have the chance to fly off somewhere for a week...

Staycation plans will consist of yard work, cooking, making art, perhaps a trip to the library, and general relaxation without any appointments. I may have brunch with a friend, catch up with my BFF and get my ducks in a row before I start my new job (new schedule for the the month of August M-F. Weird. I don't know if I am going to like it...)

I am also looking forward to my family reunion in August, at my aunt's in Longview. It has been over a decade since all of my family was last together. Making some new memories, remembering old ones and getting to know where I come form and who I share the family tree with will be nice, I think.

Family is a funny thing for me. As I have gotten older, I seem to distanced myself from them. Even my brothers, who I am closest to in my family- I don't see them much (and one of them works with me! Not for much longer though...) As I mentioned before, our schedule are hard to line up. Some of that distance is naturally occurring due to my tendency towards independence. Truly, I enjoy spending time on my own to create, recharge, and take care of me. I have to schedule this time off for myself, or else it doesn't happen.( Honestly, I enjoy having to plan out my days- there is a large part of me that craves structure and routine. But within those structures, there must be flexibility or I rebel.) Once I have had enough time on my own, I then reach out to those I haven't seen in awhile and want to connect with. Which again, is why a family reunion sounds like such fun! We have all been off doing our own thing, and because we are all so different from each there, multiple perspectives and experiences can be shared. Differences fascinate me.

Ahh look at me rambling on today. I needed a break from the reorganization of the studio loft I have embarked on today. I am smack dab in the midst of sorting things out. BY tomorrow, I hope to have conquered it. My goal is to actually use the studio to make some art on my staycation, instead of dread coming up here because I can't find anything. I intend to post pics here when I finish, to compare against the ones I posted a few entries back.

Its mid-July already. My goodness how time flies! Hope you all are enjoying your summer too, seizing the moments everyday. :)

Good Mourning

2011-06-02T11:47:00.000-07:00

Looking around my home, I notice that there are few things in my possession that I have owned for more than 10 years.

the night stand on the right side of my bed was a hand-me-down from my half-brother's grandparents.
I received it the summer he was born, in 1987. I used to keep my Barbies in the bottom drawer for a awhile.
Periodically it has held journals, books, incense, photos.
Presently it contains books, eye pillows, ear plugs, leftover glow-in-the-dark stick on stars from my ceiling (which are a collection of both the ones I had in my room as a teenager and left overs from an old roommate's sister).

On the other night stand sits a lamp, its base spray painted silver about 7 years ago. It's original purchase dates back to 1988. It was bought at Kmart. We had moved into the house on Brogden Street that July, and the bedrooms didn't have overhead lighting. It used to be porcelain white with a decal of colorful wildflowers on it. Sometimes I wish I hadn't painted over it- because those flowers are more me than the silver paint. I did so, because at the time there was a part of me that wanted to glaze over the parts of my childish past. I wanted to declare my adulthood, which was clearly recognizable by my sophisticated taste. ha.

In the office hangs a 2x3 oil painting I made my senior year in high school. I constructed the frame in Sept of 1996. That same month, my classmates and I drove up to our Art teacher's beach house one Saturday morning. The house is on Netarts Bay. We spent that beautiful, cloudless afternoon painting a sand/glue mixture on the jessoed canvas, right there on beach of the bay. I didn't really have a plan. Some people painted the sand on in an obvious picture. Later on back in the studio, I started to put color on randomly. Half-way through, I realized I was painting scenery from my out -of -body experience, from 2 years earlier. Now when I look at it, I am not only reminded of the places I have been, but also too, how I use to go there.

These things do not define me, though they tell you (and me) bits about who I am. Or rather who I have been in this life, so far.

The last couple of days, I have found myself in mourning. Like post-birthday depression, it snuck up on me. The weight of it laying over me so stealth- like I hardly knew it was there, until I did. I did not have words to describe what I was grieving. Until this morning, finishing up a book that involves terminal illness (My Sister's Keeper"). It became clear.

I was mourning the life I have been waiting for, to show up.

After sobbing a bit at the story's end, I got up from bed. Still in my pajamas. Opening up the the door leading from my room to the back courtyard, I stood barefoot on the small slab of concrete. The sun warm on my face, the wind soft on my skin. The sound of the cars muffled on the freeway close by, mimicking the sound of the ocean in my mind.

I am so blessed that I get to stand here.

I suddenly thought of my best friend, Shauna. She would get this feeling. She would understand this overwhelming intensity of gratitude for this moment. She would also understand the grief.

Because she and I are alike in that way. We understand each other without words. We know each other by the silence between phone calls.

If not for my self-imposed Communication Vacation today, I would, for once, call her. To say these things. To hear her commiserate and relate deeply on the other end of the line. But whether I call or not- I know she will hear me, won't you Babycakes?

The grief for what will never be is a little uncomfortable to carry. I don't want to carry it around.
It is made up of the hope I once I had for the life I would live.
Which may sound contradictory to some. I know I come off as quite optimistic and so sure and so connected. Wise even. And I am all those things at my core.
And I am human too. Not so far up on a cute little pedestal that I don't get knocked down every once in a while.

You see, I thought for sure, by now, that my life would be different. Looking back ten years ago, it would look on the outside like a lot has changed. And it has.

In ten years I have:
changed jobs
lost my father, his mother, and his father
lost myself in relationships, only to find myself again
moved 6 times
gotten out debt
gotten back into debt
lost 40lbs
grieved pets
been promoted, twice
had my wisdom teeth pulled
traveled to Egypt by myself
married people
accepted my intuitive gifts
studied astrology
made new friends
let go of old friends
"ridden the bull"
taken up running
read countless books
cooked Thanksgiving Dinner
been a brunette
hosted some amazing parties
found a magical cottage

Inside, I feel a lot of the same things I have since I was a child. While I am grateful to wake up everyday- it also feels like "Groundhog Day". I am still "here". It might look different, and it feels the same.
It feels as if nothing really changes.

Sometimes I wonder, ironically, now that I have finally decided I would someday like to be a mother (that clock isn't ticking yet), that maybe I am not supposed to be one.
Maybe, depsite the fact that I feel I have lived many lifetimes as a spiritual hermit, that isn't supposed to change this time around either.

Maybe its always supposed to be just me.

Perhaps I should be content and in acceptance of this great life I live, and not get greedy for more than I have been graciously given. Maybe its just not my lot in life to have more than this.

And its not so bad. In fact, its pretty awesome.
I am blessed with a magical home, the companionship of a sassy and sweet cat, a circle made up of the most wonderful friends, an important and satisfying day job, interesting and fulfilling life work of intuition, astrology and planning, and a family that supports and loves me

My goodness. Isn't that enough? Perhaps nothing is missing at all.

Perhaps I am like my old night stand- still very much present, made up of the same things. The bones in tact sturdy and strong. The contents stored inside, change from Barbie Dolls to works of fiction and hope of what might be, and then onto ear plugs, rubber bands, ball point pens, post-it notes, and lip balm.

Maybe we need different things than we think we do.

Oceanside Reflection

2011-05-31T13:14:00.001-07:00

the town of Oceanside, Oregon

Deep in the midst of my to-do list, I need a break. I haven't emptied my head in a few weeks....

The last couple of weeks have been crazy wonderful. Filled with friends, family, and fun. (Did I really just type that??!!!) Well, its true.

And its been a bit of a frenzy. My life is flowing in ways lately that both shock and delight. I am not used to this frenzy. Universe- can we slow things down just a little bit, please? And could you speed up a few other things, please? Thanks!

Last Tuesday, my friend, the marvelous Miss Amy and I went to the beach for the day. I needed to get out of town badly, and so did she. We sat in the sun, hunted for rocks in a little creek on the beach, painted, read, and deeply relaxed. I promised myself I would make time to do that more. At least once a month. To go and just be by the sea.

I desire, rather I require, time to Seize the Summer. Those moments I give to myself in the warm season, between work. Let's Play!

This year I shall endeavor to:

landscape my yard and introduce myself to my inner Green Thumb. (she must be in there somewhere?)
make a trip back east to see friends
float the Clackamas
STS BBQ's
game nights with family
construct a fire pit
Portland Hill Walks
bonfire on the beach
nap in a hammock
re-finish many pieces of furniture I have been talking about for years, finally (a hutch, a small chest of drawers, 5 chairs, a tack chest, and 2 night stands.)
painting by the sea
family reunion in August
read a stack of books
outdoor brunch
yurt by the bay

Okay, back to my emails and phone calls.

Then a nice long soak in the tub. New color on my toes, and a delicious nap before heading out for a concert with my brother.
Iron and Wine never sounded so good....

Size Matters

2011-05-16T23:04:00.000-07:00

Lately, the issue of size has been on my mind.
No, not that.
I am talking about the size of our being, and how that matters. I have become supremely aware of the connecting forces between big and small.
These days, I am feeling smaller, physically. But I feel immensely grandiose in my soul. My heart, though still sometimes timid, remains bold,brave and free. Expanding by lifetimes and galaxies.

I have spent the majority of my life feeling uncomfortable and ginormous in this body. I measured my outside continuously to those around me. I was always the bigger one, in my eyes. And that was not a good thing. The largeness I often felt, was linked to my physical aspects. Recently, that view has shifted. Sloughing away the layers of emotion accumulated, my smallness comes into view. I really am quite tiny. 5' 1''. The scale says I have gained muscle- my closet says "welcome back to articles of clothing you haven't been able to wear in years."

The smallness feels powerful, because with it comes the revelation of the lightness of being. Just being. In this skin. In this life. In this moment. Breathing. Loving. Growing. The lightness both in the weight of my soul and my physical body translates to even bigger expansion of my mind and heart.

When I stand in that smallness, I am made bigger. Huge. Ginormous. Gargantuan.
I am infinite and almighty.
I am possible and miraculous.
I am magical and realistic.
I am the walrus. Cukoo-ca-chu.
I have this urge to jump from a great distance, to delight in the fall all the while knowing I will land safely in a giant net.

Like a trapeze. Life happens between those bars.

Its very clear to me now that who I am is not about the size of the boat- its most definitely the motion in the ocean. I delight in my petite-ness, and yet I will not play small. I am so much bigger than that.

In this life, I came here to remember who I am.
And who I am is a shining beacon of light, reminding those around me that it lives inside them too.
I came to grow in partnership.
I came to burn and to be burned.
I came to be closed and then open.
I came to destroy and create.
I came here to see you and mirror back the beauty, truth , and love the radiates out farther than the human eyes can see.
I can see far enough out for my heart to bask in its loveliness. Out beyond the trees.
Far beyond that magic moon.
Out there- in the years of light to the places we know not even exist. The size of that matter, significantly insignificant.

Your size matters too. How big is your heart?
How light is your soul?
How far out does that light shine?
Does it weigh you down or lift you up?
When my light connects with yours, the expansion is collective and powerful. Like the stars in the sky...our brilliance together brightens the night.
That size matters.

Why My Day Job is A Revolution That Matters

2011-05-11T18:52:00.000-07:00

Since I was 17 years old, I have worked in a grocery store. From my senior year in high school, until the tender age of 23, I worked for Haggen. I opened that store in Tanasbourne as a green courtesy clerk on July 31, 1996. It was 108 degrees that day and people were lined up for their grand opening freebies. I would move up in the ranks shortly after my 18th birthday. I cashiered (do you want paper or plastic??"), was a PIC (Person in charge/ front end lead) for a bit, and sometimes helped out with the POS/Pricefile crew and floral crew (I do know how to make corsages, boutonnieres, and balloon bouquets, ladies and gents. Oh yes!). Versatility meant job security. As I grew up in that place, it became apparent that the conventional world wasn't doing it for me. A sense of connection seemed to missing.

In 2001, I felt the need to move onto something a little different. Enter in New Seasons Market. The front end manager at the soon-to-be-open Orenco Station Store, was my previous front end manager at Haggens. She left to open the Raleigh Hills store. I went in for an interview, and a week later I was hired. I didn't even know (or care) how much I was getting paid (I took a $4. pay cut) because already I could sense my disposition was about to significantly change, and more than anything else I needed that.

Never one for academic higher education, I preferred, as my friend Athena calls it, " The University of the Real World". At times, I have felt a bit silly for working at a grocery store when many my friends are collage graduates. The truth is, I get paid a pretty penny more than some of those degree holding peeps (and not just because I am a manager. The starting wage is well above the state minimum). I have a sweet job as the Homegoods Manager. Amazing health benefits and a few other company perks. I eat well ( and I receive a generous company discount when I shop...) and I am educated more than most about the importance of eating and shopping as locally as possible to support our communities. I am immensely proud to a part of an locally owned and operated company that gives 10% of our profits back to local charities, every year. (We have given millions of dollars back to our city in the course of 11 years.) I am contributing to a sustainable equation and highlighting the value of giving superior customer service to everyone with a smile and authenticity- we take care of each other. I also have a warm, diverse and supportive family born of my time spent at 3 different stores over the years. Some friendships have brought much joy and growth into my life. For being my day job- its pretty amazing.

Yesterday, I attended our twice a year all store managers meeting. At these meetings, financial information is shared, guest speakers talk (all local vendors that are successful in part to us!), new directions and initiatives are revealed to inspire, reunions with friends from other stores, good food, laughter and a lot of love. It never fails that at some point in the day, I become overwhelmed by the intensity of the work we are doing together and get misty-eyed and full of pride. I so wish I could invite you all in to see what it is we do on a daily basis behind the scenes. I am humbled and made proud, when I reflect on the work we do everyday. This is not just a grocery store- this is a way of life fueled by a collective mission to contribute positively to our neighborhoods, region and the world. New Seasons Market is a revolution in the grocery world due to our commitment to positive and thoughtful progression. I venture to say it's also a marvel and a wonder to those who are not in it (and actually some of who are). September will mark 10 years since I became a part of the "friendliest store in town". I am a better person for it. Being in this organization has contributed tremendously to my own personal growth. How this company as changed me, is priceless.

One of the surprising things I learned yesterday at our meeting was that Walmart is planing to bring 17 stores into the Portland area over the next couple of years.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

uh-oh.

Do people know what that means for our city?
For our communities???
Are people aware of what Walmart does?
They pay low-wages, and generally abuse staff.
They offer poor benefit packages to employees.
They put small Mom & Pop type businesses out of business.
They source low-priced product primarily from foreign places, which puts American made workers out of work and strains the environment with its production and transport.

I am not worried about losing my job or the possible effects compettion may have- I won't let fear drive me to that place. What worries me is how this saturation of Walmart stores will directly and indirectly affect our communities.

This is about voting for love with your dollars, people.

Every-time time you shop somewhere local, that money energy boomerrangs back the dollar into the community it came from in that town- you are voting for love of life and the support of others who love the work they do. Farmers markets, local boutiques, hair salons, cabinet makers, landscapers, greeting card artists, vineyards, restaurants, bookstores. When you give your business to these places you are having a positive effect on your community and contributing to its growth.
I sometimes hear people state that shopping where I work is too expensive. I am fortunate that I receive discount yes (every Weds Seniors 65 or better receive a 10% discount too), and I would still choose shop here even if I didn't. That aside- its really and truly not that more expensive. You get what you pay for, my friends. Quality vs quantity is the name of that argument. Because I believe in the mission of what this company is trying to do. I see how my smaller actions connect to the bigger picture. Yes, its about profit to a certain degree- and more than that- its about giving some of that profit back to our community. Its about creating a progressive workplace where the employees love the work they do and the people they do it with. Its about educating the public of the many ways they can make a difference in the community and yes- even the world. Every time you purchase something that is made right here in our city, state or region - you are showing your love and helping to support your neighbors by putting food on their own tables.

This is not where I tell you where to shop. My intention here, is to make you aware of the effects actions have in the grocery industry. How we nourish our bodies directly affects the way we nourish our souls. Its all connected. I ask that you look at your beliefs around why you shop at the places you shop. Connect your purchases with a more expanded perspective. Money is energy and we can direct that energy into fear or love. Who you are matters, and how you spend your energy matters. I am not saying that my place of employment is perfect. I myself sell lots of stuff that isn't made in America. I also do go out of my way to showcase artists and craftspeople that do make things in the USA, to create awareness. Part of the collective mission is to educate so that the customer can make an informed choice, every time they shop. Maybe we don't make all local purchases all of the time. But perhaps doing so where it counts, as much as we are able to- is what matters most. Seek out your neighborhood co-ops. Spend an afternoon at the local Farmers Market. Connect with your food and connect with your community.

To Cause into Being

2011-05-09T13:44:00.000-07:00

This is a picture of the loft studio, at the Magic Cottage. It looks quaint upon first glance....

.
Today, I was a glow with the fire in my belly to make things. I came upstairs, got as far as locating my watercolor paper, and paints, but was soon distracted by the chaos around me.
As one gets closer to the heart of it, one realizes that it is in a serious state of disarray..

Open up the closet door, and the world of creative supplies in all of its state, screams out what is really happening.

Well... that's not obvious or anything...
My creativity is blocked.
Some of you who have been to visit, don't believe me when I say my home is messy at times. Oh yes. It is. I work hard at cleaning up after myself. Some spaces more than others...And that is interesting to me because I see my home as an extension of myself. Each room has a special purpose and correlates to an aspect of myself.

The living room- where entertainment and gathering happen.
the kitchen- where I nourish myself
the bathroom- where I cleanse and tend to my health
the hallway- the gateway between the everyday and the more ethereal (the office and the bedroom)
the office- where I hold space for intuitive readings and consultations (and do laundry...hee hee)
the bedroom - where I rest
and the loft- where I create

I assure you that all of the other spaces are quite tidy compared to this one. Why is the space I have designated for myself to create, in such shambles? Clearly creating is not a high priority. Thats a sad thing to admit, because I was painting long before I could read and write. It is a key aspect of who I am. It is one of the vehicles with which I channel my internal fire.

Where the f is my masking tape??!!! My exacto knife???
n there... somewhere....

Ugh.

The internal struggle against creativity and chaos is re-awkened. Do I spend all of my time organizing THAT mess or do I crank out a painting that is dying to be born??!!!

You know me- I am a compromise girl. So I am going to try a little bit of both. Small steps.

I sometimes forget that one of the things that I am, is an artist. My jr. year in high school, I was trying to figure out what I wanted to be when I grow up. I was considering collages. If I had been more intent, I would have worked at attending the Maryland Institute Collage of Art (http://www.mica.edu).
They sent me an application and along with it an informational brochure. I kept the cover of the brochure because it struck me so true. I have gave it away once. On a lower level, I felt that it was a lie I kept telling myself. This piece of paper came back to me. The words remind me of the part of me that always felt so natural.

"You do not decide to become an artist; it is what you are. You feel a passion to create, a belief in what you have to say, a need to express that belief to others, a desire to communicate visually."

I was too scared to apply myself. I also was overwhelmed by the sheer pressure of having to decide right then what direction I wanted to take my life in. Collage didn't feel like the place for me. It still doesn't. But, I admit, going for the sake of learning; just to feel that place, the sights, the sounds and the results of the exposure- that does appeal.

My eyes fell on those words today, as I was rearranging my inspiration board (my baby step in reigning in the chaos today). I have carried these words around for the last 15 years, and how often have I claimed them with fierceness? Not recently, thats for certain. Somewhwere my creative fire got squelched.

If I am sloughing off layers, its apparent to me, that another thing coming into view is my lost ability to create art. The smell of turpentine. Paint in my nail beds. Paint brushes stuck up in my hair. The back and forth that happens between brain, hands and canvas. The satisfied heart at the completion of a vision brought to reality....*sigh* I miss those things deeply.

I used to know how to stretch canvas.
Now, I am not sure I would even know what kind of wood to ask for at the hardware store. Actually, I know wouldn't.

My best friend reminded me once, that the definition of the word " create" is " to cause into being".

Don't you love that?

Can you see a million possibilities taking shape in the seconds you process the words??

I want to be seduced by the mediums and get knocked up with artistic vision.
I want to give birth to something made up in my heart and soul that begs to be brought into the light.

Ahhh...
But then that is where the apprehension creeps in...

illuminating places and things so very dear to us, can be frightening.

Especially if its been a while.
But writing is not enough to quench my thirst for creative expression. I want more.

My brushes have been pining away for me. My paints want to be used up. And I feel the need to connect and process in a way that is familiar, but also re-invented. I want to finish these words, documenting for posterity. Possibilities of creation and organization await.

And so does that supply closet.....

Choosing Love

2011-05-08T17:49:00.000-07:00

I am a child of fire.
It is my natural inclination to light up like a firecracker when I react both positively and negatively to situations. I light quickly, with a wondrous display of colorful emotions, which fizzle out, shortly thereafter, to make room for something else.

Today is one such day where I felt myself get fired up over a reaction to news of importance. My landlady has put the property up for sale. She did this without telling me. I found out when a friend came across the listing and sent it to me.

Instantly I was triggered back to a state of panic. Only a year ago, I was in the same boat while living in my tiny 300 sq. foot mother-in-law apartment. The landlords divorced, sold the house, and I was evicted. I put everything in storage for 8 weeks and lived on my brother's couch simultaneously casting out my net for the next perfect home.

Just as I was ready to give up, I found the Magic Cottage. This is a home born of magical intention and faith. I put it out there, and it came to me. I love it here. Everyday I wake up and cannot believe my luck- I get to live my life here!!!! I have zero desire to leave. In an instant, fear found my vulnerability and worked immediately to set up for the worst possibility: I would be asked to leave my home. Just when I had begun to feel settled and more rooted than I ever had in my life. Fear gripped me and made me see a possibility of that changing in the worst imagined way.

Its interesting, that within a year, a nearly identical situation as arisen again. Co-incidence? Hmmmm.... I don't know the facts around this situation yet, as my landlady has yet to return my inquiry. But the fact that this smacks of familiarity does not escape notice. I am fully aware that I helped to bring this about, on some level or another.

As I was in my panicked state, my old way of coping under duress was triggered. I wanted to eat something sweet to soothe my frazzled self. That part of me craved nothing more than to be left alone with a pint of Ben and Jerry's. What is wonderful to acknowledge for once, is that the dominant part of me wanted to instead go for a run and to write. So I started with a good run, exercising out the stress demons. Somewhere around the 2 mile mark, I had a bolt of enlightenment strike me. What was highlighted was this: as I wake up to what lies beneath the layers I am letting go of, repressed feelings are surfacing. I knew on a level this would happen. One doesn't let go of any thing heavy without seeing what was being covered by it. Standing in it as it is occurring and anticipating it are completely opposite happenings. When I run, I make a conscious effort to name the things I am letting of in those moments.

Today's Special:
Fear.
discouragement.
anger.
frustration.

These are feelings- colors of reactions, but they are not rooted in truth. These feelings are the process of coming around to seeing what is. This is my fire, burning hot and wildly, scared to a point of temporary consumption. I am well aware that a large part of my own personal work in this life, is to shift into a more solid and grounded flow. To give boundaries to my fire, and to also not be put out by the flux of my emotions. Perhaps this is coming around again so that I may take a more conscious stance than before (even though I was pretty awake for that transition, maybe I could be even more so this time). I can choose to be unshakable. I can choose to be in the love of this moment, not giving power to what fear may drive. Somewhere between being firmly rooted in the ground and going with the flow is where my aim is now. Already the way I am processing this news is shifting away from the past behavior. That deserves a high five!

Choosing love over fear, especially in the moments where we loose our footing, is not the first choice so easily seen. It requires a pause. To take in a few breaths, allowing for connection to what is stable and true.

What is true for me right now, is that I am falling more deeply in love with myself than I ever thought possible. As I let go of the layers, and strip down to my essence- I am blown away by what is there. I cherish it, I adore it. I am proud of it. I see her, though most days I don't take the time to look, in my eyes. Standing in the bathroom, after a shower, towel wrapped around me, my hair wet and smelling of exotic shampoo. The mirror reflects back in my hazel eyes with the forest green ring. She is teeny tiny, in size. She is mighty in her power. She smiles back at me. Shining, laughing, smoldering with the purest love. "Here you are.", she says. "Aren't you beautiful?" And I cannot help but fall deeply, madly, truly. Again.

I am enchanted by my life and made humble by the constant show of support by the Universe and those in it. I have discovered a hunger in me that demands to be fed by expression. I share who I am with those who want to connect to with my words. Being so transparent keeps me accountable. I put myself out there to shine. It allows me a freedom to be me. It shows me to myself and the world inside my head. It shows the beauty of my core, and how precious that is.

As I shift into the tomorrows a little more uncertain than I was yesterday, it will be important to remember that this is all part of what I asked for. I asked to let go of the things that no longer serve me, therefore making room for freshness. Heart is where the home is, and the Magic Cottage is there.

"It can be so bold and so cavalier
To reach out to the fire her souls sending here
It can be like death that blows like a breeze
Making all ones strength go weak at the knees
I hate to feel the shallow ground giving way
Ive never let myself fall this much astray
And feeding on her touch is all one does to survive

She said show me the world that's inside your head,
Show me the world that you see yourself, you could use Some help
Cause sometimes it comes with a shove, when you fall in love"
~Angels & Airwaves "Shove"

And So It Is

2011-05-05T21:48:00.000-07:00

My day began as it usually does. The cat was impatient for me to be up to feed her just after first light.
I resisted.
I dozed in bed, relishing in the moments between sleep, dreams and the awakening that happens shortly thereafter.

I was compelled to read a bit, from an astrology book on the subject of cosmic love. And as I was pondering that topic, I received an email from a good friend. She was requesting advice, because due to many recent situations and circumstances, needed outside wisdom. She had seriously began to question her faith in the Universe.

There are no accidents, as was proven to me yet again, in that moment, because I too had had a few moments over the course of the week where I also was questioning the very same thing.

So, without much thought about what I would say, I began to write. And it came so cleanly, and without effort. It just was.

"...It is so very important, that we find courage in these instances, to be as open and expansive as we possibly can to Love. Love is the Universe, and Love hears your prayers. There will be moments when it will be harder for some more than others to do that, in those cases, it falls on the others to hold that love and that light until they can do so again.

I myself have been asking " What next?" in my own life- just days ago in fact. And I vowed to stay open no matter what. No matter how lost I was feeling in that particular moment. No matter how sad, or discouraged, or frustrated I let myself be. I promised at the very, very least I would stay open to love in all of its forms. And that I would keep asking "What's next?" until an answer came my way.
24 hours later it did. 3 fold. And I see little bit more than I did in those moments I was blind with discouragement.

Be open.
Listen.
and take courage to follow the voice of love, in all of its forms."

Dear reader, you and I and the we in between- we are exactly where we are supposed to be in life. This moment reading these words and living our individual experiences just as we are meant to.

"What next?" is such a powerful question to ask. It requires us to surrender to our faith and trust. Its remembering to take a step in one direction. And then another. And another.

And then suddenly we look up and realize that we are surrounded by all that we are made up of. Its in the trees. It's in the stars. Its in the wings of fly. Its in the pattern of the quilt a grandmother made. Its in the blink of my eye. Its in the whisper of an evening breeze. Its in the soup.

There it is. The answer you seek. The answer that takes you one step closer to remembering who you are.

As my dear friend Jed says often, Love is the answer.
And so it is.

sledgehammer

2011-05-04T07:34:00.001-07:00

There is a tiny wall of bricks built up around my heart.
Its rather small, in size and sturdy in its making. There is sign on it that reads " To Serve and Protect". That is code for "to hide and prevent from truly living out loud."
And I am ready to take a sledge hammer to the whole damn thing.
Because I want to be married to amazement, and it's hard to even get a date with magnificence with this sturdy wall in the way.

I will not let fear of being hurt or forsaken hold me back. I cannot be hurt or forsaken because there is nothing to lose or be damaged. I am whole and perfect, just as I am. That is the sign I will hang in the new space.

What the hell am I waiting for??!!!!

I want to blow this pop stand.

So step right up - demolition is on the menu!
My tool belt holds a sledgehammer of courage to bust open the blocks, nails of honesty to hit home the truth, spackle of love to fill in the cracks, and a level of wisdom to balance things out.

Time to bust this joint wide open.

Letting Go of 8

2011-04-23T06:43:00.000-07:00

I stepped on the scale for the first time in 3 weeks yesterday.
To my great excitement it reflected my loss of 8 lbs.
I didn't really lose them. I know right where they went- because I let them go.

Seeing that number drove home the realization and provided tangible proof that what I am doing is working. My effort is resulting in a shift of my energy in so many ways.
8lbs in 3 weeks may not seem like much, but assure you it is a small number made up of tons of stress, worry, fear, loathing, mistrust, and even a little self-hate thrown in for good measure. I let 8lbs of that go. Underneath that layer I have discovered :
love, trust, wonder, laughter, wisdom, divinity, possibility,bliss, awe, gratitude, light....and there is more to be discovered! Could this be any better??!!!

In numerology, the number eight pertains to: inspiration, results, power, ambition, vision, generosity, perseverance, forgiveness, broad-mindedness, and self-discipline.
It speaks about having the potential for enormous success and possibility of enrichment. It is the number of a leader and a survivor.

I am in the midst of a magnificent shift in my life.

This is not all from running, though that is by far and away the most rigorous of my methods. I am also following Geneen Roth's eating guidelines from her book "Women, Food, and God". I don't follow them to the letter everyday. For the most part, I do. And I enjoy my relationship with food more than I have since I was a kid. Food is not my enemy- it is the fuel that helps me to do the work of letting go. Some of Geneen's guidelines:

"Eat without distractions- no music, no tv, no reading."
This forces me to be more present and mindful about what I am taking in. The tastes and textures. And it is not unusual for me to have gratitude for all of the forces that brought me my meal.

"Eat when you are hungry, stop when you are full."
A no brainer, right? Surprisingly, I realized that I nosh a lot when I am bored or just trying to avoid, comfort, or distract myself. Now I wait until I am hungry. And I don't fill myself beyond what I need. Eating without distractions helps a lot to decipher that information. It opens up the channel for me to really listen to what my body is communicating to me.

"No food is is off limits."
Whoo Hoo! You'd think instantly I would be ingesting pizza, and cake whenever possible. But no, I haven't. When my body tells me it wants a slice of pizza, I have it. Only when I am hungry, and I stop when I am full. As I become more tuned into my body, I listen beyond the emotional craving for a food, once I get clear about what I am feeling. That emotional craving comes from feeling a lack somewhere inside me, that can not be soothed by food. So when those feelings are triggered, I stop and listen to them. They just want to be heard and acknowledged.

Once I honor that in myself, there is room for the expression of my cells, bones, and blood. When I listen to them, they tell me they want things like egg scrambles with chard, onion, turkey bacon and cheese. They want soup made heartily of vegetables and chicken sausage with a sourdough roll. They want a salad made of leafy greens with walnuts, and strawberries, red onion and cottage cheese. They want one really delicious little cookie to savor and enjoy. They want water. They want grilled asparagus and a cheeseburger. It's not even that my eating was terrible before- I am eating a lot of the same things now. I am just doing it with a great deal more awareness than previously.

For me, once I eliminated the idea that there were things I could not eat- I no longer feel the desire to have them much. And when I do allow myself to indulge in a once forbidden food, it takes every effort to enjoy each bite instead of loathing myself for being "weak". I eat less and find pleasure more in myself, as well as in the act of nourishing my body.

The other amazing things that contribute to this shift, is that I am trusting in myself more than before and I am meditating almost daily.

By trusting in me, I am opening up and expanding. I am letting new people and experiences in. I am allowing my brilliance to shine like never before. I am allowing myself to be vulnerable and a little more naked than I am used to.

By establishing a meditation practice for myself, I am more present in my skin. I have provided a tool that enables me to be protected and grounded as a sensitive, which does not involve building an energetic wall around my body, made of food. I create a safe space to unload and download. I give myself something sacred every time I take the time to plug in for 5 to 20 minutes a day and connect that which is greater than myself. That of which is the point of origin and what makes up all that I am- Love.

I am allowing myself to be filled up by delight and the light of what it means to be Paula in this world. And though that can be overwhelming some days, most of the time I am pretty damn happy to be here. Owning my divinity and fearing the magnitude of it less everyday. I own that I may be small, and I am powerful. I look forward to letting go of more weight, to make room for the lightness that lives inside every cell of my body.

I finally found it. Though I am taking the long way out, I'll never let that go.

I run to burn

2011-04-16T20:20:00.001-07:00

I can run for 30 minutes.
That is a huge accomplishment for this petite woman.
Because this petite woman has worked hard a resisting the run, always doubting myself and what I am capable of physically. Clumsy and unsure, never being able to embrace the athletic inclinations of my zodiac for fear I would fail. Or that I would look ridiculous.
Genetics coupled with my own fear have helped me to build up a wall around myself.
The layers are thick with varying colors of emotions and memories.
And I am tired of carrying them around.
They are sooooooooo heavy. Laden with unsung woe.
So I run. On the elliptical.
Today, as I was striding toward my peak, it occurred to me that I was loving it.
Every beautiful, painful second. It is not about how many calories I can burn, or how far I can propel myself on a stop watch.
It is about how much I can let go of in 30 minutes. The day's worries and stresses I accumulate.
The feelings of not being enough of something, too much of something and less than what I want to be and who I take myself to be. The fear of how I look running down my dream. I no longer give a flying fuck.
I let go of the fear and make room for the confidence that inevitably sets in when I hit my mark, walk out the doors in to the cool air of evening. The air hits my sweaty skin and the sensation reminds me of what I have accomplished in a short time. The wind gently tousles my hair. I close my eyes and drink in the moment.
This. This feeling- this moment- exactly- I run for that.
I run to burn of the layers that keep me prisoner to my own fear about who I am and where I want to go.
And I don't run from the past, or the promise of the future.
I run for the present moment, when my heart is beating wildly, breath staggering from my chest, the beat of the music in my ear- this moment where I am aware of how alive I am.
Deliciously, gorgeously alive.
And I am grateful to be in this body, living this exact life, creating these perfect moments strung together.

Susan Miller Says

2011-03-31T21:07:00.000-07:00

Dear Future Love,
Susan Miller of Astrology Zone says that this April, is finally, finally my true love month. Aspects and transits, for which I will spare the details, point to the most favorable time of my romantic life to date.
Sure, I am an astrologer myself, but even I don't put all of my faith in the stars.
But just in case, I thought it couldn't hurt if I wrote to you.
You are out there somewhere.
I know you are.
Of that I am sure.
Most of the time.
I like to think that maybe the reason we haven't gotten together is because we were both really busy working through lessons in other relationships. Prerequisite classes for our time.
I don't believe in love at first sight.
And I am so over lust at first sight.
What I am hoping for us- is somewhere in the middle.

Sometimes, when faced with intense emotions and situations, I get dumbstruck. Tongue-tied. Yeah me. That will make more sense as you get to know me. I am trying to liberate myself from the fear that induces the deer-in-the-headlights look. That's part of the reason for this letter here.
Maybe if I say it- say all the words out load in such a public way, it will lend me courage in that moment. The one where we look at each other, and know.
You are the peanut butter to my jelly.
And if in that moment you hesitate, even for a second wondering- don't- because I will say yes.
I will.
I'm just shy. Like you. When it comes to matters of my deep heart.
And I am tired of being the one to initiate. That's one thing I have learned from my relationships past. This is the signal. This is the green light. Please be bold, where I am concerned.It gets hard to read between the lines, and my intuition will only take me as far as my imagination will allow me to dream.
I want to be seen and accepted.
I want to be adored and affected.
I want to to lean on and let you in.
I want equal give and take and to be ensconced in the love we make.
I want to love with my whole self.
I haven't done these things yet. Because I wasn't ready to call it in.
And now I am. From the top of the hill I live on, I shout out to the world- with you somewhere in it:
" Come see about me. Come take my hand and gift me with your smile, your piercing, soul-full eyes and the willingness to be what we will. Come open your heart and let the love you've made pour out to meet with mine. There, in that space between us is where the adventure begins."

So there you go. It's yours when you are ready. All you have to do is ask. Meanwhile, back at the ranch, I'll keep stepping along in my pleasant little life. Patient. And even a little skeptical towards Ms. Miller's prediction.
But I will be hoping too.
For me.
For you.
What is yet to be.

With love,
Me

T.G.I.F- Thank God- I 'm Fabulous!

2011-03-29T14:27:00.000-07:00

Just arriving home from an early afternoon brunch with my BFF.
On this rainy, gray, wet day it was wonderful to re-connect with a person who is a bright spot in my life. Sometimes I forget what we are to each other (well, it's true Babycakes! I do!) Because I get so wrapped up in my life away from our friendship. Each of us has monumental happenings both large and small, and shifts of perception and induced clarity, a thousand times a day. Distractions and personal gardens of growth we are constantly tending to.
But when we do connect- earth to fire- fire to earth, it is always an uplifting time.
We chatted about the deeper sides of our lives- what's REALLY going on internally, and the effects those happenings have externally.
The stuff I don't talk to everyone about.
The stuff that maybe only a handful of you might truly be open to connecting with.
And why is that?
Because we are afraid of the brilliance reflected back at us, in those moments of vulnerable connection. Something is seen there, that is too easily passed over with the everyday naked eye.
My entire life, I have walked through the world, sometimes knowingly, and sometimes unknowingly, seeing clearly the brilliance in others. Intuitively, clips of their lives play out before me. Moments filled with passion and emotions born of fire. I see it there.
I see the good, the bad, and the ugly.
I see the lonely, the connected, and the beautiful.
I see the sun shining in it's personal Universe, inside the average man on the street.
I see where the lights went out and the complete surrender to ever finding their way back to the effervescent illumination.

I see all of this, maybe a hundred times a day, depending on the place I am, geographically. It happens in an instant. So quick, I often don't register it as unnatural.

Recently, an interaction and discussion with another friend, had me stunned to realize the magnitude of my own fear of my own brilliant fabulousness. This friend, like no other I had met, could see into me, the way I see into others. Well, maybe not quite the same- specifics were not mentioned. The eyes that looked into mine, pierced through my confidence, and shattered my pre-occupations with others by reflecting back the most lovely, brilliant light. Mine.
I knew it was there.
I talk about it being there. A lot.
I remind others of their own.
I had accepted that just knowing mine was there, and that others could see it as a beacon for which to locate theirs, was enough.
Until I saw mine.
Because it scared the shit out of me.
I felt vulnerable, naked. Embarrassed at my lack of coverage.
Try as I might, to cover it, it would not be nullified. It haunted me.
How did it take this person to come into my life and show me this about myself?
Obviously, it's because now, more than ever- I am ready to see it.

And I have tried to cover it up- that blinding, magical, pulsing energy of the Universe which is contained in this human vehicle.
The extra weight I carry? Yes, some of it is genetic. PCOS challenges my metabolism to work differently than most. My hormones need assistance to balance.
The fat, such an ugly word, is there to protect me. Its a layer to keep out the energies of others. I am sensitive- incredibly sensitive to those around me. I soak up energy and feelings like a sponge. And this innate sense I have to do that, also caused me to build up a wall. Brick by brick. From the moment of conception, construction began.
There has been much comfort derived with the building the wall. It keeps me from being vulnerable. It keeps me from truly being aligned. There is a part of me that rationalizes that it keeps me safe from emotional hurt- mine or others. It keeps who I really am, hidden from view.
Even from myself.
Until recently.
Dear God, I was completely shaken to my core by that vision of myself.
The fear is enough to keep me building. How can I handle that? What do I do with it? Who am I, if I let myself shine without blocking the view?
I don't know.
The larger, wiser, loving part of me challenges me to put down the brick in my hand and stop. It knows what will happen.
Everything I want, need, and am is held within that light.
The searching will end.
It will just be.
Marianne Williamson wrote:
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
God, Universe, Buddha, Allah,The Force, The Talking Walnut- whatever you call it matters very little. It exists inside each of us no matter what it is named. It's presence is undeniable.
But so easily we shrink away from that.
We drink. We smoke. We eat. We have sex. We engage in co-dependent, miserable relationships. We play video games. We read gossip websites. We workout incessantly. We take drugs.We gamble, with our money, our energy, our time. These things done on their own are not negative- when they are done to block and numb out our light- that's when they become unhealthy.
Liberation from fear continues for me. A conscious work effort to behold the light of brilliant truth and love that exists in me. I am worthy. So are you.
While at brunch with my BFF, she gave me my belated birthday gift. A Indian cookbook (to nourish myself with the exotic!) and a card. The above picture. TGIF. That pin attached to the card, is my reminder and merit badge.
It's yours too.
Thank God I am FABULOUS! We are FABULOUS!
Fuck yeah.

The Point

2011-03-26T17:01:00.001-07:00

The Universe is constantly placing us exactly where we are meant to
be,
and it is with open eyes and hearts, that we are able to trust in the
forward motion we are propelled to go.

Life goes on and that is the struggle, the beauty and the gift. The
whole point is simply to remember who we really are.

To All the Ones Who Let Me Go

2011-03-26T15:58:00.000-07:00

Thank you.
For breaking my heart.
For making me question my own agendas.
Thank you for making me see parts of myself that needed loving illumination.
Thanks for the laughter.
Thanks for the hot tears of anger.
Thanks for the tender goodbyes.
Thanks for the inside jokes that will live on- our own private shrine to our time spent together.
Thank you for loving me enough to know I wasn't what you needed.
Thank you for pushing me forward into this place I am now.

This afternoon, after a light nap, I stood looking out the window of my room.
The sun was dancing through the clouds, and a mist of rain swirled around intermittently. .
There between the veils of this place and the next, I saw it.
In the quiet, of my mind, and my heart, my soul.
I glimpsed, for the first time in years, what is to come for me.
And for everyplace I went searching for what is on it's way to me now, of it's own timing and accord- I see the purpose behind it all so clearly.
It is almost blinding.
Something in me has turned over into a new direction, surprising and completely unexpected. The walls I have worked to dismantle, and the load I have worked to lighten are in plain sight.
There is a calm residing in my bones like I have never known.
Come what may, when it will.
Fear is absent and the connection true and absolute.
I wait patiently for it's arrival, the word "yes", on the tip of my tongue a thousand times a day. I understand that I could not receive it so openly in my heart, if not for
the ones who let me go.
Thank you.

women food and god

2011-03-24T21:46:00.001-07:00

12 pages into this book by Geneen Roth I am f'n riveted. This book isn't just for the women.
It's amazing.
It's true.
It gets right to the heart of it in 12 pages.
Damn.
I strongly urge you to go to your local library or book store and checkout or buy this book.
Seriously.
More later.

Signs of life and the dead speak in Silence

2011-03-22T11:02:00.000-07:00

Last night after a particularly weird and jarring dream, I awoke with the intent to go for a walk in my neighborhood.
In my dream, I had done just that.
I woke up, put on my clothes and coat, and shoes and walked out the door.
It is overcast, as usual. But the sun was working hard to shine though the gray veil. The air smelled like rain. And in fact, it was dropping in tiny drops. Uninhibited by the rain, I walked down the driveway, and onto the street. Up the hill, down the hill, around the windy road.
I was looking for signs of life.
They were every where.
The gentle buds on flowering trees. The pink blossoms on the tree in my neighbor's yard, which seemed to bloom overnight.
The happy daffodils. The shy hyacinths. The wind whispering on my face, cold and invigorating.
My legs moved and my feet anchored into the earth with every step. I found myself wondering if I was a tree, what kind of tree would I be.
Something with silvery colored leaves. Like a eucalyptus tree.
Half-way up the walk, I stopped to visit the Jewish Cemetery on my street. I love cemeteries. They are a really peaceful place for me. I don't actually get much interaction with the spirit world, when I am there. I might get some wispy spirits. But I made sure to have my shields up when I stepped foot onto that hollow ground. I find it's easier for me to get my bearings there. The dead mostly speak with their silence. I like wandering around the tombstones, and taking notice of the husbands and wives birthdays.I ponder their connections as I decipher their zodiac signs. What were there lives like together? Occasionally they talk back. I chuckle. Even in the afterlife, there is a sense of humor.
Walking up my driveway, I checked the time. I had been gone almost exactly an hour.
I felt refreshed and grounded. Ready to take on my day.
I just needed to be outside.

taming the fire

2011-03-21T20:01:00.000-07:00

It's difficult for me to sometimes keep my fire in check.
I react quickly to situations that ignite a hot reaction.
Stepping back and asking "what would Love do here?" has been something I have been trying to incorporate into my daily life.
Being grounded has been important.
Creating a protective bubble against the emotions I pick up around me. It becomes harder to separate myself from what I psychically take on, versus what is actually mine. I finally figured out the reasons I don't like to talk on the phone, or be in crowds, or busy places in general, I more often than not prefer the silence to noise- because my gentle psychic self cannot handle it. It's too much. Any opportunity I can take to be alone without interruptions, I seize zestfully. Though I don't want to be a hermit. I do want to be a sassy little witch living in her Magic Cottage, on her Witchy Wonderland.
So I put my roots down, and my branches up, shields full power.
Learning to walk in the world, being as sensitve as I am, grounded and available. Balance between earth and sky.
Sun and moon.
Yin and yang.
In and out.
Of and On.
And on, it goes.
Om Namah shivaya.

too much yin, not enough yang

2011-03-20T19:30:00.000-07:00

Lately, I have been thinking, meditiating on, and observing vibrations.
Sounds of the soul.
Chakral alignment.
Kundalini.
Energy imbalance.

It occurred to me, around my birthday in November, that the male energy in my life is seriously lacking.
I Am not just talking about the fact that I am sans boyfriend these days.
When I look around on my facebook page, or in my phone book, the number of male friends that I would genuinely like to hang out with and shoot the shit with is limited to a number on one hand.
When my guy friends pair off with their ladies, the friends often get the shaft. Because if the S.O. doesn't know you, or like you, then it's kind of weird to hang out.

And I have finally, after working at it and sometimes embarrassing myself to an a crazy extreme, have stopped acquiring male friends that I am crushing on and have hidden agendas with. (Although I have heard it expressed that guys are not friends with girls they wouldn't be..cough.. intimate with {which leads me to ask myself, is that the reason why I don't have as many close male friends as I once did- because I am not found attractive. Great. Way to make my self esteem take a nosedive into oblvion. Because let's face it- our egos want us to be desired and found attractive.}).
And I guess, to a certain degree, I do find all of my male freinds somewhat attractive. Definately some more than others. However, I no longer desire to be in a realtionship with any of them.
Oh crap. I have digressed so far, that I have lost my point.....
....er... uh....OH, right!

As I was saying- the number of close guy friends compared to my close female friends is seriously imbalanced.
Which makes me think about my body and the fact that it is fighting a daily battle to balance out the male and female hormones/energies in my body. As a woman with PCOS, I have high levels of testosterone. (which can be great news for my boyfriends- high sex drive is peaked when coupled.) But there are negatives to that situation too.
There has to be a connection.
Can I bring balance to both areas?
There is a lot of yin in my life- meditation, reflection, female bonding and friendships,nurturing,most of the music I listen too is softer in it's tone customer service, living on my own, creating art, 3 out of 4 health care providers are female, even my cat is female.
Would balancing my yin and yang energies allow me to vibrate at another level that would attract more male energy into my life? I am also fully cognizant, of the fact that I have such strong boundaries up, due to my issues of being hurt by men I let in closely. Is my recognition of this lack, an indication of me relaxing and changing the boundaries? There is something in me that has to open up to let it in.
And I will be honest.
I want to open myself up and let in new energies.
And....
I am scared shitless to do it.
Yet....I am creating the opportunities. I just keep breathing, praying, asking, and surrendering to what comes up. I said I wanted a revolution, weeeellllll.... you know...

Tonight, as I was listening to DJ Quick on the ride home, I tapped into some of that more masculine energy and was rapping along in my car, bass pumping. Confidence rose as I spouted off the lyrical rhymes. Words so out of character for me, I think most people would be shocked.
Like the guy in office space, who sings gangsta rap in his car, on the way to work.
Yep.
Kinda like that. :)

Reminiscing on "My So-Called Life"

2011-03-02T21:50:00.000-08:00

Recently, a friend of mine lent me the first and only season of "My So-Called Life". I hadn't watched it since it was on, in 1994-1995. I myself was a sophmore in high school when it was on tv. And I remember identifying with the characters and the show itself. This is what made it so popular- because most everyone could relate on some level. Because we are all connected by similar experiences.

Watching the show again, the memories flooded back. My high school, in the mornings, where my locker was, eating lunch with my friends outside almost everyday, the boys I had what I was positive of at the time, the greatest love of all for. (I was the Queen of unrequited "love" back then.) I made art. I wore Birkenstocks and clogs. Hootie and the Blowfish, The Spice Girls, and the Cranberries dominated my tape player. I didn't have a car yet, and can still feel the texture of the green vinyl seats of the bus on the back of my legs.I remember my biology teacher, pretty and young- she was surely a cheerleader in high school, herself, always had outfits that were perfectly coordinated- right down to earrings. I remember the smell of the art rooms, and the freedom I felt to be myself in those spaces. Watching "Friends" and "Seinfeld" on Thursday nights on the little black and white tv in my room, while doing my homework.I recall reading " A Tale of Two Cities", and discovering Jane Austen during my solitary lunches in the library. * sigh* The nostalgia grips me like a vice for a moment, and then passes into relief for the fact that I am not there but I am here now. Looking back, I couldn't wait to get out of there. To hurry up and make the grades, get the diploma and start living my life.
And yet, watching this show again, bubbles up parts of the girl I was then and how she still influences me ever so subtly today. I wonder what it would be like to go back and do it all over again, except as the woman I am now. The wisdom and knowledge I have gained about life in my tool box of survival against my peers and my parents. Would I have partied more? Probably not. I was in a hurry to grow up, but not nearly as hurried as some of the kids I went to school with.
I waited for sex, drugs and rock and roll until years later. Thankfully, the wait made those experiences easier to handle, because I had the mature emotions to deal with those experiences. God, I would have been a wreck if I had been partying it up in high school! Drinking on a school night? Man, I can barely have a glass of wine and function now!
Somewhere among my boxes of keepsakes, I have a letter that I penned to myself from that era. It's a time capsule of sorts, as it has it written on the front not to open until 2015. At the time, it seemed like an impossibly long time away- light years away. Now that its 2011, I realize if I can hold out for 4 more years, I will have followed my own instructions. Sometimes, I get very curious about that letter, laying in bed at night. What did I write to myself? What bits of information did I want to be sure to pass on, because I was so sure it was necessary for me to remember, years later?
I do know, sitting here in my Magic Cottage, I am living a life I didn't quite see for myself. Not that I had an exact vision then. But if feels like its all happening simultaneously. Sometimes, if I wake up in the middle of the night, before I open my eyes to get up and go to the bathroom, I can put myself right back there- to the house on Brogden Street. The house quiet, except for the dog's snores. My family asleep. The hum of the refrigerator in the kitchen. My cat, curled up next to me, and the ticking sound of my alarm clock. I am back in my room with its lavender walls and also in my bedroom at the Magic Cottage. Because it is all happening at the same time- those moments tucked away in my mind, happening all over again, as I am in the here and now.
The questions I had then, have evolved into new questions now. And some mysteries have been reve4aled while others remain elusive. Like Angela getting into Jordan Catalano's car and driving away, on the cliffhanger of the century- the possibilities and the not knowing are kind of perfect, hand in hand, in their own way.

lifer's block

2011-02-25T07:05:00.000-08:00

If I think back on it, there have been times I was sure of the connection. To myself, to everyone, the earth. There have been more times than not, where I have simply accepted the idea of connection, because it just is. But somewhere between those two places- the total acceptance and the understated knowing- I got away from it.
Unplugged.
And while I have been unplugged, I have been blocked.
After a recent conversation, where I hardly got a word in edgewise over an hour, my soul felt a bit lectured.
Remember that?
Feel that resonate within you?

Yes, some of it. Yes indeed.
Some of it, lots of it, my ego says, was a bit of projection from the proverbial soapbox.
yes, well, that's nothing new.
True.
So what is new?

The unrest.
Egypt isn't the only one seeking independence.
I wake up alone and have, for most of my life.
In the mornings, is when things seem most clear. The clarity sometimes comes with an uncomfortable and familiar feeling. The quiet of the mind.Gratitude for another day. Gratitude for the blessings that I have received.

Something is lacking.
Because I am not as open as I have been at times in my life.
I am blocked, by my own hand, so to speak.So much isn't working the way I really want it to. Let's get authentic. Let's get real about that. And by let's - I mean me.

To The Moon

2011-02-10T09:40:00.000-08:00

missing him, cursing him, respecting him, questioning him, cherishing him, wondering about him, feeling him, loving him. 7 years ago today I lost my dad to the Great Mystery. In the years since, much has been learned about my connection to him and how he has affected me in my life. Dad- thanks for all of it. The hard and painful stuff, and the joyful and whimsical. I am who I am partly because of you. Loving you.....

Hibernation

2011-01-21T09:42:00.000-08:00

October through January are the roughest months for me, mentally.(Especially this year- my brother got into a freak bicycle accident and spent a night in the hospital the week of Christmas, and I contracted a nasty stomach virus that mimicked food poisoning and made me miss a friend's wedding on New Years Eve. Ugh. December sucked.) Working in retail just zaps me. So much is needed from me- by the end of my day I can't even think about returning a phone call, a text or a facebook comment.
I don't want to.
I want to be left alone.
A lot of times when I come home, I don't turn on the stereo or the tv. I just blissfully allow myself to be undone by the silence in the cottage.
There is a sense of guilt that comes from my lack of communicating. I know people want to connect with me, and I just don't have anything leftover to give. I have always been an all or nothing kind of person. For me, I don't feel right about connecting with someone unless I can give them 100% of my undivided attention. The energy that is taxed from my job and the daily responsibilities of my life is frustrating.
My personality, as a Sagittarius, has always naturally rebelled against clingy energies or demands on my time, life, ways of doing things..it's a blessing and a curse. Independence and freedom are two things I make sure I have for myself. Without them I would be so unhappy. I have to be able to do what I know is best for me, and that includes a self imposed hibernation period.
For the last 3 years, in January, immediately following inventory after New Year's, I schedule for myself a "communication vacation". No phone, no email, no appointments. This year I took a whole week off, and I aside from attending a friend's 30th birthday and a massage- I stayed home. I napped. I caught up on some natal charts. I worked on a puzzle. I napped some more. I watched a few movies. I read some books. I journaled. I reflected. I relaxed. I recalibrated myself. I gave myself the gift of being left alone.
3 days ago, I went back to work. I was ready to. I felt refreshed, confident and ready to be present and accomplish goals.
I feel that way in general now.
The open sign is on and up. I am ready to plug back into my world. Which means a slew of emails, phone calls, and appointments will be made in the next week.
It also means I feel ready to be more present in my relationships. I am ready to connect and give my energy.
But I 'll pace myself and carry over the relaxed tone I have been enjoying. Gotta do it all in my own way, in my own time.
That's just how I roll.

New Year, New Moon

2011-01-04T08:50:00.000-08:00

Tonight is the first new moon, of the new year.
I was born under a new moon. I feel like that lunar energy adds to my innate optimism.

Inside my head, ideas dance. I am full up of inspiration for new projects. Lots of furniture painting/finding. Redecorating. Paintings I want to create. Gifts to make. Dishes to cook. *SIGH* not enough hours in the day.

I have to keep reminding myself, that I am not in a hurry. That this is my life. The doing. The coming and going. The being. The creating. I am living it right now. It doesn't need to be finished RIGHT NOW. I can take my time. Because I am not going anywhere. This is my home and I am in it.

Fast Away

2010-12-31T11:05:00.000-08:00

Fast Away the old year passes.

So long 2010 and all of your hard- learned lessons. Welcome 2011. 1.1.11!

This last week of the year, has been filled with lots of happenings: my brother in the hospital and now ok, me contracting wicked food poisoning and missing a dear friend's wedding today, due to mentioned illness. Thats just this last week and half!

Looking back over my 2010 personal plan of action, the theme was cleaning out the nooks and crannies of my life. Boy, I did not know what I was getting into! Let's recap shall we?

"Deep cleaning of the nooks and crannies of every part of my life to allow the total embrace of the greater possibilities."

my home- go through every cupboard, every corner, and let go of the things that are no longer serving me. Dust, vacuum, clean. ( As it turns out, I cleaned it out so well that I cleaned myself into a new home! Hello Magic Cottage!!! Small actions can have big, unexpected results.)

meet with Portland astrologer and enroll in private lessons (I took lessons off and on in 2010. I expect to do more of that in 2011.)

make more time for giving intuitive readings- thin about shifting my job schedule to accommodate this work. (Read for a few new people)

be creative everyday- sew something, paint something, doodle something- whatever. (was more playful, but not nearly as creative as I wanted to be. Having space to create now, will hopefully inspire an increase!)

my body- let's move more, shall we? Dance, stretch, hike, walk for 30 minutes everyday. Let's also make time for stillness in here. Let's meditate and be still in our skin.( I definately hiked more than I have before. I got lax, though. I need to get back into it. Exercise was off and on.)

my head- let's clear out some of these old beliefs that have served as blocks- holding me back from knowing and embracing what I know is possible. If I can dream it- I can do it. Let's go back to therapy and dig really deep in there- body image issues, childhood building block beliefs, parental influences, ancestral influences- all of it. Let's lighten the load and let go of feeling so stuck in this body and this life! (Whoa, whoa, whoa! This is where I did the most work. This was also the hardest. And its never done. I did make some huge dents in the iceberg though. Major progress forward- discovering key blocks and breaking them down. Going back to therapy was a huge catalyst for the emotional excavating that occurred. "

There were other things too, that I didn't make time for or that are spilling over into 2011, such as:

*making time to be creative everyday- either in a big or small way
*making exercise a part of my daily life. I am planning to join a gym in January. I don't care that it is cliche- its also symbolic for me. (I am also looking forward to purchasing a new gym bag and eventually a new ipod for my daily jaunts.)
*finishing up the payment of my debt.( I am sooooo close! This is the year I conquer it and then begin to SAVE!!!!!!!!)
*welcome a new love relationship into my life. It's time. It's been over 3 years since my last relationship. In that time, I have worked hard at letting go of beliefs that have blocked me from accepting real love into my life. I want this to be the time. It is the time. I am ready to be loved and to give love. I am excited to see who comes into my life to share in that lesson with me.
*combat my stress. walk, exercise, swim, yoga, meditation. I want to incorporate all of these methods into my life.( When I am stressed, I am snappy and unpleasant. I am tired and run-down. I want to choose to be energized in my life.)
*travel- I want to go back east, maybe to Hawaii, and up to Canada in 2011.
*try NIA dance and see how it makes me feel.
*volunteer- I have a lot to give and not enough time to give it, it seems. My time is the most precius thing I can give and I want to share it with a purpose and cause.

lots of little things to do- finish setting up my home, make art, commit to selling my work, buy a washer and dryer, Cook more. Have dinner parties with friends. And I want to hug people more often. I want to be a better hugger. Yes.

As always with new years, it feels vast and open. A blank slate waiting to be filled up with possibility, wisdom and adventure.

May it be so for you and yours.YES!

A light in the Dark

2010-12-22T19:32:00.000-08:00

Last night I burned the box.
Gathered with a few others, around the fire, their own boxes to burn.

We released the things that no longer serve us, and welcomed in the light.

It was a much needed occasion, as I had spent half the day at the hospital with my brother. He had a freak bicycle accident which ended with him being rushed to the hospital. He is ok, back at home now and resting. I am so very, very grateful he is alright, sustaining few injuries.

To be in the light, of the light - that is what sustains us through the winter.

I am so excited for Christmas this year. In a few days, I will be able to take a break from the world and gather with my family for a day of rest and leisure, celebrating the magic of the season.

Because after many years of being blind to it - I see it more clearly this year than I have in a long time.

Merry Christmas to you and yours. Sending love and reminding you of your light....

Blessed Be.

Ghost Town

2010-12-15T12:18:00.000-08:00

I found myself driving through the ghost town of my heart last evening. The place I was conceived, born,broken and left behind many times.

I understand now my own mother's aversion to North Portland. It is haunted and it haunts me.

That place gives me so much anxiety. The ghosts of memories past swimming around, a knot in my stomach.

Here is the place I was left behind. Here is the place I played as a child. Here is where my family came from. Here is where he took my hand and kissed me on the street. Here is where he died. Here is where a part of me died and lingers.... and so it went.

I had to call Shauna by the time I made it through, painfully stirred up, to Janzen Beach. I needed her to talk me down from the ledge of anxiety. Someone who beleived in me- who knows this journey from her own time spent on it.
I was on my way to a family reunion of my mother's family- almost all of which I had not seen in over a decade. And I was a wreck.

Lost in my own place of origin. Does this place define me? Who I am and where I will go?

I have always preached that we cannot know who we really are until to we truly understand where we come from.

And where is that for me exactly? A lot of pain. A lot of suffering, lying dormant these many years, only to be triggered into awakness by people, places- words essentially.

I feel stuck in this place- swimming in a sea of anguish like I have not know before. Words fail me in some ways... and yet I am here typing these words out.

Scooping.
Purging.
Pouring. Begging for it to be over.

I think about making a map- a map of the places that hurt in this town. And to go to each one by myself. And feel it. Observe what comes up for me. Feel it to its maximum being. And then..... ask myself if I need to hold onto that place, that person, that feeling.

I know the answers before I will speak them. But experience makes up for where words fail.

Driving home from my cousin's last night, and a reunion of 4 generations of women, I was behind my Grandmother and her boyfriend, with my mother behind me. Driving on the freeway past the exits that lead to painful memories. And I thought to myself-" Wow. Look how loved you are in this moment. These people- your family- are supporting you and protecting you in this moment through this painful place. Look at that. Unknowingly, there presence soothes you and reminds you that you don't just come from one place- you come from many . And you will visit more in the time to come. "

this too shall pass....

Dear Shauna

2010-12-13T09:43:00.000-08:00

My best friend, the lovely and Talented Shauna has started a new blog.
With my name on it.
What a tribute, right? :)

6 years ago, my BFF moved to San Diego to take up residence with her father, step-mom and their kids. She went to sort out some questions and connections for herself. In the end, she came home to where her heart could be whole and left a very difficult part of her life there. There is more to it- but that is her story to tell.

While she was there over the course of about 6 months- we wrote each other everyday. To this day, it is the most constant I have ever been in my communication. Both of us had questions to ask, while the other offered clues to the answers the other sought. Our words, heartfelt, deep, raw and beautiful connected us to times of great transition in our lives. I was still mourning the sudden death of my father that previous Feb, and by the time she came home in Nov, D. and I had just began dating only days before. Wow. That was a long time ago! And how far we have come....

In the spirit of those deep daily emails we sent one another, and also to highlight the gifts and talents of the brilliant writer Shauna is- she began a blog called "Dear Paula". The first entry was on my birthday- a sweet gorgeous gift to receive from my soul sister, so dear.

Stop by and check it out, won't you?

http://www.deartylerstracker.com

xoxoxoxoxoxo

In honor of Mercury's retrograde

2010-12-11T18:37:00.000-08:00

It's a time of review, re-evaluation and reflection when mercury goes retrograde. I find it especially poignant this time of year. This time around, Mercury is retrograde Dec 10-30. Some of the darkest days of the year, and at the tail end of 2010, no less.

I haven't been writing about what I have been up to lately because it's been deep work I am doing on the interior of my soul, heart, head and chakras etc. Too much information for here, maybe. But then again- I promise always to deliver the true, raw, honest truth in this space. So why not? Maybe there is something in my words for you, dear reader.

Having had a pretty significant breakthrough about my relationship patterns due to my family's patterns has been heavy to say the least. I come from, on my dad's side, on the dark side of things, a family where there has been generations of sexual abuse. I am glad to say the cycle doesn't include me, but it affects me nonetheless.

As a girl of 14, my father left me. Emotionally I was scarred, never to be the same. He left me and my brother for his own reasons. To deal with the heat of actions made past and the spotlight of crimes committed. I'd like to think he spared us. But it left a whole in my heart. It left me feeling I was unlovable. What was so wrong with me that my own father cut himself totally and completely out of my life for 6 years? I was devastated.

It was not the first time he had left me. He never had it to give to me- emotional availability was something he himself had turned off long before my time- when he was still a boy enduring unspeakable things. He was wounded, and as such wounded me.

My relationships, most notably with my ex, D., mirrored these feelings of me seeking out my father's love, approval, emotional support,acceptance and admiration. D. is a lot like my dad. From his zodiac sign, to the fact he lived 2 blocks from the house I was conceived in, to a shared sexual abuse wound, anit-socialness, emotional availability, right down to how he looks. D. was my father reincarnated. I was and had been fighting, for the duration of our time together, for the attachment of my father. I wanted this man to make up for all the things I didn't get from my dad. I literally begged for him to do so, not knowing that is what I was doing.

The knowledge of my subconscious actions has shifted my perception greatly. I am in so much gratitude for this man, and how he helped see these things about myself. He is not a perfect man, and yet I will always have a deep love and respect for the parts of ourselves we grew and shared together.

He has finally moved on and met a new lady. This news was met with hurt. It's not him- truthfully we don't fit together and it is not meant to work out. Learning about him being in a new relationship, triggered in me again- those feelings of value and worth I have been working to heal.

What is so wrong with me that I am not in a relationship, and he is?
I have been working incredibly hard and diligently at healing my wounds, and yet he is with someone.
I feel like I got left behind again.
But I didn't. This has nothing to do with him. Not really. This is all on me. (And I am thankful to know he gets that.)
It echoes for me the feelings that say I am not lovable because I am not in a relationship with a man who loves and accepts me and he has found that (at least I imagine so.)

For him- I wish so much good. I love, love, love this man though I am not in love with him anymore.I know he has the same love for me - that's the beautiful part of it all, recognizing that in each other. I want for him to be happy and to be with a women who fits him and be for him what I always wanted to be, but am not destined to be. I long for the day when we can be real friends, laughing over silly things like people do when they know each other well and care. I look forward to the day when seeing him and hearing his voice does not make me react from the place of the wounded girl. I want to make peace with the hurt- to let it go. To allow the teenage girl who was abandoned by her father a chance to know real love-ablity. I look forward to the day when I am not working so hard on this dark spot in my bright soul. I long for the day when I can love my whole self with a man who does too.

So in honor of Mercury, I am digging deeper- further than I have ever gone to scoop out the broken bits. I have started to write down everything I am angry about in regards to the three men who have hurt me most in my life- D., my father, and my grandfather. I write down the things I am angry at myself for. All the hurt, frustration and agony I have allowed to grow. I write these words, and place them in a little black box. Through the ritual of ceremony, I plan to burn the box and let it all go. Up into the sky, to the heavens, to the stars for God to take into his being and hold for me. To fashion something new and lovely out of the pain I have endured. No more. I want 2011 to be a year of magic, possibility and at long last, true love.

Let it begin.

This week, I will be decorating the Magic Cottage for Christmas. I am really hoping to get everything photographed and have a home tour for you soon. Promise. :)

Happy reflecting, dear reader. From great change, comes great possibility.

Cozy Enchantment

2010-11-05T22:09:00.000-07:00

I Am so happy here.
Even when I am sick, this magical place somehow makes even that seem just fine.
There aren't any sources of light in the living room or loft, aside from lamps and the kitchen light. So I have put up white twinkle lights around the dining area, the fireplace mantle and along the loft railing. It lends its own kind of enchantment....

If you look closely, you will see Ellie snuggled up in the purple afghan on the sofa.
Sorry about the grainy pic- but it's faster these days if I upload from my phone....

The Magic Cottage

2010-10-14T21:32:00.000-07:00

It was late, on a Weds night that I found the ad.
I had been up again, combing through Craiglist in search of my next home. There was a desperate force driving me- feeding on the hope of sleeping in my own bed again soon (Derrick's couch was not a great long term solution for my back!).
"It has to be here somewhere!", I kept saying to myself.
"It has to!"

Friends had offered many tips on how to effectively apartment hunt on CL. Using different search words, and not limiting ads to just ones with pictures were the tips I adopted.
There I was again.... searching.

I typed in the word "cottage", again. Usually it showed homes waaaaayyy out of my price range. There at the bottom of the search results was an ad for a cottage that met all of my criteria.Yikes. It was $75. more than I wanted to pay. It is definately doable. If I really loved it, and felt it was worth the extra money.

There weren't any pictures in the ad. Hmmmm... this could be good...or this could be bad....I emailed the ad poster.

Friday, mid-morning I got a call from the owner of the cottage. I made an appointment to go out and see it, immediately after work, after hearing her give me more of a description. I had to jump on this before someone else did.

Driving over there, I was thinking of my list, the one I made with all of my desires for my next home. I hadn't held back- I asked for everything I could think I would want in my next home sweet home. I was feeling something on my drive there- was it the energies of what I wanted and what the Universe was opening up to give me, lining up???
This felt good. This felt like it might go somewhere....

I pulled up and the landlady met me at the end of the driveway. I liked her immediately. She seemed smart, kind, and soft of heart in all the right ways. She had kind eyes.

We chatted as we walked down to the end of the property, which is a 1/2 acre on the West Slope that is shared with her (in her house, built in the 40's), and J. the arborist (in his house built in the 60's or 70's) , between her house and the cottage (built in the 40's or 50's). As we approached the little blue cottage, I noted that it didn't look special. But seeing it's cheerful red door set my heart racing and my head buzzing. "Don't be so sure this ISN'T special!", I suddenly heard a voice inside me say. This feels so right....

We walked in and C. was chatting about what needed to be fixed, etc. I was only half listening as I took in the vaulted ceiling with its exposed dark wooden beams; the Pergo wood floors, the windows and the light, the fireplace* with its white brick; the sweet little kitchen with a dishwasher*; the stairs that led up to the loft. 60 seconds after walking in, I made a declaration.

"I want it." I said firmly.

This is my home. This is what I have been waiting for. This is it. I knew it as surely as I knew my own name. It was worth way more than the extra $75 bucks.This was SPECIAL.

"But you haven't seen the rest of it yet!" C. countered back.

"I don't care. I want it." I said with absolute certainty.

"OK." she said. "Let's look at the rest of it then."

I could tell she was not totally convinced about me just yet. She was cautious and intrigued all at once. She hadn't known me but 5 minutes; I understood her uncertainty and remained confident in my own commitment.

She took me up to the loft**. There is a closet*, a wonderful window, and a half bathroom**.

Then we went downstairs to the cute full bathroom*, the hall, the linen closet*, the master bedroom with door leading out to the courtyard** and closet*. To the 2nd(guest)room, with it's closets* one for storage, one for the washer & dryer hook ups*, and one with the new water heater and new gas furnace).Then came the beautiful big backyard. It had a rustic fire pit dug but the previous tenants**, so much space for a garden and a hammock and possibilities galore. Beautiful trees and shrubs everywhere.

While she was showing me the backyard, I met J. the arborist. As it happened he came home on a rare night ( C. said he was there at his place when not at his girlfriend's). We all chatted for a few minutes, and it felt nice. It felt easy and comfortable and strangely familiar. We would all get along very well together, I decided.

C. told me that there was 1,200 square feet in that cottage. That is literally 5 times the size of the Boundary Street place. Holy Crap. It's like living in a mansion compared to the happy shoebox I lived in for 3 years!

"You are gonna need more furniture!" C. exclaimed. "I have a lot of furniture just sitting in my basement you may want to use. Would you like to take a look at it?"
Dumbfounded, I replied, "Yes. Yes I would!!!"

I figured saying yes is something I should get used to because I have a feeling things are going to be going the way I want them too, in this next chapter. I will be saying yes a lot more often. Yes =things opening up positively.

Later that night, I emailed C. my application ,and was approved a few days later. Now, all that is left to do is to sign my lease this weekend, pick out furniture from her basement, and move in on Monday.

This is what I have been waiting for. I am beyond excited. And soooooooo grateful.

This cottage was made out of magic for me.

My list came true. My intentions were pure.

And as much as I wanted to settle down, I didn't settle.

And you know what?

I got way more than I ever thought possible for myself.
Believing in the possibilities, staying true to my deepest desires helped this cottage open up for me. I have seen what is possible and I have experienced first hand practical magic.

Magic is not just a thing of fairytales, friends.
It is real. When perfect timing,faith, and creativity line up- that's when it happens.

That's magic, my friends.

Pictures coming very soon!
*=item on my wishlist **=bonus (not on my list and welcomed)

Seven and counting

2010-10-14T21:23:00.000-07:00

Seven weeks have passed since I moved from Boundary Street. In that time I have:
spent hundreds of hours on Craiglist, searching for a new home
watched over a dozen movies
caught up on the Jersey Shore season 1 (I'll explain that one later. Trust me I am justified)
read 5 books
completed two hikes
cooked 5 new dishes (Morrocan Meatball, Squash, Chard Stew; Italian Meatsauce with GF noodles and Zucchini noodles, chicken meatball veggie soup; chicken veggie chili, GF pumpkin coconut pancakes; GF banana poppyseed macadamia nut bread )
attended thereapy to suss out the reason behind my relationship patterns
figured out above reasoning; reconciling and learning about family paradigms
bought 3 pairs of boots, 2 coats, 2 pairs of socks and 1 rug
paid of 90% of my debt

found my new home!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I will tell you the story of how it came to be in my next post. Stay tuned!

Forgotten

2010-09-24T19:47:00.000-07:00

"There is nothing worse, is there," she said, "than a past that has never been fully dealt with. One can convince oneself that it is all safely in the past and forgotten about, but the very fact we can tell ourselves it is forgotten proves that it is not."
Mary Balogh from "Simply Magic"

for reference later on....

2010-09-20T09:31:00.000-07:00

"Trust In Yourself"
I believe all of us have a built-in compass to help us get to whatever we desire to go. Don't forget to trust that compass, and refer to it often, for with that trusting will come the strength to bear whatever life deals you.

Don't get led astray. Ask your heart for the truth, and it will come with the answer and the good judgment to make the decisions you need to make. Love everyone, and don't question Love's reception. Do the best you can. Live each day as it comes.We can't get ahead of ourselves anyway.

Remember: just as you have questions now, somewhere inside you, and down the road, there will be better answers and workable solutions. It takes patience and trust to get through life's changes when you are trying to reach goals, solve problems, and make dreams come true. Though at times it may seem more than you can take, I know you are strong, and you can handle whatever comes your way. Trust in yourself.

-Donna Fargo

Stirred up

2010-09-17T08:48:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was one of the worst days I have had in a really long time.
I decided to see my ex, and in fact over the last two weeks we had dinner together.
I went and saw his new (old) house the other night. (no funny business)
I left incredibly sad.
It is the perfect house for him- so much potential. I am sad to know I won't ever get to see how it turns out.
We love each other, we miss each other, but there are still barriers that keep us a part.
My faith has been tested again, and I am even a little angry with the Guy Upstairs- why bring him back into my life, only to show me all that I cannot have? Why taunt me?
Why stir up all those feelings again?
Why after 3 years, after all the work I have done to move on, am I still in love with this man who is so wrapped up in fear he's scared to be with me again?
Why couldn't we do the work together to move forward into something new and joy-based?

I know- you all out there have your opinions:
He's not good enough for you.
He's just a fuck up who will never get his shit together.
He is a fool.
He's a nice guy who is just really screwed up in his heart and head.
You deserve better.

Blah, blah, blah.
Tell it to my heart- it doesn't hear those opinions when we look at each other and that deep connection zings through us. Those opinions do not comfort me, because no one knows us the way we do. He is the only guy who has ever GOTTEN me. He gets me and I get him. That is a rarity- and that is the thing I mourn. When you meet someone you fall in love with who gets you- its hard to let that go.

I don't know how to turn off the love, the connection or the hope. I am fighting an internal battle with myself about what to do. Therapy is scheduled for next week. Until then everything is hanging in limbo- my heart, my head, my home even.

This is a really shitty time in my life and I am not having fun.

Couch Surfing Through the Static

2010-09-01T19:07:00.000-07:00

All moved out.
Thank God.

It's liberating and disorienting to not be in my own space. I am so very thankful for my brother's generosity.
Ellie is holding up well- she's definitely jarred by all of the change. She deals with it by sleeping.
A lot.

One foot in front of the other, I am content just to show up for the day's work- and all that that may be.
Sometimes it take us back to places, only to move forward.
I am currently lost in translation. I am trying to read the pictures through the static. That sometimes requires extra strength vision.
And in the end, we choose what we choose. We see what we see. We do what we do.
And this is it- this is my life. I make it all that it will be by the choices I make.
I trust in that. Don't you?

For me at present, the process consists of sorting through all of the emotions bubbling up after uprooting myself. It's real funny the things that life brings. Real funny. Ha ha...

I am excited to be here right now. *smile* I often state that I am a believer of greater possibilities. It feels so delicious to be living that statement out loud- louder than I ever have before.

Giving Up The Ghost

2010-08-28T09:47:00.000-07:00

2 more days and I will be moved out.
There have been some miraculous happenings in the last couple of weeks.
Working on giving up the ghosts that live in my apartment (literally), in my head, and in my heart.
The ex boyfriend did write me, today actually.
I wasn't all that surprised, and then I was surprised. I don't know if that makes enough sense.
It wasn't the letter I had been waiting for, but then it was I suppose. One last push, confirming to the Universe that yes, I am really ready to move on into something different.
Whatever that looks like.
Saying that, to the ghosts, isn't always easy.
And you never are totally 100% sure that they get the message.
But they must.
Love lives on in the spaces we work in, long after we have left them.
Little points of light to remind us where we have been, and compel us forward into the unknown.

About a week ago, I found the perfect apartment. The one I said I wanted, where I wanted, with everything I wanted. 2 hours before I was to meet the landlady to see it, she called me. " I just rented it.", she told me.
Damn.
I guess it wasn't the right one.
I wasn't upset, because I know a miracle had just happened.

What I asked for exists.
It just wasn't the right time.

Knowing that, shifted something in me. It opened me up the the possibility that I could have what I deeply desire. It means I don't have to settle.
It means that as usual, it comes down to timing.
And faith.

I'm Just Going to Say It

2010-08-15T08:28:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I miss him.

Its this sad, gripping ache that shows up every now and again. It catches me at vulnerable times in my life now.
In dreams, where his eyes bore deep into mine- the place we can only be connected now- we say the things we feel without words.
Haunting each other as we move through the world.
It's a point of frustration for me.
Obviously, if we had fit together as well as is required of a committed relationship, we'd be together now.
While many things clicked and felt so right, the few things that didn't were/ are important enough to keep me from calling him now.
A phone number that only lives inside my head.
No letters to send him, because words fall short and empty now. They get me nowhere.

Sometimes I hate myself for thinking about him everyday. I do though. I miss him and parts of us, every single day. I work extra hard to remind myself then, of all of the things I don't miss. The struggles, the tears, the supreme frustration of losing myself and him.
I wonder if it will always be this way.
Will I ever meet another who affects me as deeply- someone who pales his memory in comparison?
It will be 3 years in next month, since we broke up so tragically. We tried again last year and it didn't get very far, much to my dismay, even going at a slower, wiser pace. I broke things off for good last August.
Haven't seen or heard from him since then.
I told him I did not want to stay in contact with him.
I felt that if he wasn't able to man up and choose me, then he didn't deserve me in any capacity.
I know that's right.
But you know what?
There is a part of me that waits for him...
to write the letter, to make the call.
But a broken man who struggles to make himself whole won't be writing or calling me anytime soon.
I know that.
I wait for him and the man who might come along to pick up where he left off.
*sigh*
Not sure which train will come first, if at all.

Moving On

2010-08-03T22:14:00.000-07:00

Well, after almost 3 years, I am leaving the Boundary behind.
My cozy little home on Boundary Street is now filled with boxes of my belongings. The walls hold my memories.

Thinking back to who I was when I moved in here, October 15, 2007 astonishes me now. I had just literally gone through the most devastating break-up of my life, a mere week before. I had permanently taken the job at the Cedar Hills Store. And I was on my own for the first time in 8 years. I was lonely, depressed, heartbroken and so unsure of who I was in those moments, feeling like a sad shell of a once vibrant person. I hunkered down in my little place, slowly putting myself back together.

My eyes get a little misty when I think about my impending last day here,(Aug. 31). I feel so different. I feel evolved. I am grateful for this place, and what it allowed me to discover and do for myself. There was so much fun had here! Cozy nights in, chatting over dinner with friends, a few Girl's Nights. Many BBQ's- the Summers were properly Seized! And of course, the final hurrah last month- the outdoor viewing of the Big Lewboski with 25 of my awesome friends!

Memories like these are forever in my heart, and warm it with joy.

snowstorm hell Dec 2008

Where I am moving on to from here, I haven't a clue. I will be putting all of my things in storage for the better part of Sept, and staying with my brother on his couch. Yes- Ellie is coming too. Then we will be house sitting for a friend until mid-September when it is my wish, we shall then move into our perfect apartment! Trusting in the Universe is what I am doing- with a easy faith. I found this place, didn't I, just hours after splitting with my ex. I am confident that when the time is right- my new home will find me.

Until then, I am packing things up, cleaning up, and happily preparing to move on. I am ready to choose a new boundary- widening the scope and expanding my view. Time to let some new people, places and things into my life. Hold on Ellie- things are going to speed up pretty fast now.....Another exciting adventure awaits just around the bend....

What if there isn't?

2010-07-01T08:31:00.000-07:00

It's a slump.
A dumpy slump I am in.
I'm stuck.
Restless.
Hopeless.

UGH.

To the outside world, I know I mostly come off as the optimistic princess of all situations. And yeah- it's true I am naturally a "half-full type.

But lately I am beginning to question things that I have always believed to be true....
Now before I go any further, let me say this: I get that this thing called life is like a big play- a personal production for each of us. I get that beliefs= illusion. I get that there is no one person will complete me or my life. I know that I iwll never find happiness outside of myself. I know that we come into this world alone, and we leave it as such. I know that we create relationships to better know who we are. I know that at the heart of every question, love is the answer.

All of that knowledge has still not blocked out the few tiny, fear-based thoughts I have been processing the last couple of weeks.

I say all the time, that there is a lid for every pot. I say it to other people, mostly to comfort them as well as myself. How do I know that is true? I certainly haven't met my lid yet. What if it never happens for me? And yet I still tell people not to give up, to continue to put yourself out there. That love will find you (and me). That we don't have to be alone. That we don't have to settle for relationships that do not fit who we are. What if some of us are only meant to be single for the rest of our lives???

I am in my thirties now, and wow. I got to say, the pressure is beginning to be felt. All of my friends are coupling off and having babies and making their own little countries of twos and threes... More and more I think, yeah- I want to build that with a partner! I would like ot share my life with someone. " But how? Where does a 30 something year old woman meet her lid? The bar scene is stale and very undesirable. All of my friends don't have any single guy friends they would fix me up with. I have had little luck with online dating. And don't even get me started on how challenging it is to date and be psychic....I feel like the odds are stacked against me. That my 40 extra pounds are keeping me from meeting "him". Yes- I admit it- there is a part of my brain that thinks that if my body looked differently, then the kind of man I would want to date, would be beating down the door to take me out.

But maybe not.

Maybe the extra weight I carry, my intuitive abilities, and my optimism are the things that will help me know the man when I see him. I don't know. I feel so damn stuck. Like my whole f'n life has been like "Ground Hog Day". Every day its the same thing. Get up. Go to work. Come home. Go to bed. I have spent so much time alone in my life, that I am bored of it. Stuck in this body that never feels like it will change no matter how many times I go running or carbs I avoid. Fuck it. Just fuck it.

I also know that I am in charge of my own life. I make things happen. I make it what I want to be (and somewhere a long the way I got the message that this was the life I wanted for myself...) But what if I continue to make shifts and choices and still nothing changes? What if I stay stuck for always? Working a job I am bored with, too scared and overwhelmed to live creatively? Never meeting a man I could really let myself open up to possibilities with???? That is a sad, scary thought.

Ugh......

Maybe I should just get over it and take myself to breakfast. It's just the PMS talking.....

Quasi- Insomnia

2010-06-24T00:40:00.000-07:00

It's 12:40am.
I went to bed at 11.
Tossed and turned.
Damn full moon coming always messes with my sleep patterns the week of.
ANd this one promises to be a doozy on Saturday night, as its also a lunar eclipse.....
Here are some random thoughts in my head at present:
Cramps.
Lovely.
My skin is sticky form bug spray. After my walk tonight, I laid ou tin the back yard with Ellie- reading and enjoying this space. Mosquito bites on my back, feet...feels like I was ambushed out there!
The house is selling.
I met the new owners on Tuesday. I have until July 18 to enjoy my home as my own. I have decided to move as early as August or as late as the end of September.
On Memorial day weekend, I started "Seize the Summer BBQ series- you remember- my weekly BBQ's to enabling the maximizing of summer moments to be seized in my awesome yard.( It has been so much fun!)
Before my new landlords take possession.
Its the end of an era. Kinda sad.
And at the same time, I am reflecting on and recognizing all of the growth that has taken place since my move here. When I arrived on Boundary Street, my intentions were to hunker down and heal after the epic break-up with the ex. And I have done that. I feel ready to move on and expand into a new adventure.
Feels like something is cookin, something new and different is about to make impact on my world. But really it's so hard to know if the intuitions I get about my own life are solid.
Time will tell.
Until then- I am up watching Chelsea Lately, while Ellie the wonder cat, snores away blissfully in bed.
Oh look- Chelsea is talking about giant "special" cupcakes....right up my alley....;)

Someday I Know It Will All Turn Out

2010-06-23T08:59:00.000-07:00

Strawberry Shortcake

2010-06-17T22:58:00.000-07:00

Oh Hello!

I am so sorry it's been too long since my last post.
Lost of crafty-ness going on between wedding meetings, work,bbq's and cleaning up after myself.
And also the making of Strawberry costumes.

At my place of employment, we had our first annual Strawberry Festival, to herald the arrival of our much coveted Oregon Hood berries. These berries are amazing. Unlike what the world is used to in regards to strawberry normalcy. They are small and powerful. Dense and sweet.

Hey.. kinda like me!

Costumes were encouraged and you know I was all to happy to oblige!
In 48 hours I whipped this up, using components from the famous cupcake costume and creating some new pieces. All berries were handmade. And yes, even that awesome head piece.

Our next festival is for the celebration of stone fruit, July. You know- peaches, plums, cherries.. etc. And yes- my costume is already in the works!

This is It.

2010-05-09T22:13:00.000-07:00

Michael Jackson showed up in my mailbox this week.

Next month marks a year since he crossed over into the Great Mysterious Other Side.

And as I sat there watching, listening, soaking it all in, I was overwhelmed by it all.

This was a great man- personal demons and quirks aside- Michael was plugged in.

His creativity inspires me. His capacity for love is humbling and contagious.

I feel like I know him better for the journey I have now shared with him. I feel sad that he is no longer in the human world. The music seems bittersweet- so beautiful and whistful. He gave so much and I long for more.

Michael- thank you for sharing your creative gifts and love with this world. I admire and deeply respect your vision, your drive to be true to who you were, and the joy from which you created and shared. We are all better people for it. Your art marches on in the hearts of all those who have felt the magic of you.

Obsessed

2010-04-17T10:14:00.000-07:00

...with aprartment hunting.

Now that I have fully embraced the idea of leaving my current place of residence for another upgraded space, I cannot stop trolling the apartment listings on Craig's List. I am not quite ready to move- I may not move as early as July or into the fall. Fortunately for me, at this point in time, I do have the luxury of time. Now is the time to research what is possible for me.

And there have been a few close hits.

Based on what I now know about living on my own, here are the list of requirements for my next home:

dishwasher
washer and dryer
more than one closet
abundant storage and cabinet space
private patio/ yard area, with the ability to host BBQ consistently and without much disruption to my neighbors
cat friendly
in SW Portland, preferably in Multnomah county
quiet neighborhood
park-like setting
separate dining area
plenty of counter space in bathroom and kitchen
lots of windows to allow natural lighting
energy efficient
Bonus* painting of walls allowed*
bed is acessible on all sides in master bedroom
bonus*extra room to be used as studio/office/guest room*
bonus* owner pays water, sewer, garbage*
cable/ high speed internet ready
All for the great price of $600 - $750.

There ya go Universe. I am not asking for the world, only exactly what I want. I will now take my number, and wait patiently in line to be served.
Thank you.

comfort food

2010-04-16T20:36:00.000-07:00

When I am not feeling well I want few things, and those few things consist of the following:

tea

hot chocolate with whipped cream

chocolate pudding and jello with Cool Whip (from when my friend Athena brought me a weeks worth of pudding and jello to live on, the week I had my wisdom teeth out, 11 years ago. I especially love chocolate pudding topped and jello topped with Cool Whip. Of course, now, I never eat this. And when I do, its organic dairy free chocolate pudding or vegetarian jello with real whipped cream. I know- it makes no sense. But there ya go. )

macaroni and cheese (gourmet or boxed. When I first moved out, my then roommate and friend Malinda and I uses to have "Mac-n-Cheese Parties late at night. We'd buy a couple of different types- cartoon charcters, spiral, elbow and mix them together. Also, when I baby sat my brothers during summer vacation, in my teenage years, I would make a daily meal of mac-n-cheese and kool aid. Those things just go together. Processed crap at it's finest!)
eggs on toast ( this consists of 2 eggs and two pieces of spelt bread. Fry the eggs, butter the toast salt and pepper to taste. Add a cup of coffee and it makes it better. my first love used to make this for me, for breakfast often. I equate it with love. So I make it for myself when I am needing to feel a little love for myself.)

oranges (in my childhood, my brother and I had a particularily bad bout of the flu. My mom had brought home a big bag of oranges and we devoured them all. Guess we needed the vitamin C and the liquid...)

homeade chocolate chip cookies (I prefer warm from the oven, lots of brown sugar, butter and vanilla, milk chocolate chips and walnuts and big glass of milk. I used to make an amazing Chocolate chip cookie once upon a time. But I have since stopped making them years ago, because if I make them- I will eat them all! I also really love a warm Mrs. Field's cookie with macadamia nuts, from the mall. Actually I think they only have one location left at Clackamas town center...though it might be gone now...)

Since I stayed home today, not feeling well, I watched movies, made eggs on toast, had an orange. It made me feel a little better, but damn, I am craving a chocolate chip cookie something fierce. Hmmmmm......

From Joy

2010-04-16T12:04:00.000-07:00

“Women are the harshest critics of other women. There needs to be a greater acceptance individually and collectively or nothing’s ever going to change. You’ll never be thin enough, blonde enough, black enough. So enough is enough.” ~ Joy Bryant

more than meets the eye, like transformers, except not

2010-04-14T19:59:00.000-07:00

there is more to me than meets the eye.

more than meets my eye.

I am consistently, and pleasantly pleased at the discoveries I make about myself.

My perception is shifting and expanding and moving into unknown territory.

That is exciting.

inspiration peeking through, in slivers

2010-04-11T15:36:00.000-07:00

Yes, it is.
Just had lunch here at my job". i brought homeade chicken soup and paired it with 2 pieces of spelt/millet bread.
Delish.

As I was slurping up my soup, I was reading some entries from other blogs, on my Google Reader. I had a sliver of a thought creep in...

What am I most looking forward to? I am looking forward to Summer! Last Summer, I started a series of random BBQ's, called " Sieze the Summer!" What this meant for me, was sharing my beautiful back yard with random friends every week. I choose a different day every week so that everyone invited could make it to at least one gathering. It was a successful sensation. People have already started asking me when I am starting this year.

As excited as I am to begin the planning of my Summer celebrations, I am blocked my the uncertainty of whether or not I will still be in my current residence then. The landlords are divorcing and subsequently, selling the property. They have promised me that if it doesn't sell by June, they will take it off the market and keep it. Ideally, we all want the new owner to want to keep me on as the happy renter I am. That being said, I am also embracing the possibility of being open to a move that is for my highest good. Maybe I move to a place, dare I say it and work to imagine it, but BETTER

So as I meditate on that, I am also excited about:
painting all of my outdoor furniture in bright, fun colors.
Sewing cloth napkins, and stamping them with fun summer sayings.
Sewing cute banners.
Stringing twinkling white icicle lights around the parameter of the patio roof. Procuring colorful lanterns for the tables.
Finding a couple of large easels to hold dry erase boards for Pictionary.
Loading up my ipod with more fun, relaxed BBQ mood music.
making a different Gluten Free cupcake every week. (Yum!)
Researching summer salads and side dishes.
Stalking up on flatware.
Cruising the ads for more chairs on Craig's list.

June can't get here fast enough....

stuck in the doldrums

2010-04-10T09:29:00.000-07:00

I feel stuck in the doldrums of my life.

Where do I shoot my arrows of intention?

Crap.

Want a new job, and I want to work for myself. In a warm, sunny, perhaps tropical locale.

Want to drop this 45 pounds.

Want to get IT together.

Be debt free.

Travel the world.

Not work for the man.

Be with THE man.

Hmph.

*sigh*..................

groceries on hiatus

2010-04-07T19:32:00.000-07:00

I work in a grocery store and therefore I strongly dislike shopping for grocereies.

Someday, I'd love to know what it feels like to shop like a civilian at my place of work....

So...what's for dinner?

Well, I have suddenly taken a fancy to Indian food (is that easy to learn to cook?) and had that for lunch. I was too tired at the end of my shift to a.)think and b.)shop. So the fridge is pretty empty, since before leaving for Mexico. Every evening I swear I will go home and pour over recipes and make a menu plan and a list to shop from.
Does it happen?

Nope.

Hmmmm. Someday when I have made it big, I shall hire a cook who actually LOVES to cook. Then I won't have to cook or shop. Just enjoy.
Anyways...

Tonight, it's TJ dark chocolate with almonds (4 squares) and a TJ raspberry cream bar. And maybe some lime chili peanuts. And tea. Earl gray.

The life of a bachelorette......

I don't Wanna

2010-04-07T08:09:00.000-07:00

Its Wednesday.
Which means it is " Monday".
Back to work.
Unfortunately, I have almost completely re-assimilated back into my old life, thankfully with some new insight.
But...
There is a part of me that worries I will back slide into...
not loving my body again. Doing nothing.

And I am frustrated that I didn't do much of anything on my days off, though I understand that my brain needed the time to re-adjust slowly. with all of the coming and going I do, I have to remind myself how important and necessary it is for me to do nothing. I let myself take a delicious thirty minute nap with Ellie yesterday and it was lovely. I didn't do much after that, except bake for my brother. Now, with about 30 minutes to spare before I need to get ready for work, I want to:

finish putting away the laundry
go through the pile of crap that has accumulated on my desk
vacuum
do the dishes*
hem that skirt hanging on the back of my door
write a letter
read book
plan my next vacation to Bali, next March

Figures. Inspiration is elusive until there is a fire under my ass to be somewhere other than home....

Saddle Up

2010-04-06T23:09:00.000-07:00

"So, how's yer love life? Have you found him yet?"

" Great. Nope. Not yet."

"Why do you think that is- a fabulous, sexy, beautiful, smart, single woman like you, on the slow track to getting hitched and settled?"

Well... because I haven't found me yet, totally. And when I do find me- all of me and embrace that in the beauty of deep acceptance, and fall madly crazy in love with me - I plan to get hitched to myself. And get settled into my life.

He can show up any time he likes and I ''ll be glad to saddle up and share the love. Truly, madly, deeply."

Don't settle

2010-04-04T19:39:00.000-07:00

Come on girls
Do you believe in love?
'Cause I got something to say about it
And it goes something like this

Don't go for second best baby
Put your love to the test
You know, you know, you've got to
Make him express how he feels
And maybe then you'll know your love is real

You don't need diamond rings
Or eighteen karat gold
Fancy cars that go very fast
You know they never last, no, no
What you need is a big strong hand
To lift you to your higher ground
Make you feel like a queen on a throne
Make him love you till you can't come down
(You'll never come down)

Long stem roses are the way to your heart
But he needs to start with your head
Satin sheets are very romantic
What happens when you're not in bed
You deserve the best in life
So if the time isn't right then move on
Second best is never enough
You'll do much better baby on your own
(Baby on your own)

Express yourself
(You've got to make him)
Express himself
Hey, hey, hey, hey
So if you want it right now, make him show you how
Express what he's got, oh baby ready or not

And when you're gone he might regret it
Think about the love he once had
Try to carry on, but he just won't get it
He'll be back on his knees

To express himself
(You've got to make him)
Express himself
Hey hey

What you need is a big strong hand
To lift you to your higher ground
Make you feel like a queen on a throne
Make him love you till you can't come down
(You'll never come down)

So please

Express yourself
(You've got to make him)
Express himself
Hey, hey, hey, hey
So if you want it right now, make him show you how
Express what he's got, oh baby ready or not
Express yourself
(You've got to make him)
So you can respect yourself
Hey, hey
So if you want it right now, then make him show you how
Express what he's got, oh baby ready or not

...and then suddenly- I am pregnant!

2010-04-02T09:11:00.000-07:00

now before my phone and email inbox blow up with questions,
let me confirm that I am not with child.
That would be what is referred to in the Bible as an immaculate conception.
Unfortunately for me, there has not been any activity to lead to such an event. My choice.
(TMI? I think not. I don't have a problem admitting its been a while since the fireworks have been lit. Not that I am not looking forward to discovering potential sparks......)

But consider with me, if you will, what it means for me to be
pregnant with possibility.

Ahhhh.. yes... now that is something else all together, isn't it?

But what does it mean, really?

Yesterday as I relayed the events of the last couple of week to Lorelynn, my intuitive therapist, I shared with her how quite unexpectedly while in Mexico, I rediscovered a love for and new level of comfort in my body. How remarkable it feels to shift- such a simple subtle shift has lifted me up to a place beyond my expectations.

Lorelynn talked about the 4 stages a woman goes through in life: Maiden, Mother, Matriarch, and Crone.
It appears that I have moved out of Maidenhood (finally!), and in my 30's , find myself ready and willing to step into Mother energy. This delicious body shape I have is luscious, curvy, voluptuous, round and juicy. My body is prepared to nurture and give birth to some new things: career, outlooks, connections, relationships, art.....Pregnant with delightful and endless possibility.

I have long admired pregnant women- they are sooooooooooo gorgeous! Sexy, full, joy dancing in their beautiful eyes. A luminous glow coming from within, born of the secret knowledge of what it feels like to carry and grow something special that will shape them and contribute to the highest good of the world.

I have been forever wrestling with the idea of having my own children someday- how can I bring a child into the world the way it is now? How could I not? The endless responsibility. Having helped raise some of my siblings and taken on the mothering role early on in my life, I am hesitant to do so again. Let me tell you this- teenagers are HARD. Babies vulnerabilities freak me out, and I feel my own imagined inadequacies targeted.

But I digress....

Me.
Pregnant.
Now.
With delicious possibility.

Yes. I want that.
I claim that for myself.
I delight in the sensuality of what my body is birthing.
I choose to nurture it in-utero, and honor its gentle growth.
And all that entails.

Congratulations, Paula.

You're pregnant!

April Fool

2010-04-01T21:09:00.000-07:00

Slept in today. Something very delicious about waking up in my own bed.
After not doing so in a while....

Gave myself a mani/pedi while watching "Pride & Predjudice", BBC version.
Hot pink, FYI.

Went to see my intuitive awesome therapist today. We are both pleased and surprised at the swiftness in which I am processing and working through stuff.

Cause I am a phenomenal woman. That's me.

From there I met up with some old friends who were passing through town today. Lovely to see them. My friend Mikey was there too. We live near each other and couldn't remember the last time we'd even seen each other! :)

Wanted ice cream, and since I am still on vacation, I brought a pint of B& J Cookies and Milk home.

Bad idea, my tummy says.

Aren't I April's fool tonight?

I so rarely eat real ice cream these days. Now I remember why. It ties my tummy up in knots. Ugh.

It tasted good though.

Continuing with the movie marathon. "Captain Ron" is on!

"He did it on purpose...you can see it in his eyes. Excuse me...his eye! "

Home Sweet Home

2010-03-31T21:58:00.000-07:00

I made it!
My plane touched down from LAX this morning to PDX at 8am. My good friend Malinda picked me up. I mentally kissed the ground when I stepped onto the tarmac.

It seems that no matter where I go or how long I am gone, I am always so very, very happy to be home. My eyes never fail to get misty as my plane gets closer to landing. I make out familiar land marks- the st. john's bridge, Rocky Butte, the river.

My heart swells with pride and gratitude as the pilot engages the brakes on the runway. I made it home again.

Malinda and I went to breakfast and then to Ikea because she needed a few things. Then I came home and was greeted by Ellie. We have then spent the whole day on the couch snuggling, watching 4 different movies. She missed me and won't let me out of her sight. I missed her too. Its wonderful to have someone to come home to who missed me as much as I missed them.

Off to bed soon. I have been up since 3:45am this morning. Oh vay!

I am going to lay low the next couple of days, keeping to myself. Unpacking, sleeping, relaxing and soaking up the last bits of my vacation time. I know some of you are anxious to hear from me, and I ask that you let me get acclimated back into the world at my own pace. I will be in touch.( If there is an emergency, do definitely let me know.)
Sending you all my love!

Adios, Mexico!

2010-03-30T21:53:00.000-07:00

It's Tuesday.
I am the last one of our party to leave. Everyone else left yesterday.

I am feeling slightly vulnerable, all alone. Without a workign cell phone or computer.

This is where I get anxious. Before the flight. Once I step foot into the airport, I am golden. No worries. Its' the anticipation leading up to it.

I feel anxious. I want to leave. While I have a had a wonderful week here, I am so very much looking forward to home.
To my own bed.
To snuggling with my cat.
Driving my car.
Eating food that doesn't make me sick.
Hot water with decent water pressure in the shower.

I am also really thankful for this whole experience. Meeting new people, learning so much about myself and another place and culture.
Flexing my independence.
Relaxing.
Finding bits of myself that had gotten lost along the way.

I feel really good.

Just want to get on the plane and be home.
Because there is no place like home.

Adios Mexico.
Via con Dios!

In-N-Out LAX

2010-03-30T21:19:00.000-07:00

cab fare from Radisson LAX to In-N-Out Burger $17.85
In-N-Out cheeseburger(Animal Style) with fries & chocolate milkshake-$5.87
sleeping in a Sleep number bed at the Radisson LAX $89.00 = tax

Showering with American, albeit LA water and watching some bad tv before my 4:30 am shuttle ride to catch the last flight home=priceless. F'ing priceless.

There is no place like home.

To be continued.

Found

2010-03-29T15:11:00.000-07:00

I found something in Mexico.
It's something that I have ben wanting for a long time, and has illuded me since the tender age of 10.

Drum roll please......

Can you see it?

My new and improved body confidence!!!
Yep.
I have been walking all over town in my tankini and cover up. Swimming in the ocean.
Body boarding.
Horse back riding.
Tan (uh.. sunburnt lightly. Those are aloe leaves on my skin in the above picture.)

Walking to the village to restaurants and various villas and hotels in the village everyday. Thats 2 - 3 miles EVERY day.

And my legs feel strong and I love to look at them. I am turned on by my own legs! Is that weird? Shorty loves her legs!!!!!!! Yay!!!!!

Sexy.
I feel good in this body.
I haven't been eating too much, cause I am just not that hungry- the heat has shrunk my appetite.
I feel whole and a comfort that I have not known since i was a kid.

I feel dead sexy, ya'll.

I also haven't worn a bra in almost two weeks and I am in no hurry to put one back on. I feel free and easy and so.....fluid....

Considering that it seems like there has been an endless sea of beautiful, toned, fit, goddess like women in my presence, it speaks volumes to my soul that I feel this way here, in this place. I feel like a goddess too.

It was exactly what I needed. I can't wait to take that home. Go shopping. Get dressed up. Go for a run. Sun salutations. Smile. work it.

Thank you Mexico.

Faith

2010-03-27T17:30:00.000-07:00

Currently, I find myself in the open living room here at Casa Delfin. It's close to sunset. I have spent the day after meeting up with Kelly, Todd & company at Mi Casa for brunch (and finally a pina colada!), doing exactly what I want: nothing.

Well, not nothing, exactly.

Nothing consisted of this:

Beach time

yes, in the Magic Hammock. Again. Seriously. I could be quite happy here.

I have been surrounded this week by loving couples, made up of awesome men and the strong, beautiful women they cherish. It is refreshing to see that. And dear reader, I needed to see that. Because I will confess that I have moments of doubt. Yes, I have faith that there is a lid for every pot. Truly I do....and sometimes doubt creeps in and I wonder if I'll ever really find mine.

Could he really be out there. Could we be, as Kelly and Todd so aptly spoke in their ceremony,
"...apart, yet connected in our ignorance of each other, like two apples sharing a common tree"?

I am, oddly enough, in this hammock I am reading books that all have the topic of marriage in them in some way or another. That wasn't totally planned, and has none the less set me thinking intensely on the subject.

Today, I have been reading "Mr. and Mrs. Fitzwilliam Darcy". You'll have to forgive me here, as I developed a very dear love for Jane Austen in high school, and subsequently, Bridget Jones, and Colin Firth in well... anything, but especially as either Fitzwilliam Darcy or Mark Darcy. Mr. Darcy has long symbolized for me, the sort of man I most wanted to be in partnership with. The struggles of coming together, having to be overcome by the pride and prejudices we each feel. Ultimately, ending in the perfect match for each.

Yes, I realize its just a story. I am a hopeless romantic with a teenaged girl's dreams secreted inside. Once upon a time, I even thought I had most certainly glimpsed my own Mr. Darcy. But alas, I was wrong. Because if I had, he would have let me know. Instead, there is only silence which I interpreted as a buzzer answering "WRONG!!!!!". *sigh*

So, I sit here, on this sofa, listening to the kids splash in the pool, and Sting sing on the radio about losing his faith, and wonder....

Is HE really out there? Seeing my friends together in this incredible relationships brings some hope. It must be possible. It must be. These women are so fantastic and the men see it- they see all of it. They love them with so much conviction, and as a result, though I am sure these relationships are not perfect, I am so inspired by observing the way these people love each other. Unconditionally, with total acceptance. Wow. Nice to finally see that in action.

too much time in the hammock today, friends.....tooo much....

Bad Poetry in Mexico

2010-03-27T14:55:00.000-07:00

"Writing Bad Poetry in Mexico"

not quite heartbroken
wasn't quite in love
but somewhere between wistful longing and
self-assured faith
enough for me too,

is me, in Mexico, writing bad poetry

Someday
I'd like to write great poetry in my own backyard

Wedding Day

2010-03-26T23:53:00.000-07:00

My day began leisurely. I wanted some time to myself, to heal (as Montezuma had had his is revenge a bit the previous day) before I was "on" wedding planner/ officiant mode. So I woke and showered around 8am and layed out in my Magic Hammock for an hour or two, reading all about Lizzy and her William. I sighed heavily, pulled myself out of the hammock, and went in to spend some time fixin' myself up pretty.

I had no sooner, run a comb through my hair, when I heard the bride's mom and sister calling for me in the courtyard. It was only noon, and I wasn't due at the villa until 2pm. They had come on behalf of the bride, who was summoning me early.

I gathered my outfit, make-up and all the necessities and we went. I know my presence on site was probably a soothing balm, and what was most needed. There wasn't much for me to do on arrival, so I painted my toenails a sparkly light blue by the pool, as the men worked to set up the wedding. It was the most calm and serene atmosphere. Usually it's a frenzy of activity and I am caught up in the middle of it, day of the event. And while I was plenty busy when it was time, the pace was slowed immensely. I enjoyed that slow build up very much.

It was during this time that an iguana was found swimming in the pool and had to be plucked out. That's Mexico....

It was warm. Everyone glistened in excitement for sunset. Pictures were taken.

Rueban on spanish guitar. Yours truly at the altar, ceremony in hand.

Bridesmaids, groomsman, family, sunset. Ocean as witness.

Here comes the bride!

The bride looked "amazeeen". So did the groom. In the most heartfelt ceremony I have ever had the honor of officiating, we were all moved to tears. I stood between the two of them as they spoke their promises and proclaimed their love to one another. I felt so unbelievable privileged. This is what love is. It moves us to want to commit in the sharing of all that we were, are and will be to one another and make a life of our separate parts, together. I was beyond moved and had to remind myself to keep my composure, being the officiant and all.

Once the kiss sealed the deal, they took the newlywed glow to the reception. There was toasting of such deep and genuine felicity by most and love from all. The food was delish, the stars aligned, and the moon shone it's blessing to the lovers now wed.

*sigh*

What a lovely wedding day. I walked home by myself, the moon and ocean my companions, falling into bed thoroughly exhausted.

Dancing in the Moonlight

2010-03-26T09:26:00.000-07:00

Last night was the bachelorette's last night as a single girl.
All of the women in our group celebrated this gorgeous woman by dancing into the night at the Burro Baracho here in Troncones.

Mothers, grandmothers, aunts, cousins, sister, and friends shook their groove thangs in the hot humid night. And that included me. When I woke up this morning, my feet were swollen from dancing barefoot on the bare concrete floor. Ay carrumba!

OH Joe! Work it!

During the evening, I took a time out and walked down to the water. I wanted to cool my body with the smell and sensation of the sea. And ease the pain of that obscure blisters my Chaco's had left me from walking the village road. Under a bright moon, I danced a duet with the Ocean to Madonna's "Holiday". I could almost feel my Dad there with me too, smiling at his lovely, independent, laughing eldest daughter to the artist that began it all for her, so many years ago. I could feel how proud he is of me, "brave girl I am to be traipsing off in the world". I felt really connected to everything in those moments.

I wasn't drunk off alcohol, and yet I was definitely feeling the effects of intoxication. With life that is.

Message on the Breeze, just for me.....

2010-03-24T14:01:00.000-07:00

"Go forward with an open heart, knowing that you are always supported.
Trust that you are already taken care of.
Fear less.
Do not let fear keep you from joy."

Magic Hammock

2010-03-24T10:41:00.000-07:00

Here I am.
In a hammock.
on the beach.
in Mexico.
by myself.

I really do love traveling solo. It's the only way I know how, really.
the delicious luxury of doing what I want when I want.
Beholden to no one.
Makes me feel fearless.
Welcomed by the world.
Embracing my singleness, and being totally 100% myself.

I have finally given in to the fact that I will have no communication to the outside world, while i am here. I am a little miffed at TMobile, because I paid for the service to work here, and was told it would. And it's not. I will be calling them with some strong words when I get home. My laptop just isn't picking up the wifi signal here. I am surrendering and taking it as a sign that I need to totally disconnect fro my greatest good. *sigh*

so ....here I am.

What brings me to Mexico?
Kelly & Todd do.
So that I can marry them and they can say their I do's.
Today is Weds. The wedding is Friday.
There are 38 of us gathered from far and wide for this big event.
We have descended upon this little village of Troncones for the week.

Troncones is the real deal- the real Mexico. A village snuggled on the beach.
I am staying at the Casa Delfin Sonreinte. It's lovely here. One of the owners, Glen is up from California for the week. The inn keepers, Alrberto & Maria are so welcoming and warm. The hospitality is so wonderful.

There is a pool and a horse shoe pit.

And my most favorite place, the shaded hammock area, on the beach.

It's quiet with the roar of the ocean to soothe, and the swing of the hammock to lull me into a relaxed state as I read and write.

It's heaven, here in this hammock. Magical.

There goes an iguana on the beach.

So glad I came.

mexico madness

2010-03-24T09:08:00.000-07:00

Well.. I am here.
And nothing works.
I am typing now on another guests MAC. She is from Seattle and oddly enough it seems there are a lot of people in this tiny village visiting form there.

My phone doesn't work...it just says "searching"... how ironic. As it seems to be what I have been doing my whole life....
Anyhoo, so no signal on my MAC. But on this one! Why!!!! Maybe it's finally time ot seriously consider getting a new laptop. Going to take it down to kelly and todd's villa in a bit and try there. perhaps there will be some tech savvy folks there to help me figure it out.

Mexico is lovely. The roar of the ocean lulls me to sleep (along with the air conditioners). Mexico feels very much like I imagine my own birthplace was in its beginning- the wild wild west- tropical edition. Its in the mid 80's, pleasantly humid and gorgeous.
I am staying at a place called Casa Delfin Sonriente ( the smiling dolphin) and i'll post pictures later....its kind of like camping.

On the beach, free lovely breakfast every day and the other guests and the caretakers are all kind and welcoming.

Last night at the ol' Burro Barracho, things got a little wild. I was in no mood to participate in the madness, as I was running on 4 hours sleep and airplane food. I am sure there will be more to tell later. iT'S GOING TO BE AN INTERESTING WEEK!

Wish you all were here....

xoxoxo
Paula Lu

A whirlwind of a week

2010-03-23T22:30:00.000-07:00

Here is my schedule for the week:
9/23/10-5:45pm meet and greet cocktail party at the Casa de la Sirena (wedding site and villa couple's family has rented out)
Late night dinner at Burro Barracho

3/25/10- 5pm- when eva..... Bachelorette party at Burro Barracho for drinks, dinner, and dancing

3/26/10- 5:30pm wedding at sunset; reception to follow

3/27/10- Farewell Brunch at Mi Casa Su Casa

3/28/10-beach/pool/hammock time

3/29/10- see above

3/30/10- depart Mexico for LA; In-N-Out burger

3/31/10- early morning flight home to Portland; relaxation; napping, movies, cuddling with Ellie

I don't go back to work until Easter Sunday, and until then, I plan to lay low, relax, maybe see a movie, celebrate my brother's birthday.

Good plan!

Little Epiphanies Everywhere

2010-03-16T21:01:00.000-07:00

As an intuitive, I get information all of the time about people, the energy of buildings, people who have crossed over etc. It's a common misconception that because a person is psychic- they are able to see into their own lives and know exactly what is coming there way or how things will turn out. Sadly, it just doesn't work that way because my own emotional expectations and ties to situations and people can color information I "see".
But occasionally, a little morsel of insight will peek through clearly enough for me to see it. Today was one of those days.

There were little Epiphanies everywhere.

1.) Standing in line to pay for my Luna bar: I was thinking about the times in my life where I was really poor- so poor I didn't have two Chuck E. Cheese tokens to rub together. And yet, I would step forward into my day, in great faith, knowing that somehow I would be taken care of. And sure enough I would be. A reimbursement check would show up in my mailbox in the exact amount I needed to put gas in my car and buy some groceries. A friend would invite me over for dinner spontaneously. I find some money in the laundry. Or magically I would be able to create delicious meals from my pantry -(my cooking has always been self-labeled as experimental- traditional- bachelorette fare...). That is what I would call a small miracle. So what if I aimed to trust my faith on a bigger leap, as if all of the smaller miracles added up to big practice and proof ? What if I left my retail job to work for myself???!!!!! Hmmmmmm...

2.)thinking about the similarities between my brother and my relationship patterns, I suddenly became very aware of how he and I were programmed to be magnets for ill fitting relationships of one of the worst kind- unrequited love.

If they are not interested in me, I am definitely interested in them.
Emotionally unavailable? Even better.
Lacking self- confidence? That's my specialty.
Baggage still painfully and obviously unresolved from past relationship(s)? Yeah , Baby!

I will obsess, and pine and find a way to make it work, to consistantly attempt to awaken desire that has yet to be realized for me.

"Oh little, Paula. You know better. You advise people regularly on this situation. And yet, you have been so disconnected from your own behaviors, from this angle.

Stop. Drop Cupid's arrow, and run, don't walk into your therapist's office. Do not enter into a relationship until you are confident you will not relapse into choices leading to another unrequited love. I know, it's difficult when there hasn't been a model to follow in your family and you long to experience the joys and challenges being in a loving relationship brings.... Trust me when I say this is pattern worth breaking and you and your brother WILL do it. Don't look back and have gratitude for all you have learned. "

"Don't settle for a boyfriend- demand a MANfriend."

3.) driving home tonight: less resistance; more acceptance.
There is so much I resist in my head and heart at times. I resist the idea that I can be 50 lbs lighter because I have never been a size 8. I resist the idea that I am talented.I resist the idea a man could totally and completely love me for all that I am and want me. I resist my own great power. That is exhausting, not to mention futile.

Why not try accepting more?

Accept the me I am right now. Accept my behaviors and patterns. Accept where I came from. Accept my right to choose to change. Accept others, especially when they reject you. Accept your eccentricity and mild craziness.

After all, these are the things that make up who I am. The people in my life who love and adore me accept me just the way I am, why not me too?

"Look inside your heart and I'll look inside mine."

it's my life

2010-03-15T22:41:00.000-07:00

"this path, this road that is one perfect straight line even if it goes around the world through heat and fog and rain and snow and it's my life I keep thinking. It's my life." ~Deborah Keenan, from "Small History"

Bring Me A HIgher Love, Please...

2010-03-13T20:32:00.000-08:00

A little sugar in my bowl.
something sweet to sweep me off my feet.
An self- generated, expanded love that spills out from my heart space and meet's his in the middle.
A love that says " I like you just as you are, even when you are wearing THAT."
one that is intoxicating and sobering all at once.
A higher love that lifts and inspires, even when it is difficult.

I choose it.

Bring it on.

Think about it
there must be higher love
Down in the heart or hidden in the stars above.
Without it life is wasted time

Look inside your heart
I'll look inside mine.

Things look so bad everywhere in this whole world

what is fair?
We walk blind and we try to see

falling behind in what could be.
Bring me a higher love
bring me a higher love

Bring me a higher love -
where's that higher love I keep thinking of?

World's are turning and we're just hanging on

Facing our fear and standing out there alone.
A yearning
and it's real to me

There must be someone who's feeling for me.

Things look so bad everywhere in this whole world

what is fair?
We walk blind and we try to see

falling behind in what could be.
Bring me a higher love
bring me a higher love

Bring me a higher love - I could rise above on a higher love !

I will wait for it
I'm not too late for it.
Until then I'll sing my song to cheer the night along.

I could light the night up with my soul on fire

I could make the sun shine from pure desire.
Let me feel that love come over me

let me feel how strong it could be !
Bring me a higher love !

I couldn't tell ya where it went

2010-03-09T22:07:00.000-08:00

My weekend that is....

Seems like I was just celebrating my Friday night and now I am headed to bed remembering that I have an early day tomorrow.
I'd like to start with a run and some yoga.
I'd like to make breakfast, but that will be hard because I neglected grocery shopping somehow amongst all of the errands I ran. Hmmph. Must remember to pick up a few things after work tomorrow.
Highlights included:
Walk/run with my BFF at Mt. Tabor park
breakfast at Helser's with my buddy Karin
shopping for babies
lunch solo at Pho'
therapy session with my awesome intuitive therapist
a clean apartment
re-watching " I heart Huckabees"
12 hours of sleep last night
working on on a self-portrait for therapy

Crossing things off my list feels good. For once, I actually got all done. It's because I am learning not to be unrealistic about what I can actually get done in the amount of time I have to do it. And that feels good.

Ellie is getting restless. I am getting sleepy. Of to Dreamland now...

Real Women Have Curves

2010-03-07T23:34:00.000-08:00

I love America Ferrara.
Brave and real.
Yes, women are beautiful in all shapes and sizes.
Watch this link on you tube:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JLeZ17B8o9k

One Woman Show

2010-03-06T20:01:00.000-08:00

*Taps mic*
"Is this thing on? Hello ??!!".....
Sometimes I feel like I am talking to an empty room.
Or maybe it's an auditorium, but the stage lights prevent me from seeing who is creeping in to hear what i have to say in my one woman show.
I am, in the end, just myself.
I choose my choices.
I live this life.
I create the drama.
I manifest the happiness.
I cultivate the relationships.
I reap what I sew.
I sew sloppily.
I give it all I got.
I do the best I can.
I live with as much integrity as possible.
I stand for the freedom to be who you are- who I am.
I judge from my ego.
I let go when I think it no longer serves me.
I fuck things up sometimes.
I understand that I can't really fuck anything up because all happens as it needs to.
I am done choosing men who don't want the awesomeness that is me. If that can't see it, they don't deserve it,
I am worthy of all things beautiful and true.

How about you?

small things

2010-02-25T20:41:00.000-08:00

It truly is the small things in my life that help me along.

I love going for my daily run/walk at night. Just after sun has gone down. It's quiet here in my neighborhood. I love to look at all of the houses tucked in the street, with their warm lights glowing. I like to wonder about the inhabitants. Do they love their home? What are they making for dinner? Are they happy with their life choices to date? What would they do differently? What is their greatest joy?

I love the smell of the wind, as it blows on through the trees, and the tendrils of hair that come loose from my pony tail.

I love the feeling of being all by myself, accomplishing this small goal, one step at a time. It's me. Just me. No one else can do this thing I want to do.

I love walking up the drive, to see my little house, warm lights glowing in the window. And someone waiting anxiously for me to come though the front door, for cuddles.

What Happens in Wheeler, Stays in Wheeler

2010-02-24T20:35:00.000-08:00

Back from my Girl's weekend in Wheeler and surrounding areas of Nehalem and Manzanita. It was exactly what I needed- to get out of town and not be consumed with any other thoughts except what are we going to do next?

I did a whole lot of nothing.

Highlights include:
enjoying some perfectly cooked bacon at Wanda's
Kayaking on Wheeler Bay
shopping at the eclectic stores from Wheeler to Cannon Beach
GIANT BURGER HEAVEN complete with tots at the Sand Dune Pub in Manzannita. I even had a MOnkey Face Porter to complete the experience. Orgasmic.
Buying matching mood rings with the girls, serving as a symbol of a united powerful friendship bond
tide pool exploration at Cannon Beach
sleeping. (our first night there we partied so hard, we all passed out by 9:27pm.)
pulled pork sandwiches by way of Jessica and Kristin's crock pot.
Bad Girls.
Grapefruit

There were countless inside jokes born of conversations and outright girl silliness, and new nicknames christened. Oh my girls- Jessica, Kristin (the birthday girl we were celebrating) and Belinda - what awesome friends I have.
Thanks for being my fellow 4 Way Treats, for not making fun of me for throwing up pulled pork at 1:42am, helping me to laugh myself back to who I am, and helping find my paddling rhythm, crack my back, and enable me with peanut butter ice cream on a waffle cone. You are all bright shiny stars in my sky. Love ya.